Hi Kas,

sorry i have not posted sooner. i am trying to stay away from my computer on weekends. time is better spent putting my energies into the household while there. we also go away many weekends to a vacation house we own.

i am doing much better than last week, thanks for asking. i am not worried about NC. I don't feel like i am in the same boat as so many WWs here. The OM in my scenerio was not a friend or co-worker, we met via internet chatting. There was NO emotional connection (there were times i felt close to him, this is true, but never in a realistic way). we were very clear with each other.... this was a physical only relationship.

as i read books on infidility they break them down into different types. i don't know where i fit really. it seems to me like i fit best into serial cheater and that really worries me. the one book i read last friday talked about how serial cheaters are not capably of true intimacy in their lives. is that me???

Dear FL,

I have been awake and doing some ironing and posting since the early hours..

I was looking down to see how you are and have just seen your reply.

Am glad to here from you.

Please don't think of yourself in such a hard way (sounds crazy coming from me when I can't forgive myself and am struggling in this area loads..)

I don't believe for a minute you are AT ALL and IN ANY WAY a serial cheater. Get that out of your mind dear friend!

I know each of our A's and situations are different that is true, but just because yours was via the internet that doesn't make you a 'serial' internet A person in any way.

I could think I am a person who only seeks an A with a 'member of the cloth'.. That is a lie which the enemy wants me to believe to get me to leave church after the seriousness of my A.

Please don't beat yourself up.. I'm doing enough of that to myself. I can't bear to see you guys doing that to yourselves.

You still have a plan and purpose in God. I do believe that for you. You ARE special to him and he does LOVE you and all your worth, self respect and integrity can be found restored in Him.

That is my one hope I cling on to. God's forgiveness and His restoration.

You ARE more than capable of 'intamacy' in your life with H.

With due respect, please don't read a book that makes you feel that way.

God doesn't feel that way about you. He loves you FL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am on a journey to discover my 'intimacy' withH. (See my thread with really helpful advice from JL) on "Broken Vessell with the....."

Take care FL,

We all care for you and love you,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear FL,

Are you OK?

Am anxious to hear from you.

Please post asap, to let me know how you are?

Please take care,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Kas,

thanks for checking in with me. i am still doing ok. this has been a much better week than last week that is for sure!!!!

the counsoling went well, i feel more peaceful inside.

i still don't think i am too much like those of you posting in the moving on thread, i have read some of it, but not all. maybe its because i never had as much emotion invested, or maybe i am farther along and am seeing things differently now, which would actually be a good thing.

right now i was viewing my non-withdrawal feelings as a bad thing, maybe i'm just not remembering how i felt when i first started breaking it off. when i talk about thinking of myself as a serial cheater and one who has not really allowed herself to be truely intimate with anyone in her life, i am not beating myself up, i am just wanting to clearly look at myself and at my past choices so i can grow. i think this is manditory for me. enough is enough, i'm no 41yrs old, it is time i became a mature person and a healthy partner.

again i am not beating myself up for not being able to be perfect in the past, i don't think it is all about just me, there were issues in our M, but how i choose to react to the issues is all me. and i made those choices not because i am bad, but because i was hurting and didn't know how else to handle the pain. the point is, i see that now and i just want to learn to handle life's curve balls in a healthier way.

it can be all so confusing, don't ya think.

my case IS very different. the A was long and my H did not know about it. but because he knew i wanted a divorce he did make a lot of changes in order to fix his part of the marriage failures. so for me, i got to see very clearly and for a long time, my H trying to win me back. he did not know that is what he was doing. it had to have still been horribly hard for him but i would have to think not as hard as a H who is trying to do the same knowing their W is in the middle of an A. not discounting my H's efforts, I pushed him away a lot for a long time. we had periods that were not horrible

but the HUGE slap in the face for my H is to find out after the fact that while he was trying so hard, i was cheating on him. so he does not have to deal with my withdrawal or foggy behavior now, but he has to come to terms with the fact that while he was trying so hard, i was cheating. someday i am hoping to see just how much he accomplished by turning me around, right now he is mostly in the mindset of "all my efforts to improve this marraige and what did it get me??? you cheating on me!!!" he does not see that his efforts resulted in the ending of the A, not the beginning!!

i think for other WWs that are not able to see a new and improved H for a while before having to re-commit, it is hard and very scary. you know the marraige pre-A was not good, that you were so unhappy with it. how can you be sure things will be better??? i got to see things be better for a while before i confessed.

anyway, i hope this makes sense to you. no matter what the circumstances, infidelity is a nasty nasty business. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i'll post to you more on your thread about physical interactions with your H.

(p.s. ok, i suppose i do beat myself up a lot too... but i'm working on that. so should you. it does no good to beat yourself up, it just takes up energy that could be put to better use!! my head knows this but sometimes it is still hard. but if you really think about, beating yourself up is just another way of acting selfishly, because when in that state, you cannot be a giver. something to think about)

Dear FL,

Just come back to this thread and wanting to say thank you for your reply to me, and also for posting to me on my 'struggles with intimacy' one too. I really do appreciate your thoughts and adivice. You said


"p.s. ok, i suppose i do beat myself up a lot too... but i'm working on that. so should you. it does no good to beat yourself up, it just takes up energy that could be put to better use!! my head knows this but sometimes it is still hard. but if you really think about, beating yourself up is just another way of acting selfishly, because when in that state, you cannot be a giver. something to think about)"

Isn't it crazy when your head knows something but your heart refuses to accept it, therefore your heart is the one that ends up dictating how you respond to something?

It is driving me crazy how the head and heart are in conflict so much.

I want to be a giver and not a taker (as I was before), and I am hanging on to MBs and reading as many posts as poss from you all, because I am actually (I think) letting things finally sink into me.

Thanks again FL,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

you are very welcome Kas. I am glad I am helping. You are doing good!!!! I believe you will be just fine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (it may take a while but we will both get there)

ps FL.

Thanks for your post and encouragment that you think I am doing well.

I meant to ask before. I know you said your councelling went well, so will you go regularly to it? How does it work out there? ie once a week or something?

What sort of questions are you asked?

Understand if you can't share on this, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you both.

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hi kas,

i am going to go to IC once a week. the first session was mostly me giving her all the details of everything (and it took the entire time, let me tell you!!!)

are you going to IC?

sorry for the short post, but i'm late!!

i'm taking off and wont be back till tuesday now.

have a nice weekend.

Dear FL,

Thanks for post. Hope you have a good weekend. Will look forward to hearing how it went next week. Will miss you and your posts.

Am having some councelling at the moment too.
Take care,

Glad yours ok,and once the initial details are sorted you should be able to move on in the actual talking time.

Thinking and praying for you.

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FL-

Where are you?

How did IC go today?

I've got mine tomorrow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hi robby,

yes i had IC today, it was pretty unproductive...

a) i was about 5 min late due to bad traffic

b) she asked me about my relationship with my kids and i rambled for a long time about them (i do adore my kids!)

and then we got off on some side roads and the next thing you know, the hour was up

about 15 min before it ended i actually thought to myself about how i am going to get out of the day without having to dig into anything heavy. and on one level, i felt very relieved because i digging deeper is HARD and EMOTIONALLY DRAINING and is somthing to be avoided at ALL COSTS!!!!

of course that is an extremely un-useful way to think and i really need to quite being such a coward and face whatever i need to face in order to get my life on track.

but i guess that is not going to happen today.

so overall, i feel like a coward today. yeah, that describes it about right.

how was your weekend?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how was your weekend?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pretty eventful, I think. I'm still in flux over it... Need to talk to W when she gets home from work tonight. I'll let you know then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

How was yours?

hard to tell by what you wrote but it seems like maybe the events were positive ones. i hope that is true, share when you feel ready.

my weekend? had it's up and downs, nothing too up, nothing too down. just going along i guess and i feel like i should be ok with that, but i'm NOT.

i think we are both too chicken to really be intimate with each other. yes, that means i include myself in that ineffective behaviour. i feel like i try to open up some... but i acknowledge i close up quick when i conclude he does not care or does not want to go there with me. sure sounds like that would of been a good topic for IC, don't ya think... too bad i am too chicken to deal with any of this.

in case you cannot tell, i'm not really in a very good mood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear FL, can I just say first of all to Robbie

I LOVE FINDING NEMO.

You can learn a lot on whale talk(different species from there you know)

I beg to differ with your conversation with Dory... Does'nt she say:

"I will call you squishy. You will be mine.You will be my squishy"

What we could do is re-watch it both and then post the answer!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well FL I am sorry you didn't feel too positive about MC tonight. I do hope things will work its way to you in a positve way.

Am thinking of you and all those American Muffins....

Why don't we have a 'bring a muffin' plate share and meet up all together in a central place of the world?

I failed on geog at school, so have no idea where the central place would be though..Prob in an ocean..Best to ask JL. He would know.

Take care and love you all,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my squishy. Come on, squishy Come on, little squishy…OW! Bad Squishy! Bad Squishy!

Ok, so I took a little bit of creative license. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I ran out of characters in my sig line.

I'm busted! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

how did your evening go?

Dear Robbie

Am glad you could remember the EXACT script for Dory!! I should have asked my 9 year old girl and nearly 15 yr old daughters as they know the film nearly word for word now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So..howwwwwww....rrrrrrr.......uuuuuu......tooodaaaayyyyy ?(am trying to remember the intonations in the whale talk)

How are things going?

FL,

How did your evening go last night?

Thinking of you.

Take care,

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Morning all!

Ok, here’s an update on my sit.

W & I spent the whole day Monday poolside drinking Mimosas. It was really nice. S was happy in his Pack N Play, sleeping, etc. He’s going through a growth spurt right now and just cut his 5th & 6th tooth! Anyway, we had a good time, overall –W talked about moving out details and LB’d a bit. I kept the mimosas flowing while playing the role of sober parent.

After a while W wanted to go out. I thought it was a great idea b/c we haven’t done anything w/o S together since d-day. W showered while I dropped S off at SIL’s place. We (W neighbor & I) picked up the nanny (W’s BF) and went to a local irish pub. W & nanny started talking about sexual frustration (of all things) so my F & I started playing pool in the back. Nanny’s H called, pissed off that she was “on a double date” so I took nanny home.

I came back to the bar and played pool with F & W, another couple. W was tipsy at this point and started throwing LB grenades. Many of them were direct hits but I did pretty well not responding to them. (Actually ran the table after the biggest one, W said she knew it would make me play better!)

We decided to go home and something very interesting happened on the way out the door.

When we walked past a table of guys W lightly scratched the back of the one closest to us. She was walking in front of me and knew I would see it. I asked her “What the heck was that?” and the 5th of July fireworks began!

W: What, what, what did I do.

R: You just scratched that guy’s back.

W: Oh, I scratched his back huh? Did I **** him? Did I **** that guy? Was he fat?

This went on for several minutes…

Sidebar, your honors:

The OW was not attractive and overweight.

My wife is

BE

EE

AA

UTIFUL!!! (spoken like Bruce Almighty)

I think what she said to me is actually quite revealing. Not only was I a huge scumbag for having an A, OW is fat, ugly pig!?! Recently discussed this with IC b/c it confused me as well. Care to know what he said?

back to post

Anyway, W has been insisting she will not deal with any of this until after she moves out so I thought it was good that she was expressing her feelings about it. Didn’t feel good or bad about it, just thought it was a (baby) step.

I thought W & I might have had further discussions after work yesterday…

She didn’t really remember anything.

I guess she was a little more Blotto than I thought!

So I guess I don’t really have anything new to report.

I’m just happy W had fun with me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wow, 495 words for that!?!

What’s new with everyone else?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Care to know what he said?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">go for it...

p.s. i LOVE Bruce Almighty!!!

Ok, but I've got to go eat first!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Be back soon!