BV,

Thanks for noticing me! I used to post a long time ago and didn't get many responses, so I stopped. Now (after about a year) I am back.

You say you are trying to escape your guilt and pain. Well, I am hoping you will allow yourself to feel them, but not too much.

Feel them because - Hooray - you are out of the fog. My WH says he feels no guilt because something that feels so right could not possibly be wrong (but he stopped going to church.) Guilt and pain are useful as motivators to change.

Not too much, because, from 40 days of purpose, remember - It's not about you! No navel-gazing!

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

bgentle...You brought up an excellent point about feeling the pain. The main thing is to feel it, experience it without dwelling on it. We all have the awesome opportunity of learning from it, picking ourselves up and starting over. That is true mercy!!

kas...the more I read of your situation the more I realize we have a lot in common. OM and I both never intended on leaving our spouses. Our A was an "addition" to our marriages not a replacement. What were we thinking??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> That whole thought process is just absolutely insane to think about now. I will tell you that after my A ended the issue of dealing with my feelings was still there but I have realized that I was holding on to a fantasy. A fantasy that made me feel special at the time but that I felt like I sold my soul for.

The guilt part of it would not leave me because I was holding on to it. It's hard to let that go but you will.

Originally posted by Lisa103:
I have realized that I was holding on to a fantasy. A fantasy that made me feel special at the time but that I felt like I sold my soul for.

Dearrrrrrrr Lisssssa

YOU ARE special.

NO fantasy required!

Just be yourself.

Pep

thanks PEP...after hanging out with women like you here on MB I'm actually thinking that I am special these days!! Imagine that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BTW...your lunch is making my mouth water <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Dear Lisa103,

Have just logged on and seen your reply. Have been struggling with guilt and withdrawal so much today I wasn't going to post to MB for a while, but thought I would just reply to you.

but I have realized that I was holding on to a fantasy. A fantasy that made me feel special at the time but that I felt like I sold my soul for.

Yes. This is me through and through. So much so I just want to disappear for good. Even worse because I still have strong feelings for OM and can NEVER imagine being 'normal' and out of fog.

Bye for now everyone.

I will keep reading but don't know when I will post again.

Sorry,

Kas

Broken Vessel,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Even worse because I still have strong feelings for OM and can NEVER imagine being 'normal' and out of fog.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Broken Vessel, just hold on… Believe me, you WILL get there and you WILL feel ‘normal’ again...I promise you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It might take a very long time and might require MUCH patience, but these things will pass too… I struggled with withdrawal and to get over feelings for OM for almost 18 months. Like you, I've also thought I would never feel ‘normal’ again, but when I look back now after all this time, I can’t believe I ever felt as though I would never feel ‘normal’ again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Time and patience heal all wounds and although you might never be exactly the same person you were before the A (your feelings and thoughts about certain things in life and what you have learned from it), you will be able to live a normal & happy life again. God is true to His promises and if that's what you really want, He will help you to get there and will help you get through this!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I can't do anything to change what has happened but I can learn from it and allow Him to use it to bring me to the place that I need to be.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Broken Vessel, this is so true… I have learned that God can also take a bad & negative experience in our lives and let something good and positive came out of it...

I want to share something which was very uplifting & inspiring to me during my own personal recovery. (I have also shared it with a few other members in the past):

~SOMETIMES~
Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson,
or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be
(possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor,
long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger),
but when you lock eyes with them,
you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime…
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season…

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons:
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience,
help to create who you are and who you become.
Even the bad experiences can be learned from.
In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness,
and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.
Without these small tests, whatever they may be,
life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
Life is an unceasing process of change.

Just as the seeds of the poppy fall back to the earth,
only to flourish yet again,
so too, will the proverbial circle of life touch our own existence.
Hardships may indeed befall us,
but the ebb and flow of life energy prods us to survive.

The Bible say: "To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant,
and a time to pluck up that which is planted..."

Whether we are experiencing the death of a loved one,
an ended relationship, or grief for the past,
as incomprehensible as it may seem, life does go on.
Troubling circumstances and heart-wrenching situations
may inwardly tear at our heart and cause us to feel like crumbling,
but let us not forget that even in cemeteries grow flowers, grass and trees. Death, be it in the loss of friend or loved one,
or mourning for a relationship or friendship failed, indeed has its sting,
but as long as Christ promises us hope, life shall not cease.

God's grace is as a healing hand.
As does the sweet scent of the poppy linger in the air, the warm memories and love for those we have lost will remain always safe in our hearts.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way,
they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.
Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high.
Hold your head up because you have every right to.
Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself,
for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.
You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Life is about living, and that is why God offered us His Son, so that we may have eternal life. A life without Christ will rob one of salvation,
but with Him, all things are possible!

Blessings, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 06:45 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

To Broken Vessel, Lisa103, and Pepperband,

You all are very inspirational women!
Broken Vessel, you were one of the first here to inspire me to right in for the first time today.
I am ashamed too to say that I still feel for the OM. I know it is wrong, but I am in the very early stages of withdrawal and feel like I am sinking half the time.

We both never would leave our spouses, just thought we could do both. He thought so more than I. God does not give up on us even if he has to chastise us a little(or a lot as was my case).

BGentle,
Thank you for your mercy as a BS. It is shameful being the WW, and I do like hearing from the other side.

Also, I too have turned to wine. I am being woken up by what you all have said here about it. I do numb out just to function a little better. I am so surprised at how it is so easy to substitute for the pain.

I am so glad I found you guys! Broken Vessel, I am praying for you because I know right where you are.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Feel like the wrong one to reply, but just wish I could give you a hug and have a good cry with you. I hope someone answers. It is so scary to NEED to KNOW if they had any REAl feelings. Do we really want to know? My kids are needing me now, so I must go. But I know I feel on the verge sometimes of allowing complete embarrassment to just know that answer.

I know God has not left us, and I KNOW the enemy wants to draw us in only the slap us when we are down? Do we want that?

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

I really should go, but just don't want to step away yet.

My husband gets so mad because he says he thinks I am so beautiful. He says his friends etc. tell him the same about me. I don't feel it either. It was a big help that I didn't feel good about myself to get involved in the A like i did. No excuses, just true.

Broken Vessel, I will leave you alone and let someone else answer. but know you will always have a friend that understands and wants you to come out on the other side of this as much as I do.

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>