<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Dear RAP

I meant to post earlier but I guess I have been doing a bit of running away inside as well.

I can feel in some way the same things you do when you want to reach out to your H and at the same time feel you cannot because you have hurt him. Without MB I think I would go mad.

I feel lost at times wanting to do so much to repair the hurt but knowing I cannot. I can only help and show my H that I will not hurt him again and that will take a long time if he decides to stay. He will be home tomorrow for a few days don't know if he will want to tell me he wants a D or if he wants to work on the M. He has of course huge trust issues with me and it must be difficult for him to set that aside.

But I know I am hurting so much too just as I see you are, just because we are the FWW does not mean we do not know what we have done or the hurt we have created, we know all of that and that we cannot fully understand the depth of our H pain try as we might.

The closest I can get to is imaging him with another women and I know it would kill me. Maybe I deserve that, but another blow to our M is not going to help.

Anyway the mix of so many seemingly crossed feelings just seems to leave me in a limbo at times not knowing what I should say or do. Perhaps it is part of the recovery process, I don't know.

I can see you have a confusion of feelings as well and so I want to let you know that you are not alone if you want to talk.
I hope you can find your way back and help heal your H.

God bless.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Broken Vessell,

I am so glad you are back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ! I can "hear" the pain in your posts. It can be so hard to express. So much shame that we can feel the way we do, but feel that way just the same. We can help each other. I am listening, like you, to as much as I can handle on MB.

Crazedlove,

Thank you for your post. It meant so much too. NC is so new. I have so much "unfinished business" the way it ended. And yet, I probably don't want my questions answered. Think I already know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Feel torn like crazy inside. Know it will start to get better, but will husband wait? I hope so.

I will pray for the weekend with your H crazedlove. I will pray he will not rush into anything, and he will give himself time to heal. That seems to be the ultimate help and advice given here. Just let time do its thing. Of course while we seek God to heal us so we do not ever do this again. Blessings on both your families this weekend.

Broken Vessell,

I am sorry the weekend is harder. I hope you can fill it with something that would make you happy. Something that would make you feel special. The way God does see you. Thanks for listening so much! It means EVERYTHING right now.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Good morning ladies. It looks like you are all doing the program and feeling the feelings that are normal at this stage.

I'm sure that none of you purposely set out to get in such a big mess. To me it seems that each of you is a good woman, who got sucked into a bad situation.

Our pastor gave a sermon on "guarding your heart" last year. The premise was that most people don't seek out an affair. It usually starts as a friendship, and goes on from there. We are programmed to invest ourselves in someone that seems to care about us, and fill our needs. It goes downhill from there. Down the slippery slope.

I hope that you all will give yourselves a break. You already have suffered enough. Try to move on, love yourself, and make a nice life in the future. It makes me sad to see your pain.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:12 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

broken vessel -

You are remorseful. That is enough. There is no sense in feeling so shamed. These things happen to people.

I am the BS, but have seen the same thing over and over. And I truly believe that any of us BS's, given the right circumstances, could end up being the WS.

At my church, the pastor who ministered to the young married couples had an A, and had to quit. Everyone was dumbfounded. He is a truly good man, but just slipped.

It can happen to anyone, I don't care how strong they think they are spiritually. It happened and it is over. Please don't beat yourself up.

By the way, the Lord wants you to repent (turn the other way), but he does not want His child to live in shame.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Well if you are a believer, you have to have faith that you are forgiven.

I had the same issues as you do. I had an abortion which was very much against my beliefs. I was in an abusive relationship, and had a chance to get away from it, taking a job as a pipefitter. I decided to have the abortion, mostly to save my two boys from the situation.

It took me years to forgive myself. I really never could do it. I avoided church, and felt terrible.

But that is not the right path. The Lord is coming beside us, and knocking at the door to our heart. Please let Him in, as I have done.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:15 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Good night, and sweet dreams. Please realize that you need to accept God's grace.

Rap Hi there, FWW here, nice to meet you, lousy circumstances, but we are here let's learn from it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This dumb A is bringing up so much more in me than I knew was there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!!!!

I can tell you, I could have wrote your post, the pain of withdrawal is no fun, fog is no fun. I'm a few months ahead of you, and every day gets better.

I know the pain seems it will never go away, just keeping fighting your urge, stay away from OM, if you don't it will just set you back right to DDAY.

Stay strong, don't follow the light. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ky-4

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hey BV and RAP -

Well you aren't alone with the withdrawals. Just when I thought I was pretty much over them WHAMMO!!! Today has been rough, very rough. I am still maintaining no contact but ARRRRGGGGHHH... I don't know, for some reason it's getting to me.

I am trying to focus on hubby and God, but it's not helping much. I wish there was a magic pill to make it all go away. I mean I am sure there are some out there, but they are probably illegal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh well, tomorrow is another day!

Dear kyellow4,

I don't want you to feel what I feel, but it does help to know it gets better. I like your comment about not following the light. I had many temptations and "good" reasons to break NC today. Nothing except my own excuses. Did not do it. I am actually surprised! Part of me knows the extra pain will flood back, and I just don't want it.

I think the real temptation of breaking NC is the expectation of the "quick fix." We remember the positives instead of all the negatives(although there are MANY). At least sometimes I do.

If I did break NC, I realized today he would have me right "under his thumb" again. I am coming out of the fog enough to know that God has a better plan for me than that. Thank you to all (if I forget) for sharing. I REALLY cannot express in any words how it gets me through every moment at times. You truly are the "angels" I have spoken about before! Thanks.

Chackler,

I am so sorry. I have been right there with you this weekend. I think it is just par for the course, and we have to wait it out. I know that is so hard, but please know we are hanging right in there with you. The sermon today was how God wants us to find the hidden treasure in ourselves and others. He wants us to see ourselves and others with hopeful expectation of what we can be. Like He sees us. I think we need to start looking for that hidden treasure that God has given us to be for ourselves and our families. This is not the end! The mistake, for me, is to try to "fix" it all right now. OUr emotions just won't cooperate fully till we get to a certain point.

Broken Vessell,

YOu sound like you have a strong faith. I love to hear it. But, oh, I hear the same self-condemnation that I fall into so easily. I have slowly started to learn that self-condemnation does a heck of alot more damage in holding us back in growing with God, than many other things. I am tired and rambling. Be blessed. You are forgiven. Don't give the thoughts of sadness, loss, or anything else about the OM too much weight. I am learning to be honest with God. If the feelings are there, well tell Him. It doesn't mean we act on them, but He already knows. They are just fickle feelings. I know because mine are extremely fickle.

Good night to you all.

Thanks for the encouragement!


The scripture God has once again quickened to my Spirit...maybe I should listen? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, O Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul;

like a weaned child is my soul within me(ceased from fretting).

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord

both now and forevermore.

crazedlove,

Can you let us know how it is going with your H? Talk to ya soon!

RAP- good for you for staying strong and keeping NC. Easier said than done. I know as well.

Your last post has inspired me. Thank you. I need to find my way back to God. I need to forgive myself and turn to him for my life after the A.

It is very hard to come face to face with God, when you feel you have done so wrong. Better I face him now, than later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you truly for your inspirational post.

KY

Girls (and everyone else who has popped in)

It's not often everyone "in our situation" gets together on one post so it's a good opportunity to put my 2c worth in.

My A lasted 18 months, it was with HS b/f, I thought it was an exit A.

My point is that all the odds were against my H and I ever repairing our M. I was horrified to read in "Not Just Friends" the other day that my sort of A has the most chance of carrying on and the least chance of M recovery. That scared and shocked me and I'm pleased I didn't read that just after the A. With the mindset I had at that time I probably would have seen that as justification for the A. As it is, when the A ended I knew nothing about MB or what to do to make my M work, I just knew that I was going to make it work and I was going to "fall back in love" with my H.

OK, now I'll get to my point. I thought I was going to die when the A ended. I got through each day just by putting one foot in front of the other and surviving the day.

As time went on I could see glimmers of hope and happiness and the pain started to lift. I've told my recovery story on here so many times I think I'm getting boring <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) but I NEVER, NEVER thought I would reach this stage of loving my H and having only fleeting thoughts of OM.

I don't deny that there are triggers and when they hit, they hit REALLY hard but that gut- wrenching, I'll never get it over it, pain has gone.

I hope this helps you.

Stick with it girls, you are all doing so well in your own way. I think your H's are lucky that you're doing so much towards your M's.

Jenny

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>