I am feeling hopeless.

I am coming off the roller coaster of on again/off again NC.

My WW PA started with her personal trainer while I was deployed.

She confessed after my arrival and said it was over. It wasn't.

She continued it for 3 months after I was home, all the time I trusted her. This was confessed to me tonight.

I pray she is really NC now. But have little hope. Lots of faith though and believe I will be happy regardless of what happens with me and her, but I want it to be with her.

I have been as kind and trusting as I know how to be, not perfect, but giving it my absolute best.

The revelation tonight didn't phase me really, once I found out it continued after I came home (learned it a few weeks ago) I just became numb to the fact that it happened even more times. It's like shooting a dead horse, it's already dead, right?

What HURTS SOOO BAD is her emotional state. I am the man, her spiritual covering, and I am trying to be the godly husband.

She started training in gyms while I was overseas and I was excited for her to be doing something for herself. She hadn't done much of that in our marriage, stay-at-home-mom (by mutual choice).

She let her guard down and I have forgiven her (over and over again, it would seem).

Her news tonight made me skittish about the gyms and I suggested, or maybe told, I can't remember my tone exactly, but was not yelling at her. I have been gentle (praise God for your posts and this site, it has really helped me with the understanding that she has a loss).

But to her, the suggestion that she give up the gym was intolerable. (When she was being dishonest about the NC, she would meet the OM at a gym). I am guessing she hasn't been physical with him for 2 or 3 weeks.

She finally seems repentant and we are in MC together. She is going to a different gym. I understand that she has a loss with this lover and should experience some pain, but I am skittish about it. She is my princess. We have never been with anyone else but each other.

I hurt because she took something from me. I hurt because she says she loves me but is not passionate towards me and I don't feel that way about her. I hurt because I feel like I have sacrificed sacrificed sacrificed to support her in this and giving up the gym life (important to her) seems to be a higher priority for her than extending mercy? (I don't really know what she is feeling or if that's the right word, I can't seem to type or say what I am feeling anymore). I can't understand why she can't SHOW me SOMETHING to make me feel that there is a chance. I am not expecting her to be super-wife, just understand that I hurt too. Just stop and think that under the circumstances, the things she does hurts more.

I have read and read about the withdrawl phase for the WS and pray that it is so. I am afraid that you all are some cruel joke, and it won't get better. Or it won't work for me. I had to leave tonight and go to the office. Couldn't sleep.

Why can't she see what she does to me? Why can't she just give up the gym until I feel a little more secure? Why would she be so angry that I would ask her? I am trying to move - to find another job and get her and my family away, but I don't have a magic wand.

I can't tell my friends, for I don't want to dishonor her reputation unnecessarily. I can't tell my family because it would be too much baggage when we work it out. I can't tell my sons because I try to teach them to be respectful to their mother. I have our marriage counselor and you. I just want to be held so I can cry. I hate being weak and I hate making mistakes. I just can't seem to do the right thing for her.

I don't know when I can go back home. I don't feel any love at home and I needed it sooo much. I missed her sooo much when I was away.

I am on medication for something I picked up overseas and I can't even get drunk because of that. I can just sit and hurt and try not to let her see because I am supposed to be strong.

Before I came back, God gave me a prophetic dream about the affair. It was very vivid. She had a tumor in her head that was causing her to behave badly in the dream. God was telling me it was not her fault. God told me in this dream I was to support her no matter what. I had a fever at the time from what I picked up. It sucks being really sick and scared far from decent hospitals. The whole episode weirded me out and I came home and BAM. My heart was ripped away.

I don't like rollercoasters anymore. Used to love them. I want something I can count on. My whole marriage, when a bad thing happened to me, I could bear it. I have had friends gunned down in front of me. I have stared in the eyes of a boy pointing a gun at me who was the same age as my son and had to ask myself if I could bring myself to shoot him. I have been downsized from a job and had to scrape by to support my family. And I always said it doesn't matter what the world throws my way because there is a beautiful, sweet woman who loves me no matter what. I could draw strength from that and now it is gone.

She said he made her feel special. Made her feel beautiful. Made her feel that someone could like her. I told her that I have done those things for years. She said it didn't matter. I was only her husband. I am not a flashy, MTV, model type guy. Her OM was and his opinion mattered more.

And he used her for his pleasure. And she felt bad and went on and off again with him. And he decided she had too much emotional baggage and he cut her loose. Now she feels like trash. And I tell her I love her and mean it. And I do anything she asks. And I try my best not to hold it against her, but it's hard sometimes. In my heart I don't, but when she yells at me and curses at me because I don't understand what she is going through and sit there and listen and try to support her while she twists away at this knife in my heart, it hurts.

You women need to listen to me. You need to understand. That other man may make you feel special, he may make you feel loved, but HE DOESN'T. Men are pigs towards women, towards all but ONE and if you are the other woman, YOU ARE NOT IT. There is a man who may make mistakes and may not be the most handsome man. He may have put on some weight while he worked his [censored] off providing for you. He may get tired and sometimes forget the passion of your youth. He may take you for granted sometimes. But he LOVES you. He thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world even though YOU have put on weight working your [censored] off for your family. YOU are the reason he can bear the world. And if he isn't meeting your needs and you don't tell him with LOVE, shame on you. We are not that tuned to reading your emotions. That is what drives us nuts about you. That's what makes us love you all the more. That is why we don't get tired of you. If some other guy comes along and makes your heart beat, he is going to use you and cast you aside. What kind of man could he be if he is going behind HIS wife's back?

My sun has gone out. The center of my universe is gone. The thing I thought would be there shining on my face every day is now cold and distant. Thank God for God. I try and feel his shoulder to cry on, but I can't tonight. I just sit and wonder what I did wrong. I sit afraid because it already feels like I did the best I could and I couldn't have because why did this happen. I sometimes feel really stupid for trying. It would be easy to just quit. But I can't do anything else. I love her too much. Without my precious sun, I will die.

nc...I am so sorry for your pain. I can feel it with the way you express yourself. I am a FWW and let me tell you, your dream was a profound revelation about your wife. It's as if she does have a brain tumor right now because when you are in grip of the A you are insane. I was beyond selfish!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I would lie to co-workers, my h and my kids without blinking an eye. Give it time nc... she is still somewhat in fog land and it takes time. If she is anything like I was it hasn't really hit her yet what she has done, to you and herself. Continue to pray for her and let God deal with her. You aren't capable of knowing what she's thinking or feeling but God knows and God is able. And while you're praying for her let God mend your heart. It takes time NC but it will be worth it. You will have good days and bad days rest assured but keep posting here because I can tell you this forum has been a Godsend to me.

NCWalker...

What a beautifully written post...

Make a copy (make 2)

and leave one out where your W might chance upon it.

leave it out in the open ... because "out in the open" is who YOU are
how YOU choose to live YOUR life....

live out in the open, in the light...

time will bring you back home

Your wife is married to a sincere, sensitive warrior .... and that is someone special.

THANK YOU for being a freedom fighter and for supporting your marriage during the darkest of times.

There is no "medal for marriage valor" or "purple heart for wounded in love" ....

BUT

if there were such things...

I'd pin them on your shirt!!!

Pep

Originally posted by Lisa103:
No one is worthy and the great thing is that He loves us anyway and just wants to comfort us. Why do we resist?

Yes.... why do you resist Lisa?

You gain something by resistance. Do you recognize what that gain is?

I know how I would answer ... but I'd rather hear from YOU.

Pep

pep...wow, I have to update you on my progress. I have raved about this book on several threads here called "Freedom from the Ties that Bind". I am experiencing freedom for the first time in my life!!! I no longer resist that forgiveness that I sought after for so long. I'm no longer holding on to the fantasy of the A and what I thought it gave me. While reading this book I must say that it was an eye-opening experience to me. I have held on to a lot of "crap" for a long time for lack of a better word!

Yes, I came from a dysfunctional family and I still have the scars there to remind me but I have played the victim for too long. Everything that has happened in my life up to this point has made me who I am, even my A. I don't think that I would have ever done the soul-searching that I have done without being brought to my knees! I have the choice of whether to pick myself up and move on or to dwell in the past. I choose to move on. I have wasted enough of my life on the "what ifs" and haven't really lived in a long time. I feel like I'm actually living again.

I don't mean to thread jack here but I have to tell you, as you well know, that if I can get to this point anyone can. You have been here Pep and have read my posts and know how down I once was. I thank God for opening my eyes to so many things about myself. Some of it has been painful to admit, especially about the part of wanting to place blame on my childhood, parents, OM, anything but myself. I've held on to the victim thing for way too long.

It's time to live and to try to help others with what God has given me through these experiences.

Yes, to answer the original question I feel completely hopeless and worthless to the point I basically have not stopped crying for the past week. I have totally messed this up and I dont feel like I can go on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong> Yes, to answer the original question I feel completely hopeless and worthless to the point I basically have not stopped crying for the past week. I have totally messed this up and I dont feel like I can go on. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Every tear carries part of your pain away from your heart.

crying is good

I've cried a lot myself lately

I might be crazy if I could not cry...

Pep

Pep,

Thanks...I know that but the pain doesnt seem to ever diminish <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I just dont know what to do right now or who to turn to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong> Pep,

Thanks...I know that but the pain doesnt seem to ever diminish <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I just dont know what to do right now or who to turn to. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know it will diminish ... based on your past life experiences.

As I do ... I am grieving over my Mom... I know the pain will never go away (and I have shared with my Dad)

but I know it won't be knocking on my consciousness 24/7 after awhile.

relax Lisa... time patience and faith will float your serenity..


say the serenity prayer when you feel too overwhelmed with your grieving process.

that's what I've been doing lately ... and sometimes I pray the prayer over and over until my internal screaming is silenced.

pep

Pep,

Thank you. I know you are grieving and my prayers go out to you and your family.

I have been here for over a year and have been living this nightmare with my WH for over 16months. Everyone here including yourself have posted to me and I knew what I had to do but could not do it for various reasons.

So now I am kinda afraid to post..I guess like "crying wolf". I desperatley need help.

Lisa, you sound exactly like me years ago.

Pep probably feels like it is the same person, just a different name.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't mean to thread jack here but I have to tell you, as you well know, that if I can get to this point anyone can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just wait...it gets better and better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Susan,

I dont mean to hi-jack this thread either.

But I just dont know what to do. I feel as though I have lost everything and I do mean everything.

I am sorry but I dont know much about you or your story as you probaly dont about me.

I'm sorry Lisa. It got confusing because of two Lisa's on this thread. My comment was to the other Lisa.

And I'm sorry for your pain.

You haven't lost everything....it just feels like it.

Praying for you...
Susan

Lisa0705, you're not alone. You have been in your situation much longer than I've been in mine, and you've made it this far. Sorry; that's the best I can do today.

I am definitely in the hopeless and worthless column. Since meeting OM's wife Friday night I have gone to a new, darker place than I was in before, and I can't seem to get out. That wave that briefly passed over me when the sparrow said she wants to split has become a fixed sensation. Last night as I waited for sleep I repeated the serenity prayer, over and over, dozens of times, waiting for it to work. I cannot find a way to stop this pain. It just seems to get worse and worse. I know this will pass, but right now I can't shake it loose. I feel paralyzed but filled with sensation.

GC

In reply to the thread question YES thats exactly what I feel - hopeless and worthless.

Hopeless about my marriage.

Worthless? Not a bit!

Yeah about every 5 days or so, especially since I stopped taking the AD's..........reality in the shape of 3 happy kids surely help me to know I must be doing SOMETHING right!!

Hopeless? Not since I started reading SH's books and visiting this site. But worthless? H tries in every way to make me feel worthless, ugly, stupid, fat, you name it. Every day I have to start over building my self esteem. I think when he steps out of his spacesuit that protects him (someday, not yet) I will be able to discuss with him the negative **** he has been throwing at me for a year or two. Last night I LB'd big time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So self esteem is really low today )I may have emptied my account that I've been working all summer to build up. Oh, well. Hopeless? No I still have hope.

oops. double post. sorry

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: starz ]</small>