<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I saw pain and confusion in his face. Maybe he hates me for ‘telling’. I just need to speak to him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you don't. It won't make anything any easier or better. You won't get closure.

Keep yourself busy. One day at a time...Five minutes at a time if you have to.

Get throught the next five minutes
then the next five...

Just get through today...
Tomorrow is a new day, and we'll start over setting small goals

Broken Vessel -

What time is it there? It is almost 11:00AM here.

Have you thought about taking anti-depressants? They might help you feel better.

The wine can become a habit, and eases the pain, but I think in the long run, just drags it on.

Did you read the "message of the affair" post? Can you identify with any of them?

Well, last night was a very emotional one. I got up from bed to come and post and this morning I got up and read a couple of the responses to that post. The reason I came on this thread was to somehow get some perspective on something that, frankly, I do not understand. This confusion, fog and all the emotional labyrinth that my wife can't seem to make her way out of.

BV > I appreciate your thoughts and I respect them, but you were wrong on one count.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would be EXACTLY THE SAME. I understand how she feels. You expected ‘physical’ payment for ‘practical things’ you did.

PAYMENT BY SEX if you put it bluntly. That is a huge turn off for someone in our situation. It makes us feel used and we ‘are under obligation’ to do something because of how much was done for us.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You were wrong about that. That is not what I was aiming for at all. I wanted to TALK to my wife. And, no, I don't do all of those things just for repayment. I do them because I love my family and my wife. But, when one has been doing 98% of everything for about 3 months and you don't see any thing in return..... well, it gets a little taxing.
If I was ranting.... and I was... last night, I'm sorry. I have no intention on coming against all FWWs, I don't have to live with all of them, just mine. I'm just trying to figure it out one day at a time without losing my will to live!

runningwithscissors -

Would your wife come here and post? It might be of some help.

When your wife withholds meeting your emotional needs, trust in the Lord, He will not let you down.

I like to read the story of Hosea and Gomer, the prophet of the broken hearted, but also the prophet of love and hope.

Okay. Here it goes.

BV,

I am sorry for what happened today. You are too tender right now, and yes(as I am) addicted to see this OM.

I know it did not help. More and more I understand the emphatic need for NC. I am talking to myself right now.

I cannot get into all of it right now, wouldn't know how to say it. But BV, I saw OM today and I was worse. I didn't really buy the addiction talk at first. But unfortunately, it is true. It seems exactly like an addiction. I need God's help. I am not as strong as I had hoped. My family IS the most important thing. I HAVE to move from here at some point.

RWS

Let me say "sorry" on behalf of your W. I don't know what to say. Keep posting. Keep venting. You deserve your own sanity. You need the support. Being where I am now emotionally, I cannot truly give advice. But I do know it is possible for your W to want to stay with you desperately, but to be having terrible withdrawal from this situation.

It is such a selfish thing, an A. I can't explain all of why I did it, except I thought I NEEDED that extra affection and approval. Was so wrong.

Having said that, please forgive me for what I say next. It says how selfish we(speaking of me) as WSs can be. When I got into the A, I felt I NEEDED it. (I am so sorry to say these things.) I thought I could have this little "fix" then go on with my merry life with H and have no repurcussions. I didn't want to run off with OM.

The horrible truth is the WS does not realize at all what they are getting into. They do not realize that they cannot just simply walk away without any damage done. I convinced myself I could.

When you do choose to separate from OM, the bombshell drops. Reality hits hard. You feel like you cannot survive this. I DID NOT expect those feelings. I DID NOT want to drag my husband through withdrawal.

I know how selfish this thinking process is. Believe me I do. But if I had seen ahead to what my family and myself would go through as a result of this, I would not have done it. I have learned.

You cannot play with fire and not get burned.

I was given a book called "Secrets of The Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson (the one who wrote "The Prayer of Jabez") for a Teacher Appreciation gift. This was right when I stopped the A.

A chapter in the book is all about the discipline of the Lord.

There are degrees of discipline from the Lord:

Degree 1: Rebuke-"My son, do not...be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him."

A rebuke is a verbal warning, kind of like the still small voice that warns us when we are entering dangerous territory.

I chose to ignore this. I remember it, though.

Degree 2: Chasten-"For whom the Lord loves, He chastens."

The book states that chasten is often interchangeable with discipline in the Bible. But further research shows that chastening is a more serious degree of discipline. It states what used to bring us joy would bring distress, frustration, etc.

I got here also, but did not recognize, or want to, the voice of the Lord in this.

Degree 3: Scourge-"And scourges every son whom He receives"

To quote the book: To scourge is to whip, to inflict punishment. It is the same word the Gospels use to describe what the Romans did to Jesus just before they crucified Him.

This is where I had to get to before I ended it. The result is the WS has to climb out of a pit of their own making.

I guess my point is, your W is in pain because of something she did to herself. She is not capable (or maybe not yet willing-or a little of both) of taking care of your pain. She is experiencing the result of her sin. As I am.

That is no excuse to not take steps toward healing the M. But I will be the first to admit that I can still barely handle my own feelings, much less my Hs. That is not fair. I know. I don't know what else to say except hold on.

Please don't let the anger consume you. It will scare her away. I do this myself. She will run as fast as she can. She already has guilt. She is probably missing Om(unfair yes).

Get the support you need. Sit back and try to wait. She does need to move toward you, but it may be a while.

Just don't give up.

I know I have rambled here. Sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

God has just been showing me how this did not need to be so painful if I had first listened when He corrected. Instead I thought I Knew BEtter than God what I needed.

Be blessed. I want you to know she is not intentionally hurting you. Get her to post here if possible.

Blessings,
Pam

runawaypot - Thanks for your post. I am still having lots of problems with WH. But it really helps me to see the other side. Keep on keeping on.

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:54 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:55 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hey kas,

I don't know if I am going to be help, but I did want to say "Hi." I am about to try to exercise. It seems to be the only thing that really lifts me up lately.

Then I have to buy some paint for a couple projects I am doing.

You don't have to get detailed, but how did that particular evening go for you and H?

You are doing more than I in that department. But I intend to change that.

Pam

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:56 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

kas,

I am so sorry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know how much you want to contact him.

Does your H know about today? Maybe it would help.

He seems so consistently supportive. If anything, it might take some pressure off.

I had contact today and now i know it was not good. it is hard to talk about. I will, just don't know how.

I wish I could help you. You are so strong. You are stronger than you think.

Can you do something fun tomorrow? Keep busy? I can not stand all the thoughts, etc, when I am not going full speed.

Pam

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:56 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Kas,

Onlywords wrote:


I keep trying to think of what to say to help ease your pain. The problme is that I don't think you're quite ready to hear some things, and that is perfectly OK! That does NOT mean you are slow, or stupid, or stubborn, or selfish....NONE of the above!
Just for now, try not to judge yourself for these feelings. Don't even try to fight them! Give yourself permission to be sad, angry, confused....anything. The more you fight this, the more power you give it. You just add insult to injury on yourself when you feel bad for feeling bad!!!

Please don’t discount what you feel. I don’t have the “solution” except to say Jesus is still there. This is when you need Him the most.

I guess I need to hear that myself.

All your feelings are NORMAL.

Don’t beat yourself up. It doesn’t help.

I realize the desire to make contact before he is gone. I do believe it will help down the road when he is gone.

That is not what you want, and it is not really what I want with Om now either. But it is going to help eventually.

I have been thinking that today. I am going to start praying about moving. It may be a few months, it may take a year or more. But maybe that is the only way I can get over the feelings.

You are gojng to be okay. You are already on your way to being the Proverbs 31 woman.

Kas,
You are an INSPIRATION.

Yes, this isn’t how you want to feel, and I know what your heart truly wants. I know what you feel you have to have. I do understand. But we have to move on somehow. I am not the one to help you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But I do want to be here because I know what you are talking about. Even if my situation was different. The “feelings” are very similar.


(((((((((kas))))))))))

love you,

Pam

Boy!

My last post was confusing!

If your sleeping pills have not taken effect, maybe my confusing post will just make you so dazed that you finally DO sleep!


Whew! Don't know what I am doing tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pam

By the way,

Congrats!!!!!are due on you loving on your H.

You know, that was as much obedience to God as it was an act of love towards H.

God will honor that ,despite your inner struggle now.

Pam

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV,

Have to log off now. Get some sleep.

I will look for your posts later if you get a chance.

Blessings,

Pam

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

I just saw your post.

You are not crazy! Please stop saying these things about yourself.

The feelings are just not going to go away as quickly as we would like.

Some days it does feel like drowning. I will tell you my story tomorrow. I am too ashamed tonight.

Believe me, you would not feel so bad.

Try to get some sleep and we will both be better tomorrow.

No matter how you or I feel today, we will make it. We will make it if only because we know we have to.

You WILL be okay. And, if it is alright <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I will group myself in there.

Just hopeful. I want to make it kas. We need the oldtimers to help us. Guess they aren't there at the moment.

You are not crazy. You are a precious precious person. Let yourself feel, then maybe you can move on tomorrow.

Love,
Pam