My suggestion...

*STOP* discussing OM obsessions here.

Really..... just stop. The discussions of "feelings" keeps your (collective) OM memories alive.... You are feeding the BEAST with all your "feelings".

Discuss the principles and concepts of meeting your HUSBAND'S NEEDS in order to have a happy marriage and a good life.

Start a discussion about something ELSE!

Discuss "The Prodigal Son" .... and how understanding that Bible story helps you walk through the church doors with your head held high.

Pep

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Prodigal means..........


~reckless
~extravagant
~wasteful expendditure

Dear Ladies,

This is NCWalker, RAP’s husband. Sorry to be here, I am not spying on your thread. I have promised RAP to stay off it so that she would feel free to post what she needed to say and I have been respecting her wishes. She will occasionally let me read a few posts when she feels like she wants to share something. She has let me read about the last five posts, one of which was from “madmax.”

madmax,

Ben Franklin once said “If you would persuade, you must appeal to interest rather than intellect.”

You have done neither. What did you hope to accomplish with your “clever” talk? You come across as snotty and childish that these women on this thread are trying to sort out some bad feelings. I am married to one of them and also feel that her feelings for the OM are bad, but my W and the others here are women of grace and poise. Where did you learn to talk to a woman?

You are NOT helping.

Ladies,

Pepperband is right. Not sure if it is going on as I haven’t read all the posts, but constantly dwelling on thoughts of the OM is not productive. Don’t deny them, post them here because it is important to say them. I have posted bad feelings for my W and it helps to just say them. The flowers you feed will blossom. Forgiving RAP is easier by not dwelling on the thoughts of her A. It is just proper tending of the “garden of my heart.” Pull the weeds, but don’t stare at the weed pile.

Pepperband,

Thanks for looking out for my W.

NCWalker

Hi girls!

onlywords,
Glad to see you are here. Don't leave. DON'T LEAVE.

I want you to post what you need to say, and then we need to help each other with what to do next.

Pepperband is right. Although sometimes laying it all out helps me. Also, we are making steps forward. I truly believe we are.

BV,

Very good sharing on King David. He was not where he was supposed to be, was he?

madmax,

I do not blame my husband's not meeting my needs on my choice to get into an A. We have both agreed we neglected each other. He did not choose an A though. I do not think any of us on this thread are demanding all our needs be met or else! The choice for me to have an A came from everything that was lacking in me. Also the ability to be selfish. Do not lump us all into this group that says we had an A because you did not meet my needs. If you read this entire thread, you will see the WSs here tend to realize it is our fault, not someone elses. If you want to post constructively as others try to, then go for it. A post like your last one is simply offensive.

believer,

Thank you for your posts. You and Pepperband bring a lot of wisdom to us. Thank you so much.

Blessings,
Pam

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: runawaypot ]</small>

Ladies -

I think pep is right - she usually is. Not that you cannot support each other in getting OVER OM.

It's like the old story of the fight between the bad dog and the good dog. Who will win? The one that you feed. In a spiritual sense, if you feed the spiritual side, it will win, if you feed the flesh, it will win.

By the way, did anyone's church fall down when they walked in the door? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hey all,

Might I say something???

It's easy to get into a pity part, Lord knows I have done this several times. Pep and believer are right, we need to move on. We stand nothing to gain from pissing and moaning about our withdrawals. Sure it's a b**ch but so is life.

I am going to try and turn myself around and think about what caused this, improving my marriage and ensuring that this never happens again.

Ladies we have been blessed big time. GOD has forgiven us, our HUSBANDS have forgiven us. We have all made huge mistakes but it is mendable.

Turn on the Mission Impossible music, okay...

My mission is to make my marriage the best freakin marriage out there. My mission is to figure out what happened and change myself. My mission is to learn from this so I will never do this to myself or my husband again. My mission is to be the best person I can be, regardless of what has happened. My mission is to pray - pray for healing, help, and guidance. My mission is to help others who have been in this situation and be the best listener I can be and lend an occasional tidbit of information/help, anything to help others with their missions in life.

Okay, end of music...

I hope I didn't sound harsh at the top, I can have a wicked tongue when I don't watch myself. I am not upset with anyone, believe me. I just realized that I can't improve if I keep dwelling on the feelings that I have/had for the OM.

FWW mantra, "OM is not our concern anymore."

Our husbands are, our marriage is, our well being, all are our concern now.

Come on, I got my cheerleading costume on (too tight!), got my pom pom's in hand and I am ready to move forward!!!!

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:16 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Chackler,

You are in inspiration. I can only hope I can develop as much optimism as you over time.

My H still hasn't forgiven me an is in a lot of emotional turmoil.

Although we are still sleeping in the same bed, he has chosen not to wear his wedding ring anymore and he can't tell me he loves me. I keep expressing my love for him though. I just don't know if he believes i'm sincere.

Any additional words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:17 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hey ladies, look at my link in signature line! I am now a computer geek, thanks to ncwalker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I still can't believe how easy it was to do. He showed me how on line. I am so impressed!

Hang in there, everyone. Your thread is one of the most powerful on this board, and that can't be a bad thing.

I'll be back in awhile - gotta go shopping for a pocket protector, tape for my glasses and some mismatched clothes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BrokenVessel,
You said a mouthful...Recovering H was reading this thread when some of those "other" posts showed up and he was going to tell me not to read the response from One of them....I can't tell if that one was a direct hit to me or just a general hit to the thread. Regardless, I certainly didn't appreciate that one! So what you said was very good...thank you. Before I saw your post, I was rreally tempted to just run and never come back....because when you stop getting permission to feel what you feel, you shut down. How in the world would that help anything?

As for "obsessing" about Om and feelings...I don't think that's what we're doing. We have these feelings, we are obviously uncomfortable with them, want them to stop, feel like absolutely HORRIBLE people for feeling that way, hate to admit it, etc....

I also understand how BS would feel hurt by what we are talking about here. Here's a question I asked my BS....how does the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Protection work together? On one hand, you want to be OPEN about how you feel and what you're going though, and on the other hand you don't want to verbalize it AT ALL because you KNOW he may feel hurt by it. All I know is that when I am able to speak my mind including all the withdrawal things and my BS doesn't BASH me, he puts about a hundred deposits in my love bank! I also have found, for myself, that when I verbalize those feelings about OM (either here or to BS) that seems to take a lot of the power away from the feelings! Isn't that a GOOD thing?

Things get so confusing on this board. You have people giving advice that at times seems totally opposite....which do you listen to?

RAP RAP RAP!

Am I saying too much? I want to run from this thread. Or am I saying things out loud that others are just afraid to? By the way, I LOVED your husband's response to MadMaxx....I love the way he comes to your defense. That is so cool! I bet he earned a million LoveBank Deposits on that one!

TO MADMAXX.....You can catch a lot more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. I hear you, I understand what you're saying, but it would be a lot more effective to drop the attitude. But go ahead and vent....if I want permission to say what's on my mind, then so do you.

J

Boss -

I notice you are still in very early stages...D-day less than a month ago. Your husband needs to process this in his own time. All you can do at this point is BE THERE, and be ready and willing to answer all his questions honestly. He needs to sort it all out and try to understand what/why/how this happened....not an easy thing to do. Not easy for us WW's either! Just take a deep breath....take care of yourself, and give him time.

Glad you're here!

J

I was going to bring out the 2x4 but I wont.

We (Lisa, me and a few others) had a very similar thread going to this called "Letting go of OM."

And talking about "missing" the OP was a total no-no. I know its hard not to but seriously it really does feed the obsession. We just used to go over and over "OM is not your concern."

I'm scratching my head thinking about what we did talk about - definitely moving on and how to best meet our spouse's needs. How we could recover. How to put it behind us.

We also came in for some flack. Someone posted that we were all just "holes" for the OM to fill. That was really charming - remember that Lisa.

Keep supporting each other, it really helps, but I agree totally with Pep, Believer and Chack. "Letting GO" of the OM is really what you have to do.

If you think I don't know what you're going through - I do. I was in a very, very bad way.

And, hey baby, look at me now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jenny

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Kiwi,

I do agree about letting go, but being in the early stages myself, that just seems impossible now. I have a lot of emotions and I believe that the process of letting go means talking and working through those emotions. This then leads to a greater understanding of what went into the A and why it happened.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should obsess about it but I also think letting it out helps resolve those unwanted feelings.

Well NCWalker ,

sorry you are wrong. Madmax is right to the point. Yes nobody is denying the fact that they have grace and poise . But they are not angels. It is a tradition at MB that all the fault and blame is put on the OM/OW so that you can think that your spouses did not do anything and eveything is the OM/OWs fault. Sorry buddy. ITS NOT. ITS NOT. It takes 2 to have sex.
If they only matched their grace and poise in their actions, they would not have been here. If the OM / OW are poor souls with a lot of mental problems and are deep in an abyss, these ladies are just a foot above us. They fell into that willingly. ITS THEIR CHOICE. YOU MAY BE A LOUSY, abusive husband. The marriage might have been a farce. But still nobody peeled their panties, its their choice. So please dont come to their defence.

There will come a day in their life say a year or two , the most dreaded thing in their life would be the mirror showing their image. Been there , Done that. They have to hit their bottoms to get back to you. Its the process of undeposting the love units of the OM. These ladies have to do that.


Madmax is asking some hard questions so that they can get their so called grace and poise.

LADIES, I am a former OM who was seduced into the A. My moral conscience made me not to have sex with her and she is now with her 5 th OM.
I just want to tell onething about the thought process of a OM. I was there ,done with and recovered with the help of MB and have been here from jan 2003.

So this is you to your OM. This is how you are thought by them.

1) You mean nothing . Just like toilet paper, use , throw and dont even remember about the process of using.

2) You are a ****edited*** who is after him.

3) OM do thing with PENIS, so they know what to say to you . They are always horny with you, so their thinking process is bright when they are with you.

4) OM do not think high about you.
5) They do not trust you, they do not treasure you.
6) You are just another ****edited***

7) They will eloborate to their beer buddies whata great **** you are..

8) They might have said " I LOVE YOU " a million times and it does mean the same as ordering pizza. Order and EAT. Tell the right thing, she will unzip. Just plain basic truth.

9) You might have found that they trashed you easily. Because thats what you are to them. ***edited*** They never think about you in a loving way. They never obsess about you.

10) All those little things and compliments they gave you are just investment. They get some 1000% return on investment.

11) There can not be a better boost for these poor souls self esteem like being chased by somebodies faithful wife with poise and grace.


I can write a lot other things ladies. .....

" What do you want? "

H / OM

You have two options.

1) Get out of WD as fast as they can and stop obessing about their other men. Start into the path of recovery and start to build a life with you poor husbands.

2) Get into the A bcak , go **** their Other Men , obsess about them, train in a gym, do whatever they like with them, Divorce you, make your children fatherless and almost motherless , become a ***edited*** in the eyes of the world, keep hopping from one men to another. Lie in a bed alone when you die with regret, resentment.


But there is a poor guy you have known most your life. Whose heart is in the kitchen table which you have been chopping for some time. But that guy is still there. You know that guy no longer thinks about sex as evey male spieces do in every 10 second intervel. He thinks about you having sex with OM. ITS A VERY NICE FEELING. ITS JUST LIKE VACATIONING AT HAWAII.He enjoys that very much.

What are you ladies have done to that?

You gals are really great , i know . But can't you see that your Hs are the greatest???. You have killed something out of them permenantly. You can not erase what you did with your body . YOU ARE THE BIGGEST TRIGGER,
They are going to endure all through the rest of their lives.

What are you ladies doing to erase their pain other than rambling about the OMs???


Yes, you all have tons of issues to deal with. I know its not picnic. I was there ladies. I was worser than you.

But the first and formost thing is your Husbands. Nothing else. not even your existence.Not even GOD.not your pain, not your feelings. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING other than HUSBANDS.

Coming over here telling how great your Hs are not what they want. They want the same intense love ,passion you gave freely to that bugging OMs.
If you are at that place to give that, then you can say that you ladies have GRACE AND POISE. If not, then atleat acknowledge thir actions. Do not LB them.

We OMs are not even worth to be in your mind for a second.

Your Husbands patience will run out one day. So wake up soon. Even if they dont run away from you, something in them for you is dying a slow death. So try to save as much as possible.

If anyone of you are offended by my ramblings, i am sorry. I just want you all to have that undying, unconditional love marriage. All the best lasses.

***edited by Justuss****
any questions or comments, contact me..

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

KiwiJ and Pepper and others,
Let me just say this...if I were HIDING this thread from my husband, then I would say you are absolutely right. But if I hide what I'm feeling, it would be a LOT easier to "feed the beast", so to speak. In other words, if I didn't talk about how I still sometimes want to "accidentally" bump into OM, or that I miss him sometimes, then husband might get a false sense of security, thinking I'm over him. And it holds me accountable, knowing that he knows!

You know, sometimes people will say what they think you want to hear, to get themselves off the hook...I could stop talking about OM, but if I still have those thoughts, and don't tell my husband, isn't that dishonest? Meanwhile I could be plotting all sorts of things in my head, like "now that he thinks I don't have feelings for OM, I can start looking for him" or make him think we don't have to worry about that anymore.

Please don't overlook the fact that a lot of us are living in very close proximity to OM...we have to learn to live with that, and all we are trying to do is work through the feelings to come out from underneath them! It would be SOOOO much easier to concentrate on husbands without the reminder constantly bumping into us. I don't want pity, I'm not feeling sorry for myself....and I am certainly not PINING AWAY for OM! I think those of us who have to learn to live near OM will end up stronger than those who don't. Instead of running from the devil, we are learning how to beat him...with God's help.

J

Oh boy! There have been a LOT of good posts since I was last here. I do not feel nearly as eloquent as all of you, but , hey, I am here anyway!

I hope I did not offend anyone with how I responded to madmax. I guess I just didn’t want him to scare our new visitors away. Thanks BV for showing love.

Madmax,

BV’s response to you was probably more appropriate. I hope you understand that we really do appreciate input, but input with love will go a long way. I do not know your story, but I can tell you have been hurt. I am sorry. I do hope this board will help you as much as it has(and is) helping me!

Onlywords,
You said,
I also have found, for myself, that when I verbalize those feelings about OM (either here or to BS) that seems to take a lot of the power away from the feelings! Isn't that a GOOD thing?

NCWalker and I were reading your post together and we both agreed that this statement is SO true. I am torn. I agree totally with your statement. I also agree with those that say we do not need to obsess over OM. It must get easier as time goes on. I still feel very new in the NC department. In fact, I think I stated here he left cell messages a little while ago. My H knows and we are working this together.

Onlywords,

Post what you need. We will all help each other. I renamed this thread (with input from one smart cookie &#61514;) because we are going to move forward! We are with our spouses now. We are soooooo blessed to have Hs that are willing to forgive us. It is a walk. I don’t want you to run away. Like I have said before, I knew we had similar issues. Let’s stay and help each other. Look at the people here who are so willing to give input. It never ceases to amaze me. Most give from love and wanting the best for us. Don’t you dare go anywhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bosstenor,

I am so sorry for the pain you are both in. I noticed Dday has been very recent. Give it time. He is in tremendous pain. I know you are too. One day at a time. Stay here and post. We want to encourage you.

Chackler,

Now I am going to have that song stuck in my head the rest of the day! Also the image of all of us getting into cheerleading outfits. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BV,

You are beginning to amaze me. Lots of good stuff to say. Thanks.

Onlywords, onlywords, onlywords!

STAY, STAY, STAY. Dya hear me? I need ya here. Blessings to you and RH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pam

Dhanush,
So you were SEDUCED into the A? Hmmmm...

by the way...."I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"

Sorry, I hope that doesn't offend you.

Are you getting my point?

Did that help anything?

I know it's early days for all of you.

I haven't been putting my sig line because it takes up such a lot of room but here's my story (brief).

A with old HS b/f. A lasted 18 months and I was totally, absolutely, completely obsessed with him.

A ended because he wouldn't leave his w so I had no choice but to try to make my M work. H didn't know about the A so I began withdrawal on my own. Withdrawal consisted of drinking myself into a stupor and going to bed at 8.00pm.

H found out and I was still totally in withdrawal. I said things like "if he comes back for me I'm going to him." etc etc

Went to MC which helped a great deal. She was very good and very pro marriage.

Came on to MB in February this year (can't believe its so short a time ago) and everything began to turn around for me thanks to the wonderful people here.

Believe me, I KNOW what you are going through, I know you want to be honest about your feelings. Our MC told me to be honest with H and I was and it was like turning a knife into him every time. But we are moving forward all the time.

Also, OM was a client of the company I worked for and also lives about 2 miles away from us. If I go for a walk on the route he takes to work (along the sea front) I'm pretty guaranteed I'll see him - so I don't do that anymore.

BTW the post from dhanush was the post I was referring to before. That turned up on Letting Go of OM as well.

Jenny

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>