Run,
I'm a malke BS. At times I was the Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde characters.

Your chugging along things feel a bit more stable and something small happens. Possibly not even related to the affair and WHAM, Mr Hyde is up to his old tricks.

I think the small thing that's upsetting triggers the self doubt and self loathing that the BS feels. And as JL said they take the form of anger, especially in men (but women,too.

cwmac

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Dear Worthatry,

I knew you would say that advive would go 'double for me'!!!.. You told me not to make any excuses so I won't say anything!!

Kas

ps thanks for posting again to me though

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken Vessell:
<strong>You told me not to make any excuses so I won't say anything!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, you admit they're only excuses? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Someday you will look back on this and admit to yourself, "WAT was right. I should have done it immediately."

You won't have to tell me this. I already know.

WAT

Okay, I am TERRIFIED. I know what you are saying about the NC letter to OM and OM's W is correct.

1. OM's being nearby all the time and knowing some of the same people is upsetting.
2. He is much more of a strong personality than I am and HE knows it.(even if he would not do harm unless threatened.) He will be extremely proactive in fighting the validity of the truth of the A.
3. My kids will be going to the same school next year. One of mine will probably be in the same class as one of theirs. Selfishly, I am truly afraid of being made out to be some crazy other woman when he actively sought me out. HELP!

I know it is right, just needed to tell my fears. Any way to help let OM's wife have confidence this is the truth? She is definitely demure and probably manipulated to "gently" stay in her place. He trains women and I don't think she feels the right to ask ANY questions... as I have gotten to know him better. I really do want to do the right thing... finally. I do care about her future(wish I had thought more about that before.) He has all the freedom in the world, and he has all her trust. It is all a setup for him to continue as long as he wishes. If he gets caught, I believe he has potential to be a good husband. Ugh. That hurts to say. He just might need to have a really good wake up call.

OOOOOOOps. That last post was put in under my husband's name and not mine. Sorry! He is hurting and we are both here together. That last post was from the WW herself.

Runaway

MM is a CREEP

stop protecting him.

True. He is a creep. Why does everyone else think he is so great? No one sees this, except probably the ones he has been with like me. I truly believe he has the power to get away with it and am afraid of being totally SQUASHED if I try to reveal it. Sounds weird, huh?

Pepperband,
I have read some of the other threads. You are not only wise, but funny. A little twisted sense of humor goes a long way. I haven't smiled this much in weeks.

runaway -

Hang in there girl, you are doing the right thing. Yep, your husband will be very angry, but it is quite obvious that he loves and adores you.

You can get thru this. Just keep posting here. That is really what saved me. I just kept reading and posting, reading and posting.

Then when I thought about doing things, or not doing things, I would post here. People here will help you out.

Thank you Believer. I just hope you can forgive me when I have to be honest about struggling. I am tired of the lies and I know the lies never did anything but cause much more pain for my H and myself. It is really hard when I was always the one that took so much pride in taking the "high road" and could never imagine doing something like being the OW. God sure has humbled me. My H is wonderful. I just shrink at his anger right now. Gotta get some guts all the way around I guess.

Sweetie -

You need to read more here. ALL WS's struggle. That is just the way it is. They have had the fantasy and it is extremely hard to give it up. This may be the stuggle of your life.

I didn't use to post to WS's. It took me a long time. But since I have, I realize that they are hurting as much as the BS's.

You have been getting your EN's met by the OM. That is very hard to give up. You are a good person and deserve to have your needs met.

Hopefully that will come. It is miserable at first, but many have gone on to have a much better marriage. When this is over, you can look back and say that your marriage has overcome the biggest problem.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by runawaypot:
<strong> He is much more of a strong personality than I am and HE knows it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and he may think it, but you both would be wrong.

You are stronger because you know what to do to be right. In a way, you are the most powerful woman in his world. All you have to do is spill the beans, and do it with the backing of the truth.

Yes, he will poo poo the truth and, perhaps in the near term, convince his wife of his false truth. But the truth will be out there and you will be right. You will have done your duty. Sooner or later, his wife will realize it.

Please don't protect him any longer.

WAT

RAP,

I know you read your H's last thread. Do you see his issues? Do you know how much he is second guessing himself for trusting you, and how he feels you don't see why he is so worried??

Ok, if you are starting to see this, then go read about "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. You have a wonderful opportunity to use the POJA to reach solutions that will be win-win for you. You want to walk but he fears it is to meet OM. Good thinking on his part NC has only existed for what 3 days??? So how do you solve this issue? You could talk him with you, you both could go and take children with you, but keep within site, so that you have your privacy. There are ways to do this.

You need to understand his anger is "fear" and "pain" driven. Address the fear and the pain, and the anger will go away. Further you feel bad about what you have done, you are struggling to maintain some selfesteem right? Well, he has NO self-esteem. If you can help him rebuild his, you will find yours will come back and he will help.

As for the OM, quit focusing on him. Send the darned NC letter with your H and be done with it. Don't worry what he may or may NOT do. It is too late to worry about kids in the same school, all of this has already been messed up, worrying about it NOW is not going to help you, your H, or OM's family.

Have your H call OM's W and tell her that you have confessed to your H, and he knows all of the details: Her H has had an affair with you. Then leave it alone. The contact should be via your H.

Later, much later, if you feel the need to apologize, then do so, but first things first. Get through withdrawal, and that is best done by talking to your H about your feelings. This will hurt him alot, but that is what he will have to do. However, he will be able to stand the pain better if he knows you are starting to consider things from his point of view, and you are using the POJA. IF you express you want to do something, but you know it will bother him, and then ask for input as to how you can accomplish what you want WHILE protecting him, I think you will get a much better response.

RAP, your number one job is to protect your H, and you do it with honesty, and consideration of him. YOu don't protect him by withholding information or even feelings. I know it seems odd. It seems you will be hurting him more, but you are not. The lies of omission, and even protection will hurt him more in the long run. If you are honest you will be surprised at how strong he really is. He can handle the truth, and he will work with you,he has stated as much. Show him you trust him to do this, by doing it.

In someways this stuff is very very hard, but it is also very very easy, Do the right thing, be honest, and be protective of him. It really is that simple.

Sometime I will tell you my story about the differce between simple and easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You will understand. Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

I used to have a personal trainer and he knew at the time I was going thru a very bad divorce. He also asked me out for a margarita. I said no.

Your trainer is much more of a creep b/c this other guy was at least single...but what both had in common was that WE WERE VULERNABLE at that time.

Your h was overseas. You were trying to improve yourself and maybe had self esteem issues at hand. Your progress and achieving those goals made you feel VALIDATED as a woman. Feel special and pretty. And trust me, sometimes us moms especially those holding down the fort alone feel very un-pretty.

And I agree w/other posters here who say that he's done this before...working hard honing his skill at bedding women. And it's as though he's mocking you by driving by and waving. That makes me ill.

Use the rubber band trick I used to use on myself. It helped when I would remember the fleeting good times I had with x (although bad times outnumbered them 10 to 1 at the end) and I'd get weak and call him.

I would say aloud something dastardly he did to me and then snap the hairband really hard on my wrist...Kinda a negative association thing. Like you associate "pain" with the source.

You can do NC. You've had good suggestions at that.

And trust me, I know what it's like to be vulernable. I dated a few guys since being divorced and they really know that divorced women and single moms are always short in the praise/EN department. It's like there's this sign on my forehead reading "tell me something good about myself ok?" You were alone, you had lost that integral part of your life temporarily b/c he was overseas. As a mom many times we don't feel very attractive.

My other suggestion is to work on ways the both of you, to regain that feeling. And for you it must come first from within. Like PB said, your esteem comes from YOU not from somebody else. Your self worth comes from within ok?

So what worked for me? Taking daily bubble baths. Reading "life strategies" by Dr. Phil and doing the workbook. Going to the area greenbelt and jogging. Getting a manicure or pedicure. Making ME feel good about ME again. Once I learned to like me again, the need for reassurance from others, like my x for instance, fell by the wayside.

Prayer helps too. And your H can learn thru reading HnHn. Great book. Will help you really reconnect.

After I did this internal overhaul everything in my life improved almost instantly. My friendships became stronger, I was energized and renewed as a mom, my job performance even improved and I got a new and better job. And as a result...as a single woman and dating, I was able to weed thru the predators out there.

You can do this. And to the other WS out here, find yourself again.

BTW..the OM connected to you physically and said the little buzz phrases you emotionally craved just to get you in the sack. That's why they can just disconnect from you so quickly and remove their emotions. To a predator, it's a game. Much like hunting. They lay the trap and set the bait for the deer. They wait and wait until the deer (although shy can run fast) feels COMFORTABLE and when they are allowed enough time with that deer right where they want it...bam!

Don't be an 8 point on their trophy wall ok?

I used to have a personal trainer and he knew at the time I was going thru a very bad divorce. He also asked me out for a margarita. I said no.

Your trainer is much more of a creep b/c this other guy was at least single...but what both had in common was that WE WERE VULERNABLE at that time.

Your h was overseas. You were trying to improve yourself and maybe had self esteem issues at hand. Your progress and achieving those goals made you feel VALIDATED as a woman. Feel special and pretty. And trust me, sometimes us moms especially those holding down the fort alone feel very un-pretty.

And I agree w/other posters here who say that he's done this before...working hard honing his skill at bedding women. And it's as though he's mocking you by driving by and waving. That makes me ill.

Use the rubber band trick I used to use on myself. It helped when I would remember the fleeting good times I had with x (although bad times outnumbered them 10 to 1 at the end) and I'd get weak and call him.

I would say aloud something dastardly he did to me and then snap the hairband really hard on my wrist...Kinda a negative association thing. Like you associate "pain" with the source.

You can do NC. You've had good suggestions at that.

And trust me, I know what it's like to be vulernable. I dated a few guys since being divorced and they really know that divorced women and single moms are always short in the praise/EN department. It's like there's this sign on my forehead reading "tell me something good about myself ok?" You were alone, you had lost that integral part of your life temporarily b/c he was overseas. As a mom many times we don't feel very attractive.

My other suggestion is to work on ways the both of you, to regain that feeling. And for you it must come first from within. Like PB said, your esteem comes from YOU not from somebody else. Your self worth comes from within ok?

So what worked for me? Taking daily bubble baths. Reading "life strategies" by Dr. Phil and doing the workbook. Going to the area greenbelt and jogging. Getting a manicure or pedicure. Making ME feel good about ME again. Once I learned to like me again, the need for reassurance from others, like my x for instance, fell by the wayside.

Prayer helps too. And your H can learn thru reading HnHn. Great book. Will help you really reconnect.

After I did this internal overhaul everything in my life improved almost instantly. My friendships became stronger, I was energized and renewed as a mom, my job performance even improved and I got a new and better job. And as a result...as a single woman and dating, I was able to weed thru the predators out there.

You can do this. And to the other WS out here, find yourself again.

BTW..the OM connected to you physically and said the little buzz phrases you emotionally craved just to get you in the sack. That's why they can just disconnect from you so quickly and remove their emotions. To a predator, it's a game. Much like hunting. They lay the trap and set the bait for the deer. They wait and wait until the deer (although shy can run fast) feels COMFORTABLE and when they are allowed enough time with that deer right where they want it...bam!

Don't be an 8 point on their trophy wall ok?

I used to have a personal trainer and he knew at the time I was going thru a very bad divorce. He also asked me out for a margarita. I said no.

Your trainer is much more of a creep b/c this other guy was at least single...but what both had in common was that WE WERE VULERNABLE at that time.

Your h was overseas. You were trying to improve yourself and maybe had self esteem issues at hand. Your progress and achieving those goals made you feel VALIDATED as a woman. Feel special and pretty. And trust me, sometimes us moms especially those holding down the fort alone feel very un-pretty.

And I agree w/other posters here who say that he's done this before...working hard honing his skill at bedding women. And it's as though he's mocking you by driving by and waving. That makes me ill.

Use the rubber band trick I used to use on myself. It helped when I would remember the fleeting good times I had with x (although bad times outnumbered them 10 to 1 at the end) and I'd get weak and call him.

I would say aloud something dastardly he did to me and then snap the hairband really hard on my wrist...Kinda a negative association thing. Like you associate "pain" with the source.

You can do NC. You've had good suggestions at that.

And trust me, I know what it's like to be vulernable. I dated a few guys since being divorced and they really know that divorced women and single moms are always short in the praise/EN department. It's like there's this sign on my forehead reading "tell me something good about myself ok?" You were alone, you had lost that integral part of your life temporarily b/c he was overseas. As a mom many times we don't feel very attractive.

My other suggestion is to work on ways the both of you, to regain that feeling. And for you it must come first from within. Like PB said, your esteem comes from YOU not from somebody else. Your self worth comes from within ok?

So what worked for me? Taking daily bubble baths. Reading "life strategies" by Dr. Phil and doing the workbook. Going to the area greenbelt and jogging. Getting a manicure or pedicure. Making ME feel good about ME again. Once I learned to like me again, the need for reassurance from others, like my x for instance, fell by the wayside.

Prayer helps too. And your H can learn thru reading HnHn. Great book. Will help you really reconnect.

After I did this internal overhaul everything in my life improved almost instantly. My friendships became stronger, I was energized and renewed as a mom, my job performance even improved and I got a new and better job. And as a result...as a single woman and dating, I was able to weed thru the predators out there.

You can do this. And to the other WS out here, find yourself again.

BTW..the OM connected to you physically and said the little buzz phrases you emotionally craved just to get you in the sack. That's why they can just disconnect from you so quickly and remove their emotions. To a predator, it's a game. Much like hunting. They lay the trap and set the bait for the deer. They wait and wait until the deer (although shy can run fast) feels COMFORTABLE and when they are allowed enough time with that deer right where they want it...bam!

Don't be an 8 point on their trophy wall ok?

Thank you for all of your responses. It is a great help. I am going to go back and read all your posts again, and try to apply some of your suggestions. It is good to see so many successful BS and WS out there. Special thanks to the BSs who have not just jumped across the internet and slapped me silly. Where were you when I was that stupid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> deer? That was exactly it! How do these guys have the ability to be so darn purposeful, but seem like such normal, nice people until then? Blessings and keep helping my H because I am not completely there for him yet. I am going to try to get there fast.

OOOOOps. Did it again. Wrote in as my H. Sorry.

JL and others out there,
I would love to hear your stories unless it is not something you wish to tell again. It helps. Somehow the more I talk here at MB, the more the A cannot be kept in the dark anymore. That was easier for me than I wish to admit. I don't want to hurt M or H like that again.

" Even though the OM wanted me to get friendly with his wife. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(originally posted by Runnawaypot)

This was same with me. I worked for OM and was close to his wife (before to my shame of whatI did to her), and his older children and grandchildren (they used to come and play with mine).

OM was 14 years older than me. He used to say 'thanks for whatyou are doing for my family.. I really appreciate it and it means so much'..

He never felt 'awkward' about itsomehow. (He wasn't close to my H or family the same but my kids thought a lot of him)..

I wonder now if he WANTED me to be close to his family in order to get such a strong bond that I WOULDN'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE ESP wife and grandkids by letting the truth out..

If so, then he WON..

Worthatry, I know you are right.. I wish he had told his W in the beginning. However, you will never believe me or accept the reasons as to why i am unable to do that myself.

I was only joking when I said I wouldn't make excuses.

There are no excuses and yes it will be on my heart and it 'beats me up' daily.

OM has been 'under discipline' and has to move away from area and not carry on with his current job any more.

Would telling his wife (who would almost certainly re-act in a particular way thus setting off a HUGE chain of events) be WISE atthis time??

Would hurting MANY INOCENT people (outside family plus from the past) be the right thing to do?

Should the innocent suffer for the guilty.

I will say at this time there is a possibility of (other things in the past)with OM that W knew about herself yet chose not to reveal truth about in order to protect her family, husband and job)

You may all tell me 'truth should be OUTED' but I maintain that there ARE some things that you HAVE TO PRAY ABOUT to proceed wisely in a situation.

It hurts me too but am I to be seen as the GUILTY ONE not just for my part, but for HIS part too?

Ok,I guess I will either get loads of replies back really blasting me now..

I am gloating in what I did. I am on the verge of tremendous sadness and depression trying to pull me into a pit.

You see, my OM was a 'man of the cloth'...

There now you all have it.

I guess I will have to leave MB's now. None of you in your situation of WW's even would have done this..

I have revealed all

I have nothing left

Broken Vessell is now falling apart

Guess this is bye to you all now