RAP,
Pep is as obtuse as a hammer and anvil. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Actually, what you will find is that she has NO AX to grind, you just get the straight stuff and don't worry about being a little sensitive, it happens. I have three posters mad at me right now, because they don't want to hear what I have to say or at least don't like the way I have said it. It happens, however, if you are frustrated or sensitive speak up.
This next part is hard to explain but those of us who have been here a long time Pep, WAT, Susan, K, etc, don't take these situations personally, but they are personal to you. Hence, when you think we are acting like your friends, family, spouse, scolding you because we are hurt, we are NOT hurt and actually not scolding you. Informing in firm language... maybe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
You said a few things I thought I would add my comments to. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This one is for real. However, it really hasn't seemed to affect him the way it has me. I feel really stupid and unlovable.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is an example of the "fog". You KNOW you are lovable, your H loves you. He doesn't have to and further you have hurt him far worse than you could ever hurt OM, but he loves you. Your focus inward (really just the "fog") doesn't allow you to see this yet. But, as you heal and you start to look at those around you (children, friends, H, ...) with a caring eye, you will see them looking at you with love. Yes, pain in the case of your H, and perhaps family that loves you, but love nonetheless.
Time to wake up RAP, you did a horrible thing, you hurt people deeply, and YET... you are still lovable and the person you hurt the most does love you. Very interesting don't you think??? Actually, one of the surprising things or at least surprising to the WS, that comes from an affair is the fact that they ARE loved so deeply. It is often one of the reasons for the affair, and yet they are loved. You are, we know that from the posts of your H here. Can't dodge that arrow girl, he loves you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Thanks and it is good to know the future can be free of pining for some OM that really never should have meant a hill of beans. My H is the one who must be loved on now, with a lot of God's guidance and a few thuds in my head. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps I am a contratarian or something but I think you need to stop and realize something. You do NOT have to love your H. You do not have to stay married to your H. The old marriage has been destroyed, biblically he can divorce you. Your H does not have to love you and he surely doesn't have to stay married to you.
He has chosen to stay with you, and he choses to love you. You see love is a verb it is NOT a feeling. You may feel love or you may not, but your wedding vows said you would love him "until death do us part". You cannot make such a vow based on feelings. You can when you realize that love is a verb and not a feeling and it is something you chose to do rather. You can show and love your H with or without the feelings, that is the vow you made.
No one is twisting your arm to get back into this marriage. Your H wants you thats for sure, but he wants you only if you really want to be there. You have decisions to make, and you have to decide if you can love him.
Obviously I and others think you can and probably do, once the fog wears off, you will see it. But this is NOT a must thing. It is about vows, and how you feel about them. It is about your willingness to rebuild this marriage. It is about what you see in the heart of the man you are married to.
You are struggling as most do with images and feelings for the OM. That is normal, but as you start to reflect on your marriage, whether or not to honor your vows, whether to keep the family together, the OM will begin to take a less and less prominent role in your mind.
You have failed in your vows, we all know this, your H knows this, all that count know this. You can be "sensitive" about this OR you can start to focus on the future and use the lessons of the past to guide you and help you.
So take your time, but you will find that most of us here are interested in your future far more than we are the details of your past.
Please think about this, and really pay attention to what Pep is telling you. She is really good at this.
God Bless,
JL
