broken vessel -

You are being so hard on yourself. It is painful to read. I hope that you will give yourself at least a tiny bit of forgiveness today.

Ladies - Today let's see if you can fill a little bit of your husbands' love banks. I have to go to work now, but will be checking back to see how well you did. Please write down things that you did for husband today.

I'm all decked out in my computer geek costume. They may not even recognize me at work. First thing, I'm going to ask for a pay raise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Of course I will send ncwalker his cut. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good morning!
I can read the strength
in all of you. it is with
each other that we get
stronger. the feeling of
not going thru this alone
is the most comfort for me.
I live so far away from OM
that I at least do not have
the visual reminder-but just
my memories-which are stronger
some days obviously. I woke
up this morning & said to self-
he does not deserve any of my
energy thinking about him after
the way he has treated me. I
am gaining ground-& MOVING
FORWARD-I know this will be a
good day-& I know the hard
ones are still ahead to continue
to test me-but I am so blessed
to have an amazing H & marriage,
not matter what I go thru-I know
that I am loved unconditionally
by H & God! please be open to
all stages of recovery-it is a
process....pal

Good morning from this side of the world. It was good to see all your posts this morning. Also, I am in a much better frame of mind this morning. Whew. Glad I got through that last night.

BV,

I am so sorry for your hurt right now. I don’t have to tell you how similar our OMs manipulation was. It just seemed real, and I know I wanted it to be real. The emotional was too far along for you (and me) when they really came on strong. It just gives us insight into ourselves. Sometimes a good cry is what you need. Then you feel like charging ahead again.

You are a strong woman of God. I felt that I used to be. I am going through a great book by Joyce Meyer on insecurity. Just one of her little ones. I am actually grabbing the scriptures and plan on learning them inside and out. I don’t want to stay the way I was. I don’t want to be emotionally weak and insecure enough to do that again.

I am not saying that is exactly what happened with you. I just know my own self-image has had a lot to do with it.

RH and onlywords,

Thanks for your support. RH, you are right that I was not the pursuer. After we had been physical a few times, I then did pursue because I thought I “needed” him. I was in so deep. If you look at my signature line, it finally ended in June. I did not end contact immediately when I told my husband. I kept it up behind his back. He will tell you now that he probably knows during that time when I saw him. I would come home and break down. Really nice, huh? I actually had my H comforting me when he thought it was because I was down about OM etc. I was, but still was seeing him. I am horrified at that now. My H is incredible. I do want to move on b/c he deserves much better.

Here is a section about my situation that might give you some insight into my story. He was my trainer(the goal was to lose a lot of weight and then stop, I lost the weight, but at a great expense).

He had already done and said all the right things we hear here so frequently. I just still thought we were such great friends by then. It can still be hard to sort out. But here is some of it.

By the way, I think I will read what my H wrote about links so I don’t copy all this here next time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Could be smart since I am married to the man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We had sex in his truck one time. The first time.
He wanted to have it somewhere even worse(to me). When he started to kiss me, etc, I panicked. I kept saying, "I can't do this." And I would pull away. He kept saying, "Yes you can." Back and forth. Then it got worse. Suggestions or better yet directions on what I could do if I were not willing to have intercourse.(You have got to remember. I was with only one man, my H, until then. Was actually a little scared by it all-dumb,dumb.) I finally told him I could not and needed to go home. He walked me back to his truck where he was going to drive me back to mine. I felt so guilty during the walk back. Felt like a tease. Did not want him to be angry.(Can you believe it?) I told him I felt like he was angry. And he said he was just dissappointed. He thought we had come to an agreement that we both wanted this.
Got in his truck. Felt like cr**. I then offered to follow through. I still feel sick about that first time. How could I see him in a good light after that? He of course kept calling me saying he was worried how I was after how it went. Blah, blah, blah. I bought it. I feel more sick over my stupidity than almost anything. I feel horrible over hurting my H, but right now I have no self-esteem. I still hate how he must think of me. Yuck.


How do I forgive this man? I asked him so many times to not pursue me b/c I knew I could not handle it right then. I know that sounds weak. I was weak. I am not proud of myself. I know I still had the ability to walk away. I was hoping for honor from a man that did not want to show any. Has made me take a look at H. I think I expected honor from OM because my H is so much that way. Thought it must be pretty natural for most men.


Bosstenor,
onlywords put this quote in her post

"I have to write to discover what I am doing. I don't know so well what I think until I see what I say." -Flannery O'Connor

As awful as it is, what is written above has helped me. It does help to write it out. I do not want to pine, and when I do, I want to be corrected. But for me, getting it out has taken away a lot of the power of the OM. Writing it out also helps me to see the truth, however painful that has been. At times it has been a really painful wakeup call.

I also want to talk about my H. Learn to focus again on my M. Find ways to bless my children and H again with good family memories. It will take time. At least it will for me. I have always felt I was a slow but sure learner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

A big thank you to all of you that are a little farther along!

I know I really need to hear the hope you have for our Ms.

I still can’t get that Mission Impossible soundtrack out of my head… thanks a lot chackler <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Blessings,
Pam

Ps. Hi PAL. Really glad to see you stuck around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Originally posted by onlywords:
" Pepper,

Now you're starting to sound like the OM...he thought he was THE biggest outlaw, done things lower than low, therefore assumed he knew what lay behind everything I did or said. That bugs me, sorry. "

Well.... I mentioned my former crappy behaviors to you because.... Sometimes WW will imply that because I have never been a WW I think I am better than WW.

So, no I do not think I am better than you.

I am in NO WAY an outlaw. I am a middle-aged woman with regrets. Average, I think.

Onlywords, I wish you well on your journey. I feel confident that you do not need me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

Broken Vessel,

Other than the encouragement poems I’ve send this morning, I’ve also send you another post on this thread. Please read it. I’m just afraid you won’t notice the thread before it fell of the page, so that’s why I send you the link here also. I’ll be back to post again tomorrow morning, so in the meantime, please take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Moving Forward.....My countdown has begun. Nine more days here then I'll truly be moving forward!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Scary and exciting all at the same time!!

Heh heh - still got the Mission Impossible song in your brain RAP? Sorry about that!

Hey ladies! It's another day and we are alive and kicking, which is a good thing!

Someone brought up what we have done for our hubby's lately, LB deposits?

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I watered the garden for him this morning.
  He's sick so I bought him Pepto Bismo so when I get home he will have some.
  If he gets sick I will hold his hair. He's got beautiful long brown straight hair - yum! Also I will make sure he's as comfortable as possible though that's hard when you have the stomach flu! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /></font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
We need a new song, we don't want RAP to go nuts with the Mission Impossible song. Any suggestions?

Another question where are you ladies from? I live in So Cal, right outside of Los Angeles. We are having simply gorgeous weather today!!!

Oops, double post!

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: chackler ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

I believe my words were Only, you mentioned in one of your earlier posts about how time will heal or it will take time..


in response to and from you I totally understand that, and I wish it would be fixed, too....but it takes time...lots of it.

nothing malicious..simply responding to your own words.

Good luck on your venture of recovery.I do wish you well..its one hell of a hard journey...and the hardest is facing ourselfves.

Max.

Hi everyone! Well I'm home from work. Took off my geek clothes and put on shorts.

Chackler - Good for you. You watered the garden for husband, and taking car of him when he is sick. That is a start.

I live in Southern Cal - Oceanside to be exact, home of the US Marines.

BV - Great - if you told WH thanks for tidying the garden and making him coffee.

Sorry you have so much ironing. You are a better woman than I am - anything that needs ironing, I give to charity.

I hope you are working more on forgiving yourself. I used to be like you - could not forgive myself for something I did, much worse. Finally I wrote it all down and took the note to church and laid it at the foot of the cross.

Anyone do anything for themselves today?

For me, for today? Not really but I enjoy taking care of my husband when he's not feeling well. Does that count?

chackler - Yep that counts. And tomorrow I'm going to ask you what you did for you.

BV,

I have been reading your stuff and may I say something - you are way too hard on yourself my friend. I thought I was bad!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know given the circumstances of your A it would make everything much more worse and I totally understand that. I just worry that if you keep being hard on yourself it will make recovery even more difficult than it already is.

Are you on anti-depressants?

Depression runs wild in my family, my mom, dad, both brothers and myself have it. My mom and middle brother have bordered on suicide. My other brother chooses to drink away his problems though he's not as bad as he use to be. I've been on ad's since my pop died a few years back but I had to up the dosage once the A happened.

I felt as if I didn't want to live. Not that I wanted to die mind you, I just wanted to go to sleep for a long time and let it all pass. Since my dosage was upped I no longer want to go to sleep, although I love naps!!!!

I'm just worried about you. You just seem so full of dispare and I don't want you to feel that way. There is a light, I sure as heck see it. You are a light you know... You have the gift of encouragement and that is a HUGE gift! You have blessed many people with your knowledge and insight on this board - time to start blessing yourself missy! You deserve it! Do something simple, go out and get a pedicure or a massage. You have been through hell and beyond, time to start taking care of yourself now so it doesn't get any worse.

BV, are you overseas? How about I get the book and send it to ya?

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

MadMaxx,

Feels like we're not communicating very well. Sometimes it helps to go back and re-read posts. I was telling another MBer to give her HUSBAND time...he being the BS. You came in and said- time won't do the healing, it's what you DO with that time- in response to what I had said. She was trying all sorts of things and her BS wasn't responding.
So what am I missing here?

Yes, the hardest thing is facing ourselves. let's do that. Me first!

Early on when I started posting I was in a state of withdrawal over OM. PEPPER asked me some questions. As I was thinking about my answers I realized that a lot of the feelings I had were a result of my foolish PRIDE. Do you know what was really behind my agony over OM????

I felt BETRAYED by him!

You read that right. As soon as I saw that, I snapped out of that fog pretty quick. It should be pretty obvious why.

Not an easy thing to face, but totally necessary.

I'm curious....what has brought you back to the MB site?


J

MadMAxx -

Oh, I found what you were referring to...that was on ANOTHER thread....no wonder I'm confused.

BrokenVessel: I think that is an excellent idea - to plant your burdens at the base of 'forgiveness tree' in your garden. Roses would be good too. You could think of the thorns on the roses as the crown of thorns Christ wore on the cross.

Good luck and God Bless!
RH

Hi ladies.

Hope everyone is feeling a little better today.

For trouble sleeping my doctor said to take Benedryl (the anti-histamine). I took one last night and was out like a light, and slept all night long.

Broken vessel - I love your idea. I would make a real ritual out of it. We know we are forgiven in our mind, but sometimes our feelings don't follow. For me the "symbolic" laying my burden down really helped.

Well today I am giving everyone an assignment to do one nice thing for hubbie and one nice thing for yourself. Is that too much? See if you can give it a try.

Hope you all have a great day.