That's right. My wife told me today that it bothers her that I post here and spend time on the site.

I calmy told her that I enjoy helping others as others at one time helped a hopelessly distraught and panicked cwmac. It makes me feel needed and it also makes me feel good about myself. One thing that my current job does not do.

During the same conversation I told her that I on the other hand felt that our recovery may have been faster if she had come here and posted instead of occassionally lurking just to humor me.

She asked me to limit my time and I asked her to come here and post a few times on whatever. She can tell everyone that her H is an insane moron for all I care (well maybe just a happy idiot). She of course wants me to limit my time but said "no" to posting. Should I then say "no" to limiting my time until a compromised is reached? My giver wanted to accept.

Have I helped anybody out there or am I just dillusional?

All thoughts appreciated.

cwmac

P.O.J.A.

Have I helped anybody out there or am I just dillusional?

cwmac? Never heard of him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My wife told me today that it bothers her that I post here and spend time on the site.

Why? Does she want you to spend the time with her? Does she need more conversation? Help around the house? Help with the kids? Find out WHY it bothers her. That's what you need to address. Maybe you could POJA a way to make both of you happy.

I calmy told her that I enjoy helping others
Maybe you could enjoy helping others in some way that Mrs. cwmac could particpate in with you. Maybe y'all could volunteer at a soup kitchen, or do a "big brother" and "big sister" program, or work with a Habitat for Humanity project.

I think you need to dig deeper into what is really bothering her, and find a way to alleviate her bother while allowing you to stay here *OR* find another way for you to feel needed that is acceptable to both of you.

My wife says the same thing.

Couple of thoughts:

1) Its addicting so we are probably not as aware of how much time we actually spend here.

2) Being on marriage builders may serve as a trigger or reminder about the affair and its impact on both of your lives.

3) Finally she may want you to spend this time with her.

So goof off and do this when at work or when in the computer lab at your local university..like I am doing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

CW, you KNOW you've helped.

You've helped me anyway.

When I go on the computer I always feel I have to qualify what I'm doing. "I'm checking the bank balance, I'm looking up whatever, I'm going to spend some time on MB." I ask and ask him if it bothers him when I go on MB. He always says it doesn't and I believe him. He didn't like it at first though because he thought I was just keeping the A alive all the time.

It's the friendship that brings me back again and again.

And, all of the above from SDFR applies in my case.

CW, I've so enjoyed our chats. Don't go away completely. And BTW cwmac does NOT = nuts, cwmac = really cool guy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jenny

Sorry. I got distracted and forgot to tell you the reasoning of the W.

Turtle..you're right that to my wife MB reminds her of the affair. She thinks that my need to come here is indicative that "I'll never get over it." When I tried to POJA and asked her to come here and at least post once in exchange for a time limit, I got the "I'm so far past that."

I truely believe that had she come here 1.5 years ago she wouldn't have lied for so long or if she'd come here back during the time right after DDay2 she would have seen that our situation is not unique.

Most of my time spent on MB is either during work like SDFR or late at night when she's either reading a book or asleep. I'm a night owl and she's an early bird.

I know the site can be addicting so I've even gone out of my way to spend less time here.

Originally I would only post at work. In effect I was hiding it from her. Recently I've tried to be open about it. I don't click off as she enters the room. She sees that I'm here.

Hopefully I've filled in some blanks.

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truely believe that had she come here 1.5 years ago she wouldn't have lied for so long or if she'd come here back during the time right after DDay2 she would have seen that our situation is not unique.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't matter what you THINK would have happend - it didn't, so it's water under the bridge.

You spend enough time on this site (from what your wife says <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) you ought to know this is all about POJA! If both of you don't enthusiastically agree - then you come up with solutions until you do.

We have no say in this, regardless of what our opinions are.

And for the record - my H thinks (knows) that I am addicted too. But I MAKE SURE he doesn't get neglected - and he lets me know when it's time to cut back.

As soon as I hear my H's truck in the drive and his steps on the stairs I scramble to shut the 'puter down. I can see the look on his face when he walks in our room and sees I am on MB again. I tried to explain to him how it helps me to be here. The only way he really understood it was when i sat him down next to me and we lurked together.

As far as your need to come to MB being indicative of you "not getting over it" that is boohoooney! When I read posts from others that are earlier in the recovery process as me, I feel like -hey we have came so far! and when I read posts from others that are farther along in recovery, I feel like -hey we can make it too!

I agree with other posters: POJA. If she feels you need to limit time then why won't she agree to come here and post? Still unclear...she says she is "past that?" Maybe you could compromise another way...Like you will set a time and log off no matter what when time is up? Is she willing to compromise at all? or is it her way and that's it?

good luck...I enjoy reading what you write, and understand how difficult this is!

Gosh, mom, that's funny that you log off quickly when you hear him coming home. I know I have a good half hour between when I get home and when H gets home. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything it just seems to take up SO MUCH OF MY TIME. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I told my mother about the site and what I was reading and writing and she said in that way that mother's have "do you manage to get your housework done?" LOL

He also felt much better when I showed him some posts. Hey, CW, the first one I showed him was your "Tempted Woman" post. Geez, the way that thread went it's just as well he didn't want to read it later on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He came on here once to say thanks to everyone for helping us. The main reason he doesn't post is that it takes him half an hour to type a sentence with his hunt and peck style. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jenny

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

You're asking her to feel the same way about posting that you do - and she doesn't. Neither does my husband - and I doubt he ever will.

DISCUSS this - don't argue about who is right or wrong. She's telling how she FEELS about it. Find out what it is she thinks you should be doing instead of posting, or what her problems are with it - or maybe she needs to understand that maybe YOU need to do this, and give a little on her side. But that's up to YOU TWO - not us.

cwmac,
How interesting that these recovery processes are so eerily similar.

About 2-3 weeks ago my W also expressed her dissatisfaction in that she believes, in her words, I am "addicted" to the MBers website.

She thinks that although I have given up "obsessing" about her A, that I have replaced it with coming here.

And...........

Oh well, even if I have, I think this is a much more Positive place to be then thinking about her A.
So for her I quit for about a week (cold turkey) and then have attempted to be aware of her concerns by limiting my time here. But I'll admit that it is hard, even when I mostly just lurk and read.

Even so, its comforting to know I'm not the only one being accused of this "crime". Kind of funny too. (or is that sad?)

I wonder how many of you being accused of this have spouses that also read and post here? Bet the ones that believe its a problem don't come here much or at all. Just a guess.

Maybe if she'd just come here as well, we'd have even more to talk about.
(THAT being all of you!)

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

TopRope,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe if she'd just come here as well, we'd have even more to talk about.
(THAT being all of you!) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely she could fill volumes and the real me would come out of its nasty dark cave(reference to Men from Mars...Venus)

Hope,
Does POJA ever include a trade? IOW, should I say that I'll limit my time if she at least tries to post? Or does each stand on its own ie she has to enthusiastically want to come here (it'll never happen) and I have to decide to limit my posts to once a week for an hour (it'll never happen)?

Thoughts??

cwmac

KiwiJ- I think we have the same mother...I could even "hear" her voice! Weird!?! My H understands what I get out of MB now, but I don't want him to feel I am ignoring him or choosing MB over him. He appreciates it. And sometimes he says, no you can stay online...I am going read with you. It is nice.

But cwmac, that is not your situation is it? I agree with hope4future: "You're asking her to feel the same way about posting that you do - and she doesn't." My H now understands about MB better but he will never feel the same way about it and I know with his "hunt and peck style" he will never post here himself...unless I type it in for him, ha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mom, when I typed that I could "hear" her voice as well LOL.

CW, your w probably won't post here. I said my H had trouble typing but it's also not his thing. Although he did find a guitar site the other day with a forum and someone made him so mad by saying the type of guitar H has is useless, that he nearly went on and posted. I said "see, it just takes one post to get your dander up and you're away." He didn't post though - the "typing problem" again.

You can't make her post. I can only agree with the others. You have to REALLY POJA it.

H has become very like Mom's H. He says, I'll read or listen to music - you go talk to the others.

Jenny

No no...you know what POJA means - it does NOT mean 'trade off'. BOTH PARTIES MUST ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE.

She is not enthusiastic about posting here - so 'making' her would not help the situation. If it's really IMPORTANT to you to keep posting - then maybe it's a matter of how much is too much? Or find out if it's really 'how much' you post that bothers her, or if it's the thought that you're still not over what she did. If it's guilt - then whether you post or not, it needs to be resolved. A good long TALK might do that.

One of the things my H requested when we got back together was going to bed at the same time. I slip up from time to time (as I have been lately) when I can't sleep or I have something exciting running through my brain and I just can't NOT stay up and work on it. He grants me those lapses because I always come back around to making sure that HIS needs are as important as my own.

If it really is a time issue - that's an easy solve. But if it's deeper - then you need to do the work to TALK IT OUT to resolve it. Maybe she needs to feel that you will give something up for her in order to feel forgiven and important again.

Cwmac, I think it’s been 2 years for H and I here on MB, with 3 months of actual posting on my part. Reading AND responding are entirely different from just reading. The former takes WAY more time. H has not been even reading on MB for a few months now except for the occasional lurk and like your wife, has never been interested in posting. I “officially” decided not to post anymore (LOL) a week ago for several different reasons, but I have to say that lurking is very hard to give up!

MB time is unquestionably time spent "away" from our spouses and once the issue of time spent is raised, it becomes fair game for POJA.

To quote Harley: Annoying behavior is eliminated because if one spouse finds any behavior or activity of the other annoying, according to the policy, it cannot be done.

It’s hard to imagine someone seeing our MB time as annoying behavior but in reality the non posting spouse can have a point. MB is addictive, and yes it does feel like we’re being helpful and productive but the sheer amount of time MB can take can feel like competition to our spouses. We probably don’t even realize how much time we actually spend.

The whole point of MB is to build an intimate marriage and as intimate partners we must consider each other’s happiness a priority. Cyber relationships should not have priority over our real life relationships no matter WHAT the basis of the cyber relationship is.

For me, trying to be off of MB has been a lot like breaking up. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I try for no contact but...I lapse. My H has not requested I leave but when there were some complaints from him about the time I spent; I realized that he was right in the sense that I could certainly be spending more time dealing with real life. According to our agreement, I don’t have to give up cyber life entirely but it’s modified to where we are BOTH comfortable with it.

This really is a great POJA opportunity for you and Mrs. Cwmac, because you both care about the outcome. Don't be surprised if you find yourselves getting closer as a couple because you (Cwmac) no longer spend as much time turning to and interacting with others.

It’s a wonderful opportunity to see how MB really works for both of you. Refresh yourselves on the basics of POJA and see what happens. Good luck! KB

Hope,
My wife goes to bed on average at 8:00pm. Are you suggesting I lay in bed for 2-3 hours until I'm tired?

BTW, I usualy get up within a half hour of when she does.

I've been here a long time, 5 1/2 years.

My H posted for a month in 2000.

The majority of the posters are BS and of those BW.

WSs/FWSs rarely stay long. There's a few, but I think part of being FWS is not thinking about the OP, right? Posting about the A makes them think about the OP, so it posting can be interfere with putting it in the past.

Many BS also feel that there comes a time when MB is more painful reminder than help or support.

But, the BS doesn't have that concrete connection to the OP...they are trying to understand the WS, themselves, how to forgive, how to move on...and yes cwmac, sometimes to give back.

That's what keeps me here, as often as I think it must be time to go...and the other thing is, I don't ever want to forget the lessons I've learned. I want to keep all my MB skills.

My H came to understand that MB is different for me than for him. If he's going to be online, he'd rather do something else.

I limit my time on MB to mornings, work. Now H is in Afghanistan, and I still try to stay off in the evenings.

Do POJA, do tell her what MB means to you, and where you feel it fits in your life. If she doesn't want to post, I think you should honor that. But I also think you should post as if she will read them, because she should feel free to do so if it is a chunk of your life.

cwmac,

you are helping me a lot with your questions and input and your total concern with my situation.

i am very grateful to you and i really hope your W comes around and realizes that this is also healing for you to come here and post on and read this site...

mrsx

You book reading, boardshort wearing, surf watching, FWW bonding, LA Laker LOOSING, intelectual man, of course you have helped people here. Your also a bit dillusional. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I find you fascinating. The way you embrace us (FWW) the way you try to understand the otherside says so much about the person you are.
Your W is a lucky woman.

The way you have educated yourself to this mess of infedelity has not only helped you, but many of us who have been fortunate enough to have you post on our threads.

I CW, am very thankful for your knowledge, you have helped me in so many areas, not just on my threads, but reading your words on others threads.

So yes, you have helped me.
KY