Lisa,
I see that you all have let WAT into this thread, so what the heck I WILL say some sexist things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am after all IMMORTAL (I think I spelled it right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).
It seems to me as a guy, that you are NOT taking into a account "performance", "actions", "goals".
If you want to build self-esteem, then you need to consider these things (Yup, these are a males list <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) But I do think they are valid.
Since you started recovery how have you "performed" as a:
Wife?
a Mother?
an employee?
a friend?
a human being?
It seems to me you need to consider these things and focus on them. Improve them where you think you need improvement, ask your life partner (your H) for help or even opinions. Focus on this.
Next what 'actions' have you taken to redeem yourself and make yourself into the person you want to be. List them, talk with H about actions that will help him, help you. But, as a football coach once told me:
"Don't just stand there boy. Do something wrong, right once in your life."
The point, doing nothing accomplishes nothing. IF you worry about what people think, feel, ect., the you miss the opportunity to do the "right" things. Decide what is right and do it with enthusiasm.
The coach was telling me that the mistake of inaction was worse than any mistake of action. The action mistake can be corrected and turned into a plus. I am telling you the same thing.
Finally there are "goals". What are your goals Lisa? This is what you need to address.
Is one of them to regain your faith? Then do it. You do realize that if everyone was perfect there really would be no need for religion or churches. They are the houses of the sinner, albeit a sinner trying to be better.
If your goal is a better marriage focus on your H. Talk with your H, set goals with your H, work with your H.
If you goal is to be a better mother, then do that. Focus on your child/children, decide what a being a good mother means and then work on it.
It seems to me if you do these things, you will have a very successful and happy life, but have you noticed that the OM has NO ROLE in your life as I have laid it out for you. Hence his opinions have no merit. He may be ashamed, he may think you a "whore", he may think you the greatest thing since sliced bread, but whatever he thinks has no place in your plans, so it is of no moment.
I think this is a round about way of saying "closure" is a poor concept if it includes anyone but you. You need to close up wounds, you need to heal, and then you need to address "actions". That will be your "closure". Anything else is just fooling yourself.
So there you have it from a "sexist" "problem solving" male. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Just follow my instructions and ALL will work out fine. You believe me don't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Seriously, Lisa, it is time to get on with life, and you seem to actually have a pretty nice one to get on with, just go and make it better, and the opinions of those that count (your H, your children and your God) will all be very positive.
Actions girl, that is what I am talking about. Have a great weekend and...
God Bless,
JL
