Hi again,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Were the first ones mainly due to immaturity and the last one due to unmet needs? Is he a true serial cheater? Is it just because he wasn't ever truely held accountable for his past affairs and we never dealt with them together?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something that your H needs to figure out in IC. I remember what my IC/MC told me about my H's A's...that they had little to do with unmet needs. IC/MC said that I could have been meeting all of his needs and then some but because of his own issues (childhood wounds) H would have still cheated. I think the fact that H suffered consequences this time (my breakdown, I asked him to move out for six weeks) was an important factor with him getting help.

My H had to deal with his abandonment issues (mother) and sexual abuse (friend of mother's) from his childhood. The simple explanation is that H felt unworthy, unloved and had very low self-esteem. He was searching for the love/care that he did not get from his mother. She abandoned him at a very critical age for boys (12). He also witnessed his mother involved in multiple A's before she left H's Dad.

It's complicated to say the least.

You might think that knowing this would make recovery easier for the BS. It doesn't. You still get on the same roller coaster ride as everybody else. I'm still dealing with trust issues. It's hard to understand H's A so early on in our M. We were only M'd for 1 year before the first A and only 3 years before the second A. Also learned that one EA had been going on the entire time I have known him (8 years).

Hope this helps.

Take care.

sss

Your post caught my eye because my WH is what I would define as a serial cheater. He had multiple A's in his first marriage (3-4) and had 1 in our marriage that he admits to but I believe there were as many as 3 in our marriage too. One of his A's lasted 12 yrs and he had A's where he saw two women at once. He traveled out of town so it was easy for him to have "a girl in every port". In addition to his A's he had a tendency to lie to prevent conflict and to allow him to do what he wanted.

It has been 3 1/2 yrs since Dday. When I found out my D was a yr old and I was so scared at the thought of having my kids have a broken home that I stayed and we went to MC for 9 mos. MC suggested IC for him but he didn't seem to feel he needed it.

His A's were not a result of EN not being met (He cheated before we were married and while we were in the "honeymoon" phase)! He told me he just had the ability to separate it from our home life. He had sex with these women because they were there. Even when he was having these A's he always told me he loved me and that I was sexy etc. He seemed perfectly happy at home.

3 1/2 yrs later I would have to tell you that I agree with Lemonman. I think it's very hard, if not impossible for a serial cheater to change. WH has been in a job for the last 2 yrs that requires minimal travel. We have made agreements about how we will make me more comfortable when he's gone but many times he doesn't follow our agreement and always has some excuse. Now he has decided to apply for a job that will require 50% travel despite the fact that I told him I could not go thru all the doubt again. I told him that this might push our already shaky marriage over the edge. Doesn't matter, he continues through the interview process.

With a serial cheater it doesn't matter. I think they are selfish, have low self esteem and lack the compassion to care about what their actions can do to others. Although I have no proof that he has had a PA since Dday there have been some red flags. Like you I find myself trying to rationalize things - all because I can't stand the thought of what this will do to my kids. But the reality is that I no longer love him, I don't respect him, and I feel like I'm doing time in hell.

I don't think these types of WS'can change. I think it's only a matter of how much longer we can rationalize it to avoid what we fear.