"I love you but I'm not in love with you."

I've been on the receiving end of a few of these now. FWSes, can you describe what it's like to feel this way? Is it really an honest description of your attitude toward the BS? Or is it just plain old B.S.?

Did the heady rush of infatuation over the OP cause your feeling of attraction to your BS go away, or was it gone before anything began?

GC

I love you, but:

-I'm going to behave selfishly.
-I'm not going to act like I love you.
-I want to do what I want, when I want.
-I want to live like a single person.
-it's inconvenient for me to be in love with you.
-I'm having an affair.
-I'm cheating on you, so that must be "real" love with the OP because I'm not a bad person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong> I love you, but:

-I'm going to behave selfishly.
-I'm not going to act like I love you.
-I want to do what I want, when I want.
-I want to live like a single person.
-it's inconvenient for me to be in love with you.
-I'm having an affair.
-I'm cheating on you, so that must be "real" love with the OP because I'm not a bad person. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL Lor ... perfect!

Ha!

Pep

I value your friendship.
I think you are a good guy/gal.
I don't wish you any harm.

You don't make my heart pound or my stomach flip.

I don't know how to address all the issues I think I see that lie between us.
It's a lot easier to run off and play and be giddy than to filter truth from perception and fix the tough problems.

graycloud,
I am not a FWS, but as a BS going through a ruf time, I think I can offer a backwards explaination.

As a BS, I feel this way at times when our recovery is not going so well. I still love and care more for my FWW than anyone else, but at times my frustration and anger still manage to get in the way. As Harley descibes when the "love bank" dips low you can feel that you have fallen out of love.

Im sure there have been times in your journey so far where is seems like all the negative emotions are overwhelming you. When those feelings of anger or betrayal are in your heart, isnt it sometimes hard to feel any "Romantic love" towards your WS?

Thats my explaination of it on the flipside.
Hope that helps a little bit. Good luck and keep up the efforts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I value your friendship.
I think you are a good guy/gal.
I don't wish you any harm.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's said all these things, almost exactly.

Do you remember if it was before or after your affairs started that you felt this way? Just curious.

GC

I felt those ways, and worse, before the affair ever started. Long before. Even before the worst of the verbal abuse and the single incident of physical abuse, I recall saying things like "I am desperately unhappy in this marriage" and "I am tired of pretending this marriage is okay".

As to "in love"...I don't even go there, about anyone, any more, past, present or future. That state is inconsequential compared to a lot of other human states (specifically mine) that I need to attend to. I am rarely ever even sorry or regretful about having married when I was so completely unprepared to be a wife (to a person who, after previous marriages was still unprepared to be a husband, and may still be). I have plenty to do, and I am at peace.

All that said, in my daily life (yes, still married) I focus more on doing what would please God than anyone else, with good results. "Love one another as I have loved you" is constantly in front of me.

In udda woids, I'm tru wid burnin passion. ;-)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you remember if it was before or after your affairs started that you felt this way? Just curious.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I've *always* valued the friendship, thought he was a good guy, etc. so those statements have always applied but I see what you're asking. At what point in time did those become the overriding sentiments I felt toward H?

After his A I felt desperate, clingy, needy, terrified. Due to lack of NC letter, lack of being an open book, continued hiding of OW's contact attempts, these feelings lasted a long time... about a year.

When I became exhausted at trying to be strong, and positive, and when I gave up trying to push us toward recovery -- when my lovebank became empty -- that is when I began feeling the feelings I posted. That's also when I dipped into the beginnings of an EA.

Which came first, the feelings or my A? Hard to put into a timeline because that timeline is so darned short. I'd say they developed in tandem. For the longest time I thought the feelings were the result of fog, and I think to some extent they were.

However, we're also back into the rut of me pushing recovery and him not seeing the point. He hasn't said those words but I've asked him to do the ENs questionnaire 3 times in 2 or 3 months and still nothing. Actions speak, you know? So while I still love him, appreciate and am aware of his many fine qualities, wish all the best for him... sometimes I feel twinges of "in love" whereas most times I'm not at all "in love" with him.

I guess it all boils down to the feelings of "in love" went away when my LB became empty. Twice now. This time I'm about 7 months NC and I'm not going to get emotionally close to any other man. I want to be sure that the problems I perceive between us are really between us, and not fabrications to justify feelings for an OM.

I want us to have the best chance possible for a recovery, and if we fail I want it to be due to us and not some OP being in the middle of the dynamics of our M.

Sorry - I kind of put a lot more info out there than you asked for, hope my perspective is helpful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -I'm having an affair.
-I'm cheating on you, so that must be "real" love with the OP because I'm not a bad person. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once, when we were discussing her A, WW pointed out to me that she is not a bad person. I had to agree she isn't a bad person but she is doing a bad thing.

I had to agree she isn't a bad person but she is doing a bad thing.


Jeff... define a "bad person".

Pep

Actions follow thoughs, so, if actions are "bad", so are the thoughts.

There's a Bible verse "as a man thinks, so is he".
(sorry, I don't have the reference)

How do we define ourselves if it is not with our actions?

Beliefs?
Words?

Those require follow-through to mean anything.

And, if actions & words conflict, the truth will be in the action.

deafjeff,
I should have added that you wife defining her affair as a bad thing is a better take on reality than calling it a good thing.

And, I wouldn't even go back to the conversation about her being a bad person. I don't see a positive outcome for that particular conversation.

Everybody who agrees that the ILYBINILWY exclamation is stated by nearly 100% of cheating spouses, raise your hand.

Thought so.

This was the first indicator that there is a common Alien Mothership where the brain scrambling takes place. Has to be. Multiple Motherships wouldn't produce this consistency.

WAT

After the flattery that was heaped on her by the OM, my W wants to be a cool, independent, professional babe living on her own and loving life. In her madness she probably sees me as boring and domestic and in a rut that her A has spurred her to leap out of. So now I'm going to have to out-cool, out-independent, and out-loving-life her. I'll beat her at her own game and make her jealous of me. If I can get these crying jags to stop.

I just wonder how much I'll lose in the process. If she gets a place I have no idea how we'll come up with rent and a house payment. But I'm going to let her bring it up so she can be the dull domestic one.

GC

Amazing how they all say the same things. My WW said that she was not a bad person. My DD replied, "You are sleeping with a married man. You are abandoning your husband and your two daughters. You are breaking up your family and his. What, exactly, WOULD make you a bad person?"

23down: You have a very smart daughter. Cherish her!

WOW! Everytime I think that my situation is unique and I am the only person who could possibly going through this, I read something on here that I could have written.

LOR - Are you sure you don't know my husband? Because you hit the nail right on the head.

Also, why do WS have the illusion that the BS will be alright with just being friends? Is this part of alleviating the guilt and not having to see what they have done. They couldn't be that bad of a person if their BS is willing to be friends with them.

kloe,
We got to the point, admittedly after an 18 month Plan A & nearly 2 years into the bad times where I told my H I wasn't going to be his friend, his lover, his counselor, his comforter. I would be an ex-wife. Really X. Here's the D papers, I'm moving on. Which I really jumped into.

I do think the time element was important for us, because my H knew I had made a huge effort. And, when I quit, I quit.

Along with the ILYBINILWY, I also heard. "I don't want a divorce, but I can't live with you."

I'm sure I don't have to explain it's the same statement. The first part meaning:

-Don't go away, keep hoping.

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amazing how they all say the same things. My WW said that she was not a bad person. My DD replied, "You are sleeping with a married man. You are abandoning your husband and your two daughters. You are breaking up your family and his. What, exactly, WOULD make you a bad person?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love that! I wish someone would hit my xWW right between the eyes with that one.

my xWW also hit me with this one that I don't understand:

xWW: "You will always have a place in my heart because you are the father of my children"

CP: "So you still have feeling for (father of oldest child)

xWW: "No, he's an a$$, I hate him."

CP: ???

and also:

xWW: "I love you like I love (xWW's younger brother)"

So, I will always be "special" to xWW as the father of two of her children, unlike the other guy who only fathered one. Lucky me, I met the "special place in my heart" quota of 2 children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> And I'm the object of sisterly (almost motherly) affection. Introductions in the future might be like:

xWW: "This is my little brother CP, and our 3 lovely daughters."

Would some female poster, wise and kind, explain this state of emotions to me?

Holy Capeevy Dust!

You want explanations? You want sense? You want logic? You even want Real Emotions?

Trying 2 make sense of the ILYBINILWY is like trying 2 make sense of:

"I don't love you, but I'm in love with you."

Or, Spock (2 the beautiful android, number 234523, if I remember correctly): "I love you, but I hate you" (to the identical android, number 4342, if I remember correctly).

"My dog ate my homework." (well, at least that one's translatable!).

Try pondering these mysteries of the universe, instead:

"Do you walk 2 school, or carry your lunch?"

"What's the difference between a duck?"

-ol' 2long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>