After just 7 weeks of attempted recover, LB told me yesterday he wasn't happy and wants a divorce.

I am sorry to tell you all this; so many of you had such high hopes for us...myself included.

I still love him deeply. This is very hard to write.

But he has given up. He believes he has done everything - we have done everything possible to save our M and it just failed.

Truth be known, we haven't done everything. We worked with Jennifer last year, but the A was still going on, so...what help could that possible be?

We each talked to Penny individually BEFORE he moved home, but have not worked with MB or with SYMC during the 7 weeks we were together.

He started IC in March, and I guess he feels that since I accompany him to those appointments, that it counts as marriage counseling, but it is not - it is IC with a smattering of "you need to do this to gain intimacy in your M" thrown in.

He says he is exhausted - spent, and cannot put any more effort forth.

Sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

OH ISGirl!!! I am SO sorry!!! Ugh.Great now I am crying.I am so sorry.

No,he is undoubtedly BACK in contact I bet.Do you know? I just don't believe that spiel about him doing everything.Poppycock! He caved.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

O

I am so sorry. It is very heart broken. Please be strong and GoD is with you. {{{{{Isgirl}}}}}

O,

Thanks...I have no idea if there is contact. When he told me he didn't want to be with me I asked if he wanted to be with her and he said yes. Later he said he didn't know why he had said that, it wasn't true. He wanted to be alone.

My opinion is that he, like many men (thanks to Star*fish for this observation!) doesn't understand that success in a relationship, just like success in the workplace, requires WORK. It doesn't just happen.

We had no "plan" in place for recovery. We had boundaries, accountability, but no go-forward, how-do-we-get-where-we-want-to-be kind of plan.

I wanted us from the very beginning to start with a marriage coach, but he delayed it...I don't know why. It was, "Let's just try the honesty assignment/feeling words first, and if that doesn't work, then we'll hire the coach." or "Let's see how the sessions with the psychiatrist go, and if that doesn't work we'll hire a coach."

So seven weeks went by, no plan, no coach, no marriage counselor. No real work on building the relationship. Just living together again, and back into the same routine existence we had that created the atmosphere where he had an affair.

Interesting that he thinks our marriage has been in trouble for two years. Yet 2 years ago is when d-day occurred. And since then we've scarcely lived together. So how could our marriage be in trouble when we weren't living our marriage?

I just think he felt it was too much work and it was easier to give up.

So sad...19 years of marriage...

I BET there was contact.Just based on what you said,it seems like he is ready to fall into all the old habits of being with OW because as you said,it is easier than exploring and admitting to all the mistakes,pain and what it really means to be married.

My WH was the same way,granted it was only a week when he came home to reconcile,we basically went back,or I should say HE went back to his old ways and expected some fairy to come by,wave a magic wand and everything would be better.So,he thinks that by just changing women,he has all his problems solved.

My WH hasn't done much work in our marriage but didn't have to as I didn't expect much of him,I erred on that part probably.But he is in for a rude awakening when he realizes that this HW most likely isn't going to be too happy with the same scenario because WH hasn't changed at all.I used to really encourage my WH to grow and change within our marriage but he was lazy and he really let me carry the load all these years.BUT,I was happy to do it because I thought it was for our goals and for our family.

Anyway,yes,it would have been best to have a concrete plan.Someone here mentioned it being like Critical Care.You do have to treat those intitial few weeks/months of recovery as critical with a treatment plan after the diagnosis.

LostBird doesn't want to be alone,I am sure he is planning on being with this OW.He reached his limit and he is faltering because he has no help/plan in place to get through the toughest times.He is probably thinking to himself that he did his best but it isn't working and nothing is changing for the better and yada yada yada,more self fog talk.

Have you thought about approaching him with getting into a plan now that things are deteriorating? Have you suggested to him that he come back here for some asisstance? We need to try and reach him again.

What did you do for your Anniversary BTW? Did he appear happy and involved with you?

O

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

7 weeks? 7 WHOLE WEEKS? OOoooooh the commitment. Ugh.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm really sorry, Isgirl. I hope he wakes up from this before its too late. It (OBVIOUSLY) takes more than 7 weeks to know diddly. It takes months - sometimes years, but it is soooo worth it.

I hope he reconsiders - but if he doesn't, you've done absolutely all you can. This is his battle - and we can't fight it for him.

ISGirl,

I am speechless. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am still hoping and praying for you two. Please don't give up.

HINY

So sorry to hear this...how devastating <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ..Lost Bird was one WS ..that seemed to have it together..please know you are in my thoughts and prayers today...

Oh dear, lost bird has flown the coop. I say let him go, and see what happens next. He was around MB enough to get the basics down. I think he may spend time thinking about all of this.

He certainly helped me. Hopefully he can help himself.

So what plan are you in now?

I am speechless! I was hoping this was a huge joke and you would come back and say "just wanted to get your attention" I am soooooo sorry IsGirl! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> You are in my thoughts and prayers as always. Please, Please Please, do not give up.

Just go back to plan B and don't let the door hit him on the way out. I do't have a good feeling about him when he said he has sent email to me when I didn't get any.

Contact has resume all along. You don't need a degree to understand that M requires work. It is the willingness. Sorry. Hang in there and be tough !. You have given your best.

From the OtherBayArea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I am sorry for your pain. From my own experience, it sounds like he is back in touch with OW. Back in the fog because it is hard to do the recovery thing, especially with no plan or help, and then continued contact. I have been there.

The ONLY thing, you can do is keep working on yourself and your own spiritual journey. Let him go and do what he must do. He is the ONLY one who can decide that he will do his part in making recovery successful.

What helped me during these times (which happened frequently due to continued contact): prayer, mediation

Thanks to all for your wonderful, warm wishes.

Yesterday, an SYMC coach had asked LB to meet me at church and take me to brunch afterward. LB wouldn't commit.

Of course, he didn't show either place. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

If he wants out of this M so badly, why was he crying while he packed, and when he left at the end of the day? I mean, crying really hard. When I asked him to listen to his emotions, and what they were telling him, he said, "Maybe I'm just ****ing nuts." But shook his head sadly and continued to pack.

OW here he comes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Or maybe he is going back to that couch of indecision.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did you do for your Anniversary BTW? Did he appear happy and involved with you?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got a kiss and a "Happy Anniversary." I got him a nice card. I thought that Saturday (hahahaha) we would be going out for a really nice dinner. Instead he packed and left. He worked all day (from his home office) so it was hard to see if he was happy or not. We did go out for a late lunch/early dinner and he seemed very normal.

It is interesting - your question about his appearing happy. Peaks and valleys. Just the night before he left, he said, come outside and talk to me while I smoke a cigarette. So I did and he was laughing and joking about an old practical joke he had played on our neighbor, because as we stood there the opportunity to repeat it was presenting itself again.

Later that night...he was withdrawn. And we all know what happened next morning.

And so much for Honesty. He tells me now he didn't feel happy from the first day he came home. Well, why not say? Why not get help?

<sigh>

Hi again,

Well, LB was told how hard it would be to be in a recovery phase.I would bet that most of the WS's that do go home aren't that happy.There is just so much to uncover and go through plus withdrawal from the OP.But because you both weren't in any specific plan,he did not have an outlet for his emotions besides you,for which he was untruthful yet again.I aksed this question before: why is it SO HARD for our WS's to come to we BS's and spill it all? I know some people have said that they did try to tell their spouses but did not get a response back or did get one such as things aren't that bad or whatever.

But we are the ones who they are married to,spent years with,had children with,made dreams and plans with and now that has no value anymore? What makes it so easy to spill everything to a new person all of a sudden? Just the extra acting they do to make it appear as though every word is gold? Is that all it takes from an OP? Why couldn't LB tell you his innermost fears and feelings so you could work through this TOGETHER? Instead he is taking the cowards way out,he is running out.Sorry if that offends you IS but he did not give this enough time at all.There is so much at stake it deserves much more time and effort.I just don't understand WS's that can dump it all for something so transient.Well,that's something I am still working on myself.

O

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you thought about approaching him with getting into a plan now that things are deteriorating? Have you suggested to him that he come back here for some asisstance? We need to try and reach him again.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just realized I didn't respond to this. That is what I did all day yesterday. Tried to get him to consider options, plans, coaching, marriage counselors - anything!

He would say:

We tried that.

I did everything I could.

I read.

I followed the steps.

It won't work.

How could it possibly benefit me/us?

etc., etc.

Writing his personal history of failure in advance.

The SYMC Coach also tried to get him to be open minded about putting together new game plan since the old one wasn't working.

He just said, "sorry, I won't be here."

But all the same, he's crying as he leaves me and our home and our dog.

So, I really don't know how he can be "reached" at this point.

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

Oh ISGirl, I am so sorry to hear all this..this so reminds me of when Dad left just a few weeks ago. Remember he left on Mothers Day. We had one of the BEST days ever that day. We went out to brunch, we talked, we held hands, we laughed, we talked about our future, we did this, we did that. OK, so this whole time Dad was still in the Affair..I had not idea.

When we got home that afternoon, Dad was very withdrawn. I asked him what was wrong and the rest is history. I kicked him out cuz I was sick of his waffling. come to find out he was in the Affair all along. Making all these plans with the OW to move in iwth here etc. We had 7 weeks of false recovery. I was doing all the work, while he was not happy making other plans.

I went into Plan B....I still dont know if Dad is in contact with OW now. I have no way of knowing. I only go by what he says.

IS, please do not give up. LB is very confused right now. Oh boy, gosh, YOU are the one supposed to be giving ME the advice here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> give him some time. I agree with RH, go into Plan B again. Talk to the coach and see what they have to say. I am already talking to my coach this monring. This has really scared me and I want to make sure we have a Plan in place.

Still thinking of you

Mom,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has really scared me and I want to make sure we have a Plan in place.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good! Learn from this. Recovery doesn't just happen. I heard all the words - it's work, hard work! Get a good plan and be accountable to each other and to your coach that you are staying on the path.

Hugs!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Good! Learn from this. Recovery doesn't just happen. I heard all the words - it's work, hard work! Get a good plan and be accountable to each other and to your coach that you are staying on the path.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HINY ..my friend I hope you are reading this as well..no-one deserves to go through this pain over and over