Wow:
You guys must have ESPN, you're reading my mind. This is precisely what my W and I are going through. When I ask my wife what I can do for her to help, she says, I don't know
When I ask my wife what she needs... I don't know.
When I ask my wife about doing the things we've been reading about... she responds ambivalently, like she just doesn't care.
She says she loves me. She says she wants it to work, but how do you get from the point from, "I want it to work" to "I'll step out and do what it takes for it to work!"????

I told her I think she's waiting on a feeling to act. The feeling will come after you act. But, she lost in this malaise of confusion. I want my wife back.

RWS,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told her I think she's waiting on a feeling to act. The feeling will come after you act. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's funny you should say this...Recovering H and I were just talking about that! It's getting "spooky" in here) I was thinking about how your THOUGHTS are what control your feelings, and in order to change how you feel, you change your thoughts. Of course that's easier said than done. There's another principle in Behavioral psychology that basically says that if you want to feel, happy, for instance, then you ACT happy..ie, smile, laugh, etc. It will feel fake, yes, at first. But lo and behold, if you keep doing that, you will actually start to BE happy. I know it works, I've tried it!
I knew hubby needed some kind of reassurance, response, crumb, from me....so I PRETENDED to be loving and reassuring and strong. I know you all want the genuine thing, the real McCoy....and funny thing was that I started to FEEL loving and reassuring and strong.

It's kinda funny now to think about, but that was Recovering H's big gripe about me...every response I gave him was "I don't know".

Onlywords

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Broken Vessel -

Glad you did something nice for your husband today. That is a start.

I'm happy that everyone is still here. It is nice not to have to do this alone.

I was just looking on the home page, and came across an article by Dr. Harley about restoring the marriage. Here it is. I hope it might help some struggling couples.

Most affairs don't end a marriage. But unless the marital problems that helped create the affair are resolved, an affair can sure make a marriage a lot worse than it was before the affair. The letters C.W. and S.C wrote are proof of that.

Still, after an affair is over, a couple has a window of opportunity to fix what was wrong in a way that can make their marriage better than it ever was. But one of the biggest obstacles to such a recovery is the emotional reactions left over from the affair.

Ideally, as I discussed in Part 2 of this series, an unfaithful spouse should choose to permanently separate from a lover and return to his or her spouse to rebuild the marriage. In that situation, after a period of withdrawal, both spouses usually attack the task of marriage rebuilding with a remarkable zeal. Granted, there are scars, but the fact that the unfaithful spouse was willing to abandon the lover to save the marriage is usually viewed as an appropriate first payment toward just compensation. Especially if there is willingness to make the other payments, to overcome Love Busters, do a better job meeting the victimized spouse's emotional needs, and create a more integrated lifestyle.

But because most affairs do not end with a choice to permanently separate from a lover, the recovery stage does not usually begin with much zeal. Instead, it begins with bitterness. If the affair dies a natural death (the spouse and lover simply drift away, or the lover ends it), the unfaithful spouse wakes up to find himself or herself still married, but married to a spouse who is very upset about everything that happened. How does one go about getting that kind of marriage restored?

It's very common for the spouse having the affair to feel unremorseful. And it's common for the victimized spouse to feel that it wasn't his or her fault, either. So when an affair has ended, and a couple is ready to rebuild their relationship, neither wants to take responsibility. They both look at each other as having been very selfish, and they look at themselves as having gone the extra mile, with nothing to show for it. Why apologize for something that was the other person's fault?

There is a sense in which an apology is not really necessary. The only thing that's necessary is for the couple to take appropriate steps to rebuild their relationship. But an apology can certainly make taking those steps much easier.

S.C.'s wife is not sorry she had an affair. In fact she feels that it did her some good. She "finally did something for herself." That sure sounds like her Taker, doesn't it (if you don't know what a "Taker" is, be sure to read "The Giver and the Taker" in my Basic Concepts). Her Taker is only concerned about her happiness, and not the least bit concerned about S.C.'s happiness. It was her Taker that was doing the talking for her, telling S.C. that he had it coming, after what he had put her through with all of his drinking.

Taker's don't ever apologize. But they demand it of others. It was S.C.'s Taker that wanted an apology from his wife. It remembered that S.C.'s Giver had once told his wife he was sorry for his neglect of her while he was drinking, and now it was time for his wife to apologize for her offense. But at this point in their relationship, neither of their Givers are anywhere to be found, so there is little hope for repentance.

But now that the affair is over, does it do S.C. any good to try to pry an apology out of his wife? At this point, her feelings for S.C. are not the best, and any effort on his part to try to make her feel guilty will do nothing but withdraw more love units from an already bankrupt Love Bank. His best approach is to ignore the past, and focus on what he can do to start depositing love units. The more love units he deposits, the more her Taker will drop back and allow her Giver some room to maneuver. In fact, if her Giver shows up, she may surprise S.C. with an apology for the affair without him even asking for one.

S.C.'s best course of action is to create the best marriage possible by learning how to meet his wife's emotional needs, overcome Love Busters and create a unified lifestyle where neither of them would have second secret lives that can grow into affairs.

But in spite of what I've just said, I encourage each spouse, if possible, to override their Takers' instincts and apologize to the other anyway. The unfaithful spouse should apologize for having betrayed a valuable trust, for having hurt in the worst way possible the very one he or she promised to love and cherish. The victimized spouse should also apologize for having failed to meet important emotional needs that the unfaithful spouse had been promised at the time of marriage.

Why do I encourage an apology when the Takers are adamantly opposed to offering them? Because an apology is really in order (they did, in fact, hurt each other), and it also helps settle down the Takers, as long as they both apologize. S.C.'s wife knows that she did the wrong thing when she had an affair. It's her defensive Taker that will not let her apologize. But if she could let her defenses down for one moment and honesty express her Giver's regret for what she had done, it would give S.C. some encouragement.

But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any.

In C.W.'s case, he is close to having traversed the first two stages of marital recovery after an affair. He has completed the first stage by being completely separated from his lover, and he is near the end of the second stage where he is coming to the end of withdrawal from his dependence on her. Granted, he is still depressed, but part of his depression comes from living alone, and having a feeling of hopelessness trying to get his wife's cooperation to restore their marriage.

I think that both couples are ready for the third stage of marital recovery after an affair: Rebuilding their relationships. They all seem to be willing to negotiate, and are willing to let their spouses meet their emotional needs. That means they are no longer in the state of emotional withdrawal and are firmly fixed in the state of emotional conflict (if you do not understand the terms "withdrawal" and "conflict" see "Negotiating in the Three States of Marriage"). So any attempt to make their spouses happy is likely to have its desired effect -- love units will be deposited.

These two marriages are now in a position to be restored if the spouses take the correct steps. In some ways, both couples now have the same opportunity to solve their marital problems as they did before the affairs took place. And if they had done it then, they would have avoided all of the pain that the affairs inflicted on them. They are now where most bad marriages are, burdened by Love Busters and the failure to meet important emotional needs. So if they can toss off those burdens, they will not only create the marriage they need, but also eliminate the risk of another affair.

The steps these couples should take to restore their marriages are described in my book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love. It explains how couples can identify and overcome the Love Busters, anger, disrespect and demands. It also shows couples how to meet each other's emotional needs. But most importantly, it teaches couples how to create compatibility -- how to create an integrated lifestyle where dishonesty and secret second lives are eliminated.

The solution to most marital problems requires spouses to override their Taker's instincts. Doing what you feel like doing works great when you are in love, because the Giver calls the shots. But when you are not in love, and your Taker is in charge, your instincts will make matters much worse. The Taker wants you to get angry, be disrespectful and make demands. All of those Love Busters withdraw love units and also create defenses that make depositing new ones almost impossible.

Both C.W. and S.C. find their spouse's Love Busters coming between them and the restoration of love. But I'm sure that both of them are dishing them out as well.

So the first step in the restoration of marriage after an affair is to lay down the weapons. Each spouse must make a concerted effort to avoid anger, disrespect or demands at all costs. Every time they are together, they must do whatever it takes to make the relationship safe for each other.

Once they can guarantee each other safety, by protecting each other from Love Busters, they are ready to learn to meet each other's emotional needs. But they will have to learn to negotiate all of these issues with the Policy of Joint Agreement in mind. They must begin by guaranteeing each other that the cost of a great marriage will not require personal sacrifice. It will only require a willingness not to do anything that would hurt each other. They must understand that everything they will be doing in the future must take each other's feelings into account, and safety will be the guiding rule from now on.

With personal safety as the condition for negotiation, and enthusiastic mutual agreement as the goal, a couple is ready to rebuild. But that environment of safety may take a while to create. It may be the very first skill that they will need to learn before they can negotiate satisfactory.

Getting beyond this first step -- setting a safe stage for negotiating -- may take some careful thought and planning, but one thing is for sure, negotiations that are not safe or pleasant will not give you a solution to your problem.

The second step for successful negotiation is to present the conflict to each other with each spouse trying to understand and respect the other's perspective. C.W. has a need for recreational companionship. That need may have been partially responsible for his affair, and he would like his wife to meet that need so he will not be tempted in the future. But his wife feels that their time should be spent together as a family, and if he wants to be with her, he must also include their daughters. They must both understand and respect each other's feelings about this issue if they expect to resolve it.

The third step is to brainstorm without criticizing each other's tentative solutions to the problem. They should write them all down and give themselves a chance to think about them without dismissing any of them right away.

The fourth step is to choose the solution that they both feel enthusiastic about following. In most conflicts, one of the solutions will jump out as the right one, especially if both Learn More!

"Surviving an Affair"
spouses have given themselves some time to think about the entire list and about their conflicting perspectives on the problem. If no solution meets the criterion for "enthusiastic agreement, keep brainstorming.

The purpose of these four steps is to solve marital conflicts in a way that deposits love units, and avoids withdrawing them. In other words, the goal is for you and your spouse to be in love with each other. That goal is worth more than any specific decision you will make. But, you will discover, if you keep that goal in mind, your decisions will be incredibly wise because they will have the combined wisdom of both you and your spouse. That's the secret to martial reconciliation and compatibility -- to be able to resolve conflicts together in a way that meets each other's emotional needs and accommodates each other's feelings.

One final thought: How much time should be spent each week trying to reconcile? My advice is to spend as much time with each other as you can. A vacation away from friends and children is ideal because it gives you an opportunity to give each other much needed undivided attention. But remember, consistency is also important. You can't expect a three weeks vacation followed by abandonment to lead to reconciliation. So, I suggest that you spend a minimum of 15 hours each week with each other, regardless of how much time you spend in other weeks. And the time should be spent without friends, family or children, learning to meet each other's most important emotional needs.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:39 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

broken vessel - I hope it helps to read about the stages. You ladies are the experts in this, and it is a long, hard and lonely road.

But many marriages come out much better than before, and that is my wish for you.

Keep posting your feelings. That is what helps me.

Broken Vessel: I do believe it's very hard what we are all going through. For you FWW out here, withdrawal is hard too.

onlywords said:
I knew hubby needed some kind of reassurance, response, crumb, from me....so I PRETENDED to be loving and reassuring and strong. I know you all want the genuine thing, the real McCoy....and funny thing was that I started to FEEL loving and reassuring and strong.

BrokenVessel said:
Wow. Do you think it will work for me. I actually dont have to really feel the things before I do them, then overtime they will become real?

I believe that the more you do this, the more likely that those feelings will start to come back. If you continue to put your efforts in this area, they can then 'grow' into more than they were before. But for that to happen your H will have to participate as well. He may have to open up to you like he never has before in your marriage. I believe I saw somewhere that you posted that you never had passion in your marriage, not like what you ever had with the A. For that to happen, both you and your H will have to risk your feelings like never before. It all starts with talking to each other and working with each other.

But back to your question, yes, I believe that it can. And if you've seen some of the other BS/husbands here and the pain they are going through, could your H be going through this also? Would he accept a 'crumb' from you. I bet that he would.

Best of luck and God Bless! Keep us posted. We love you,
RH

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:40 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

If my wife were to start posting here do you think it would help? We are sort of in recovery, I guess... it seems like it changes all the time. Some good days some bad. She just has so many fears that it won't work out, or that things can never be normal again, that she won't really step out there and work to make it happen. She show signs sometimes that she wants to, but I think the fears get the best of her.

Dr. Gary Chapman in "The 5 Love Languages" says that the two kinds of people that have a harder time responding to filling their love tanks by their spouses are as follows.
1. Those whose love tanks are always full and they don't know really what made them that way, much less what will keep them full
2. Those whose love tanks have been empty for a long time and they don't remember what it takes to fill it again.

Howver he goes on to say, eventually if they work at it they can go on to recover by having their spouses be the ones to fill their tanks again.
And then the feelings of love return! AFTER THE ACTION, THEN COMES THE FEELINGS. I think many get it backwards. They want the feelings of love to come back and then they will start working on the M. It cannot happen that way!!!

Ladies, what are your thoughts on having my W post in here? I want it to be a positive thing for her that she would gain understanding and help for her here.

BV,

I do not think I can handle being here much, but your post really got to me. I am going to risk some 2x4s in my response, but I just can’t do this alone.

Last night H let me talk to him about some pretty horrible feelings to do with OM. They are all mixed up and confused as you may know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I really appreciated it and was surprised how much it helped.

It all had to do with rejection. There is a lot of pain associated with how I ended it and how OM responded. I have to get over this.

It is a real stumbling block. He did not see it coming the way I ended it. I know it made him angry because I had just convinced him I wanted to keep it going. I had ended it three times by then. He definitely saw the most “unstable” side of me. I had a huge war going on inside. I was never just committed to having this A. It was a huge war constantly. The OM got to see this first hand. By the end, and last call, I think he might have decided I was a little looney.

As silly as it sounds, the rejection really hurts. I may have ended it, but his reaction really tore me up. Like unfinished business. I know that is all okay. I know I am supposed to not care what he thinks. I have not been able to do that. Period.

You said:

I am trying to now work through the second stage of 'withdrawal'. I would say although it has been 16 weeks since last contact, my feelings for OM still, make me not moving on very far in the second stage of withdrawal.

Therefore I am still not reaching the third stage of 'recovery' yet and wanting 'intimacy' with H. (See my thread on BV with dramatic exit...)

The third stage is what I am aiming for, but I am still lost in some fog and withdrawal at the moment, and missing contact with OM.

It has been four weeks since I last saw OM. However, he drove by last night and stared right at me. This is not helping me. I don't even feel like I am having NC.

Since last night, it has been all out war here in my home. From both of us. Not in front of the children, but I know they sense it. We are fighting about everything. I just want to be alone. I want space. I have lost the right to have that. This depression feels all-consuming. I have no desire for any of the things I normally get joy doing. For anyone or anything.

I have been here, but my feelings have not yet come around. I feel guilty about this. Horribly. Now, this morning, I just let my H have it back. Lots of LBing to go around. This is very wrong, I am just talking when I say this….

I am wanting less and less to be in this. I will stay, but my resolve is fading. God help me not to be so selfish! Ugh. I hate how I am right now! I have no good feelings for H except I don’t want to be actively hurting him.

BV, you said:


I guess today I am totally ‘frustrated’ with myself for how I am feeling. You know, because I have shared before how I am bordering on the second stage of ‘no contact’. I feel so bad with this. I almost can’t bear it. I am still so ‘messed and fogged’ up. My head knows the truth, but my heart pulls me to want contact and to ask him ‘why’ and ‘did you really care?’

I am searching for something within me to MAKE me understand why I can’t feel any feelings for my poor H in all this..I am so sorry. Please forgive me. It must hurt to hear a FWW speaking like this.

Please understand I do not want to tell you “Yeah, go ahead BV. This is the way to feel and act. Follow your heart.” Not at all. But BV, I feel the same way. I am losing ground today. I have no desire to continue fighting today. I just want time. Is that wrong? Maybe. He is pushing me away, but I am pushing him away too. We are both hurting each other.

I have come to realize I still have a lot of letting go in my heart left to do with OM. Regardless of what he really “is”, my memories scream at me. Some of them(not all) are the only happy memories I have for a very long time. Okay! I know, I know. Fantasy, not reality. But the pull is there. The selfishness is raging.

I am not a complete fool, although my H would beg to differ right now. My mind knows better. I know the pain the OM caused me. This spot with H and I is really painful. I will stay in it, but somehow I cannot be what he wants now. In fact, all I am doing is LBing the last 12 hours.

I know my H needs more, but , trust me, NC and getting this old situation from consuming my thoughts is a huge success! Forgive me, please! I don’t know what else to say.

The physical is also an issue like you BV. The main difference is I do not feel neutral. I am struggling horribly to just feel neutral. What is wrong? It is horrible to not have the correct physical feelings for H. It is a very big stumbling block. I feel very defective, and H is tired of it too.

I am so glad JL has been helping you with this BV. The book Pepperband keeps quoting from on that thread is on the top of my list to buy, along with “Tempted Woman.”

I am failing right now. I am not happy about it. I want to last this out, but I want to SCREAM please wait. Just hold on and let me breathe. PLEASE!

But I have a lot of selfishness that has to be crucified. I have been fighting for my “rights.” I am confessing this so I can begin to lay my “rights” down.

I enjoy your posts BV, onlywords, and others, because you often say what I wish I could. But you also have a positive outlook which I have got to get hold of right now!

Blessings,
Pam

RAP,
I know where you are right now....I was there, too, for a good solid three and a half months. I was also dealing with what I perceived as a "rejection" from OM...and as BV said, wondering if he really cared at all, or was he just using me? I felt used, abused, and made a fool of. I'm not asking for pity on that, because I did the same darn thing to my husband! But that doesn't make the pain go away.
Still some days I get that twinge, that sick feeling in my stomach when i think about OM.
I also know that in the "thick" of all that, you have your husband pushing and pushing and pushing, and it does NOTHING but drive you away even further. I agree that you need a break from it....my husband got upset with me when I would go about cleaning or reading or whatever as though nothing had happened. I kept telling him I NEED some time when I don't have to think about this! To him it looked like avoidance behavior, but it wasn't. Fortunately he came to understand that.
I know that they want us to show some sign of faith that it will work out. But they ALSO need to show some faith in us, too....that for now, all we can give them is that we are THERE and not with OM. I know it seems like an eternity when you go through this phase, but it WILL pass. If someone had told me that early on in my withdrawal, I would not have believed them.
I keep trying to think of what to say to help ease your pain. The problme is that I don't think you're quite ready to hear some things, and that is perfectly OK! That does NOT mean you are slow, or stupid, or stubborn, or selfish....NONE of the above!
Just for now, try not to judge yourself for these feelings. Don't even try to fight them! Give yourself permission to be sad, angry, confused....anything. The more you fight this, the more power you give it. You just add insult to injury on yourself when you feel bad for feeling bad!!!
Please don't stop posting and expressing your feelings no matter what they may be at any moment. All of us FWW's understand and we don't expect you to be positive. If I had started posting before I did, maybe then you would see I didn't always feel positive.
One thing I think we got from Om was a renewed sense of self-worth. We used to get that from our husbands. Now we get from neither one. But what I struggle with is knowing that I should not be trying to gain approval from anyone else. What good is a sense of self-worth that is only good as long as someone else approves?

BV, you wonder if the OM ever really cared. What would it mean to you if you got the answer? Let's just say that you knew for sure that he DID care? What would you do then? And if you found out he didn't care....wouldn't that really be a reflection on him and not you? What would you do with that information?

RWS.....I think your wife would benefit from reading this thread, even if she didn't want to post...but we would welcome her with open arms. I wouldn't try to force her....just maybe tell her it's helping YOU understand her better, and she may want to see too.
Good luck....

Onlywords

RWS - I would welcome your wife too. This is a great thread, with many completely honest postings. I think it would help her.

RAP - Could you try some anti-depressants? They would at least let you enjoy some things that you used to enjoy. They have really helped me.

onlywords,

Thank you for your reply. It means a lot. I understand everything you said.

I am just tired. I don't feel capable of "doing" anything right now. Mostly anything to do with "fixing" everything and everyone. Including myself.

One thing I think we got from Om was a renewed sense of self-worth. We used to get that from our husbands. Now we get from neither one. But what I struggle with is knowing that I should not be trying to gain approval from anyone else. What good is a sense of self-worth that is only good as long as someone else approves?


I agree with all of this. I can't even seem to believe I will ever get to where it doesn't matter who or who doesn't approve. That is a big goal of mine. Self-worth cannot be dependant on any person.

I want to get to where you are. Where there is only a twinge of all those negative feelings when thoughts of OM come. Right now it has taken on a life of its own. I will battle it down one day at a time.

Pam

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:41 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hope everyone is doing okay. Wow, there are some strong feelings coming out here. I think it is good to get them out.

I hope that those of you who are not on anti-depressants will get some. It is alright to feel a little bad, but not this crippling devastation. I think about you all and hope that the pain will soon end.

Dear everyone...

I have had a horrible day. Thoughts of the Om keep tormenting me today because his work is in the news due to a space exploration thing. I want this to end. I get so tired of the battles raging in my head. I know I need to keep fighting them, and I will continue to do so but I get so weak.

Thank you all for being here so I can vent. I wouldn't know what to do if I never found this place.

Thank you believer for your support. Seeings how you are on the other side of the fence your words are very special and your hope is a gift.

Okay, I can top all these sad stories. If I can tell it right.

I was out going to MY gym this evening. Mark knew where I was and knew he could call, drop in, whatever.

On the way there, I saw OM again. He was in a different car. The one he uses when he is up to something so he can "blend." He was going right where he used to take me.

I know he is either a sex addict or just keeps himself busy on the side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I knew this already, so why the pain? Do you know how hard it was not to follow him all the way there? I could not look that bad. But I do think he saw me.

What a tangled web we weave. Me included. I called Mark and told him because he needs to know. He desperately wanted to call OMS W.

OM would know I told, and he could still say I was crazy, blah, blah, blah.

I am crazy right now. I almost did follow him. How sane can I be?

Anyway, thought everyone might get a laugh from this. It is hard, but what better way to get over him, huh?

Blessings,
Pam

PS I still want to reveal to his wife, but we kind of want to be able to give evidence. I am also not sure I can take it with him so nearby.

runawaypot -

Well the marriagebuilders advice is to tell the OM's wife. Hopefully you will get strong enough to do that.

Strangely I can really have empathy for the WS and OP. I guess it is because I have talked to so many here. I didn't used to feel that way. But I have really changed since being here.

My WH's affair started very innocently. I was at work, and WH was off on a Friday. He took our dog for a walk, and went down the street. OW was sitting on her porch crying.

Her husband had just been sent to Iraq. My WH, being the kind person he is, stopped to comfort her. This continued behind my back for about a month. Then the affair started.

So I know how people can fall into this. The end result was that OW's husband came back from Iraq and found out he had no job, and no wife. She even left her 12 year old daughter (who is the most important thing in her life).

It is just very sad to me. I was very angry at first, but could see how it happened.

So the end result is 5 unhappy people, not to mention all of the rest of the families. I am not happy, OW's H is not happy, and their 12 year old daughter is really unhappy.

Although WH and OW seem to be happy, I know they are not. My WH goes back and forth, and says he feels unworthy and horrible. I don't know how OW feels, but it cannot be pleasant for her either.

So all around there are a lot of hurt people.

believer,

You are incredible. You have gone through so much, yet all you do is encourage others.

You are the "real deal" when it comes to loving with Christ-like love.

I do intend to tell OMs W. I know that doesn't sound good enough. The OM still seems to have so much of a mental hold on me, that I am wanting to get a little stronger before I have to go through more.

In fact, I don't stop thinking about his W. At least now I don't. She has every right to be informed. I hate what I have done, and I see what he will continue to do. She deserves to have a choice in this too.

I have to get to a better spot, then we will do it. Preferably out of the neighborhood! That may be a long shot for now.

Thank you again,
Pam

PS I am so sorry for what you have lost.

I wish I could do something to make it up to you. From one WS on behalf of your WH. Wow. Look at what this stuff really does.

I am so glad we have a God that does not leave us to wallow in the mud.

He will continue to restore you. I know he sees your beautiful giving heart.