Thanks Kiwi for the encouragement!!!

Wow, I believe we have us a little club going! The FWW's club of America and New Zealand! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I like the sound of that Chack.

What's the acronym? TFWWOANZ.

Perhaps not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jenny

That's a lot of letter's isn't it?

Hmmm, I'll get to thinking on that one and let you know what I come up with...It's bedtime!!!

Best part of the day - bedtime, I love sleep!!!

Have a great day Kiwi and a great night everyone else!!!

Okay, my H is a goofball.


This is his suggestion for the name of our group...

Other Woman's Inspirational Team, Husbands Unselfishly Remaining True & Supportive

or....


OW IT HURTS

LOL,

RAP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

RAP

That has got to be the name. Your H is lovely.

Jenny

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

My H is very twisted but what a great sense of humor, huh?

The OW part of the acronym is because, like he says, most WS were involved with a MM, which makes us the OW.

Anyway, I thought it was kinda cute.

Pepperband,

If you are reading,

I think you were right on target about the "fear factor" when I see his car or him. The main emotion I do get is anxiety. Don't want to have to face him and have any feelings. Does he still have control over me? Does he know he does? Can I see him out, if I have to, and not show him any emotion? Can I get the can of raid close enough to him without him seeing it coming? Hmmm...good imagery coming... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I haven't digested it all yet, but you are so smart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Take a break, but don't leave permanently. Please...

Thanks for all your posts BV. We will hang in this together! Thank you for your reminder to me this morning about giving my first to God. Need that too.

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: runawaypot ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Did Pepper resign?? Where is her post on that?

Pepper can't resign! I have never spoken with her but her insight is brilliant!

What's our new club name? OW IT HURTS? I like it because it says it all! I'm the OW too...

BV, I understand about wanting answers, I went through that as well. You know what though, what if you got your answers, and they weren't what you wanted to hear?

For a few weeks I wanted answers. Why me? Did you really care for me or was it all a game? Did you really mean all those things you said to me? I just gave up on all of that because in order to get those answers I would have to break No Contact. It would have been DDay all over again. I ended up making up my own answers in my head and I am fine to live with those. It would be better off than hearing the truth...

Hang in there guys, after all, we have a club name now! I'm home from work with a migraine so I'll be on more today if any of you want to talk.

God Bless!!!!
Chack

chackler,

The club name is still up for a vote. my H was just being silly.

It may be appropriate, but I am not sure I am sold. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Any ideas? Am flexible.

Thanks for your post. My questions for OM are eating at me today too. Why is that such a big deal? I think when I and BV get past that, it will be a major accomplishment. At least for me.

Want to break NC today. Have a "legitimate" reason actually. He has my training notebook with my program in it. It took a long time to get that exercise routine together,a nd I don't remember everything. He told me he was finishing it last time we talked. (I broke off A by a message on his cell phone before we had finished training.)

I know....notebook not worth it. Give it up. Ouch. Okay.

Somebody come smack me....PLEASE?

chackler,

Do you get migraines often? Is this one from anything in particular that you know of? Hope you can rest and feel well again.

Unfortunately I have headaches every day, just some days are worse than others. I have been to every doctor under the sun and nothing works. Tried accupuncture, massage therapy, chiropractic and nadda. It's cool though, like I said, some days are better than others.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:24 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Broken Vessell,

I just read your post.

Before I log off ( my kids could desperately use my attention today), I wanted to respond.

I don't have anything truly helpful, except I understand.

Sometimes it seems like you are speaking for me and it scares me for you.

I am going to log off now and pray for you. Really. We need God to help at times like this. Real crying out to God. I will do that to the best of my ability for you.

I have asked God for closure. I don't know what that would mean. I then told Him if He knew that He could not give me that, then His will be done. I have to pray so honestly like that every day. Ask God for what it is that I am craving to know. Then give it to Him to decide. Sounds silly, but I have had to get honest with God in all the turmoil.

Love ya,
Pam

)..

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:25 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV,

You asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is what I want to ask him?

Also "how can you just move on as though I never existed?"

I know it will set me back to square one but will I get an answer? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You already have the answer you just don't want to hear it. The answer is that your was NOT married to you, he has a W and a family, and that is far more important to him.

Now BV let me ask you a question your H would like to know the answer to "How can you just move on as though I never existed?" When you can give your H a good answer to that, you will know how your OM could do the same thing.

It really is that simple, it is a matter of focus and perspective. You don't really want to focus on your H and family because it reminds you of the decisions you have made, of the parts of you that you gave away. You would and do prefer to focus on your loses, and that means focusing on the OM.


It is normal, because it is less painful than facing the people that can ask you </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"How can you just move on as though I never existed?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course your H has a few more painful questions to ask as well. My suggestion is to focus on answering HIS questions and I think you will find your questions will be answered as well.

Finally, in your specific case, I will offer you something to consider. I have found over the years the call to the clergy seems to come in one of two forms: It is a call to seek oneself and be closer to their maker. OR it is such a call that converts to a desire for respect and power.

However, since the latter case requires TWO separate types of people, the ones that accomplish trying to be closer to their maker, coupled with the aquistion of power and respect, what you find are people that can COMPARTMENTALIZE things to a very high degree. That means they can walk away from a bad situation WHEN it suits them. They can preach on Sunday and bask in the respect and power at the same time.

It is not as uncommon as you think BV. It really is not.

But, the reality is that what your OM thinks is of no importance, because NOTHING he thinks can justify what you have done, you have indeed made a very bad decision and whether he simply used you, or you used him or both, does NOT change the situation.

You are looking for an escape hatch and there is not one. Well, actually there is one, but interestingly it is through your H. He and he alone offers you the possibility of escaping what you have done. He can forgive you and by doing so, free you of the guilt and the remorse. He is the one that was wronged and yet he holds the ability to make you whole again. Yes, I know your religion will do this, and that God does forgive, but your time here will be spent poorly if you do not address your H and seek to help him, and receive his forgiveness.

It is the way out of this mess, the OM is not. What he thinks is of no consequence to your life and the damage you have done. It is time to face that. If you do, you will be surprised.

I realize that I am not in your situation, but please think about this abit. Who deserves the answers, who deserves a chance with you, who is hanging in there despite the pain? Your OM is NOT your security blanket and never will be no matter what he could or would give you for answers.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:26 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV, I have nothing to add but "please don't contact him."

You will achieve absolutely nothing but more pain.

Time for the FWW mantra. "OM is not your concern."

I know you don't believe me but it really does get better. I can feel your wavering from here. What often used to stop me when I was on the verge of sending an e-mail or going for a walk to look for him was "What would everyone on the board think? They'd be so disappointed." It sounds funny but it's actually the truth.

And, more than that, much, much more than that. "What would my H think?" and I was not going to add any more to his hurt.

Jenny

BV,

You said a few things I wanted respond to, but first I must make a comment based on what you said about your H. He sounds a lot like KiwiJ's (Jenny's) H, and while you don't appreciate it now, he is a very special man. Please think about this.

Now you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have 'insight' into this situation by your comment. Sadly I am not the only one he has done this to. I believe I was just 'one' of others from the past.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BV have you ever heard the saying </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A minister, a pyschological counselor, a physician have a basic trust built into their position that is very important but it also allows them access to people's weaknesses, fears, needs. As such, a person coming to them for guidance, help, assistance, is very very vulnerable. First, they have opened up to someone they trust, second this person is skilled at persuading people to change their perspectives, their view of the world, and their view of themselves.

They cloak themselves in the inherent trust, hence power, of their position and they can abuse it.

Not all members of these groups do this, in fact most professional organizations have very strict codes of conduct because they are aware of the power their members have to take advantage and seriously harm the people coming to them.

You say he has done this before, sadly that really makes you a person that was NOT special to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You need to simply face that and no amount of talking with him will change it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe he had 'deep spiritual' problems which he never dealt with in his past and with W. He seems to have been able to 'cover up' his tracks very well though.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Practice, practice, practice will make you good at anything. I don't doubt for a moment that he was spiritually conflicted. He was using and abusing power which directly goes against the tennants of most faiths.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H talks about everything with me. He also believed OM had deep spiritual problems before I ever confessed to him. There is nothing I can't talk about with my H.. He firmly believes OM was a 'preditor' and 'pre-meditated' his approach to me whilst I worked for him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very clearly I agree with your H on this matter. What I find most impressive is that your H talks to you about everything. You may have NOT be special to your OM, but you clearly are special to your H. How does it feel to know you are special? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It should feel very good, and you should sit back and enjoy and bask in that feeling your H has provided.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H encourages me to talk about every 'minute' detail of how I feel to him so he can help me in my recovery and withdrawal. There was never any doubt or question in his mind that he wouldn't stand by me in this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BV, do you have ANY idea how you have been blessed? Any idea at all? I realize you are in withdrawal, but BV do you have any idea how many WS's are here that would love to have what you have. How many BS's that would love to have a spouse that come back without a doubt that they will stand by their spouse?

BV, I really think you need to go to your church and pray. You should NOT hide from your church, it is after all for all of us, because we are all sinners in one form or another.

I know you don't appreciate this right now, but you now know what few do know, your H is dedicated to you and loves you deeply. You have been blessed and I think what all of this is about is your growing and realizing the gifts you have been given in your life.

BV, keep talking to him, keep coming here, and keep away from OM.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL, I thought BV's H sounded very much like Rob as well.

BV, listen to JL.

Jenny