PS I POSTED WRONG I POSTED WRONG.....

MEANT TO SAY I AM NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT GLOATING IN THIS.

FORGOT TO PUT THE IMPORTANT WORD IN...NOT GLOATING

WAS HORRIFIED TO READ MY POST AFTER I HAD POSTED IT AND SAW HAD PUT GLOATED INSTEAD OF NOT GLOATED.


PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE SEEN THIS AMENDMENT, I AM MORTIFIED I POSTED WRONG..

kAS

Ok here's my 2cents worth.

You know me, guys, I can never shut up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NC is everything.

Tell the OM's w. My H did with my blessing. It shut that door once and for all. I was wavering on contacting OM, I was unsure what I felt. Once his w knew I knew that was the end of everything.

OM's are creeps. They are ratmeat (and that's borrowed from a long time poster on here).

Focus on your H. Not the OM. We had a mantra on here "he is not your concern". OMG, that helped me through some dark days.

The only thing that really works is NC, NC, NC, NC. Doesn't it JL? BTW JL is neither BS nor WS, he's just one cool guy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> When I saw OM by accident, and not to speak to, a couple of weeks ago it shot H and I right back to D-Day.

Does that make any sense at all?

Jenny

Vessell - for what it's worth, I assumed you meant NOT gloating when I read your post.

OM being a "man of the cloth" only makes it more important that he be exposed. He's not the first and won't be the last hypocrit in a robe.

I assume some exposure has occurred, which generated him being relocated. To another church so he can do this again?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken Vessell:
<strong>Would telling his wife (who would almost certainly re-act in a particular way thus setting off a HUGE chain of events) be WISE atthis time??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If not now, when? Of course she's gonna react in SOME way. She's been betrayed. Until she knows, she's STILL being betrayed. What kind of organization is this? Her husband gets relocated and she doesn't know why?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would hurting MANY INOCENT people (outside family plus from the past) be the right thing to do?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They've already been hurt - they just don't know it. They're being betrayed as well. They're being lied to.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should the innocent suffer for the guilty.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, they're being betrayed. They will suffer as long as this continues. They should have their opportunity to see the truth and make their own decisions on how to see things. Denying them the truth denies them fundamental rights.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It hurts me too but am I to be seen as the GUILTY ONE not just for my part, but for HIS part too?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely not! You are not guilty for his part nor should you carry this load! That's my whole point here! He is being protected and his wife is being kept under a veil.

The truth will set you free.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken Vessell:
<strong>

Would telling his wife (who would almost certainly re-act in a particular way thus setting off a HUGE chain of events) be WISE atthis time??

Would hurting MANY INOCENT people (outside family plus from the past) be the right thing to do?

Should the innocent suffer for the guilty.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">huh? What kind of rationalization is this? She has already been HURT, and continues to be hurt; she just doesn't know because no one has had the decency to tell her. It's not the truth that has hurt her, but the ADULTERY. Therefore the pastor man gets to continue to prey on other parishioners and the evil continues. Thanks for protecting him!

I suppose if you knew of a woman whose bookkeeper was embezzling money from her that you would also not tell her because you "wouldn't want to hurt her?"

Don't you see how twisted that logic is? It is not the truth that HURTS, but the ADULTERY. It's the EMBEZZLEMENT.

This woman has a RIGHT to know what is going on in her life and you are withholding the truth from her. That is very cruel, cowardly and heartless.

And WAT is right, his being a pastor makes it MORE imperative that you tell his wife. He is accountable to much much more than his wife.

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 06:53 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Runaway -

Do not get down on yourself. It took a great deal of integrity for you to come here. Do not sell yourself short. You are a good person that made a mistake. Your life isn't judged on one wrong decision. You can change all of your negative feelings about yourself if you look inside yourself and see what you can do to make those changes. Start today.

Make a list of the characteristics you admire the most in people and decide how you can turn yourself into someone others can look up to.

BrokenVessel - honey, this is hardly the first that this situation has come up. I know it make it seem more vulgar and shocking - but even though he's a man of the cloth, he's also a man of the flesh. He has to make his own pennence with God. His wife needs to be able to make her choices. In order for YOU to make your peace - you need to tell her! This is NOT your secret to keep. Keeping it is selfish and will only pull you down further. You believe in God - don't you also believe that he would want you to do the right thing? I know you aren't doing it to protect yourself - you're trying to protect others. But by keeping the secret you are only protecting the OM. Other people are not protected by lies - they are protected when they know the truth and can see the situation clearly.

broken vessel -

Remain at marraige builders and keep posting. That is why we are all at this site, to build our marriages. And it is very good to hear from women that are trying to get through being the WW. The MB program is for everyone.

runaway -

Hope you are doing okay today. You keep posting too. Reading everything here and posting your feelings is the answer.

I have been posting here since September, and somehow it helps. I'm almost fully recovered (with a few slips along the way), and WH is still gone.

I deserve all you have said to me...

It is best I don't post any more.

I shouldn't have come here and confessed.

The first thing I did when I broke off contact was to tell 'higher authority' and submitted myself at the time to discipline.

I withdrew from all things in church.

Therefore the pastor man gets to continue to prey on other parishioners and the evil continues. Thanks for protecting him!

If I had wanted to 'protect him' I would NEVER have told my H, accountability friend, or submitted the situation and myself for discipline. I could have just broken off contact without telling anyone.

What kind of organization is this? Her husband gets relocated and she doesn't know why?

He HASN'T BEEN RELOCATED. He is finished and is moving away from area. (They were retiring and looking to move before this). I have no idea what he has told his wife...

This woman has a RIGHT to know what is going on in her life and you are withholding the truth from her. That is very cruel, cowardly and heartless.

I knew this is how I would perceived and that the 'tone' of posts to me would now change. It took a lot to tell all of you. I am now FWW 'with a difference' aren't I?

There is no forgiveness for me or encouragement in 'moving on'. Yes it is my fault for responding to OM. I make no excuses. I am done.

I have been in contact with 'higher authority' who said he has been disciplined. He won't be working in this situation again.

I never knew his wife hadn't been told. I have had NC for 3 months.

I tried never to judge any of you, because:

"Let him who hasn't sinned, cast the first stone" as Jesus said to the woman caught in adultary

How can I cast a stone at anyone else? I always knew my situation was far more serious.

I won't be posting again,

Kas

"I won't be posting again,

Kas "

Pride goeth before a fall. Your pridefulness is screaming in your ear ---> "Big-bad meanies at MB just don't understand my unique situation."

Running off is certainly easier than staying and defending your position. Isn't that how you left your marriage in an affair? You ran off and avoided conflict?

Patterns appear here on MB.

Adultery is an act of conflict avoidence. So is "I won't be posting again."

Patterns that have gotten you into trouble in the past are worth your attention.

You are having a good old-fashioned pout. I have no problem with that. You are only hurting yourself when you run away from conflict.

I wonder why you could not do one of these other options :

1. Stay and defend your position using your principles and your logic.

or

2. Leave the boards without a dramatic exit line.

or

3. Use your sense of humor to help you handle your embarrassment and your fears.

Pep

Broken Vessel,
I just read your posts and I wish I knew what to say. I am in no way as eloquent or helpful right now as all the others at MB, but you have jumped out and into my heart since your first post. Maybe because I see (honestly) the self-pity you and I both easily share. That is not to put you down. I just recognize it because it is so easy for me to do.

You have been and are going through a lot. Listen to these posts. A lot of them are overwhelming to me now, but I am holding on to their truth for dear life. "Entreat me Lord not to leave you" as MuchAfraid says in HINDS FEET ON HIGH PLACES.

Stay and work out how you feel. IMHO a man of the cloth is not much different than any other man. I know has been given much authority, but, as far as you go, the A is no different than any other. We all (WSs) chose to overlook "whatever" to get our needs met.

I already had met the wife of my OM. I never hung out with her, but he sure would have liked that. We talked back and forth. That does make it feel horrible. She even prayed for me when I had surgery. The OM would always let her know how "great" I was doing in training, etc. Ugh. I UNDERSTAND like you how you would fear being made out to be responsible for both sides of the affair. Somehow, I feel that would happen with me too. Only because he does tend to get women coming on to him....and what a great excuse! I could EASILY look like that to her, and it makes me sick. Especially because those kinds of OMS that want you close to the family, I think, do have a plan by that. It does seem to make it more heinous.

You are not alone. And please forgive me, but you are not unique. I have had to be told that before myself when I try to have a pity party.

Do not give up. Do not leave MB. Hang in there. I need it for selfish reasons myself. To know that those of us in the beginnings of the withdrawal or NC do hang in there and do the right thing. You know that is what you want and need to do. God will give you the strength. Enough babbling. I will miss you. Your name jumps out at me like a joke between God and myself. He knows us well. He knows what you can handle. He will make you able to handle telling the OMs wife. I and my H have not yet, and I am TERRIFIED. We have to though. I will let you know what happens for us, and if I just crawl under a rock:)

Love ya all,

practicing NC for 3days,
practicing NC physically for 16 days,

Don't want to go back to square one on withdrawal!!!!no way!!!

Hi. This really is ncwalker, BS of runawaypot.

My WW and I have been on the down of the roller coaster lately. She asked me to read her thread. I was reluctant to do so, but was amazed at the support you all have given her. She really is a wonderful person. Most people see it in her but her.

DELETED - Shared something that belonged to RAP here. Mistake. NCW

I am so glad that you all have been kind to RAP. I sometimes have a tough time of doing it. I am so glad for the things you have said to me as well. But RAP will probably agree, if we need to have our chops busted, bust away. It is more important that our M be saved than we not be offended.

NCW

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: ncwalker ]</small>

Well, that was awkward. My H got it a little confused, but that is okay. The details he is stating I did not know at the time, and the quote about the hotels never happened. That is what I told my H I ASSUMED later about why he took me there.

la de da

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Broken Vessel,

Does that current information on my A make you feel a little better? It wasn't always how NCWalker said it was, but he is right. Nothing to be proud of.

To Pepperband:

You have a wonderful singing voice. How's your backhand? Kind of need one upside my head right now.


Thanks,

ncwalker

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: ncwalker ]</small>

You don't need to delete what you wrote Pepperband. It is fine.

Okay Pepperband. What exactly is your la de da about?

RAP,

I apologize for using your thread to talk to Broken Vessel, but I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread to her, or sort of leave this conversation in the "privacy" afforded by being in the middle of this thread. So please accept my apologies for kidnapping your thread abit.

Broken Vessel,

I have been reading and posting here over 5 years. In that time there have been ministers posting here (both BS and WS), and there have been WS's posting here who had A's with ministers. Apparently, while it is NOT widely known affairs in the ministry are not uncommon. The reasons are pretty straight forward, the ministers are human, the command respect, and people share with them their inner feelings, thus establishing a connection and opening up to someone else.

If you read nothing else in the posts here, read in the messages sent the power of opening up, helping other people, and being vulnerable. It is very very seductive. From the sounds of it, your minister filled the bill for you. Frankly, your A is no more damaging and no less damaging than any other. It is a betrayal of trust on your part and on the part of the minister. His failure is the greater because people come to him with trust in their heart and deep needs.

It seems to me, if you told his superiors of the A, and he has been disciplined, that is all you need to do. Why do I say that? In this particular situation, given his job, it is the superiors responsibility to inform his W and yes even the congregation. Since he is apparently leaving and retiring from the ministry, only his W should have been told. Perhaps she has, very likely she knows a lot.

In ways your situation is unique in others it is NOT. But, no matter the uniqueness or lack there of, you need to heal from this, you need to help your H heal from this, and you need to settle yourself in your religion. Broken Vessel, they don't build churchs for those without sin, they build them because we all sin and need guidence. If ever there was a time for your religion to give you guidance NOW is the time. Seek the guidance of your of your faith and the forgiveness of your H.

It will come, just have patience.

Finally, I know what I have said seems to be countering WAT's advice, but I don't think it is. Often telling of the spouse is a method to end the A. It has ended. It is also the kind and charitible thing to do for the OP's spouse. You don't know if his superiors had him confess his sins to his W, they should have. But, in someways it is over. If you want to confirm that she knows, talk with the superiors that you have spoken to before and confirm that they have indeed informed the W as to the cause of her H's discipline.

If they have, then you don't need to concern yourself with this. If they have not, then there are some things to think about. My bet is she knows. Please think about this, keep asking questions and keep posting.

God Bless,

JL

Hijack away JL. Your wisdom was a lot more on target than mine!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by runawaypot:
<strong> Okay Pepperband. What exactly is your la de da about? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a line from movie

"Annie Hall"

one of my all time favorite movies.

Pep