How are you doing today?

Still maintaining NC I hope?

Pep

Pep, I've been lurking but somehow i totally missed your post. and then i saw it right as i was about to close the browser.

ok, want to know the truth. i was literally just thinking i don't belong here anymore, i have nothing left to contribute, and i'm not significant enough to matter either way. "but what do i care" (which equals me trying to put up wall).

i have maintained NC so far but i am such on the edge. i am disgusted that i don't have better morals as i internally debate what would be the big deal if i talked to the guy. and then lets take it one step farther, what would be the big deal if i saw the guy again. in my warped mind i am trying to convince myself that it would not change the fact that i am still willing to work at this marriage and do all i can to meet my H's ENs (ah, but here is where the logic is flawed, cuz here is where i would have to add) "as far as he knows".

what would be the big deal? all it would do is allow me to have a small break from reality and all this stress. allow me to have some of my needs met (even if just for pretend) so that I can continue to do my best.

have i always had such lousy morals?? no wonder our marriage s*cked. of course this is not a question you or anyone here can answer.

and now i see you reaching out specifically to me and caring about how i am doing.

i'm such a mess pep!

It's not a matter of morals right now.

But strength.

Get a real life accountability partner... sort of like an AA sponsor.

Ask someone to be available to you should you weaken.

It's like an 'effin drug.

Don't sip... the addiction tells you "one sip won't hurt"....

Please speak to a real live friend today...

NOT a lack of morals .... but a lack of strength right now... but you can exercise your resolve and get bigger stronger NC muscles.

Pep

Finally Learning,

Don't beat yourself up. I went back and forth many times before I got out. And then barely. My resolve failed again and again.

You just have to do it one day at a time--and each day of NC you have to be doing something that makes you feel better as a person--like you are giving yourself something rather than depriving yourself of something.

For example, the only way I was able to succeed in quitting smoking was by embracing the truth that I wanted to be a non-smoker. A non-smoker who was:

clean-smelling
energetic
healthy
free of addiction
...

Get the idea? Study the benefits of being a faithful, dependable, and trustworthy person. You can get there.

Everlong... golly-gee-wiz you smell good.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't beat yourself up. I went back and forth many times before I got out. And then barely. My resolve failed again and again.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too, me too!

and I haven't had contact now in over 3 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hummm...you know what is funny? It may be 4 years. I can't even remember! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And that is what is so great!

And I am FINALLY a happy girl!

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

pep,

of course my first thought is yeah right, exactly who am i going to ask to "sponser" me?

but then i guess there are actually 2 people here at work that would be willing. so i looked for them both on the messenger network we have online. only one was signed on, so i IM'ed her, but she did not respond, the other is not on right now although i could actually try the phone and call her. i have not done that yet, maybe after i post.

i also tend to disagree with you, it is a matter of morals. and i have let mine become so low. actually i don't think i ever had really strong morals, i don't know why that is. but i'm sure they used to be better than they were during the affair. and i guess right now is where i have to decide what i choose to have my morals be today.

everlong, i like your idea... here goes... so the first question is, what is my truth that i am striving to be.

for me personally, the highest cost of the affair that i don't want to pay anymore is the loss of integrity of myself.

i want to be a person who is...

content with her choices,
internally at peace,
able to hold her head up high,

it all sounds great on paper but i also want intimacy, my body and soul really needs it right now!!!! not that being with the OM would do much for my soul, but if i let it i could pretend it did.

i could of skipped that last paragraph and my post would of sounded much better. but it would not have been an accurate picture of how i am feeling.

maybe i just have to accept the fact that i am struggling right now. and that is ok. as long as i don't act on it!!!!!

thanks for the post susan. it is great to see those on the other side.

FL-

I haven’t talked to you in a while… I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. This whole thing fu**ing sucks!!!

Whew! That felt good! Try it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Back to being upbeat...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it all sounds great on paper but i also want intimacy, my body and soul really needs it right now!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN SISTER!!!

I'm going to throw something you said to me back at you b/c it helped me..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am working very hard at just being the best wife I can be without worrying about H's responses. that is the hardest thing to do, to just blindly love without needing anything back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very true words, very hard to live.

My best wishes to you.

Rob

All of us are struggling with something.

My (current) struggle is not about MB or affair issues right now. My struggle is a parenting issue.

And I really made some [censored] choices recently. And I know I am very weak in a certin area where I need to be strong. And, I am using Mr. Pep as my accountability partner for this problem. My H is much better in this particular area ... and he props me up. And he tells me when he REALLY doesn't like my decision ... and we struggle.
It is life.

I see nobility in the struggle.

To struggle is good.

You are so blessed. You have a home and a family. The things you don't have right now can seem sooo important if you obsess ... and that's OK, we all do this...

But, FL, look around, and really SEE the things at your fingertips right now that could bring you joy if you choose to allow the joy in.

Pep

robby,

thanks for posting. i think i saw a post from you yesterday or the day before and wondered how you were doing. if you are relating to how i am feeling then i guess that answers my question some what.

are you having much luck being the best husband ever? without needing anything back?

I really liked ark's post this morning, the art of giving but i think i need to re-read it a few more times and really, really, deeply take in the message!!!

hey, on the upside, i have been exercising more. I did a 3K run with my son on memorial day and i was happiely surprised at how good i did. i have been jogging more since then, not every day, but some, and on most of the other days i am doing something, even if just a long walk or bike ride. yesterday i started with the arobics class at our neighborhood pool.

nothing beats jogging though!! unfortunately my knees do not like it if i jog too often. but i will definitely go tonight. and i will go long enough so that when i am done i will be too tired to worry about what will not be happening when i go to bed.

thanks again for the post.

It is good to not be alone in these issues. NC can be so easily debated mentally. I love to hear both sides. I want to eventually be on that other "happy" side. I know it can be done, but oh boy!

the person i IM'd eventually got back to her office and responded, we chatted a bit, i told her i was feeling tempted, she tried to anaylize the whole situation a bit too much so i told her what i was really needing right then was to have someone to say "i am stuggling" to and then to be held accountable to accept the struggling state of mind without acting on it. unfortunately she must of gotten interrupted at her desk cuz then she stopped talking back!! ugh!!! but not really, even though it was cut short it helped. as did this posting today.

i do have a lot to be grateful for. tonight, son has a b-ball game he is playing in. it is a blessing to be able to watch him play. and i am blessed that i will be able to jog tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and that i am healthy enough to jog.

i wrote a note to H this morning. just a little note saying i think he is special (there is a story behind that about something he confided in me about his childhood two nights ago) and that i was glad i was his wife.

then i listed out all the various kid activities he had to manage today (he can get overwhelmed trying to keep it all straight) and told him to have a nice day.

i have to assume the note was good, he never mentioned it (yes, that is me just wishing to get feedback when i try to do something nice).

he did notice the yard work that was done when he came home last night, even in the dark, and he thanked me for that very much.

so pep, what is the parenting issue?? anything you want to share? i am actually good at those.

hi runawaypot, it can be tiring though, don't ya think??

i read a little bit about you and your H, but not all of it. it is really cool that you are both here. although that is partially why i did not read all of your posts. i wish I could tell my BH about this site.

the fact that i post here without him knowing is actually on my mind a lot. i keep thinking about starting a new topic on that fact.

but i fear everyone will tell me i have to tell him about it. on one hand, i really want to tell him about it. i have even printed out some posts so i could show him some examples when i tell him about it, but i have been too chicken. too chicken he will not take the time to see how good this site is and will just be mad and tell me to never post here again. and then i would have to stop completely.

but this site has helped me so much!!!

anyway, welcome to MB. I know this is a tough time in your life too. I hope you and your H keep growing closer together.

so pep, what is the parenting issue?? anything you want to share? i am actually good at those.

It's pretty serious.

I thank you for your offer... but... it is SERIOUS. Ya know, like not normal... LOL

He's 18 these are the facts more or less in sequence:

born to heroin addict
foster care system
adopted by us age 3
ADHD
learning disability (pretty mild)
depression
bi-polar
oppositional defiant
8 psych hospitalizations
RAD (reactive attachment disorder)
2 residential living programs
drug use (anyone's guess... these are the ones I know about alcohol, crystal meth)
sober living home now

........ and what is my issue you ask?

I am enabling him. (bad Pepper)

al-anon meetings with a parent emphasis is helping.....

I want to rescue sooooooooooo much!!!!!

Mostly because I am still grieving the loss of my Mom in March ... and I would cut off my arm to not have another loss like that right now.


Aren't you glad you asked? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Don't your problems melt away whenyou read this???

Pep

well, yes i am still glad i asked. but now i have to take back my stmt that i am good at parenting issues!!!

the desire to rescue him is very understandable, but it is also NOT something you can truely ever accomplish. my kids are only 10(son) and 14(daughter) so i have not had to do the letting go stuff too much yet. but i know it is coming.

your son has gone thru a lot in his short life so far. i am glad to hear you are going to al-anon. trust in God, He will help you all.

(yes, my problems don't seem nearly as bad now.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> are you having much luck being the best husband ever? without needing anything back? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL-
Thanks for asking! Yes, I am being the best husband ever, at least I think I am! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Needing it back is another issue... I'm human so I feel the need IS there. I'm just doing my best to toughen up and stay strong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Congrats on your running! I've fallen off lately but I think I'll blame the weather!

How's your IC going? Mine is actually pretty good- though I often want to strangle my C b/c of what I see in the mirror he holds up for me. The image softens though, the deeper we go.

Thanks Again!

Rob

my IC is not going good. i don't think she is a good C. H and I were not really impressed with her before. she seems to be letting me off the hook way too easily and telling me H has to forgive me and deal with this all better.

and, i swear, i am trying to get empashis off H!!!

i'm not sure what i am going to do about IC now. starting over is hard. but i tend to think i need the help. i really want to make myself a better person and figure me out. i have been meaning to get the book sexual detours, suggested by someone in a different topic. it sounds like it could be enlightening for me.

do you think your W is seeing the changes in you? is she responding to it? are you guys healing yet?

I think you should find a new C. Mine sounds like the opposite of yours. He won’t answer any questions about my W, says “I’m not counseling her, I’m counseling you!”. We delve deep, AND I MEAN DEEP, into me! It’s ugly but I think it’s really good for me.

He doesn’t make any promises either. Doesn’t know how things will work out. “She may decide to move on, she may decide life would be better without you.” OUCH!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Anyway, I know it would be a bummer to start over but that’s my 2 cents!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do you think your W is seeing the changes in you? is she responding to it? are you guys healing yet?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t know if my W is seeing any changes or not. She still wants to move out and claims she will not even think about our future until that happens.

So I guess she’s not responding to it but I’m like the proverbial scorpion that is changing into a beautiful butterfly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know it’s tough for you right now but I think I’d trade spaces in a heartbeat!

I liked (and used) most of ark^^’s ideas of things to do for my W. I’m always open to suggestions!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i tend to think i need the help. i really want to make myself a better person and figure me out
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get a new C. One that can help you forgive yourself and see the good you have already done.

What do you say?

Finally Learning,

My H and I just got back from MC and I have been reading the posts. Yes, it can be very tiring. But, forgive the sappiness(sp?), I am Ssssssssssssooooooooo glad to be at MB.

I am sorry you BH is not here. It can be a little hard to navigate that as you may have seen for us. Give it time. You may want to share with him when you are more comfortable that he will not make you stop visiting MB. He may need time anyway. It has been good and bad for my H. It is hard for him to hear some of the WSs feelings.

Pepperband,

Wow. I don't even want to share my problems with you now. You deserve lots of support. It sounds like you are a very loving parent. I know your child will look back and see how God blessed him with a parent like you. It may be when he has kids himself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but he will see.