I'm so sorry that you have to go through this with WW. Talk about heartless. Her comment to you about "saving her from her turmoil" is so typical from what I can see in your posting. She is looking to someone else to save her from her turmoil once again when it should be herself. No one can make her happy--she had to do that for herself. Boy is she disillusioned. And if this does not work will she come back to you??????
It really bothers her about your sister because your sister really knows how to love someone. Why should it bother her what your sister thinks. Does she really think she is a good mother and wife. WW has carried this with her for days now!!! Does she feel guilty--I think so. She knows what she is doing is really low!! I can't believe that she thinks she is being an ok person here!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
You don;t need this. I'm not sure what you should do in this instance--plan A is not my favorite option right now for you. All I see is hurt for all of you as she talks to her OM thinking she is a wonderful, fair, lovable, person. You need to get out of there with your children for today
and just enjoy them for now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My feeling would be to let her be alone and see what it is like. I wouldn't even tell what and where you are going. Would that be a wrong action to take?? I don't know.
You are not a sissy!! You are just burdened with a selfish person trying to make herself happy! Hand in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Family man,

I just joined today due to some problems in my family. I wanted to look around and see what this was all about and I read your posts. I really feel for what you are going through. I feel for men in your situation cause Ive been there and have been quite touched by your story. I would love to make everything fine for you and wave a magic wand to fix it all.

First of all, I must commend you on doing everything you can to help to hold things together. You are really trying to hold on to your values. Your children will appreciate that one day.

Secondly why does having a heart make you a sissy??? I dont see any connection there whatsoever. Love is a complicated emotion and everyone has to struggle with that some time.

Thirdly keep going in the direction that you are going. I can see from your posts that you are so slowly beginning to let go. Maybe you are finding out that you cant change her and you can only change yourself. Thats a brutal friggin thing to learn when it is destroying your life.

This woman has so much to learn herself. I also commend you for your maturity in this situation. You are standing in there taking a barrage of attacks and ABUSE. Its like in baseball when a pitcher is getting completely pummeled. The decision has to be made when it is time to take him out of the game. How much ABUSE can you withstand?? Sticking with your honor and maturity has got to be hard but I know how worthwhile that is.

I am thinking about your situation and if I think of something helpful Ill post again.

Rootin for you
love4family

familyman -

I suggest you get some counseling from the Harley's or Penny (at saveyourmarriage.com). Plan A is a good plan to be in, but you should not dread coming home, or put up with emotional abuse. That is what is happening.

The counseling is expensive, but often it only takes a couple of sessions to get you on the right path. Check it out.

I must say I love Love4Family's response to you. I guess I get so angry at what some people around here are doing to their spouses. I do admire your strength in this situation. I guess I just want you to get some relief even if it is for a day or a few hours. Sounds like believer is making some sense when she tells you to get more help. Being in a "fog" makes sense but I guess I am still in the "take responsibility for your actions" phase of my been/there-done/that life.
My prayers are with you. Try to be happy - Your kids are the reason you have today. They love you and always will. While you are the mostimportant person to think about now - your kids are there right beside you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Familyman,

I too am so sorry for what you have to endure.I have said this before(to an other woman here) that adultery should be punishable by law.It seems that many states have dropped the lawsuits that can be charged for Adultery.I think there is only a few states left where you can still bring about charges but many states have dropped that ability,unfortunately.

I think if we did have laws against Infidelity,it may make people think twice about entering into a relationship with a married person.But,for whatever reason,that is changing and so more and more people are cheating,the statistics rise for Infidelity and divorce and things are only going to get worse from here.It is SO unfair and wrong.

I have to admit,that SAHM's do have an advantage with children when it comes to a divorce.That is my situation and so I am going for full custody(physical) and join(legal)custody.WH will get EOW visitation.He currently lives with his boss 2.5 hours away from home and comes home every weekend right now or almost every weekend unless the homewrecker is calling.

We have no debt,just a big mortgage and I am going for as much as I can.So far though,WH has been very good about not refusing anything monetarily.I have documentation though of his agreement to keep paying for all our expenses.

Anyway,there isn't much you can do but hope that the courts don't allow your WW to move away with the children.I honestly don't now how that could be allowed.I have heard so many stories of judges refusing to let parents move to other towns let alone across the country.I hope that doesn't happen for your sake.It's no joke that D takes it toll on people in more ways than one,financially is a biggie.I guess time will tell how things pan out and then you can see what you should be doing.

There's no easy answer here but we are here to support you.WE know that you are doing the right thing despite all the hardships before you.The court system is far from perfect but I hope that your children's best interests will be taken into account and that means that you need to be with them as much as you can.

O

I really want to thank all of you. You have no idea how much this message board has come to mean to me. Sometimes I think I'm getting more support than I deserve. I haven't been an angel, but I want to keep my family intact, and fix myself too. Lots a unintentional bad habits developed and eroded communications.

Wife told me last night she wants to start the paper work for filing the D. We have our second counseling session today. We are meeting the counselor separately.

I just can't get over the speed this happened at. In less than a two months went from "her" making plans for "our" future, to we "never should have married" and "it's to late," and "it has nothing to do with OM"

That's how they are when they are addicted. They suddenly forget about everything that was important to them, and dwell on their fantasy. It is sad to see.

You can stay with the MB program, and try to stay out of her way. She is headed for a big mistake, but you cannot change her, only you.

FamilyMan;
Here's to you man!! While you are sad and hurt beyond belief you also sound stronger and more focused. That focus is what is going to get you through. Don't leave the boards cause we are all here for you just like Believer said. I'll be praying for your children. They are also going to be needing lots of love from you. I know you are up to that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You are in my prayers. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel. Just you wait and see!

FamilyMan,
Hope all is well with you. Haven't heard from you for a while. Let us know how things are going for you. We are waiting to hear. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I've lost over 25lbs the last 4 weeks, the guys at work are telling me that they're going to have to start putting rocks in my pockets to keep me from blowing away.

I feel empty, weak, unwanted, and totally alone. I have never felt this kind of loneliness and rejection. I yearn for the feeling of a hug, to rub feet under the covers, a hand in mine, a finger tracing across my cheek. I yearn for the touch and love of my wife. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

She is killing me. Each day, a death by a thousand cuts. Peeling away each layer, exposing the most vulnerable core of me as a man. And sneering while she does it.

I have been looking for a new vehicle. I have been driving a beat-up broken down truck for several years. WW has always said get a new one, but I would rather put the money into our family than spend it on a nice vehicle for me. I'm not a martyr, but I don't need a nice car to take me back and forth to work. She always had the nice car. I had money set aside for a down payment on the truck. $4,000. I started looking just before this all started and even up until last week she said "go buy your damn truck." Well today she said she thought she should have half of that down payment money. Said she needs it NOW.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

familyman - Have you seen a doctor about anti-D's yet? I forget. We all felt just like you after D-day. I was like a zombie at work, felt unworthy, rejected, and "couldn't believe it" for months.

Your wife has flipped out. Don't listen to what she says, and protect yourself and your assets. Also I wouldn't look at the online stuff. They are just feeding each other BS.

You will survive this, but are going to have to find someway to protect yourself. No one can take this kind of disrespect day after day.

1familyman, you were concerned about getting on ADs but were planning to see your doctor. I'm telling you, if you haven't started on them you MUST do this. I was hesitant at first, but I don't know where I'd be today without them. There is nothing shameful about being on them. Once they're working you will be able to sleep, eat, and work again. Your blood pressure is probably off the charts right now. Your health is in jeopardy.

And there is nothing shameful about a man crying either, dude. Show strength by being compassionate, courageous, and wise, and by defending your family, not by being stoic and silently sucking everything up.

And please, please, if you have not done so, reach out to anybody at all that you can talk to. This crisis is not something for you to silently suffer through alone. Do not stay silent to protect your wife. Send out a distress call for your own sake.

GC

familyman -

Graycloud is right. You are a good man. Your wife is acting like an addict. You must protect yourself, just as you would if she was using heroin.

Oh, and 1familyman, stop snooping and spying. You're force-feeding yourself information that only tortures you. Cut it out.

GC

I've told some people, close friends I can trust. I'm so embarrassed by the whole thing. I've always bragged to my friends/coworkers about my wife, even if sometimes she didn't deserve it. I was loyal and never wanted anyone to have an ill thought towards her. How do I tell the neighbors and friends that my wife is leaving me, breaking apart our family,for a man she met on the internet. I must be a pathetic excuse for a man.


Believer, it is hard not to believe what she is saying. Even though some of it is so contradictory ... she believes it. My family is finished.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

I've set up a new account and changed my direct deposit. Stopped the automatic contributions to my deferred comp and mutual funds. Also sold some equities to payoff debt. Buying my truck this week. (i hope)

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

1FM,

yours in one of the most wrenching stories I have ever read. Believe it or not, we all know how you feel.

You may not realize it now, but trust me when I say that one day in the not too distant future, you will realize that you are better off without someone like that in your life. Yes, it seems impossible to comprehend because you have no self-worth as she has sucked that out of you. You can't imagine life without her and your kids. You won't lose your kids. She cannot take them away from you.

I was there and I survived. So can you. You are so much stronger than you realize. Know that while you are not perfect, you are not the one who betrayed the children and the marriage. Nothing excuses her behavior. Do not let her warped sense of values sway you.

You view yourself with a distorted mirror.

The laws in this country are horrific with respect to situations like yours. Your WW has nothing to lose. And she knows it. But the most important thing is not the money, though I suspect you realize that. Money can be replaced. 401Ks can be replaced. Your sanity and your children cannot. You need to focus on YOU and being strong for your kids. They need their daddy.

Be strong, friend. You WILL survive this. You know what the path is, now you must walk it.

ITB

Sorry your session didn't go as planned. Maybe not what you wanted to hear but had to make you think. Never said if you and/or WW were going back??

Good to see you are taking steps to protect you and your family. I know that is a hard thing to do. In plan A you try to fix your marriage however' in protecting your family in this circumstance, you do things that would in different appear to be hurting the marriage. But just remember you doing this to "protect" not to "hurt".

You never did say if you gave your WW half of your "truck money"? I hope not. You do know what she is planning to do with it. Your job is to try to "save" not "enable". Once again you are in my prayers.

Geez family man. You are a good man, not pathetic at all. Your wife is the problem. She is deeply in the fog. Do not listen to her.

The anti-D's will really help you. So it will be another 2 weeks, you can make it. There is nothing embarrassing about your sit. Your wife is an addict. This is ALL about her, and NOTHING about you.

Thanks Believer. I find it really hard to take a compliment now though. Don't feel worthy, but not wanting a pity party either.

We are going back to MC next week. The counselor said she would tell WW that she would have to stop contact with OP to continue with sessions. I believe it will be the last one. If we even make it there. WW is still planning trip to be with OM, I think now though it will be after the 4th. The 4th is my favorite holiday and I didn't want her to be gone at that time, but that was two weeks ago. Now I'm almost dreading having her home.

I come here when I feel like I'm losing my grip, which is often. And you wonderful people, even though your own pain, are able to steady my hands, help me get a grip, and keep my eye focused on what is right.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>