Thanks again for the post you just did. I appreciate your kind words so much of encouragement.

It helps to know also that you are a Christian, so can share and understand things from that angle too.

Well I guess I will force myself some sleep and wake up in the morning and try to be positive,

Take care, and I really want you to know how much I have appreciated you being there.

Please tell me your situation tomorrow wont you?

Kas <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Guys and Gals!!!

Wow, I have missed a lot of activity. I spent the day canning strawberry jam so that took up a lot of my time.

BV, I'm so sorry that you saw the OM. I can totally empathize with you on that one. I don't know how I would react if I saw OM. Thankfully Los Angeles is HUGE! I had to cancel going to a concert that I really wanted to see because there is a chance that OM will be going to it. I would just rather not take that chance. I have also had to cancel going to a textile show because he might be there, though he would be the only straight man there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have pretty much decided to look for another job. I can't take going to work and having the memories of our conversations together haunt me. There are days where I get so down and it's those days where the temptation to call OM or send him an e-mail is just too much. I think if I totally remove myself from that situation I will be much better. Besides, my work doesn't pay squat!!!

I am trying now to focus on how this happened. I mean the OM fulfilled a need, probably quite a few. I find that this helps me with the withdrawals a lot. When I have a hard time I just think to myself, "What is it that I am missing here?" and then I just try and figure that out. I do miss the friendship of the OM, we were friends when we worked together years ago. Such is life though, his friendship isn't worth my marriage.

Tomorrow is the first day we will be going to church in a few weeks, I am very much looking forward to it. After that I think I will either be making more jam (I think plum) and hubby and I might go shoot some pool at the local pool hall. What do you ladies and gents have going on tomorrow? I hope that is a good day and the Lord blesses you continually throughout your day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ladies -

I can really feel your pain. I feel so bad for you. I wish none of this had ever happened. But I know that does no good.

I will pray for each of you - that you get through this terrible hurt soon.

RAP - Are you around?

Dear all,

Now morning for me. Stayed on pc till about 1am then finally dropped off for a while.

Thanks for your replies.

DearChackler,

Thanks for your encouraging post and for sharing your struggles.You said:

“I have pretty much decided to look for another job. I can't take going to work and having the memories of our conversations together haunt me. There are days where I get so down and it's those days where the temptation to call OM or send him an e-mail is just too much. I think if I totally remove myself from that situation I will be much better. Besides, my work doesn't pay squat!!!”

I don’t work with OM now more which I do miss (even before A started we had a good working relationship though)

He is moving soon. That hurts so much. I know it is supposed to be ‘good’ news if he is, recovery wise, but it isn’t inside my heart. (I know I am in fog lots of it)

At the moment I can’t ‘accept’ in my heart that when I stopped contact with him It would end up him moving and probably never seeing or talking to him again.

I thought it would move on quicker than this but it isn’t. The pain is still as bad.

“I do miss the friendship of the OM, we were friends when we worked together years ago. Such is life though, his friendship isn't worth my marriage.”

I wish I was like Boss…You have said a profound statement here. “His friendship isn’t worth my marriage”..

I will be praying for you that a new job opening will happen for you.

I am looking to it and valuing more than my marriage at the moment. I ‘confess’ my all to you guys because You are like my sisters in the Lord to me, and the only ones I can share with.

The contact with OM has triggered off all feelings (though they must have been dormant anyway)

Thanks for your replies Believer,

Your posts are encouraging me too though all you guys probably see in me is pain coming out through all the time.

Well I have to pay the price what I have done.

My feelings of low self worth, guilt, unable to forgive myself and not really contributing to helping H in the intimate area, are all my fault.

I am sorry for posting so openly and honestly.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Kas
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Broken Vessel - There you are! It is a little after 1:00 in the morning here. I couldn't sleep, so decided to get up and check here and do housework.

Don't feel bad about posting your pain here. You should have seen me a year ago - what a mess! That is why I post, to get support and help others. I know how painful this whole thing is.

Dr. Harley says that withdrawal should not last very long. So much for that theory.

Dear RAP,

Please post asap. I have to know how you are. I am worried about you.

If you are on your own I am concerned that you will get into contact with OM and get in such a mess emotionally like me at the moment. You said last night:

“I cannot get into all of it right now, wouldn't know how to say it. But BV, I saw OM today and I was worse. I didn't really buy the addiction talk at first. But unfortunately, it is true. It seems exactly like an addiction. I need God's help. I am not as strong as I had hoped. My family IS the most important thing. I HAVE to move from here at some point.”


“ had contact today and now i know it was not good. it is hard to talk about. I will, just don't know how.”

“Some days it does feel like drowning. I will tell you my story tomorrow. I am too ashamed tonight.

“Believe me, you would not feel so bad”

Please please please RAP if you are at home please type a post to me. I will stay on the pc as long as poss before have to get ready for church. (New minister starting today and I am going to find that hard to cope with) Have to go though.

I will come back on pc after church. If you are feeling as bad as me, than to be at home knowing H isn’t around would be a big big temptation for me to get in touch with OM. Don’t go the way I am feeling dear RAP. Please hang on in there, You said

You are doing more than I in that department. But I intend to change that.

Let’s try that. One step at a time together?

“My family IS the most important thing. I HAVE to move from here at some point.”

Me too. I want to move on. Remember we CAN BE THE PROVERBS 31 LADY….!

The horrible truth is the WS does not realize at all what they are getting into. They do not realize that they cannot just simply walk away without any damage done. I convinced myself I could.

I totally understand. I too thought I could walk away and be ok. I NEVER thought this mess in me would be left to deal with.Thats why it hurts to see OM seemingly just walking away and carrying on as if nothing ever happened. Hurts too bad to explain really. Why does he? Howcan he? What won’t he give me an anser?

When you do choose to separate from OM, the bombshell drops. Reality hits hard. You feel like you cannot survive this. I DID NOT expect those feelings. I DID NOT want to drag my husband through withdrawal.

Me neither. I understand. Wish I could go through this awful withdrawal without H to spare him the pain, but do you think it will help us? For me I would start to look to OM to help me again….


I know how selfish this thinking process is. Believe me I do. But if I had seen ahead to what my family and myself would go through as a result of this, I would not have done it. I have learned.

You are at the place where maybe I am just getting to? There was a time when nothing would have convinced me to regret my time and (love)I spent with OM. Doesn’t this mean if we at least recognize this it is a small but positive step?

You are probably more advanced in this recognition than me as I still want the contact with him though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope and pray for you. Please please RAP post asap. If you had contact already, please share. You can still move forward again.

Will keep posting and waiting to hear from you,

Kas
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Believer,
You said Harley says withdrawal shouldn't last very long...I THINK I remember reading that three weeks is usual, but that it can linger three months or longer, which tells me that there really is no time frame! It depends on each person, I'm sure, and probably the BIGGEST factor in how long it will last is whether or not you maintain NC.

RAP and BV,

It sounds like you both have had a rough start to the weekend. I do have a question for you both....Why did you choose to stay in your marriage?

Julie

Dear Believer &chackler.

Thanks for your posts. I know I must seem like some crazy woman.

I look at how strong and active I was for God, ie speaking,youthwork, childrens work.

Now look how I have fallen.

I am a 'fallen woman'. The type of woman no man should be near.

Other Man has moved on to 'something else'. Here I am left..

lost, broken, a physical and emotional wreck.

Once I helped others to learn of God's forgiveness. Now I can't accept it for myself.

I am a loser.

I have lost.

Satan has won. He destroyed me and my ministry. Or let me rephrase that...I LET HIM do it.

Nothing left now.

Sorry you guys.

I pray for you daily.

Onlywords, the question you asked. I chose to stay with husband, because I asked him if he wnated me to go, but he wouldn't even consider it.

He loves me and is committed to me.He wouldnt dream of letting me go.

If I went, it would not be to go with OM. It never was about that.

I can't think straight. Am tired. Have to go and come back later,

Kas <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Do not wallow in your mistake. It’s robbing you of your joy. The best advice I can give is to quit focusing on the problem (the A and OM) and work on the solution (to your marriage).

How long are you going to sit in your affliction?

Get busy, you are missing out on life!

Susan

<small>[ July 04, 2004, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Broken Vessel -

You are still being too hard on yourself. I think when you get through this, you will have a bigger ministry than before.

And remember, Satan attacks those who are close to the Lord. He leaves those who are not walking with the Lord alone.

Chackler - Canning sounds like such fun. Is it very hard to do? I always wanted to do it, but never have. Instead I buy lots of fruit in the summer and freeze it.

Today we are having a block party in our neighborhood, then down to the ocean for the fireworks.

Only words -

I think you are right about 3 weeks to 3 months. But it seems to me that it is much longer than that.

One of the reasons I think this thread is so important is to really see what these WS's are going through. I know it helps me have more compassion for my WS.

He is going to call me this weekend - he has something he needs to tell me that is very important. I think I will have much more empathy for him now.

RAP- Please check in sweetie, we are all worried and praying for you.

Hi all. Thank you for your concern. You really are a wonderful group of women.

I have never felt very confident in my abilities to write out my thoughts, and today I don't seem to have it in me right now.

I read my H's letter late last night after I logged off.

I probably deserve it, but truly feel alone now.

I have been keeping up with the posts (maybe I shouldn't), but I have needed to understand what my H is thinking.

He is almost correct on many points about me. However, I do not see myself as being quite as harsh as he portrays me. But my viewpoint is skewed.

Maybe this is what it takes for me to get it. I don't know.

I do feel worthless. I do want all the answers and approval that we have talked about here BV.

I cannot bare what is going on in me or on the outside right now.

I had one of those outward dialogues with myself this morning. I was talking into the air about what kind of wife I want to be.

I am so far from that. I have only loved on my 3Ds. It hurts when H thinks I am putting them in harms way. I am the one that says "Please do not argue in front of them." I do ALL I can to protect them because of the way I grew up. It is VERY important that they are safe.

I am rambling. Please forgive me. I am failing.

I am sorry. I do appreciate you all and I am not trying to take you for granted.

I just don't know quite what to say right now.

I am getting a ticket to meet family in Florida for Wednesday. H doesn't really want me there, but he said the 3Ds want me there.

It is so hard to go knowing what the atmosphere will be like.

A large portion, whether it is right or wrong, of why I stayed behind is because I could not take the anger and tension from my H anymore. I wanted peace. I thought maybe the time away would strengthen me. I could have new resolve in courage toward him even when he is hurt.

I also have wanted to see OM. Yes, that too. Maybe because I desire a "positive" ending to this thing. As silly as it sounds, I haven't been able to get around the ending. I am also addicted. It makes no sense. I am so confused.

I want my H. I want to feel for him again. Please don't be mad when I say this, but I haven't just not had physical feelings for H. I have felt a total recoiling in that area. I am ashamed of my feelings physically for H. I don't understand them.

That doesn't mean I don't want my M to work. It just makes it seem so hopeless. Such a huge mountain. And on top of it, I have a H that gets angry and I am a wimp about his anger.

He tries so hard, but I am always waiting for the other part when he is tired of waiting on me to show him emotions.

I realize my lack here. I do feel defective. I wish it could just be fixed. You know? I don't want to run off with OM. I want to feel for my H the way I feel with OM. I want it with my H.

I am not so strong when it comes to my H. I have all my walls up. I don't feel like I can or want to take them down now.

I am guilty of this.

BV,

You are right about how we just start from scratch and depend on ourselves. Have to move away from everyone else to start over.

That is where I am. But I cannot make it better for H now.

I have not done what he needed. I keep hurting him. I want him to wait on me, but I am asking too much. I am still very selfish.

Please forgive the ramblings. I have no one else I can tell. I feel so alone.

I am just going to try to go to God now and maybe make some sense of things. I can't do this on my own. I am failing terribly.

I am sorry. You are all seeing me at my lowest.

onlywords,

I don't have an answer to your question. I guess I have stayed with H because I know what we could be. I know that God has always had a future for us, even if we are not there right now. I am not here because of feelings. I am here because of a small hope for our future.

Thanks for all the help. Sorry you have to see allthis mess!

Pam

RAP-

Well there you are! I was very worried about you. Especially after nc said he left his ring and a letter.

On the bright side <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> your husband still thinks you are a little hottie. Wish mine felt like that.

Your feelings of recoiling are completely normal, and to be expected. That must be very scarey for you. But most women go through that. You will get over it.

You need to maintain NC with OM to get healthy again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I am worried that you may have slipped. But you do not need to let us know. We care about you, you are a good woman, you can do this, you can do this.

You are "addicted", but addicts overcome every day. Please forgive yourself. You did not mean for this to happen. I understand that.

Can you tell us more about your childhood?

Thanks for coming back here. Now we can all relax.

believer,

I will tell everything. I have to sort it out, but I will tell you all.

I am so sorry for all YOU have been through. You deserve a very happy life.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day!
Pam

Onlywords,

are you there? I would like to talk to you if you have the time.

Pam

RAP- I am so glad to hear from you. I don't think my story will turn out as good as yours. WH is still deeply involved with OW. I really have no hope left.

believer,

I am so sorry. I have been catching up on your thread.

Please don't put yourself out there. You deserve a happy life.

Your husband's self-esteem is a problem as you mentioned. He will not end up happy with anyone until that is resolved.

He will realize what he lost one day. But you deserve a life NOW.

You are such a blessing to me and others.

I hope you can see possibility for your future and not worry about the mess he has tried to leave.

((((((believer)))))

Pam

Dear RAP,

Have only just been able to log on. Eldest son has been on pc for 3 hours at least.

Was so glad to see your post. I mean really glad! I mean really really glad!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey, you will make it. You are trying to sort it out in your mind. That can only be a positive thing as I tell myself as well.

I panicked a bit when I saw you had stayed behind. I guess I was worried. You haven’t told me what you were going to though?? Please open up about it if you are able to?

I guess as I am feeling the same as you, it seems hard for me to offer any hope, yet I keep trying as you do with me! It is a daily thing to do this. It is a daily thing to make it in this day. We are both at the same stage. Please keep posting and being honest. I will too if you do! You said:


A large portion, whether it is right or wrong, of why I stayed behind is because I could not take the anger and tension from my H anymore. I wanted peace. I thought maybe the time away would strengthen me. I could have new resolve in courage toward him even when he is hurt.

I also have wanted to see OM. Yes, that too. Maybe because I desire a "positive" ending to this thing. As silly as it sounds, I haven't been able to get around the ending. I am also addicted. It makes no sense. I am so confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

If you had to put the above two reasons you gave for staying behind in order of ‘honesty’ which would you put first? I will share what I would say. I would have put your second reason first if it was me in the situation, because I still want to see OM and ‘get around’ the ending. I keep seeing his face from yesterday. How could he just move on and move away as if nothing happened?

I can’t understand it. It hurts so much. How can he just be ‘ministering’ to others when I have been left a wreck?? I think he is glad of ‘no contact’ because it means I am not ‘in the way’ and a ‘problem’ any more to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yet I don’t want to believe that. Maybe I have him wrong. My H says I haven’t. That is exactly what he is doing…Moving on, and I was a ‘disposeable’ temporary need being met ‘thing’.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I can’t accept that in my heart. Surely not. I don’t know what to believe. If I did talk to him he would either ‘be angry and distant and cold’ with me because I confessed, or he would say he ‘still cares but knew it was wrong so had to move on’. My H believes he will tell anything to not lose face, and I have to accept the truth about what he was (and is) really like. H says if he was really ‘repentant’ he wouldn’t still be trying to help others, or encouraging others to still ‘follow him’.

I am in such confusion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


I want my H. I want to feel for him again. Please don't be mad when I say this, but I haven't just not had physical feelings for H. I have felt a total recoiling in that area. I am ashamed of my feelings physically for H. I don't understand them.

You know this is me exactly. I am now though in a state of total confusion as to OM.

I realize my lack here. I do feel defective. I wish it could just be fixed. You know? I don't want to run off with OM. I want to feel for my H the way I feel with OM. I want it with my H.

So do I, but like you it seems like a huge mountain. Knowing where to even start.


Please forgive the ramblings. I have no one else I can tell. I feel so alone.

Please keep posting. You are not rambling. You need to talk to vent how you are. I have to as well.

I don't have an answer to your question. I guess I have stayed with H because I know what we could be. I know that God has always had a future for us, even if we are not there right now. I am not here because of feelings. I am here because of a small hope for our future.
That is how I feel to.


I will be online for a while until I finally drop off again with my tablets.


Please take care & keep posting and sharing.

Kas
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear Believer,

I feel too ashamed to really be posting on here.

Here I am venting all my feelings, and you are such a kind warm and gentle person, who always replies to us on this thread, yet your heart is being torn apart by your H.

I am just so sad for you and sorry for how I am.

You are like a big sister on this thread, checking in on us, replying to me today, and caring for us all so much, yet you are in such pain.

I do feel ashamed for being on this thread.

I am so sorry for your pain.

Kas <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

RAP,
Yes, I am here....I keep checking in to see if you are ok....I try to stay out of things somewhat, because the answers will come to you as you are ready for them. All this "rambling" you are doing is not pointless, and it WILL lead you to the answers, as long as you are honest with yourself. But if you need to ask me something, I'll be completely honest with you, even if it makes me "look" bad.
Just for the record....I haven't said this before....but I have also felt "repulsed" by my husband. I didn't tell him that, because I was sure it wasn't because he IS repulsive. I'm not sure where that comes from. But it has subsided.
I'll check back later to see if you've posted.

Julie