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We had lunch. It was comfortable, I believe. Non-threatening to him.
He wants to make a plan - a good plan.
I gave him a gift - a book Star*fish recommended about Happiness.
He is very sad that he chose the route he did.
Stay tuned...the fat lady hasn't sung yet.
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LB is showing encouraging behavior, but remember, you have been here before. I know, so I have I! ACTIONS, actions, actions, NOT words.
HE needs to come up with a PLAN for NC and how EXACTLY he will work on your M--actions, actions, actions. Tell him you need him to lead you out of this. He knows where the resources are that will help him to do this.
We too had several false recoveries. Beat me down until I just knew that whatever would be, would be as I had done all that I could possibly do in the situation at that time. If he would start letting me in, more could be done, but until then, it was all up to him.
He definitely doesn't want to give you up, but does he WANT to and will he have the fortitude to keep going no matter what he FEELS like? That is what you need. Let him go, let the M go until you see that desire and willingness on his part. He may need to experience Plan B fully (again, right?) for that to happen.
Just two months ago, my H was screaming at me telling me it was over (our M) and that he didn't care if I told everyone that it was b/c he still talked to OW. There was no hope and he was done. I told him he was free to go at any time, that I would continue on with my life. I would always love him and no one could ever convince me that the two of us didn't have a chance for a happy marriage, couldn't make it happen, but he needed to be willing and put himself truly into it. After some counseling with SH, NC (finally), working on meeting EN's etc. the changes are happening and we are actually enjoying each other again. I asked him this morning if he felt better about us now, and he said, yes, can't you tell?
There is always hope, but it takes both of you. Praying he sees the light and that you keep up your courage and strength.
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Anne,
Good thoughts and I think that is where he is, exactly. He knows it is up to him to create a fail-safe plan and to be able to implement it. And he wants to do just that.
Plan B is not appropriate. Yes I have done it - very successfully for 6 months solid! But there hasn't been contact. It was just a major meltdown and his inability to handle it. Seemed easier to run than to deal. There are IC issues as well that will be addressed.
This new plan will be strong, bulletproof. It will be blessed by a marriage coach.
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Is!
I So hope this will work out for you! Don't take that love down yet! Keep us posted and I am so glad to hear that a MC is on your future.You will be in my prayers.
O
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ISgirl...P.S. It is me, Christy, under a new name (you gave me lots of support when I exposed the A and my WH workplace, remember). Your Tampa/Carrollwood sister. Hang in there. I heard about the God of your emotions bit from one of my favorite Christian speakers, Joyce Myers. She is on the Christian Television Network at 7:30 am in our market, and she does a GREAT series on emotional healing, and how we have to have the Christian maturity to do what is right NO MATTER HOW WE FEEL. Because that is the best way the enemy can detract us...is to make us "feel" something. And we follow that feeling as gospel, instead of the, hmmm, GOSPEL as gospel! Thinking for you and know Marriage Coach will help you devise a SOLID plan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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SerendipiT,
Aha! Shhhhh! Hi! New name, huh? That's ok. Lots of folks have done that.
Now I remember. But again, thank you so much for the good stuff! Really good stuff. Helpful stuff. Inspirational stuff.
So...this station...can I pick it up in my car? Is it radio? 'Cause I leave at 7:30...I commute to Sarasota every day and this sounds like helpful stuff.
Hugs, and BTW, how are YOU doing?
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Doing great. My marriage is still a mess. But I am happy, fulfilled, laugh everyday, and just plug along, faithfully hoping my marriage survives this cold, dead winter. They say there is a season...waiting for the spring! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Anyway, check out Joyce Myers online at: http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/jmm_cgi/temp/index.plx She has a great program that airs on TV called "Enjoying Everyday Life" And from the looks of the webste, it appears that you can watch the broadcast online as well!!! Plus, she has an emotional healing teaching package you can purchase that speaks SPECIFICALLY about all these pesky emotions or FEELINGS. It is $115 dollars, and includes over 23 hours of teaching tapes...which I think you would both really benefit from. You could dedicate 1 hour every other day to go through this series...and I KNOW you would both benefit. It has helped me tremendously, and I am not the one who is trying to throw in the towel on our marriage because I am not quite "feeling it" right now!!! Hang in there...and we need to shop soon!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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SerendipiT, Know what I like about your name? The real spelling ends in "pity". But your approach looks like a party! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Upbeat at the end. Do you work? I'd love to meet you someday. Lunch someplace? Do you work? You know, you can find my email addy at saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc I am sharon symc over there. <small>[ May 31, 2004, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>
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Alas, I do work. Darn it. Not independently wealthy yet...but one can wish, you know! I am still up for lunch someday!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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And I guess you aren't watching the hockey game either.
Do you have children?
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two..9 and 4. Crazy little ankle biters!!! Love em though. And no. NO SPORTS FOR ME, I am happy, oooooohhhhhh so happy to say!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I was a sports widow for 9 years...so now, the closest thing to sport I watch, is a AMC classic movie "marathon."
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Yes, if my H were here tonight, it would be hockey! I'll read about it tomorrow in the paper.
I'm older than you (a bit...), with a grown son and a 5-year-old granddaughter. Does that take me out of the competition for lunch? LOL
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I love this guy, and want to be there to help him over whatever hurdles he faces in life. But he says he can't "feel" my love, so he isn't buying into it.
If I may....
LostBird does not "feel" your love ....
translation:
He does not enjoy the reflected sense of self he sees when looking into the eyes of the wife he betrayed.
Wherever he goes ..... there he is.
The sense of loss for any really good and decent WS is a profound loss of self respect and positive identity.
He's lost to himself.
And being with you magnifies the loss of who he'd like to see ... when he looks in the mirror.
Unless he resolves this personal dilemma, he will remain one very unhappy fellow.... no matter where he goes in life.
YOU cannot make HIM feel GOOD about HIMSELF! And that's what he's looking for. Himself.
He cannot be happy right now, no matter who he is with. If he is away from you, he cannot blame his UNhappiness ON you .... Please, do not allow him back until he likes himself. When he likes himself, he will "feel your love" once more.
I think the cause of so many false recoveries ... is the WS's deep self-loathing .... and the OW is there to make "pretend nice family" for a short time. The WS can feel like a nice guy ... in a pretend family.
Pep
<small>[ May 31, 2004, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Pep!
Hi! Welcome to my world.
First, I hafta tellya...I just made very good friends with a very good friend of yours...Susan.
Amazingly, a gift from the Heavens, she appeared in my life when I needed a voice identical to hers.
She and I are IM'ing (hmmmmm I told her I was concerned about an A- LOL!) sooooo much each day. But seriously, she has been a voice of reason and an anchor in my othewise turbulent life. She is GREAT! And she mentioned your friendship.
Now, back to subject. You are totally right. I posted somewhere - maybe on SYMC - are you there, Pep? I haven't seen you - about the fact that until he finds personal happiness in himself - he cannot find any personal happiness in his other relationships...marriage, dating, affairs, you name it.
Star*fish gave me the title of a great book about happiness. And I gave it to him at lunch today. He has already digested more tha 1/3 of it and is finding it enlightening.
Thanks for posting on my thread. Your voice is one highly respected by me...I enjoy reading your stuff. I've watched the many tributaries your life's journey has taken...your are one strong, terrific woman!
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Pep...I gave her a laugh... I pulled up YOUR last years April Fool's thread... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ...remember when you just about got us both banned from the board? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Suz <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <small>[ May 31, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>
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Hi....
Susan.... I have NOT forgotten about the email I owe ya. it's just going to take a lot out of me emotionally.... and I am waiting until I feel I have "some" to spare!
Love,
Pep
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Pep..take all the time you need. No rush. However, I am reading now, so I will know what you are referring to. Sorry for the temporary threadjack, IsGirl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Suz
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ISGirl:
I am of course still open to lunch. I am not concerned with age...just the freshness and tenderness of one's heart.
So...how about it?
By the way, what is happening with you and WH?
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Hi Everyone,
Update...Lost Bird did not fly away permanently.
He is home. He doesn't want a divorce.
We are working on Recovery again.
I'm not going to post details...too much information last time.
Just pray for us, OK?
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IS girl - What good news! I have really missed LB, and I'm sure you have too.
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