Okay here it goes......

Yesterday when he came to visit DS he was very distant and cold towards me. So I thought we just need to talk and get to the bottom of everything that is happening. So I called his cell phone and asked him to meet me for lunch. He sounded like it really wasn't something he wanted to do, but he agreed. So I thought about it and I called his cell phone and said well you really didn't sound like you wanted to go so let's cancel and if you feel like going sometime you can call me and let me know. When I got up this morning he left a message saying he did want to meet and he was sorry if it sounded that way. So.......

I met with H today for lunch. First time we have talked since I went to OW house and blew it all up. We met and went into the mall for lunch, brought it out to my truck and ate without kids for once so we could actually talk. So I asked him what happened? What is happening? He said he hasn't seen or heard from her since the day I went to her house. He said he quit seeing her that day. He felt really bad about everything that had happened and so he just couldn't see her anymore. I asked him if she broke if off with him, he said no. Funny I actually believed him, although I shouldn't. Okay well I will post when I get back about the rest of the conversation. NC and all of that. Have to take the kids to dance class.

HINY

Hey

So OW is out of the pic that's a good thing right?

He really wanted to meet with you ...another positive.

You got to talk sans children...whoopie!

He feels bad about everything that happened...getting better

Does it matter who ended it? Isn't it better that he did?

Why shouldn't you believe him? Yes I know the reasons for not believing but do you have reasons for believing him?
H

Hiker,

Yes all of this is positive. And everything was going great until I asked so what is going on and he said he hasn't seen or talked to her since two weeks ago to the day. I said you know she quit her job, he said yes, I said she moved, he didn't know that. He asked me if I still wanted to work it out. I told him I really wasn't sure anymore. Which I really am not. I mean you get to a point where it almost doesn't matter anymore. So this is where it got bad, he said I am all mixed up still. I said what do you mean, he said I am afraid to tell you. I said tell me, there isn't anything that can hurt me any worse than I have already been hurt....he said I still having feelings for her. Well of course this hit hard, but I expected it. I talked to him about withdrawals and how he was going to feel. I told him it would take time. He agreed to the NC letter, IC and MC. We are going to write the letter this weekend. I told him he can't move back in here until he completes atleast 1 IC and 1 MC, and then I would look at the situation again. I have to protect my kids from any further pain. He said he can adhere to the NC. I asked him to change his cell phone number also. We talked about our M and why this happened. He is still in the fog to some extent saying that he could talk to her about what was on his mind and so on although I know he couldn't. He never told her about wanting to come home, that he didn't like her kid, that he had SF with me, so he couldnt talk to her about anything. He also told his mother that he couldn't talk to her as well as he thought he could. When I asked him about this he stated that he didn't remember saying that to his mother. Withdrawals is going to be really hard on him. I asked him how long it had been, he said he hasn't seen or talked to her since two weeks ago today. He even asked me if what he was feeling was normal and how long he would feel this bad. It is so sad, almost like a drug addict or something.

I told him about everyone here, about how much help I have gotten and how much strength I have now. He said he has noticed how much I have changed, that before I was so dependent on him and now he feels like I don't even need him anymore. I told him well I really don't. I can make it on my own if I had to, it's that simple. He said where did you get all this confidence from? I laughed, and said from myself and the Lord. Anyway we left things on a good note, he coming tom to spend time with DS while I go to my post op appt. I am a little nervous about the NC thing, afraid he won't be able to do it. Afraid I will never be first in his life, and I really don't want to waste anymore time of my precious, short, wonderful life on someone that doesn't want me. I am at the end of my line here and he knows it. He cried the whole conversation, I didn't shed one tear. I couldn't find it in me.

Question though, is it normal to want to say scrump off at this point? I mean here we are where everyone thinks they want to be, headed for recovery and NC and I just want to tell him to beat it......is this normal feelings? I have changed so much that when I sit there and look at him and he hasn't changed at all I think the hell with this, I'm outta here. Can anyone answer me on this?

HINY

Oh also I asked him if he would post here for some help with withdrawals and he said yes. So maybe he really will.

HINY

My suggestion..

just build a friendship for now.

Make an agreement with WH to

show kindness and concern for each other
to speak respectfully to each other
to be honest with each other

and nothing else...

no commitment yet... just friendship and building an environment that fosters co-operation with each other..

Ask H if together you can plan to do something strictly ~for fun~ 2 or 3 times a month.

Pep

Thanks PEP

You are absolutely right. I don't want to get myself in too deep in case it isn't what I want now. With him in withdrawals and still having feelings for her it makes it even worse. I think us being friends is the healthy way to go, for me and for my kids at this point.

Thanks for posting. Your advice is always appreciated and seriously taken.

HINY

HINY,

sounds like your situation might finally taking a turn for the better. that is great. i agree, take it slow, i hope it is not too late for you two. all the best.

Thanks FL.

HINY

HI, I was wondering when an update would come .

All seems very positive ,, I agree with PEP.

And to answer some of the questions JMO.

Yes all very normal feelings , in the process of PLAN A then B exposing ect... It takes a serious toll on you ,, and you get that IS IT ALL WORTH IT ?

Very normal (I think) Also to me the the very first hit in the recovery process FEAR !

Fear plays a big part and sticks around in the beging also second guessing yourself ..

YOU need to always stay focused on your self recovery never letting that fall to the waste side .

And rember , this still is the man you fell in love with ,, I know you may not see that all at once , but if he is willing to do the work it takes to RECONNECT then you will see that person more clearly little at a time and it will and can all be worth it .

Neither of you will be the "same" people after this . It has brought so much out and left alot to question .

Go slow and be firm ..
ONLY thing I wanted to stick 2 cents in is when he said , "YOU DON"T NEED ME " you answered with NO I don't I can make it on my own if I had to .

NOW I know that statement is true ,,, but ,,

These are the things may be you could change on how you say them (to let him know what he means to you )

More like ,, I don't need you for your money , or to get by .. I love you and want you as my partner to enjoy life with ,, to be there for eachother emotionaly ...

Something like that ,, maybe some one better with words like ARK or PEP understand what I am trying to say ..
Or even a WS might be able to convay that better ..

I know when MY H thought I didn't NEED him and I said, I don't ,, and stoped there it was a bashing to him ,,, Cause he thought IT meant I don't NEED him in anyway or want him .. (making sense ) LOL

well good luck and all the best .

HINY,
Looks like you have it together to me...Pep always seems to hvae good advice to offer.

It is too soon to tell how he is feeling. He will feel less and less conected w OW as time goes on given that he continues with NC and she doesn't give him any encouragement.

Of course you don't need him and could "make it" on your own. I have no doubt that Mrs H would do just fine w/o me. I am glad that she still wants me around. We are doing the work we need to do in order to keep our relationship alive. We have to give each other permission to have a little rest and we must not become complacent. Our relationship cannot be left to "auto-pilot" in fact there is no such thing...ours is "manualy operated" and we better keep our "eyes on the road" so that we (especially me) will stay on track.
H

Hi,

I did fail to mention that after I said I don't need you, I did say but I am still here so I have chose to stay in our marriage because I want to. I didn't want him to think that I was hanging around because I had nothing better to do, or because I couldn't live without him. I am here because it was what I chose.

He was here this morning to watch DS, very cold and distant again. I just left him alone. I didn't say or do anything out of the ordinary. I just went along my own business. He didn't hug me or anything before he left, he just said see you tomorrow. So I said okay. I wish I had all those feelings that I had for him a month ago. I wonder where they went? I hope they come back when his come back.

HINY

You are perfectly normal. After going through all the pain, and making changes in themselves, most BS's have doubts about recovery.

I would put WH on the back burner for now, and continue to make myself and home a welcome alternative to the path he has chosen. Continue to enjoy your life and do things with your children. Invite him along. But don't be surprised if he refuses. Sounds like he is in withdrawal right now.

Believer,

How are ya? Yeah he is in withdrawals, she doesn't want anything to do with him either so he has no choice but to get through it. I have just opted for his friendship right now and nothing more. As long as he has NC with her he can just get through them ol withdrawals on his own for the most part, I will just stand on the side line and be part of the furniture as I have been for the last 9 months I have been going through this.

Well life is good for me anyway. I enjoy everyday that I wake up and smell the flowers, and the fresh country air. I enjoy my kids, and I can gladly look myself in the mirror and say I have done all that I can. Which ever path he chooses at this point, I will be okay no matter what and I know it. My kids are better now, I am better, even my family is better now. Amazing how the changes you make in yourself reflect upon others.

HINY

HINY -

Hey there. How are you? Sounds good, from what I read. Sounds like the same stuff my H did and said before he came out of the fog.

Luckily, most of his withdrawal was done while he was by himself, so I didn't have to see and hear it all the time. But I did occassionally, and that was pretty rough.

We are steel! Remember to do your best, so that in 10 years you can look back with no regrets. Once my H came home, I was suddenly like, "Whoa! Wait a minute!" I wasn't sure if my love for him would return all the way. But it is, slowly. I think each day we become closer and closer. In some ways, we have never been this close before. And I have been with him since I was 16! So that is saying something.

Anyway, keep on keeping on. Work on you. Take care of your kids. Be nice to him. I always told Greg, "I don't need you anymore. I want to be married to you, I want to be a family with you in it, I want to grow old with you. But I no longer feel I NEED you."

And that is good. That is a lot of pressure to put on one person! I told my H for years I would die without him. Well, he left me, and the next morning I woke up. Alive. Hm.

And now, I am a bonafide Spider Slayer. Yaaaaahhhhhhhooooooooo!

And H loves that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

SS,

Hey lady, we are steel! I am glad things are good for you. Yeah I am seeing a pattern here from your story you have shared with me and mine. I also can see the withdrawals and they really suck. Gosh, it is really horrible. I found out OW hasn't moved yet. The apt is up for rent and she is moving her stuff out, but still there for this month. I was hoping she would fall off the face of the earth actually.

She did quit her job there though. NO chance of getting it back ever either, she didnt put in a notice which they really and totally frown upon. Who cares anyway, one less worry for me. I am hoping he comes around out of the withdrawals once in a while, as it is hard to have feelings for someone that is like an elephant with his trunk cut off.

I am wondering if I will see the old H on and off? I mean today he was like totally lost in himself. The other day he was like the old H. He does such nice things for me in other ways though. He filled the whole trailer behind the four wheeler with mulch for me today while I was at my post op appt. He knows it hurts my back, so he put the trailer on the four wheeler and loaded it, and backed it into the garage for me. He does nice things in his own way. He changed my oil and put new rotors on my truck last week. I think he is trying in his own way. We actually had a nice talk at lunch the other day too. We talked about how we used to feel in our marriage and neither of us was happy. So this is all good stuff. Just keeping on keeping on.

HINY

HINY! Yep, it is a pattern, a process. All of your stuff sounds remarkably like mine! Wierd.

Of course you will see the old H from time to time. You even said you saw him the other day. And my H used to do stuff for me, too. Like right before he told me he wanted the D (the last time, I mean), he built me a website for my business.

To me, that spoke volumes. But he didn't think so. It is so funny. Because now I can say, "Do you think that building me a website meant that you still had feelings for me, you just wouldn't admit it at the time?" And he's like, "Yeah."

But then, if I asked him that, he told me he wanted a D so I didn't keep getting this "false hope."

It is such a strange, strange thing.

You are doing awesome.

SS

SS,

I am trying really hard and you know I am. Gosh I am starting to feel more like foil than steel these days. This sucks more than anything does. His body is here, but his mind is there. I have already done this once for 6 weeks, so scared I am going to lose again that I have put up this wall between us. I am trying to be the lighthouse, I really am.

I hope when he comes today, I can see a glimmer of H, ya know the real one behind door number 2 instead of the alien that lands in every now and then. I will let ya know who he is today. Funny how you notice things like stuff they start doing for you. It's like I love you from over here, not over there where you are. And I love you when I feel like it not all the time so let me do something nice for you today so you know I am still here with you. It is nice but strange.

This whole process sucks and it is the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life. And honestly it doesnt matter as long as the A is over, but I think she dumped him now and he lied to me the other day. There is no way he just quit seeing her. No way in he!!. Esp after the withdrawals he is having and two weeks ago he told me he thought he loved her more than me and all of that. She told him to go and not ever come back so he came here instead. I can just tell that I am playing second fiddle here, gosh do I feel like a doormat now.

Every time I go somewhere I have all these guys looking at me and smiling and saying things and I can't get my own H to notice me. It amazes me. I have lost 53 lbs and he brings me a pic from last year at this same time I was huge and I had short hair (and what the he!! was I thinking looking like that) and I said oh my gosh! and he said what I said you don't see the difference and he just shrugged his shoulders. 53 lbs is a lot of weight to shed, plus I have blonde hair instead of red, and I have much sexier clothes now and he just acts like I haven't changed my outside as well as my inside. Wheewwweee rattling on here. Thanks hon for the help. Ya know I am always here for you potato farmers as well....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Love ya,

HUGS

HINY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey there,

You are doing really well!!!

Think of your H as a drug addict, and his drug just walked out and is never comeing back. Now what would you do for a friend that was puking and moaning and shaking in a drug-addled stupor? Help them out any way you could, except bring their drug back.

What can you do to help your H? Ask him what he needs, maybe someone to talk with, a Dr. appt to get some A/D, a back rub, a shoulder to cry on...
A relaxing evening to talk and get some things off his chest...?

SHMI

Hi you are right. I keep wondering what can I do? I feel as though there is nothing I can do. I just feel like he has to get it out of his system himself, but I could ask. I just don't want to hear and see all the crying over her. Just can't take it right now. Back rub I can do, but the balling over her I can't. I might ask though.

HINY

Hi HINY! Thought I'd jump in here concerning the withdrawal state you are in with H. I hated having him miss her. Yuck! It was hard to take. He would wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. I'd rub his stomach, back, whatever. I realized it was just too much for me to be the wonderful listener regarding his grief over her. I got to the point that I realized I couldn't help him through the grief. It was his grief, and he had to get over it himself. I can tell you there is a difference now vs. late March when he actually ended the phone calls. It's much less intense, and I feel like he's with me more than with her mentally. God only knows what he might be like tomorrow.

There are slips backs, like a week ago Saturday when he called her in a drunken state, at a party he was at with me. Great, huh? He told her it was a mistake and hung up immediately. That actually turned out good, because she called him last Tuesday and he saw more of her true colors. She showed him a side that he had to see for himself.

Withdrawal is tough. AS you saw from my long thread on recovery, every stage of this is tough. Whenever I think we're moving in a positive direction, the next stage has its own challenges. As Spider said, we have to be made of steel to endure this. Hang in there! I'm rooting for the best possible outcome for us all! CV