onlywords,

Just saw your quotes. Cute!

You're right. Not one word about the OM in that part of the Bible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pam

Before I log off...

onlywords, it seems I need you to help keep me from being afraid to post the struggles of my feelings for OM. I know, no obsessing, but I am going to have to talk some of this out. If I don't it just stays all jumbled up in this head of mine.

Pep,

You are right about feelings. But I will say I am not feeling like I am there yet. Maybe I can practice!

What a great group of ladies! I am so excited!

Doesn't take too much for my emotions to change radically lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Good night all,

Pam

OK it seems my post, has upset a few.Perhaps I could have been a little more diplomatic...however suprise suprise... diplomacy was never a strengh of mine.Especially after witnessing the end days of another marriage lost to not the affair itself but the behaviour that packed along with it in the aftermath.( common in the BS 1 to 2 yrs into recovery)

It may also come as a suprise to you all, that I am in a strong marriage, we survived adultery, and we both are enjoying a fulfilling and beautiful relationship. My post was sent with love and a great deal of sadness, because I want you all to experience what my husband and myself experience now...if you keep travelling this path of memories of the OM.and podding and poking..you just wont get there.

I can certainly empathise with you ladies,its what got me through those first funky months of recovery..I also might add I do not for one minute believe you did not feel "love" for your extra marital partners..the term I use to describe that love is ecstatic love.And it is very real for you. Ecstatic love is overwhelming,and probably a wonderful feeling to have..the trouble is with it though is that it can't sustain itself...its too intense..it caves in on itself..its one of the reasons why affairs have a very poor survial rate.

You have found in your A's a new percetion of love...just like other WW's..hense why a lot of WW's do chime those words that they never loved their spouse before or that they love you but just not in love with you. Ecstatic love by the way flourishes to such an intensity because of a number of paradoxes associated with EMA's ( hense the term used here a lot of fantasy...and it is quite fitting because you have created an atmosphere where ecstatic love can flourish)

Only, you mentioned in one of your earlier posts about how time will heal or it will take time..its actually what you do with that time, that will do the healing..it wont happen by itself...for the sake of you ,your husband and your marriage..use your time wisely.

NC...errrmm I 'm a girl.

Take care of each other and take care of YOU.

Max...ps I was known as madmax well before my husbands adultery..its been my nick name for yonks...not because I am angry or mad at WS's or the OP...its simply who I am.

Hey Max,

I thought you name kind of meant that you were from Austrailia...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oddly enough I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well there you go! You Austrailian's and New Zealanders are straight forward people, I like it!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just wanted to let all of you know how much your dialogue is helping me through this difficult situation. i have been listening to what everyone is saying. I guess I haven't been sharing a lot because it is taking me a while to get to know everyone and their circumstances.

Runaway - I am with you. I need to get my feelings out too. If I don't get them out, I can't concentrate on anything else.

Madmax - I also agree with you. I hope I can eventually make something positive out of this horrible turmoil.

Oh boss - I just looked at your siggy, your d-day wasn't too long ago was it. It'll get better, honest!

Chackler

How long does it take because I feel like I'm drowning.

The first two weeks were the worst but then it started easing up a bit. It's no instant thing though unfortunately. I have my moments, every day but they aren't as intense.

Are you doing anything like counseling? Get a good counselor and if you aren't on anti-depressants I would get on those as well. Carol's mantra, "Zoloft is my friend!"

Also, when you have feelings for the OM try and focus on your hubby instead, I have found that that helps me out. Oh yah, and the occasional ciggarette. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh yah, read everything on this board. Another thing that helped me is I would go to some of the posts of the betrayed spouses, that would snap me out of it pretty quick. Also, listen to what people like Kiwi, Pepperband, Believer and Just Learning say, most excellent advise!

We started counseling last week and we'll be going once a week. I am also on anti-depressants. Prozac is my friend.

I know its a long road and i have no one to blame but myself. That's the hardest part is facing my own accountability. I'm probably beating myself up inside way more that anyone else could including my H.

Thanks for your advise. I have to go now but i'll let you know how i'm doing.

I wanted to talk about my self medication with alcohol.

The whole family was worried about me. Before everyone (kids included) knew about the A the kids both asked H independently what was wrong with me and how worried they were about the drinking. My mother thought I worked with a "hard drinking" crowd and that's what had pushed me into alcohol.

I still drink but I don't drink to blot anything out anymore. Just social drinking.

Boss, I know you think I'm being a bit hard on you but I hope it also gives you hope. The whole point is that I've almost forgotten how bad it was and how bad I felt. That is such a huge, wonderful thing.

Jenny

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Ladies -

Look at the number of my posts. I used this board to vent my feelings - from I love my WH, to I hate him, from wanting reconciliation to wanting divorce, then to Plan A, Plan B, Plan Me, blah, blah, blah.

That is how most of us work our feelings out. I hope you will all feel comfortable posting here. That is how you will recover. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Believer, you still look soooooo cool in the taped up glasses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I want me a pair.

Jenny

ok- I get too much from
the people that care to
go away-I need you all-
well not all...hmm...
my quote for bedtime is...
"life is not easy for any
of us. but what of that?
we must have perseverance
and...confidence in
ourselves!" marie curie
good night....pal

OK, time for me to way in with my 2 cents.

First to all you FWW out there, stick together as you are doing. I think that's great! Extra support will help you through this. So you can't afford to lose even one of you from this board.

I think this thread has been great except for one message. I also think it shows how things that are said can be interpreted differently by different people. As I was reading it, I did not get the opinion that these women are pining away for the OM or that they were obsessing with them. It is quite the opposite. The main thread (sorry for that pun) that binds these women together is that the OM lives so close and we -all these families- are not in a position (whether its financial, historical or whatever) to change that. So the triggers are probably much stronger to overcome.

Boss: Welcome to MarriageBuilders, a great place to be considering your circumstance. My story is in my tag line at the bottom of this message. My wife is onlywords. Her story is the 5th message down in the following link: Onlywords side of the story

Madmax: I too thought you were a man, I suppose the handle may have led me to that conclusion, but your message didn't change my thoughts in that regards either. Sorry.

And finally, the main reason I wanted to respond tonight. Runawaypot said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, I do feel new to this as some of you do. What is hitting me is what Dhanush said. It was not with love, but it was not without truth. I think what is really hitting me is the truth of how awfully I chose to be used. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't stop crying, and I am feeling like complete trash. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When your Affair was starting, as the OM was hitting on you and making inappropriate suggestions, did you think to your self? "I choose to used by this person for sex?" Because while it was your choice to have the affair, to agree to the sex. I don't think for a minute that you thought about being used. If anything, it was that you were too weak to say no, that the OM's line's and emotional hooks had been set because of the vulnerable state you were in. You may have thought this wasn't right, or even said no, but did the OM then keep right on trying to persuade you? I could be wrong, but I don't believe I ever read in any of your posts that you were the one to lead the OM on? If I'm wrong, please correct me. And please, please stop beating yourself up over this, because you did not choose to be used.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:31 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Good Morning All -

BV, your story sounds so much like mine...and I felt like the biggest fool in the world because of letting myself get involved with OM and when I think about the wasted time....I don't even want to go there. It's easy to beat yourself up for being weak...I did it too, and still have those days.

RAP - As Recovering H said, you did NOT CHOOSE to be used! That may have been what was happening, may have been OM's intent ( in my case, I think it was but I may never know for sure) but you did not ask to be used.

MadMaxx - I agree that we shouldn't spend our time "obsessing" about OM...Poking and prodding, as you say. I can see how you might think that's what we are doing since all you can see is what you read on these posts. But let me assure you that is NOT all we are doing! We are ALL working towards building a better marriage and that includes other ways besides working through the issues about the OM. That is only one part of the process, and if those thoughts and feelings keep cropping up, then they need to be expressed and dealt with.

Please try not to put words in my mouth....I did not say time will heal...I did not say sit and twiddle your thumbs and wait for everything to blow over.

Here's a favorite quote of mine that may help to explain why I think it's a good idea to express your thoughts about OM, about anything:

"I have to write to discover what I am doing. I don't know so well what I think until I see what I say." -Flannery O'Connor

Once it's out there, then there's a better chance you can see it for what it really is and then do something about it.

J

One more thing....

Yesterday, as I was considering what everyone said about this thread, I realized that the only opinion about this that mattered was my husband's. He is the one who pointed me to the thread, and I gave him full permission to read it all. RAP's husband also has been following along.
Now, I feel pretty sure that if they thought we were all obsessing and talking about how much we want OM back (which we don't), then they would speak up.

Back when I was keeping it all in, Recovering H prodded me into opening up, admitting what I was feeling. No, he didn't like everything he heard, but he knew it was eating me up inside and knew that the best thing was to talk about it. He was SO right. Yesterday I came up behind OM...he was on a tractor, I was in my car. he had to pull over to let me pass. I felt NOTHING...not anger, not love...NOTHING! If I hadn't admitted to what I felt, I would have continued to "feed the flame" in my mind.

Have a great day!

J

Onlywords,

You are so right, you need to talk about your feelings and get it out. This is also why these boards are here. You as a FWSs have the same right as anyone else to express yourself and talk about your thoughts & feelings etc. As a FWW who have been where you are right now, I can tell you it’s perfectly normal for a FWS in withdrawal and early recovery to obsess about the OM from time to time. It’s all part of the process and will get better with time and patience.

You’re doing good Onlywords - hang in there and keep posting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 07:27 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>