ark^^,

I don't really see this as a thread jack.(though it looks like it might turn into one) A virtual time out maybe.

ark said:

And it is my opinion...that Erics feelings on his trangression have spun it into a positive thing which in my opinion is a huge red flag...for this is something that may bite him hard down the road...and he should be perhaps be prepared for that....

exactly.

Pretty much everyone in "recovering" marriages will say that their marriage is stronger post-A than it was pre-A. Nor because of the affair(either one of them) but because what the affair brought to light. If simply screwing a third party made marriages better in of itself we would have a lot less people posting here. There is nothing to say that a lot learning and growth cannot take place form this.

Eric said:

It is all just so strange to me that what has happened has not damaged our marriage further but has given us both relief. I think she really did expect me to do what I did,, and she feels ok its over now he can be mine again,,, That is how she is taking it.
I feel like ok my wife is not the only adulterer I am no better than her, lets just make sure we never hurt each other again.

IMVVVVHO this is not the way to look at this situation. There should be no relief. You having your affair did not take away the pain of your wife's A did it. I doubt she expected you to have an affair but if she did then WHY she felt that way needs to be address.

You were never any better than your wife before your A, maybe you made better choices, but you were not a better person.

This will be a slow recovery and the two of you need help to get through this or it will be the blind leading the blind.

God Bless,

Doug

Melodylane,

I have also read your other posts and you don't understand something. There is a huge difference between:

1. Judging actions and
2. Judging a person and/or the worth of a person in God’s eyes...

You can judge a wrong action WITHOUT judging the person as such, but it’s something else if you judge the whole person because of the wrong actions.

IMHO, judging a wrong action is not ‘judging’ in the Biblical sense of the word but judging a person IS. For instance, we all know what Eric has done is wrong, but no one have the right to judge Eric as a person or attack him as a person about what he has done.

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Good morning,,,

I didnt sleep a wink last night, I had to use every natural stress relief I could to comfort myself last night. Midnight jog around the neighborhood, sit ups push ups, no alchohol this time. I told everyone here that my affair happened SAT,, confessed Sun. Well guess what pops out of WW mouth...... She has totally lied about No contact for several weeks they have still been talking on phone he has even asked her to cut his little girl hair (My w is cosmotologist)I didnt take it very well at all,, I immediately called OM and said I dare you to call her again!!!! He replies by saying dont threaten me Ill have your GD job, Im like,, and how is that,, heres the Love buster->>> OM replies your wife has been telling me that you are using your job,,,"Captain of Operations" over both of the jails in our city to pull my mugshots and show them to your wife,,,, heart sunk looked at my wife and asked her to please tell me she did not tell him this,,, she told him a couple of weeks ago she said. awwwwww man I cant take this anymore, I fully felt there was NC between them it is clear to me more than ever my wife still has emotions for this man.
I only showed her his record so she could see him for the sexual predator that he is, he has broken up other marriages,, I told my wife to not tell anyone about it,,, guess my wife cares more about the OM than she does our financial stability. Not only is her involvement with this man going to end our marriage,, but it looks like my career is going right with it. OM says he is filing charges today. I GIVE UP,,,,,, she is still so good at lying. THERE IS NO REPAIRING HER LAST ACT OF BETRAYAL. Thank you all who gave me hope and I know I have acted like a dummy dealing with the hurt of my wifes affair,, I will continue to vent her im sure I think Ill go crazy if I dont, that is if I can afford inte5rnet access after I am unemployed,,,TALK ABOUT LOOSING IT ALL,,,THERES NOTHING HOW WILL i PROVIDE FOR MY CHILDREN?
May god forgive us both for how this is fixing to end.. its inevidible

Suzet, God judges a man's SOUL, man judges a man based on his actions. You cannot detach a man from his actions, that makes no sense.

A man who lies chronically is, of course, a liar. A man who murders is, of course, a murderer. That is a true fact. By what standard is a liar judged if not by his actions? It would be silly to say that Charles Manson was a good guy who just happened to do "bad things."

There is no other measure by which to judge a man if not by his ACTIONS, so it makes no sense to try and detach the two. Nor is there any biblical basis for such an irrational viewpoint.

I realize that its politically correct to detach a man from his actions, but that is a viewpoint that is rejected by most because it simply makes no sense and is certainly not biblically based.

eric, i'm so sorry. i don't know what else to say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorry, double post.

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Melodylane,

IMHO, giving labels to people and putting them in categories is not the same as judging wrong actions. Certain actions is only one small part of the whole person and labeling someone according to certain actions is wrong and judgemental IMO. For example, there is a difference between saying: “You are an idiot” (judging the person) and “That was a dumb thing to do” (judging the action). Or, "You're a selfish person!" (judging person) and "you're acting so selfish!" (judging action). I can't see what is so irrational about this viepoint.

Eric,

You are hurt because she lied about NC.

You are afraid for your job.

Yes, ok- it was wrong for her to tell him.

Also wrong for you to show her his record.

Wrong for her to cheat.
Wrong for you to cheat.

My point is, you have both done wrong.

You are even.

Forgive and start over.

Shul

Suzet, I think your main argument is with the truth, rather than some imaginary sin called "judgementalism." For example, if I lie all the time, I am a liar. That is not judgemental to say so, it is simply the truth. We are defined by our actions. What other way are we defined if not by that?

And that definition can sure be a huge gray area and very subjective. But you simply can't argue with the truth. Nor does it help anyone to do so.

I would just add that this phobia about "judgements" is a relatively new trend started by the anti-intellectual 60's radicals. [judgementaphobes] No other culture or generation has adopted such a looney view. Unfortunately, it has penetrated some circles of our society.

My apologies to Eric for highjacking your thread! Sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

eric,

Her reaction to just move on and not seeming to be hurt is because she was continuing contact. She took you pain and twisted it to serve her purpose.

This is exactly why you can't just move on.

Can you honestly get in trouble for showing a mugshot to your wife? I can log onto the web and pull down mugshots of anyone in the pinellas county "system."

Your story is so similar to mine. You both have done "bad" things and are both hurting.

Go against the grain and try to fix this marriage.

Get down on you knees and get honest with God about what you need. You need strength, decernment and wisdom right now. Just ask for it.

Read the first chapter of James. It really helped me when I was in your spot.

God bless,

no opologies mel,, I enjoy the reading and it is a good debate,,,

Shul,,,, You do not understand she has made her decision by placing my 10 yr career, countless hours of training, and hard work in the OM's hands. I am so easily disposed of when she is talking to him. He is the man she wants,,, I am merely the father and provider she wants. I cant live like that.
I cant believe an affair can totally utterly ruin someones life. LORD HOW DID IT COME TO THIS,,, HOW HAVE WE BECOME WHAT WE HAVE BECOME?

d-ROSE I am trying to respond but I am so tore right now, I have thought that my wifes affair was not able to gain her love. He has exploited her love for him by calling and getting information about me.

as far as the mugshot,, it is not illegal you can call any jail and book in is required to tell you what an individual has been charged with, you can also pay 5.00 for a copy of the offense report. He does not know the law as well as me he thinks I can be arrested for printing a mug shot,,,and showing my wife who he truly is. I cannot its all public information,,, what he can do is tell the warden that I have copied and removed documents from the jail without authorization,,, it is an infraction in our policy and procedures. Severity of this action the result is your licensed expelled and termination. I would no longer be able to work in law enforcement again,, which is all I know. My wife was told by me that if he called do not tell him or this would be the outcome,,,, My lord I am such a distant second to this bald headed,,, thrashing,,, dope smoking,,, body piercing,, sexual predator

e,

What do you think you boss would do if YOU told him what has been happening. The stuff with your wife, the "felon" and the documents that you copied without authorization.

Have you been in the same place for 10 years so I would assume you have built up som credibility in the workplace. Would your boss hit you with the maximum punishment of mabe, in lieu of the circumstances, maybe verbally admonish you.

I am in the military and I see "rule bending" and "looking the other way" often. I would think that this would hold true in the private sector too.

Something to think about, It would take all the power away from him and it wouldn't be hanging over your head anymore.....kinda like when you told your W about your A.

God Bless,

Doug

D Rose,,

I just spoke with the chief and the Asst. Warden about my whole dilemma. They responded very positive about it. They said I understand why you did it but you also understand why there is a policy against it.

They want me to talk to the head Warden when he returns from lunch and tell him the same thing.
The Asst. warden said he didnt believe the warden would fire me but I did need to tell him so he is not blind sided by The OM. Ijust cant believe I now have to bring this situation up to my job. I never dreamed my wifes affair could have my head on a chop block. The Chief said that he would have done the same thing I did,, especially since OM has a history of obsessive behavior and has been around my children.

I know I have a hard butt chewing coming and maybe some suspension, but law enforcement is what I went to school for it is what I want to do. The affair has probably ended my marriage, I just hope it has not ended my life as well.

Eric- Your story could be made into a movie. too crazy. I that scumbag were in my jail I would make his life hell. I am not saying that is right, but I wouldn't be able to resist. Shows that your wife is out of her mind being with this low life piece of garbage. Unless she wants to be abused for the rest of her life with him you don't have a lot of competition there. He is a punk. take the high road at work if possible. Don't do anything u will regret later. I know it's hard, but just do it.

eric,

That is pretty good news though. The OM's prior record made him a danger to be around your children. I think that this will go a long way towards a but chewin' rather that a pink slip.

I didn't want to tell my bosses about what was happening in my life either but in the long term it did help. Biggest thing was I could be sad, I didn't have to act like nothing was wrong, also got treated to lunch a few times too. Plus I found others that had been through affairs too and learned from them (or their mistakes). Funny how most of the people that I knew that were divorced didn't want to be, they just didn't know what else to do.

ok I just got out of my meeting with the warden. He knows about my wifes affair he knows I violated company policy. He talked to me and actually was caring about my situation,, he even said when he was on the police force he married a woman who was having sex with all the officers,, he said Iknow how you feel.

As far as my punishment,, he said "you know what you did was wrong?" I said Yes sir,, He said I am taking it that by you telling me this it will never hapen again?" I said yes sir.. He said "If it does happen again I will yank those Captain bars right off of your collar and send you out of the gate" This has been a ton of bricks lifted off of my shoulder. The Warden said if this low life calls me about this I will advise him I have resolved it and thats the end of it..... What a relief!!

Oh and as far as my wifes actions,,,, she has given me yet another wake up call,, she led me to believe he meant nothing to her and that she would never talk to him again. Sound like shes fogged? I really will not have to worry about her contacting him pretty soon. With his last offense (violation of a protective order) he violated his probation a warrant will be issued for his arrest again, probation violation is automatic jail time for his prior offense which can be up to one year. Still its hard to swallow that my wife chose this sort of man to betray me with. I think i will step back again and concentrate on myself and getting my head straight because she has hurt me once again and whoever said my wife took my affair so easy because OM was not out of her system,,,, it makes since now. Just the same as I was separated from her for 2 months and I had an affair,, me and my wife have not been intimate,,not that I even feel I have to ask her,, but given the latest discovery,,, I am positive my wife has been with OM during these 2 months of separation.

e,

Great news!!! I was hoping that was gonna work out for you. I could almost feel the relief in your post.

I think i will step back again and concentrate on myself and getting my head straight because she has hurt me once again and whoever said my wife took my affair so easy because OM was not out of her system,,,, it makes since now.

Wonderful idea. It is that whole "whereever YOU go, there YOU will be. I used to take that as meaning a physical location. Boy was I wrong. It meant me bringing my issue-laden, baggage-dragging self into whatever relationship I was in.

God Bless,

Doug