My friend asked me to cut and paste the following to this thread. She feels that I misunderstood her situation, and while she would prefere not to become an active member of this forum at this time, she would still like a reply posted for her.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok after reading what my friend posted I need to clear up a few things as some facts have been left out and some intwined, I am not seeking anyones approval nor am I looking to hear you bring me down. What I am looking for is to hear from those individuals who have been in this situation, I would love to hear from them. As for the rest of you I respect your opinion and I hear your hurt and anger too. I am sorry and if you need to feel better by letting me have it then go right on and give it to me, it may help you to vent when you may have not had the opportunity to and I do understand but please understand I am not the person you have pictured in your mind. Please read on....
1. I have know this individual for over five years, the affair started after we had worked together (a whole 2 years later) as co-workers I know things about him and his wife because of what incidents had taken place at work before me and him ever became in contact. I have met his wife in person and known of her because of the scenes/problems she has created before anything occured between any one of us. 2. He is staying in the marriage not only because of his concern with his son but because he is close to him and wants to be there for him as if they were divorced he would only be permitted to see him on weekends. 2. I know the wife knows because of a personal conversation between us and she really dont care. 3. They have been married 19 years and this is not the first time this has taken place so I am not so blind that I would consider this never to happen again. 4. I am not sitting back and waiting for this man to come around and divorce and marry me. I have broke this off and seen other people and we have been apart for longer than a year and he still checks on me whether I am involved or not, Tell everyone it is not centered on sex, as the relationship did not begin with it. We worked together as friends and we always be this first hand. We both know the consequences of our actions. 5. My self esteem is not so low that I am letting someone walk on me as I am independant and strong as an individual and people normally turn to me for advise at any age. I was not looking for nor seeking for this to take place but it has and there is alot involved here not puppy love, not sex, if that is what you care to think. I am strong enough to remain single and content all my life is this is what God has intended for me. I know the statistics; I am not living in a smoke filled room. I dont sit here and ponder that one day I will live happily ever after on a cloud wishing! The difference is I am not pursuing this and I dont promote it either I have broken this off and in the time that we been apart it has torn him up, He has sought out a divorce lawyer and since he is the financial supporter and placing his kids in college and purchasing cars and providing their medical he is only thinking of them. It would end today if I would encourage his decision to divorce her and believe me she wants this too but will not be the first to file. (this has to be his decision, I have no part of it) Before, I ever came into the picture they have lived in separate rooms in the home; he is in the basement and she is upstairs, He has tried to revive his marriage more times then he cares to count! When someone plans a surprise getaway on your anniversary with everything in place would you not want to go and rekindle the lost spark if the other spouse is making the effort? This was only the frosting he has done things along the way but it is over and has been over way before I took the place. The woman knows who I am where I live and yes she knew we worked together too! How do I know it is called communication. Yes we have talked! She was not angry nor did she fight and trust me she is not someone who wimpers or lays down she is dominating and a fighter, So why not fight for your husband when you know he is being unfaithful???? Everyone I have known to go through this has fought in some form of anger!!! or they were torn up over it! Why is she any different and dont show emotions or concerns as to where he is when he is not home??? My point she dont care and lost interest in him years long before I ever came along. If anything I stated that if does get this divorce let it not be because of me. This will have to be between her and him. And let it be known I am not sitting and wishing it would take place I dont like seeing anyone torn apart and hurt. I am human I do care. I am a product of a divorced family one that contained verbal and emotional and physical abuse. I am not looking to develop some dream idea of marriage at my age those days are passed. One I cannot have children and another I am old and set in my ways. I am not looking to gain anything from this like some of you have stated to me. There is nothing to gain by it. On the other hand, I dont believe anyone should stay in a relationship if they are being treated bad and I am talking abuse in all forms, marriage is a covenant and a contract binding the 2 and when you date someone and they do all of this without the kids and contract you would be gone! Correct me? I have been in the singles club a long time and have had many long relationships some lasting as long as 9 years, I broke it off and moved on when it became obvious. Now to walk in someone elses shoes and place a few kids and a few homes and other big name responsibilities well it now becomes difficult to break away from especially since there are kids to consider in this particular case it is a boy 13 and girl who is 19 and in college. The concern is the boy and that is the focus here. If he were to divorce he would not be moving in with me and living happily ever after as you may think one would think like this. duh. We have discussed this and if he were to leave a marriage that lasted 19 years he would like to be alone as he needs his time to get himself together, this is normal. As I have ran across many divorced individuals and they no longer want to jump into a commitment. As I said and will let everyone here Know I was never looking to gain anything here and if anything I have given suggestions. And for those of you who look to me and tell my friend that she should turn her back on me as my advise to her could be poisen and may betray her... well you really dont know me and I have been friends with her for almost 20 something years and would never give anyone advise to decieve anyone. I am not looking to hurt anyone and have had plenty of experience helping others through divorces and pulling marriages back together. I encourage others to love and forgive one another and Yes I do pray for them to be together so dont think I am some vixen who is trying to steal someones man, I am the last one you would consider. Like the statement goes you dont know what you would do unless you walked in their shoes, Dont ever say never and dont judge others until you have been through this and not everyone is looking to steal someone. I have walked on both sides of the fence and I know what is all involved here, am I waiting? I can tell you no. My life is hectic and busy and I am too focused on school, work, and I mentor children and adults as well and take care of a parent. Ask me if I care and feel love towards him I can tell you this... Yes. And as the statement goes if you love someone set them free, I dont encourage him being here with me nor do I encourage divorce or any of his decisions. They are his own. Another thing I dont sit here and allow him to discuss her faults or their relationship with me as I am not interested in a pity party or bashing party as I know it takes 2 to tangle. Some of you may roll your eyes and those of you who just turn your nose up and really dont listen, Please do. You maybe the other woman one day and not realize it. There are more divorces in America then any other culture, consider the problem and try to understand so you can see the signs and save a marriage. And also realize too that for some the best cure to mending the relationship maybe through divorce as you would not want your kids to watch you both grow to hate and pretend. What do you think this teaches them? On another note he has discussed this with a lawyer who he pursued on his own and is ready to leave everything to her, he dont want any claims to the property just his kids and has been told how much it would cost him a month for alimony and he is more than willing to pay it. I have stopped this ball from rolling any further but I cannot say how much more he will take before it breaks. The boy is the factor otherwise I am stating if the kids were not in the picture he would have ended this years ago.
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