Pam, I've got a new job which I start next week. I just left my work after 7 years and have had 2 months off. OM was a client at my old office and every single person there knew I'd had an A with him. Someone heard me talking to a friend and told the rest of the office.

I remember being at home with little children. Mine are now 23 and 26. And yes, I remember going stir crazy then as well. LOL My adult kids are wonderful people and it has been so great watching them grow into fine adults. I'll just pretend their teenage years never happened. LOL

Jenny

Oh, sorry to have missed your background. Thanks for the information.

Congrats on the job. I am so sorry about the embarrassment you must have endured at your old office. We definitely have to climb out of our own pits, don't we? No criticism, just have to see the results in my life everyday too.

I love my kids. I have never regretted being a "mama." Just went a little too gung ho on being home. Never did much else for myself. Got lost. I am coming out of it now. I just am having to get the pendulum balanced:) so as not to neglect them in my own stupor right now!

I was a teacher's assistant last year at my boys' school. Loved it, but spent the day with 18 4 year olds. After being a mama for so long, don't think that is the job for me right now. they just needed the help then, so I filled in.

I was going back to work in the fall. After talking with my wonderful H, we decided I needed to get in IC for a little while and focus on getting well. This will be the first year they are all in school and I could be home alone. I don't think I can be home alone that long, but I do need to focus on getting better. I have ignored things that are now having huge effects on my marriage. Mostly how I see myself, etc.

We could really use the money. I am so surprised by H. Isn't he sweet?

Pam

Yes, Pam, he is sweet...and clever. I've been reading his posts and you have got one heck of a good man there.

If you can sort this all out, and I know you will, you will be one formidable couple. I'm sure you already were and I know you'll see it again soon.

Jenny

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:49 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV, JL once said to me I was being too hard on myself. I think you are too.

You're doing everything you can to mend this. Another thing JL always says is "recovery is not for wimps" and that's for real.

Some wives (not anyone on the board but wives of people on the board) are lost in a complete fog, are doing nothing whatsoever to mend anything, they are causing nothing but pain.

When they wake up they are going to fall VERY hard. And they will wake up.

Jenny

Hi all,

BV, I understand your hesitation on going to church. How about visiting the messageboard that I moderate - www.thelampstand.com. It's a great Christian board and you might get the fellowship you need for now, until you are ready to step back into a church. There is another one called Rapture Ready, www.rr-bb.com. Lots of great forums.

You also need to forgive yourself. I have finally forgiven myself and it's such a weight off my shoulders. I still feel the guilt and shame but it was a mistake, I am learning from it so it won't happen again, and I am moving on.

Maybe we should call our thread Moving Forward because that's what we are all doing? Sounds kind of positive don't ya think?

Forgive yourself BV, and RAP if you haven't done so yet. God has forgiven you and if you think about it, if God has forgiven you, who are you to hold that weight on yourself - you are not better than Him, you are not the judge, He is and you have been forgiven through the blood of His son. When God sees you he sees "forgiven", always remember that.

I am glad you are feeling better Kiwi. I have learned it's easy not to tell your husband what's bothering you and I have to re-train myself. I struggle with that but I am finding that it helps me out when I open up.

You have been such a help to all of us Jenny, thank you so much for your encouragement, intelligence and 2x4's when needed!!!!

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:51 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Thank you chackler for the suggestion on the renaming of the thread. I think that is it! I don't know what else to say because am kind of in a lull and not feeling the strongest. Ugh.

Thank you.

BV,

As usual, what you say hits home. I want to be the wise woman that builds her house, but my flesh wants to take the easy route.

There is no "easy route." It is a lie of the enemy. A mean horrible lie that tricks us to draw us in, then kicks us when we are down.

I want to obey without hesitation and eventually reap the rewards of following God out of a pure heart. I am not at the "without hesitation" part, but I know there is only one way to go...forward.

Thanks all. love ya,
Pam

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 01:52 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

hey gals-
I almost missed this renamed
thread! but I am here! I went
shopping yesterday by myself.
I took my time & just enjoyed
looking. I was shopping for a
dress for son Sept wedding. &
I found a beautiful suit-whew!
1 less thing to worry about. I
have felt better than last few
days previous this week- I am
trying to stay focused on
MOVING FORWARD! yeah-we need to
think of inspirational things to
share-like.....
"no one is useless in the world
who lightens the burdens of
another"-charles dickens
pal

Thanks BV for your post. It is late Saturday here and I am so glad to have made it through the day. I am ashamed to say I have missed the OM terribly today. I know. It makes no sense. Before he became a total louse, we spent a few months just enjoying training and laughing. That was already wrong in that it was a close friendship with a male w/o H around. I know. Just enjoyed doing something (exercising and losing all my extra pounds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) for myself.

My H and I went to a nearby new homes area where there are all these huge dirt mounds. My three boys had a field day just throwing dirt clods at each other. Amazing what makes boys happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
We then went through a friends house that is in the process of building her dream home. We had a good time. Still tense b/t H and I. He is in pain. I am in pain. Sometimes it is at the same time. We still enjoyed the boys tremendously. Got dirty, etc.

Anyway, thanks BV for the encouragement about church tomorrow. I want to go, but also feel HORRIBLE that I even have a thought about OM. Feel like I will be stricken down when I walk in the door. Never was like that for me before. Always a joy to be in church. I will go and just try to give the thoughts to God and then think on Him. He knows anyway, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good night all.

Pam

peaceandlove,

Good to see you are here. So, you have a son that is getting married? How exciting! I am glad your shopping is done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please keep posting. We have to help each other. Have a great Sunday, and I will be checking in after church.

Blessings PAL
Pam

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hi everyone!

I'm new to this thread...I hadn't checked it out before, but my BS told me about it. I wish I had seen it a month or more ago! I still struggle over OM...he lives within two miles and drives by OFTEN...though I can't say he's doing it in hopes of seeing me because he almost has to go by to get to his Dad's farm. Still, in the back of my mind, I wonder, and sometimes even HOPE that he wants to get a glimpse...he said as much to me after the A ended..."At least this way I get to see you sometimes." It made me mad because it sounded to me like it was enough for him to just SEE me, even from a distance. How in the world can that be enough? I for one would have a much harder time just "seeing" him. I'd rather not see him at all. But all that is beside the point. Right now I struggle with just being outside or going for walks. I'm afraid husband will think I am putting myself "out there" hoping to see him....and part of me IS doing that. But part of me wants to be able to go out and not worry about it. Why should I stay "holed up" in my house? After the A ended, I saw him several times....long story short, he told his wife that basically my being "out there" was an indication that I wanted to talk to him, which wasn't true. I know it wouldn't be the best thing for me to "run into" him right now...I am sure it would set me back a lot. I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where that won't happen.

J <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:14 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

KAS

Thanks for the support...yes, we ARE in this together. Wow, I can only imagine what you must be feeling since the OM is moving away soon...it probably almost feels like someone is about to die. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I could guess what I would feel like. Just because the A was wrong, IMO, that doesn't mean feelings weren't genuine. I struggle with that a LOT...feeling guilty for caring about someone! In and of itself, I suppose that isn't wrong, but the problem was it didn't stop at that. And is it wrong to still care? I just don't know! As Christians, we are taught to love. And what good is it to love unless the other person knows, right? But that is exactly what got me into trouble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I honestly didn't MEAN to start something by expressing my feelings to OM, but that's where it went. So now what, am I supposed to never tell someone I care? And how do you just turn that off?
I'll be thinking about you...just imagining myself in your shoes makes me want to cry.
We'll be here.

J

good god.

I can surely understandth how hardeth it is for youth lot-uv. How chivilrousuth of you to deny-ETH this third personeth the absoluteth genuiness-ness of thou love whilst your pitiful spouses now as muchas they tryuth-ly fail miserably in meeting your most selfish of needseth---sss...and I might add.. the most impossible to fullfill( ask me later I am soo open to this question)

Have you lot ever asked yourselves.... WHAT IS IT YOU WANT


WITHDRAWL IS ONE THING....taking the piss out the of people who( incidently)love you the most is another.

NOW..lets talk about feelings.

Good morning ladies. I know the feeling that the church may fall down when you walk in the door. Amd also the feeling that everyone else deserves to be there, but you don't.

But Jesus came to heal the sick and wounded, the broken-hearted. That is what got me to forgive myself. So keep going to church, and keep trying to say "no" to the Deceiver.

I have noticed that when I am not doing what I should, Satan leaves me alone. He is only worried about me, when I am attempting to follow Jesus.