Thanks a lot KiwiJ. I will keep that in mind. Maybe just a little tired now? Ya'll keep this going and I will check in or "lurk" like some say while in Florida.

Pam

Ooops, I added more and you'd already read it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dear RAP, <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am FRANTICALLY posting this to you in the hope you will read it before you go anywhere. Incase you don’t I will send a Call out to you on the main board..

I AM EXACTLY AT THE PLACE YOU ARE NOW WITH REGARDS TO OM AND YOUR FEELINGS WITH YOUR H… Exactly, precisely, definitely, hugely, (in otherwords it is as though you are speaking for me in my feelings and M too)

I want to be honest with you totally, because I fear that in trying to understand myself and my position and how I was struggling in God, my posts may have come across as too ‘spiritual’ and it may have seemed that I was strong in God and doing well in my recovery…

I AM NOT, and I am prepared for people who want to send me 4x4’s in response to this post, but I would rather cope with that, then losing you on this thread because you think you are not coping as well as others.

I will share everything in the stage I am at now for you to understand this and to earnestly ask you NOT to lose heart.

I think we (some of us here) have come to a stage where we are ‘anxious’ because we don’t feel we can keep talking and sharing and being honest about our feelings for OM and our struggles within our M..

I thought that was the whole point of this thread, was to give us opportunity to do that and to MOVE FORWARD together. I confess that before I logged on this morning I was at the point of ‘leaving this thread too’ because, (like you perhaps?) I was wondering if my struggles had got to the point of not being able to ‘keep sharing anymore’ and thinking how much longer will people ‘want’ to keep listening to me. When I saw your post, I dropped everything (except my cup of tea!!) and am desperately trying to help you understand that I am not further on than you are in all this.

We need to keep this thread line OPEN to people who are struggling at this almost “stalemate” point in our progress. We know in a way what we should be aiming for, but at the moment can’t see any way of getting there yet. You said: (to onlywords)

“Wow. I know what you mean about the betrayal. Silly really. His W is the real betrayed one.I understand. I am happy it snapped you out of it. I am not seeming to come out as quickly. I am frustrated about that.”

I looked at that when you wrote it and thought “is that me or what” because it is how I am exactly.. You said to Pep ..

“I am still thinking about your words on feelings and letting them pass through you. How I am failing at that! Both ways! Not happy about feelings with H. Want all the feelings back from long ago. Not happy about the other junk either. It will really take some practice, but I have not forgotten what you said.”

RAP this again is ME. I have a ‘despair in me’ which comes out if you read my posts to JL on the thread ‘broken vessell with the dramatic…” You see I NEVER even experienced ‘passion’ feelings with H in the past. I don’t know where to begin in my R (JL helping me here), because I don’t have any ‘passion’ feelings to fall back on.

I am ashamed, scared and horrified at this realization but I don’t? How do I start? It was OM who brought out that side in me, so I can’t get thoughts of H out of mind with regards to that area? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

(To understand my mindset and how I never felt passion you will find out on other thread).

I don’t want H to touch me, be phys close to me or anything. Am REALLY struggling in this. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

OM moving away so (even though people will think am terrible for saying this), but I don’t want him to move.. I am struggling so so so so so much with NC. (16 weeks this Sunday). I want contact with him. I miss contact. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

There. Am saying it honestly and out loud to everyone, so you can all see how much FOG I am still in.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am still drinking to ‘numb’ this feeling of despair out. There. You all know now what a mess I am in.

I know I love God, but, this pain is hard.. (see, I am not that strong in God)

When I do posts and share my faith in God, in a way I am thinking out loud and trying to encourage others, and myself at the same time. (Remember King David when Saul was pursuing him in the mountains of Engedi I think)

It says “but David encouraged himself in God”…

When I read all your posts and the posts from others, it encourages me so much, because you, FL, Lisa, chackler and the rest of us are still at the struggling with missing OM stage, although you say:

“Also, I do not want OM in that way. It has little to do with him, except the feelings he stirred like BV talked about”.

Another thing I will be honest about, is that I do miss him despite everything. It was more than the phys, it was huge Emotionally, friendship, fun etc etc, Texts, phone calls,

Do you see how low down on the recovery stage I am with my H??

I seem to be at point blank at the moment. You said:

“I wish I could tell what my real struggles with feelings are for H. I don't know if I should really do that, or just mend it. In the end, it doesn't matter. I know. I am tired of him hurting. I don't want to be the source of that anymore. I know I am rambling. I guess I have not come to the point I need to.”

In no way have I come to the ‘recovery point’..

“I know I will get slammed for this, and I deserve to. I will come back and post more, but I cannot stay. I cannot stay until I can do this with all my heart. I am scared it is not in me to love my H the way he needs. We used to have it. Many years ago. I haven't felt it in so long. Why? He is so wonderful. I did not set out to do this. Really.”


I honestly never set out for it to happen in the way it did with me. You are a special loved person by many and by God,(trying to accept that for myself as well – remember by on going ‘self forgiveness thing’ and we both made a mistake. We are both trying to understand why, how, what do I do to cope, and will I make it anyway stage. You said:

“I hope you are not all too mad at me. I can imagine you "mature" MBers just shaking your heads. I truly understand. I WANT to make right choices. I feel so opposite of what I ever did before. Not neutral. Opposite. That is the nicest way I know how to say it.”

I think this should be a place to feel safe, and confident on this thread. I accept we need good, loving and firm input from others and it will help us on, but I also think if people cannot express their thoughts to us for struggling with the feelings we are doing, in a positive and caring way, then they will not be making a deposit to us in our recovery. Infact it will make people just want to go. I don’t want to go, I need you all and I need you too in this RAP! You said

“I am sorry to offend. Please know I am just expressing. My H is definitely better than I am. He is worth making that choice. Why is it such a struggle with this feelings issue? Also, I do not want OM in that way. It has little to do with him, except the feelings he stirred like BV talked about.”

(I am struggling so much with this… see my comment above). I feel my H deserves so one better.. Do you know I even pray for God to ‘take me’ and provide someone better for my H and kids?

“Now that I look totally looney, I will say "Goodbye." I will come back when I know my commitment is for sure and not so wishy-washy.

Our commitment will be wishy washy for ages yet, and I don’t want you gone ages…! I am not posting on this thread because I realize my ‘commitment’ is now ‘sure’ to H. I am posting to hear from others like you who are in the same stage as me where we feel we are just ‘existing’ and have no commitment to much at all at the moment.


Believer said

“Wow. I think that this thread started out to be a safe place. But turned out to be not so safe. That is a huge loss .”

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Please let it go back to this. If we can get a thread as believer has asked for, perhaps we can all continue still, but PLEASE DON’T ANYONE GO (really wish you would stay too onlywords please?)

You have no idea how much I think of ‘these strangers across the world’ who I have come to care for and NEED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE…!

I REALLY NEED YOU ALL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please stay RAP and onlywords? I miss FL too. Will try to keep in touch with her on her other thread. I wonder how she felt on here too?

Have to go now,

Will post later,

Please answer RAP and onlywords,

Kas

Hi everyone....not sure if I'll stay yet, but I wanted to say something to RAP...

You keep saying "it" has little to do with OM...that there were things in your marriage BEFORE the affair....

RAP, I know that, because of the nature of this website, it would seem that all of our current problems are a direct result of the affair....but IT'S NOT!!!!! It is/was a SYMPTOM of what is wrong in a marriage, not THE CAUSE of what's wrong.

I totally understand what you're saying...your feelings aren't matching up with your decision. Your feelings didn't match up BEFORE the affair, either.

I can tell you that for me, I felt as though I had changed, in a big way, over the past 4-5 years. I feel like a totally different person...and it no longer "seemed" that Recovering H and I belonged together. We grew apart.
When we met, we got to know each other very well. But we forgot that people do change, so we went along thinking we still KNEW each other, so we didn't keep up with each other...just sort of took it for granted that we were the same people we were when we got married. We aren't.

So now what we have to do is get to know each other, as we are now. What it sometimes feels like is that I'm trying to FORCE myself to be "in love with" this man, just for the sake of "doing the right thing". It doesn't feel AT ALL easy or "natural". It feels like WORK. But that's what people keep saying it is...WORK. So I keep trying, hoping that someday I'll finally understand what they are talking about. And also hoping that someday, it won't feel as much like a "job" but more like a "Career"....if you know what I mean. More like you WANT to than that you HAVE to.

Right now all I have to go on is what other people say can and will happen if you persist.
I'm going on faith....blind, but hopeful.

Right now, the most important thing is that you maintain NC with OM. It does NOT feel good. And I know that when you have confusing mixed up feelings, it doesn't feel to you like you are doing anything right...when I was deeper in withdrawal, I thought I was failing because of the feelings I had. The reality was that I was succeeding because I was not acting on them!

I admit that part of the reason I want to stay off this board is because sometimes a person comes along and seems to want you to feel like the biggest low-life imaginable...they want to pound it into your head that you are scum. They want you to feel the pain they feel. Misery loves company, to quote the cliche. I, personally, still feel sensitive to that, and all it seems to do is set me back...it's paralyzing and not helpful. They seem to be able to undo in two seconds flat what all these other wonderful women here have done to support us.

I don't know if I help anyone by being here or not. Sometimes I don't know if I'm being helped or not either.

Here's a quote I posted on another thread...just for the chance that it will help:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves...Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

That is Rainer Maria Rilke, from Letters to a Young Poet

Please be patient with yourself...to quote again, "God has not brought you all this way to make a fool of you or his plans for you."
-Joy Houghton

Julie

Dear Onlywords,

Just read your post to RAP.

It is so true what you have said to her, and is the same for me in my M.

I am working on this too.. (see my thread where JL & pep's input is helping me with advice) on “broken vessel with dramatic…)

You are helping people just by the fact you have said what you did. It puts into words what I am feeling to in my M and how we ‘grew apart’ without realizing it. We never kept up with each other either, and thought we still knew each other. We took it for granted (esp me) that we were the same people. We forgot that important factor of communication and keeping in touch and that we were different people.

I want to learn. I am having to start all over..I am starting in faith too. Thanks for your post.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DEAR Rap & all!

Ps Suzet has sent some lovely encouraging poems and thoughts on a thread ‘broken vessell’ in relation to forgiveness, faith, and trusting God. It is helping me a lot to read them.

Hi BV. I just spent about 20 minutes writing to you and lost it. I did it in Word, but I messed up copying it here!

I will respond later. My little one has lost his patience.

Thank you for your honesty. I am sorry you did that for me. You know you are an extremely special woman!


Pam

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by onlywords:
<strong>when I was deeper in withdrawal, I thought I was failing because of the feelings I had. The reality was that I was succeeding because I was not acting on them!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is SO true! The problem is not with the feelings we experience and can’t control, the problem comes when ACTING on those feelings.

Broken Vessel, I’ve just sent you another post on “To Broken Vessel”.

I hope all your ladies will stay here and continue to encourage and support each other! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Morning ladies. Well yesterday was a rough day on this thread. I hope it will be better today.

I hope you will hang in here. Many others (especially men) stopped posting after a few choice comments. You just need to ignore them.

If you are trying to heal, this is the place. I think everyone assumes that only the BS is hurt in all of this, which you know is not true.

strength in numbers-
we all have different
viewpoints-but yet all
the same-we cheated on
our H-we regret it-we
want to MOVE FORWARD-
& we can do that with
each other!
my calendar says this
today-God is talking to
me & all of you.
"CHOICES. life is made up
of them.chances are you
havent always made the right
choices. in fact,you may have
even made some big blunders-
the kind that hurt,destroy,
and leave smoldering ruins.
so what do you do now?
you make another choice,of
course. this time you choose
better.you humble yourself
& ask to be forgiven. you
walk up to the door. knock.
& then scoop up your shattered
heart & hand it over to God."
enough said...
blessings for wednesday...
pal

onlywords,

I just now saw your last post. Thank you.

I lost my train of thought. I am extremely upset now. My H just called. He is nice one minute, and angry and mean the next.

He says I am not doing POJA. I showed him how we have been(although imperfectly). I did resist Florida trip, but I am going. The other things we have been POJAing. He says it's not POJA if itis not done with joy.

I am shut down. Iknow that hurts him. But I am not blasting him. He is blasting me. I can't take it anymore. I am here. I am not with OM. I want to come out of this, but it is so hard when you are constantly told what you are doing is not enough. I am not being perfect by any means. I know that. It just hurts when I am trying to just be here and come out, however slowly. It hurts him to the point where he gets upset.

I feel I can barely breathe, keep my head above water. I am not proud of that. He says I don't know how he hurts. True.

He says I show him nothing that says I want this to work. I am here. I am not constantly nagging, complaining, demanding he change. I am quiet and not very attentive. I did do wrong when it came to this Florida trip.

I know he is in pain. I am not comforting him well. One minute he gives me a card, and the next he is calling me from work angry over something he says is not going right.

I will have to learn to be patient. I will have to learn to give to him more. I feel he won't see what is right. Only what was missing in what I did. I can't take that right now. Maybe that is what I deserve.

This sounds horrible. Please forgive me. Right now it is all I can do to maintain Nc. H yelling at me and saying I am not working on this hard enough does not help. Does he not see I have picked him? I am here. I wish he could see how hard that was. Forgive me BSs, but it is true. It was hard to face our M again. I want to do more, but give me time! PLEASE!

I am sorry. I know he is hurting. He needs to be allowed to express himself to me. But he scares me. I truly feel I will not do enough to show him I am in this. I don't know what exactly he wants me to do to prove this to him. How am I supposed to be perfect for him, when half the time I don't feel like living myself? I just wish he could see that. It is not personal. Just let me get to where I can function without crying all day.

Sorry girls. See why Ineed to leave a while?

BV,
I wanted to respond to your post with that letter I lost on Word. Forgive me. I can't do this right now. You are one special person, and please know your words have helped so much. More than you know.

i will come back when I can share something with a light heart. At least some of the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know there is a way out, but how? It hurts so bad. I can't seem to do anything right. God I need you so badly. Sorry all. Sounds way too pitiful. I will get out of this with God's help and some willingness on my part. Just have to get this stubborn girl lined up.

Pam

I am feeling like it would be so much better to not live under the same roof right now. That doesn't make sense.

Every time I see him it is a reminder of what I have done.

Every time I see him, I am reminded of all the things I am not doing for him.

Every time I see him, I am waiting for when he can't take it anymore, and he has to get upset.

There is such tension. How do you get through this when you are so worn out by just being in each other's presence?

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:35 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:36 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

My Dearest RAP,

I broke my promise and came on your thread. This last page. I am truly sorry I got bent out of shape. I am doing the best I can. I really did misunderstand some of the things you said and took them personally. It was selfish. I love you more than anything and should mirror my words with actions. Sorry that I fail sometime. I was on edge and should have been “quick to listen, slow to speak…” Please forgive me.

You said something that struck a chord in me, you said (probably going to misquote) “I chose you, I am still here” meaning not with OM. I do understand that. You chose me, our family, and what was RIGHT in the eyes of God. You have a good moral sense and you “chose” right for a lot of reasons, I am not the only one. But I am thankful that I am a part of the choice. I really am.

Please, listen carefully to what I am about to say. It is not a dig. I am not trying to be pious, or make myself a martyr. I CHOSE you too. But my choice was ONLY for you. See I WAS right with God and our marriage, I stayed faithful. And I was thinking of our children – I did not choose to risk the family with my behavior. So my choice to stay, to allow you to come back, was wholly for you. I am not unique. That is the choice of the BS – we have all made it. Why make the choice? YOU are worth it. OUR MARRIAGE is worth it. My choice is a demonstration of YOUR worth and ONLY your worth. I am frustrated that you can’t see that. You say you are a bad person, if you were I would have left long ago. You are a WONDERFUL person, you just made a bad choice. And in the aftermath, we have both hurt each other. I AM sorry for my part. I am not perfect, I am only your husband.

You wrote this stuff in your post. PLEASE PLEASE tell me what hurts. I will listen and I will do my best to not be angry. I can’t promise I won’t get angry sometimes, but I will do my best. It will be a lot of work to fix us and I am not scared of that. What scares me most is your walls that you have put up because of this mixture of guilt/pain/shame will hinder our intimacy (NOT sexual, I mean our connection) through this.

Here is what you wrote:

I am feeling like it would be so much better to not live under the same roof right now. That doesn't make sense.

I am your best friend. Besides God, there is no one on this earth who is going to be more selfless in helping you through this pain. Yes it will hurt me some and yes I will stumble, but you are WORTH all the pain. You are emotionally wounded and weak right now. What if you were physically weak or injured, who besides me would be more willing and able to stay by your side? Tell me what you need and I’ll do it. DON’T be afraid to lean on me. I may bend some, but I WILL NOT BREAK. Cast me from your light, that is when I will die, dry up, and go away. Not from you having to lean on me. You have let me lean on you lots over the years, at the least, let me return the favor. What better place could you be than under a roof where everyone LOVES you?

Every time I see him it is a reminder of what I have done.

That is something we will get through. Every time I see you, it is a reminder as well. But when I see you I also remember: our wedding day, the birth of each kid, our first home, talking about our dreams, and lots of good stuff too. We have done “bad things” to each other before and those memories have faded, this will too and only the good will remain.

Every time I see him, I am reminded of all the things I am not doing for him.

Use that. Don’t let the enemy talk you out of being a good wife for your own sake. I am learning that too. Perhaps a little too late. We can learn and grow and be better and move forward. God is just stretching both of us now. Don’t read more in to it than what it is. Be peaceful, do what you can when you can and he will bring us along. I can be patient (most times, sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ).

Every time I see him, I am waiting for when he can't take it anymore, and he has to get upset.

I will do my best. That is all I can do. Don’t be afraid to take a step to me. Just a little step. When we step toward each other is when the recovery will be shortest. You are afraid to step toward me (I think) and I get upset. Ask yourself: would I be upset more or less if you were taking steps toward me? I know it is hard. All I can promise is to do my best. I am going to fail sometimes.

There is such tension. How do you get through this when you are so worn out by just being in each other's presence?

Tension is a funny thing. If two people pull on a rope, there is tension. But strangely, if one person ties a rope to a solid object, like a rock, and pulls there is STILL tension. There is only no tension when you walk into the rope and not pull. Both of us have to do it at the same time. We are both guilty of tugging. Sometimes we both pull, sometimes you don’t budge and I pull, sometimes the reverse. We HAVE had some good days since D-Day. When we walked towards each other. We just have to keep trying.

I am sorry for tugging so hard today. I know it feels like you are getting pulled in every direction. Me, the kids, your own self. I’m sorry.

PLEASE try and receive my love again. It is still there for you and I will shine it on you as much as I can. I just made a mistake and got in the way. You really are worth it to me.

Love,

NCWalker

RAP, BV, Onlywords and so many others

I have been just lurking here a bit not sure if I should say much or anything in fact.
However, I see so much of myself in many of the posts, especially the parts in regard to underlying problems which led to my choosing an A.
I had, I do, have so many issues to do with our M , the biggest being loosing our child, I wanted to blame someone, I choose my absent H who was away fighting a war. So incomprehensible to my H and me in my spurts of sanity, but that’s what happened.

I see the same pain here in different ways and see the same sort of worries of hurting your h as I do. I see you dealing with the same anger from your H as I do. It seems I take a small step forward and 2 back. We have gone to MC , and IC for months, I still have so many insecurities, many that I created in the A.

But you see right now I can’t fight my battle for my H he is deployed SOMEWHERE again and we have had no contact. So he is probably worrying about what I am or will do, regardless of what I say, I can only keep a diary of each day and help show him how it is spent without him. It might help, who knows.

RAP & OW you seem to be in such a hard a place right now both of you. I can see the frustration and pain on both sides and I can’t help but think it is one of the important points that you have reached each of you in winning your H back. YOU SEE THAT WHAT I SEE IT AS, WINNING OUR H’s BACK.
Right now it’s like a hand goes out, you reach for it and sometimes find it slapped away. It seems that way for me in my case anyway. Sometimes I guess we slap our H’s hand away as well.
I hope this is all a natural process for all of us, but who knows.

Sometimes I think ‘YES’ I understand what he is doing and going through now, only to have something right out of the blue thrown at me and I’m right back where I started. When he was to be deployed again I guess I was at the end of my strength. I begged him in private and here on the board to give me one more chance. I surely hope he will do so. I am so sick at heart of hurting him anymore.

Oh did I forget to say I drove him away for some weeks, I mean he left the house, because, well everytime I looked at him he reminded me of what happened. I think if you asked him he would say it was for another reason that he left, but then I was very good at hurting him then. Not proud of how I got him back but he did come back so at least it's something.

But for both of you, though I have learnt so much from you here, if you need to go for a while then I guess you do. However I know that at least I will miss your commonsense and insights. So I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.

Always wishing the best for you
CL

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: crazedlove ]</small>

RAP & NCWalker,

Just have to say WOW!!! You guys are really trying. You are an inspiration.

Rap and NCWalker,

The two of you seem to be at the place me and Recovering H were when I came on board MBers. He was getting really really frustrated that we weren't making progress or doing anything to work on our marriage. I was still too much in withdrawal to do ANYTHING.
So there he was, scared to DEATH that if we didn't DO SOMETHING SOON, that he would lose me.
According to Harley, recovery can't begin until withdrawal is over. That's the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year!!!!
I felt like a loser. I was still comparing our marriage to the relationship with OM.... and it didn't make the marriage look too good. Yes, I HAD MADE THE CHOICE to stay, but , and I feel like a broken record here, ....my heart wasn't in it yet. And that is the part that confused me the most and the part that kept me from REALLY moving forward.

Like RAP, I felt tense all the time. I felt like I was being babysat, in a sort of prison, and felt really uncomfortable around my husband. There were times when I felt like things he said were meant to punish me, and that I was punishing myself enough...he didn't need to add to it.

One thing that helped me was to get out and do some mindless physical work....like gardening. I wanted so badly to feel NORMAL, even if only for a little while. It really helped! Meanwhile, though, my husband was in a panic....
I know it didn't APPEAR to him that anything was getting better, but I was processing things in my head. I should have shared more of what was going on in my head than I did, and this website helped me to do that.

NC, you made a good move posting here to your wife. I felt it was easier for me to express some of the hard stuff here....other people were here to support and cheer, protect and defend. I felt much safer.

The most important thing here is patience. Everyone moves at their own pace. It's been almost 5 months since D-day for us. I thought withdrawal would never end. it isn't completely over, but over enough for me to feel relief and ready to work on our marriage. I know Harley's book says typical withdrawal last about three weeks....but can linger three months or even longer. For me it was three months, and a lot of the reason I think it lasted longer was because he lives so close by. If OM's wife didn't also know, withdrawal would probably still be going on because I would be thinking there's still a good chance we could "get together" again. Not a pretty thing to admit, but true.

I don't know what else to say except that it's a damn scary thing...for BOTH of you. I told my husband that neither of us would probably ever TRULY know exactly what the other is going through and feeling or whatever...and I seriously wouldn't want him to feel the way I felt and vice versa anyway. So it's kind of fruitless to try to get the other to "feel your pain" so to speak. This isn't a contest about who is hurting more, but it can easily turn into one if you let it.

Lately I keep thinking about one of the last things Jesus said before he died on the cross...

"Forgive them father, for they know not what they do."

Julie

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:37 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

OnlyWords>>>>
Oh, my lord. I wish to God I could get you to talk to my wife. This is exactly where she is now! What you described in your reply regarding NC and RAP. My wife has said the same things to me. Every once in a while she break through and share with me how guilty she feels constantly and how she feels like a bad person. Then she'll close back up and go to stone again for a couple of weeks. She'll be harsh, even use bad language she's never used before... that just isn't her. She so full of fear that it won't work out that she will not act. She's stuck!

I'm serious about you chatting with her...would you be open to that? Let me know.

Left4dead,

Wow, that was weird...I get done posting to you on the other thread and when I hope back over to moving forward, there you were! I'm glad you came to visit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Would your wife be willing to come and read the posts in this thread? First thing that would help is for her to know she isn't alone....that is the WORST feeling, even worse than withdrawal I think! Because we feel guilty already for what we've done, then we still have thse mixed feelings and that makes us feel, well, to put it mildly,...like we're losing it!

Ok....it goes like this: Our marriage wasn't what we wanted it to be, and at some point we had the affair...let's just put aside all the reasons for now. Ok, we have to make a choice to stay in our marriage or leave. We chose to stay and try to work things out. But our marriage is still not where we want it to be. meanwhile we are still "reeling" from the feelings the affair brought out in us, and so it feels like we lost more than we gained by the choice we made.
It's scary....we know we can't go back to the way things were in our marriage, and we really don't want to because we weren't happy. It feels like we made a REALLY BIG sacrifice by choosing to stay in the marriage and we wonder when, if ever, it will be good again! When you are in withdrawal, you can only see what you've lost.

That is what she is going through. I know that may not be very helpful to you at this point in your journey....but rest assured, there are others who have been there and gotten through it. Others are still struggling. Really what we are all doing is learning as we go.

Time and distance from the OM goes a LONG way toward helping her get through this. The other thing is how you respond to her, and for that advice I would let Recovering H help you. I would say for them and you!), it's a bit like walking a tightrope.....a very delicate balancing act.

Keep posting, and let your wife know we are here for her, too!

Onlywords