I am OW. I am also the WS (this is my second marriage). AND in my first marriage I was the BS. I have been having an affair for the past year. It is an EA and PA. He loves his W but he loves me too. I love my H but the feelings are not the same as they used to be (as he is verbally and mentally abusive. I found in my lover not only my best friend, but a wonderful lover. We meet each other emotional and physical needs. We are of the same mindset and have so much in common. People who have never been a OW or OM dont understand. Even though it is an adulterous relationship, it is still a relationship. It may be wrong morally and YES it is wrong in Gods eyes.. but it is still REAL.. VERY REAL. We talk, we laugh, we share, we love, we cry, we fight and we also make love. We have tried to give each other up so many times, but it is hard. Because its not like we wanted to, but because we KNOW we should. IT is the right thing to do. BUT just because it is the right thing to do, doesn't make it any easier. I hurt and I hurt deeply!! We said we were going to end it, but once again this week we found ourself in each others arms. BUT its not all sexual.. people have to understand there is an emotional love there. I am sitting here trying to convience myself that I should NOT be doing this. I know the same God that convicts me of our sin, is the same God that will heal my broken heart. I have cried and cried this morning... but that is ok.... it is! I must stop seeing him and I KNOW that. I must go through the steps to bring closure to my loss. I grieve because I had a positive experience in my life and now I am going to lose something that was important to me (even if it is WRONG) But again.. God hears my cries and he knows my heart. I MUST remember we are doing the right thing.
AND for those of you who want to bash me and other OW and OM.. I too was once the BS (Betrayed Spouse) by my first H SEVERAL times. I KNOW what it feels like to have you heart ripped out by knowing your H not only had sex with OW but loved OW. I told myself I would NEVER do that to someone.. BUT I did!! BUT it wasnt like I intended to. I didnt mean to fall in love.. it just happened. BUT NOW.. by the Grace of God who forgives my sins.. I ask him for guideance and strength to do what is right!!!

Wake up out of the fog. If the two of you are so cozy why don't you both get a divorce and stop being cake eaters. Live life on your own terms. It is like you are having a foursome. That is so nasty if you think of it. Is that what you really want. To tell the truth all four of you are hurting. That is no way to live. Make a decision. Make your marriages work or break away and try life in all it's raw reality. Your relationship is based on deceit and fantasy.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to the right place. I am the BS but I completely understand how innocent people can fall into the trap of infidelity. I have talked to many WS's here, and found that they are just like everyone else.

That being said, the only way to reverse the path of your life is to stop the affair. There are many WS's here who have done it. It is not comfortable or pleasant. In fact it is as hard as a junkie quitting taking drugs.

If you need support, come here and we will help you the best we can.

Thank you Believer.. and yes it is hard, but not impossible (althought it times it seems like it is). I have cried and cried, but know I MUST do the right thing. I know many people will bash me and put me down, but their condemnation towards me is just a way for them to vent in their own cirumstances. I am truly in love. I don't regret loving him either, or anything we have been through. I do regret hurting our families and more than anything hurting God.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am truly in love. I don't regret loving him either, or anything we have been through. I do regret hurting our families and more than anything hurting God. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've been there and done that, born. You're reading the same old script. You're not feeling anything different from what the rest of the FWSs here felt at one time.

Your the victim of your own brain's chemical soup. The affair feels intensly good, so you keep going back. If you're like me, it's going to take you or the OM getting caught to end this. I readily admit that mine felt so good at the time that I would never have ended it on my own.

But, I can assure you that you will eventually look back on this whole relationship and wonder how you could've been so out to lunch.

It's been talked about here over and over. What you are feeling is very immature love...lots of chemicals. At some point, you'll have to make the transition to mature love OR end the relationship. Affairs have almost NO chance of making that transition and almost ALWAYS crash and burn.

But why am I telling you all this? You already know it deep down. But you're riding the affair high and nothing in the world will deter you from getting your fix...

Good luck, born. I hope you are able to patch things up with your H WHEN he finds out (and he WILL find out). You'll find this site much more useful to you at that point.

Low

Sorry for the vent. I was a WS but not OW. I do not like sharing my man. I have to have my man to myself. I am now a BS and I hate it. My WS ended PA but having EA. He called her 30 times last month from cell phone. OW is three hours away. I talked to OW on Discovery of Affair. She did not want to share either but she wanted him to pick her. She tried to break up my marriage. She is pregnant is why he still calls her. I just feel sorry for the two people you two are hurting. Do you two still love your spouses?

Hopefully some of the WS's will post to you. There are many that are in the same position you are in.

Don't worry about criticism. I didn't post to WS's for a long time. I looked at it like they got what they deserved. But after reading their posts, and seeing how hurt they were too, I now have sympathy.

Very few decided suddenly to go out and have an affair. Most just fell into it. My WH is still with the OW, and I feel sorry for both of them. OW left her BH and 12 year old daughter to live with my WH. All around there is a lot of pain.

You might want to check out www.saveyourmarriagecentral. They have a special forum for WS's trying to break off the affair. Good luck and keep posting. We will help you through this.

Hi born!

Sorry you are here but this is a great place for support.

I was involed in an EA, I only kissed him once so I don't know if that made it a PA - I think it does. But anyhoo, I digress...

You are in the fog still and I know because I have been in the exact same place. The only way you are going to heal is to do what you know deep down to be right and end your A.

You will go through withdrawals, and they blow but as you go through them the fog starts to lift and reality sets in. In time, you will get better. Trust the Lord, ask him for guidance and strength to get through this time.

Are you still married? If so you will need to tell your husband and send a NC letter to the OM. Then I would suggest marriage counseling along with individual counseling - individual counseling has helped me through my withdrawals. I still have them (my A ended almost 8 weeks ago) but they are not nearly as bad as they use to be. It's a process you have to go through and remember that it does indeed get better.

Read the board - Kiwi has some great advise so maybe she will pop in.

Do as the Lord commands, end the affair, ask for forgiveness and work on rebuilding your marriage.

God Bless,
Carol

Yes I am still married. I do love my husband but he is so verbally and mentally abusive. He has been phyiscally abusive in the past. He puts me down all the time and nothing I do is right. But at times he acts like he wants to work it out, but always reverts to his selfish demeaning behavior. I KNOW I must end my A. However I dont want to tell my H!! He would kill me!! OR Would divorce me and try to get custody of our son. I cant risk that!! I am a good christian woman (even if what I have done is sinful). The problem is my lover goes to church with me and I see him several times a week (in that setting). We email every day too. We know what we are doing is WRONG! We have both prayed and prayed about this. I dont want to be a hypocrit and go to church and then turn around and continue in this relationship. I do love him, but I love God more and MUST do what is right. This board has been helpful. I keep reading things about the BS and how they feel. I must think of her too!!

B2bf.,

Sorry but this just plucked my nerve. (there I admitted it).

From what little you've written in your post I believe that you DO Want to to what's Right......................................what's Right for yourself that is!

I don't read remorse here, I read a self serving pity party. IMO

YOU claim you don't "want to be a hypocrite". Then STOP being one. It is your Choice to be one or not. Just as its YOUR Choice to be in an A or not. This did not just happen like slipping on ice. YOU and OM controlled and willingly took all the steps necessary to get where you are now.

You are very comfortable where you are right now. So just admit it. The hypocrisy is in the fact that you are coming here and trying to get sympathy from those being hurt by others like you.

Shame on you if you indeed were a BS. To cause others pain and not realize the impact of it is one thing, but to know and completely understand the torment you are reaping out is just plain mean.

Hey, sounds like you and your H have and had major problems. OK, that happens.
But what you "choose" to do about it IS ALL your responsibility.

From your description of your A you believe that you are in real "Love", best friends and on and on. Then get a D and make this "REAL" relationship a Real, true and out in the open relationship.

I have the feeling that the OM does not really want to be with you. Why? You are just the extra, on his plate and in his life. YOU are not #1, and never will be.

Why do you think this OM loves you? Because he says so? Please. Guys will do and say a lot of things to get what they want.
Also, Don't go into all the EXCUSES as to why the 2 of you CAN'T be together as man and wife. Cause that's all they are. Your Both already causing all this pain. Hell, getting 2 Ds and getting together legally will just help end everyone elses suffering.

What's closer to the truth is that it is just easier to believe all the lies and deception (even to yourself) because that's the only way you can continue in this illicit (gag) romance.

IT seems that you only want to come here to post to try and somehow "justify" to (yourself), the readers or someone that what your doing is....in your words....Right.
Well, guess what?? NO ONE HERE is going to agree that your A is Right or REAL! We believe it is a fantasy and an illusion based on lies and deceit. So give up the idea that you will get support to continue in this A.

With that said, IF you want to End your A, you will receive all the help you ask for to meet that goal.
If you decide to save and heal your M, you will get all the advice, support, as well as a place to heard that you want.
YOU can get help here to end an A BUT NOT to continue in one. Go over to TOW if that's what your looking for.
So it's up to you. I hope that you make the Right decision for everyone involved. Take care....................and wake up.

Sorry for the tone of message but this just burns my a*s!

Real love does not hurt. Affairs hurt. And they do hurt more than the wayward ones.

Top rope,
I am here to get help and STRENGTH to end this relationship. Yes it is a choice I made to enter into the relationship I am in. I know it is wrong and that is why I am here. Never the less it is a realtionship that involves someone I love... therefore making it hard to leave it. AS I said, it is hard, but not impossible

What are you waiting for?

who says I am waiting? That is why I am here for support to do what is right.

First of all please...save the sanctimonious entitlement for somewhere else....

People who have never been a OW or OM dont understand.

Infact there are lots of support boards specific to your unrealistic crown of a victim-hood...

know several things.

1. this is a marriage building site...pro-marriage...so get it now that no one is going to advocate here the continuation of your affair...especially of your post of poor victim-hood...

BUT
that is not to say that people here believe in saving every and any marriage at any cost...not even close...

The issues and problems in your marriage are one set of problems...

your affair is another...

neither will fix the other...and as long as you stay where you are...you are dooming yourself to a cycle of abuse as you say from your husband...

and abusing others..yourself, your husband, your son, the OM...and his wife...and their children...

2. KNOW That you can't have it both ways...none of us can...that the spin of emotions you put on your affair...have nothing to do with the fact that it is your and mine and every other humans reality on this earth that no matter what we profess to believe in .....it is our actions that define us...

your actions speak of and bring pain to children...

your actions are deceiptful to innocent people

you who you are based on your actions...that is not a judgement...as you are so readily point out as being in your first post...it is all facts...

me or others stating the facts of your actions REGARDLESS of the emotions that drive the action does not make us judgemental...

I am truly in love. I don't regret loving him either, or anything we have been through. I do regret hurting our families and more than anything hurting God.

no one here is interested in your regret...people here are interested in doing the right things...

the fact that you are in love...serves no-one when it is your action of love that brings such great destruction....
i don't think God has the same definition for love as you do...but that is my opinion...

you hide in an affair to keep from having to face the reality of your marriage...
you use the OM..and his wife and children to protect you from doing what you should do to stop the chaos in your own marriage..

you wrap it up in emotions and love...but fear drives you to stay in this limbo....

If you want people to help you here you should not post such challenging in your face posts about how great your affair is...
we know what it really is..

how all of it is just reflections and grapplings for real pure walk in the sunshine kind of love and light...

that carrying such deceipt weighs heavy on the soul...and becomes tiresome....

you are carrying a great burden...and perhaps even a bigger chip on your shoulder...
perhaps it is time to quit making life harder than it is...

ARK

Originally posted by Born2bFit:
who says I am waiting?

Are you going to end your affair today?

That is why I am here for support to do what is right.

End your affair today ... no waiting!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

You must stop going to that church and start going to another one. You also must have no contact with OM.

Then you can work on your marriage. If your husband is abusive, that will be the next battle.

First of all ARK it is not your place to judge my senserity in my relationship with God! God knows my heart and that is what is important. I have sinned YES I have. No matter what my emotions are, the act of what I have done is WRONG. I KNOW THAT. I am not looking for your compassion. I am looking for encouraging words to help me through this NOT SOMEONE TO make me feel belittled (I get enougth of that from my husband). OH and everyone else here is perfect right?? There are NO other WS right? WRONG!!! Let he who cast stones huh? DONT PUT ME DOWN. I am trying to do the right thing! POINT BLANK!!!!

I didn't judge your sincerity with God...
I am sure you believe what you are saying...
no matter the lack of logic involved in it....

I do judge YOUR original post as defensive....and in your face to how great "your" affair is...on a site with many betrayed spouses...(of which I am not)....

I have no interest in "your state of sin" whatever state it is in....

I always find it interesting when people throw the word love around that is defined in actions that are hurtful to many innocent people....

I truly believe that people in the throes of an affair as you are have no concept of what love means or is...for your actions are not loving...
that is my opinion....

I didn't belittle you at all...perhaps it is your own actions that make you feel that way....

ark

Born, ark made some excellent, albeit uncomfortable points. One does not have to be God to judge your actions. ["know them by their fruit"] What did she say with which you disagree?

Instead of screaming at her because she hit a nerve, why not read her post again and respond rationally? If you put aside your defensiveness you will probably see a great deal of wisdom in her post because she is right on.