IWTBH,

I hope I don't ramble too much. It's been a long day at work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For one thing, self-esteem doesn't make you stop doing destructive things. You gain self-esteem by stopping the destructive behaviors. I had zero self-esteem when my ex and I separated. I gained it and I worked very hard to get it. It took months and months! It's definately not easy.

You have to take everything one day at a time. Each day that you don't use is a day that your body and mind are beginning to heal.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know what it takes to stop using (NA & SPONSOR), but it also takes confidence, high self-esteem, encouragement and goals and direction in life.
You do not stop using by having confidence, high self-esteem, encouragement and goals and direction in life.
You never start using if you have confidence, high self-esteem, encouragement and goals and direction in life.When you stop using, you develop all these things.
The only thing that it take to stop using is one step in the right direction. And you're going there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I'm not trying to hurt you either, but from personal experience I'ld like to share something with you that may help to show you that what you do under the influence is a "choice" regardless of what you are on.

My father was an accute chronic alcoholic. He started drinking during a two year stint in Nam as a helicopter search and rescue pilot. The nicest guy you could ever meet. I never once in my life saw him commit a mean act, to my mother, to us children, to anyone anywhere. He CHOSE not to abuse other people, even though he could not stop drinking. He drank himself to death by the way, straight vodka and nothing else for weeks until he died. He broke our hearts!

One time my ex-boyfriend told me he went to the bar and did something stupid because someone gave him some cocaine. I told him if he ever used drugs as an excuse for his behavior again I was walking.

These people here are telling you the truth.
Please listen to them before you destroy your life.

Weaver

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>
I accept full responsibility. I admit it, and will not try to justify it anymore. You are right, and I need to accept it and try to move on and one day forgive myself for all of this. My problem is I'm forgiving to other people for things they do, but I can never forgive myself, and maybe that's why I lack low self-esteem and treat my body and mind this way, even though I had loving parents and a loving boyfriend. Deep down too I feel that I'm not good enough, that I'm just a pretty face to everyone. I need to talk to people about these issues or a professional and try and get my self-esteem back and not be so confident that looks can get me through life, and cuteness can get me through life. I am true to myself and a genuine person, but I feel nobody can truly see what I"m like on the inside except for my family and my boyfriend.

Using the word Duh and you saying it is childish is correct. That is my way of defending myself and making myself feel better when being criticized. I realize this now and want to do what I need to to make things better for me and for the people who love me.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to apologize for stopping my posts to you. I felt that nothing that was being said was getting through. I am very glad that others with more empathy for your issues stayed with you and continued to post and help you. They are truly Godsends and they have helped me see what patience, kindness, and understanding can do for someone.

I am truly amazed by this post. I see a woman who is articulate, intelligent, and capable of introspection. I hope you continue to seek help and continue to post here. Have you found a counselor yet? How many NA meetings have you attended? Do you have a sponsor?

April

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> No one wants to reply to me?? I'm so trying and I'm not getting any feedback, help, encouragement, or replies... I'm so depressed, hurting, and worried and confused, can't anyone help me? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have an NA sponsor that you can contact when you are feeling like this? Do you live in an area where you can find a meeting near you at most times of the day?

I would also suggest finding a forum or on-line discussion group devoted to helping recovering addicts. You might find more instantaneous help there when you need it.

You are at a very delicate but extremely important time in your life. Please continue to reach out when you need help. While I understand you may be comfortable with this site now, I strongly urge you to find a site where you can get the help you need when you need it.

But please continue to post here as well!

April

Is this for real?

Or is someone putting us on here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Seriously, the exteme change of attitude makes me wonder.......not trying to be a pessamist, just made me think of Cybil or something.....I hope the "change" is for REAL!!!!

I am usually the optomist! ? ? ?

blessings,
Atruheart

Honest,
I've just read through this thread and was amazed-like watching a basketball game in fastforward. I also took the first couple of posts to you as those good old 2X4's that come out when we need them. It was easy to tell you weren't very fond of those. No one ever is, just they happen to be what we need some times.
The whole time I was reading, I was still stuck on your original post.
Should you be having sex with your friend?, because right now he's your best friend instead of boyfriend due to your cheating, right? I was just really hoping you two are extremely careful. Having sex with a user isn't the wisest thing to do, especially one who's slept with another user. It downright scary. Then I read your ages and decided the two of you are quite old enough to know all of this by now.
Drug issues aside for a moment, maybe you shouldn't be having sex. Maybe you should just work on the relationship for a bit, maybe not even 'relationship' but instead friendship. It sounds like you need a friend right now more than you do a damaged relationship that you are trying to hold together.
I have to comment on your statement that marriage is nothing special. For one, I can't believe there are many people at all that truly believe that. Sure, other relationships can be extremely close and very important to us. But deep down, many of us hope to end up married to this person we find so special. Why? Because marriage IS different. It bonds us together in the eyes of man and God. In God's eyes, it joins the two into one being. (That whole concept of being one is what makes it so incredibly painful when an A happens. It shocks us into realizing that we have to actually work at being one, not take it for granted.)
I hope you find the help and support you need. I've been through a situation recently with a family member and her addiction. I know she felt alone in it but believe me, there was a huge group of us closely affected and pulling for her.
One thing she did and unfortunately still does is look for someone or something else to blame. I really feel like that trait is one that helped her become addicted and will also be her largest stumbling block. Learning to accept responsibility is hard but is a valuable lesson to learn. I hope you can learn this. I really feel like it will be great for you when you can.
One last thing I wanted to say. If drugs make you cheat, then think of doing drugs as cheating.
Meanwhile, I'm praying for you.

Dear Jarod,

Yes, I am being sincere and genuine with my post and I'm glad I'm on the right path. I know you don't post for sympathy, and neither do I. Thanks so much for all your help.

Dear Jarod,

There must be a reason why I keep going back to drugs... I want to stop, but sometimes I want to still party. Maybe it has to do with immaturity? Maybe the word NEVER is hard for me. It is sometimes hard when I'm lonely, bored or angry, or sometimes even happy. I just have to keep on remembering where I"ve been when I lost everything and did things I didn't want to, and just do it one day at a time.

Dear Mitzi,

Thank you so much.

Dear Chris,

Thank you!

Dear Weaver,

Just a note that when you are high, it fogs your decision-making on knowing what is right and wrong... I have been selfish also. I'm take full responsibility and am just going to move forward from here and not worry about blaming it on my skills to decide what's right and wrong and why I did what I did. Thank you for all your help.

Dear RoanWard:

I am also very glad that others with more empathy for my issues stayed with me and continued to post and help me. They are truly Godsends.

I have not found a counselor yet because it's $72 for a sesion. I will wait until my health insurance starts on July 19th. I have attended 2 NA meetings and do not have a sponsor yet.

Thanks for all your help.

Dear RoanWard:

Do you have an NA sponsor that you can contact when you are feeling like this? NO

Do you live in an area where you can find a meeting near you at most times of the day? EHH

I would also suggest finding a forum or on-line discussion group devoted to helping recovering addicts. You might find more instantaneous help there when you need it. WHERE??

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

Dear atruheart:

Yes, my post is real. It's always been my attitude, I guess I was just trying to justify what I did.

Thanks for all your help.

Dear lost and found:

Yes, he is best friend from start of friendship, during relationship and now that we're not a couple anymore... but he said he can't help wanting to be close to me emotionally and physically.... and that includes just cuddling on the couch, not just sex. I didn't sleep with this guy I cheated with, I gave him a handjob here and there, but never to ejaculation. And yes, I know about safesex, as does my boyfriend.

You're right, I need him as a friend right now, more than anything.

I didn't say marriage is nothing special... it's not what I meant. I beieve even without marriage, that it bonds us together in the eyes of us, maybe not god and the eyes of man, but it bonds us togehter in the eyes of ourselves. I feel it makes us two into one, whether married or not. I think you should work hard and not take one another for granted even when not married.

How does this friend blame someone else for her drug addiction? Can you tell me the story in more detail and who she is blaming? Just curious, as it may help me.

Thanks for all your help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Dear Jarod,

There must be a reason why I keep going back to drugs... I want to stop, but sometimes I want to still party. Maybe it has to do with immaturity? Maybe the word NEVER is hard for me. It is sometimes hard when I'm lonely, bored or angry, or sometimes even happy. I just have to keep on remembering where I"ve been when I lost everything and did things I didn't want to, and just do it one day at a time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well.... it's like this.
I had a car I enjoyed. I loved driving it around... but, I also loved racing with it. That rush is something that is second to none. The only thing better than racing is sex. Fact.
However... I knew that every time I raced, I wore down the motor, suspension, transmission, and body just a little bit more than normal.
Eventually, it got slower, and less responsive. The car was dying... and, I was the one killing it with my 'need for speed'.
Like I said... I loved this car... I loved it as if it were one of my children. I had to do something about it.
So... I chose to stop racing with that car.
Believe me... it was hard to be on the freeway at 2 AM, and have some guy in a Mk. 3 Supra flash his brights at me (a challenge in the world of street racing), and just let him pass. But, I thought more about the long term, than the heat of the moment.
Eventually, I chose to stop doing that, and I began racing again. A month later, I found myself on the side of the road on Mt. Charleston, with oil and fuel all over my windshield, and a big bulge in the hood.
My motor finally gave in. And, I didn't have the 1200$ to fix it. My car was dead... and, I killed it.

Moral of the story; I used some parallels, and examples. Here's the meaning... racing is the drugs, and the car is your body. I am you.
Think about this.

Also... if you've ever watched The X-Files, you may recognize this line... remember it the next time you decide to rid yourself of drugs...
"If the shark stops swimming, it will die. Don't stop swimming."

well put.... if I do say so myself

You are so awesome.. Thanks for that description. I just want to know why I keep going back to it though... cause I like it? I guess so. You really helped me with this description with the racing of your car. It helps me a lot. Thanks a bunch.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Dear Mitzi,

I'm 34 and my boyfriend is 40.

I also have been beaten in the past by this man who I cheated with. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You asked earlier what is the difference between a mistake and a bad choice. A mistake would have been if you went to a party with no intention of being alone with another man, got drunk or high, and ultimately something happened. (I don't say thats an excuse but its a mistake) a bad choice is to get high with someone of the opposite sex, and someone who you know has no respect for you, since he has beaten you in the past.

When I was in the military I heard over and over again that there are mistakes and there are crimes. A mistake is when you are doing everything by the book, not taking chances, and trying to do the right thing, yet something bad still happens. A crime is when you are not following the book, you are taking chances, and not using care in what you do, then something bad happens.
Michael