worthatry,
I could ask but I don't think he will.
Privacy concerns- but I will mention it this
weekend.

Paige, I have been reading with an open mind and am trying to see your side of the equation as well. But this next statement really bothers me.

"I give you all that. My biggest fear however is
that if I could go back- I would probably still
do the same thing. His love, a future with him
is in my soul worth more than my integrity."

One of the biggest reasons that some BS have a hard time with the OP is for the OP's lack of integrity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nine line bind:
<strong> Paige, I have been reading with an open mind and am trying to see your side of the equation as well. But this next statement really bothers me.

"I give you all that. My biggest fear however is
that if I could go back- I would probably still
do the same thing. His love, a future with him
is in my soul worth more than my integrity."

One of the biggest reasons that some BS have a hard time with the OP is for the OP's lack of integrity. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen, I was thinking the same thing. I should have written in down, instead of just saying "Me too!"

Thanks,

Tony

That, too, bothered me--that someone would sell themselves out (their integrity) for the love of a man.

I tell you, if I had two things to do over again (getting married *and* having an affair) from the perspective I have now, as regards personal integrity, things would be a hell of a lot different.

nine line blind,
I understand that- I'm trying so hard to be
honest and get to the truth of things (for me).
I'm actually tearing up as I type this.
Yes it is a hugh lack of intergrity not to say-
go back to your W- divorce FIRST. With my H,
I think he was the type of man that wanted to end
the marriage- but needed to know that he had
something secured. I'm not trying to defend my
position at all. Just trying to express my own
thought process. The only comparative I have and
I agree it's probably a poor one is- as the BS
you've probably done things that had it not been
for the circumstances you were in- you probably
never would have done or maybe said. All I can
say- trying to be really honest here- is that
this relationship was something that I wanted
sooo badly that I was willing to sacrifice my
own integrity and hurt a woman I didn't even
know to have.

Pink,

I'm with OctoberGirl. No where in these posts do you acknowledge that what you did to hurt innocent people was wrong, you feel bad but feel your actions are justified. To you the end justifies the means. What kind of world would we live in if everyone thought and acted like that. You say you go to church, I just hope you are prepared for the day when you are held accountable for your actions. It will not be a very pretty day for you.

kloe72,
I think that if you read all my posts you will
see that- that is not the case.
I think I have said that what I did was wrong
and that I was genuinely sorry for any pain that
I caused.
Is it that you simply don't want to see it?

Words are easy to type, actions are much harder.

Paige - I believe and appreciate your sincerity.

So what does one do to restore integrity?

Isn't a good place to start by removing yourself from a situation that poor integrity got you into?

In other words, how can you possibly restore your integrity damaged by infidelity remaining in the resultant dishonorable marriage?

Some wrongs can't be totally undone, say murder. Forgiveness can be sought and earned, but the crime can't be reversed.

But rob a bank, give back the money. Then seek forgiveness.

I don't expect your H's XW wants him back - nor am I arguing that the old marriage should be restored in order for you to erase your wrong.

But it sems to me that you are in perpetual conflict to remain in that marriage while attempting to restore your integrity for helping destroy the previous one.

I wish you luck.

WAT

o.k.- so you did see what I wrote. Why state
that I didn't say it then.
I have also wrote what I have done to rectify-
and yes given that XW wants no contact it does
make it difficult. I also wrote of my pastors
feelings about our marriage and told worthatry
that I would talk to him when I see him this
weekend.
Maybe it would be fair to ask you...
Because I was an OW will nothing be good enough?
If that's true- why are you here hoping to learn
how to help your marriage? Your spouse is
equally guilty are they not?

worthatry,
As I stated before I will speak with my pastor.
But undoing my marriage cannot undo the affair.
How will giving up a relationship we both want
help anyone? Will XW take satisfaction in it?
Will his elder father that I care for- benefit
from the absense of my care? If I'm pregnant
(not sure-but might be) will my child benefit
from not having a father in the home?

Paige - I think the problem people are having is the "if given a chance, I'd do it all over again" view.

I hope you don't really mean that.

If you really do, this means you do not recognize - despite your claims to the contrary - that what you did was wrong and constituted emotional rape.

For what it's worth, given a chance, I'd choose to be a BS over a WS any day.

WAT

Paige, I think you are confusing feeling sorry and truly repenting. People feel sorry for many choices they make in life. They can be as trivial as I am sorry I didn't check the cake before it burnt etc. Or as serious as, I am sorry I said that I didn't call you sooner etc.

True repentance actually implies that the person is:

Truly remorseful and ashamed of having done something, which God does not like;

Willing and ready, wherever possible, to undo the effects, which he is aware of, of the wrong or sin that he had committed;

Committed to correct his behavior and refrain, to all possible extent, from the wrong or sin, which he had committed in the past.

Just my .02.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
<strong>How will giving up a relationship we both want
help anyone?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would help you restore your integrity.

If you do indeed bring a child into this world, I hope your experience will help tech him/her the value of truth and honesty and the priceless valus of following the Golden Rule.

Again, good luck to you.

WAT

I'm not sure I agree that you should divorce simply because the marriage was born out of an affair. I don't think you fix one mistake or sin by committing yet another.

On the whole apology thing. Personally, I would explore sending her a letter through your husband. You write a letter apologizing, show it to your husband and seal it in an envelope with her first name on the envelope.

Your husband would write her a letter apologizing, and indicating that there is a letter from you, also apologizing, enclosed and she has the choice to read it, or destroy it.

I do think you do need to tell her you are sorry, and it would best if you could meet her face to face. You might even put that in your letter that you would prefer to look into her eyes and let her know that you do feel great remorse over what happened.

However, she is free to choose not to read the letter, etc.

I do believe you have the responsibility to attempt to make a personal apology.

You are not responsible for her accepting it, and you should endevor that it will not hurt her. However, we are called to seek forgiveness from those we've wronged.

Tony

[edit by Archuletan]

Why don't I feel the same way about WH? I took a vow to love this person for better or worse. I take marriage vows very seriously. I made no such committment to OW.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

worthatry,
You seem to pick out part of a thought and
construe it to the worst possible meaning.
My thought was that I was willing to give up
my own sense of right and wrong to have this
relationship. And given the enormity of the
strong feelings- fear that I have not gotten to
a place where that would not reoccur with this
person. I'm not proud saying "I'd do it again
if I had the chance"
Can't you see the difference in what I'm saying?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaSansContour:
<strong>I don't think you fix one mistake or sin by committing yet another.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tony - why would that be a sin or mistake?

kloe72,
And don't you see by making that statement you
give validity to
every OW who ever uttered the excuse- "Well,
I didn't make the vow to W- MM did".

***edited by Justuss*****

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

I really don't want to get involved in this and I am coming on this post against my better judgement.

I feel like I'm someone who lost all their integrity for 18 months and then regained it. Well, I've regained it in the eyes of my H and family and that's all that matters to me. You guys (WAT et al) have never flamed me and I trust it's because you know my regret and remorse are genuine and sincere.

This made me think about what would have happened if I'd gone the other route.

Two, 30 year marriages down the drain.

5 children (3 of his and 2 of mine) completely f***ed up.

My H a totally broken man (god he came near enough to that anyway). Now he's one happy man. We just look at each other and smile.

His W a totally broken woman. And I'm sure she's come pretty close to that as well. I only hope they've got as much love between them as my H and I have and that they'll weather this. I have no way of knowing and I sure as he$$ won't be finding out through any means whatsoever.

I don't know, I just felt I had to say something.

Jenny

PS Excuse my language. I feel quite strongly about what I could have done to my kids.

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>