Thanks to everyone who gave their two cents. I currently have two couselors. One IC that I have been seeing the whole time that is great and I just starting seeing a child counselor. I see him again on Wed and he is looking over my schedule.
As for the delivery my H will not be the support. I am having a close friend and my mother be there. I may allow my H to come in at the very end if everything is going well. I will just see how I feel. For some reason I want him to see his son come into the world. Only from the farthest corner that is.
I think I am going to legally get the visitation schedule set if I can and I can adjust it if needed once the baby is here.
This week should be really interesting as my H thinks we are going to sit down and figure it out together without a third party. He is in for a shock and I bet he will retaliate. I am dreading this but must protect myself. I will keep you posted!

Durham - I am further behind in this process and maybe I will change my mind as my due date gets closer but here are my thoughts as a pregnant BS.

This baby is the most important thing in the world to me and the most important thing I will ever do in life. And therefore, I must put the baby's needs ahead of my own needs and hurt. If things don't work out with WH and we do D, I will encourage my WH to spend as much time with the baby as possible. A baby needs two parents and just because H makes a lousy spouse I hope and pray he will make up for it and be a wonderful father. If he wants to come over every night after work and spend time with the baby, great. That is when I will plan on grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, sleeping, showering or working out. As the baby gets older I will encourage him/her to spend the night with WH. The good thing is we are in control of the situation, they are at our mercy. Can you imagine if the situation were reversed and we were sitting here wondering if/when we would be able to see our child? I can't image a judge being sympathetic to a man who had an A and walked out on his pregnant wife.

Just my two cents...

kloe, Don't know what your sitch is, but there's a problem here -- we don't know how much durham's H is going to want to be involved a year down the road. He is making moves in the opposite direction, followed by pronouncements about how he wants to be involved. He's talking the talk, but not walking the walk. What if OW wants to start a family of her own? She can't plan his involvement -- because she doesn't know where his head is at. Plan B is best.

Right now, H is in deep fogtalk. He's talking like the baby is being housed in a tupperware container, and not in durham.

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

durham,

I think everyone reacts differently to babies so it's hard to know what the best course of action is. For what it is worth, I can share my experience. My H was involved in an A throughout my pregnancy and during the time my D was born. I unfortunately did include him in the birth, and within a couple of hours after our D was born, he left the hospital claiming he had to "get the oil changed" in the car. He spent the rest of the day and all night with the OW. That night I stayed up all night crying. It was really terrible, and sadly, that is how I will always remember my D's birth.

I don't know what the best course of action on visitation is either. I tried to make my H spend as much time as possible with the baby (and her 2-year-old brother) after her birth, but I would say on average he only spent a couple of hours a week with them, and it didn't seem to phase him to go an entire week without contact, something that to me, was (and still is) unimaginable. I found out later the OW (with my H) was undergoing fertility treatments when my D was only 4 months old.

Durham,

Having been through an ugly D where the biggest part of the disagreement was custody, I'd say *definitely* get the visitation set down legally. Then stick to it as much as possible.

I agree that in an ideal world the father needs to bond with the child and vice versa. But what if your child bonds to your WH and then he disappears? You're not in an ideal world. You can't count on WH sticking around.

What you DO need to do is get a visitation schedule set and then follow it. Otherwise your WH could call you 30 mins or less before he's supposed to be with your child and say "I can't make it in 30 mins, can I come over in 3 hours?" or he'll call you and say "Can we switch tomorrow's visit to tonight? I can be there in 10 mins" - you won't be able to plan ANYTHING if you don't have some sort of schedule in place.

Remember that your child will need periodic naps, feeding times, etc. Routine is important to infants and small children. Yanking them around is unsettling to them. Yes, they are flexible, but they do better on a schedule.

If WH wants more time then IF you come out of Plan B you could do things together and he could see the baby more often.

Regarding breast feeding - just express the milk and leave it in the fridge if it's time for the baby to eat while WH is visiting.

But take what I'm saying with a grain of salt, and consider my perspective. I didn't stick to the schedule. I tried to play nice, encourage more time between the kids and their Dad, and he yanked me around and then tried to say (in court) that I was keeping him from seeing his children. That's why I think the schedule and sticking to it are so important. You need to protect yourself and your baby.