RAP,


P.S. - Fire is a purifying agent. God uses it to purify us. The enemy (satan) uses it to kill us, only he gets us to do it to ourselves.

RAP:
I am so sorry that it is seeming so dark right now.
Please remember 2 things:
Men DO feel differently about SF/love/affection than women do. That does not make it wrong. I think too many women look at a man's thinking as somehow less evolved, and that we somehow need to be "educated" in the right way - the woman's way?
That is extremely invalidating and disrespectful.

The other thing is that your H is human, and is prone to make mistakes, too. You are ultimately seeking latitude for the mistake you have made, the fact that you lost your own moral compass and sense of identity. You know the struggle is hard, and you want some slack for the failures you encounter.
I absolutely agree, but I also say give your H the same slack you seek. He is very wounded right now. He feels totally rejected, which he is desperately trying to process. When I felt rejected, I felt that I somehow deserved the rejection, because I was not good enough. Then, when I tried to be better but it wasn't still good enough to "win" my WW over, I felt despair - an utter failure. I tried to understand what she was going through, I tried to be patient, but it was just too hard.

I saw life passing me by. It dawned on me one day that I won't live for ever. Was I going to pass what time I do have waiting for the unattainable? In my dark lonliness, I felt as though it was time to recognize the obvious - that my W was not going to ever feel *that way* for me, and if I ever wanted to have someone feel *that way*, I'd have to look while I still had the time. Gradually, my own feelings for my W started to subside.

Now, the tables are reversed. My WW is the one who is trying so hard to get me back, but I am just not there. I wonder if I've made a terrible mistake, or if I am now. Part of me was so, so terribly hurt by her that no matter what she does it cannot make up for the past (and believe me, since her epiphany last month, she is desperately trying). I fear that if I go back and she rejects me again, it will kill me.

Part of me is, I am ashamed to admit, too prideful to go back. It's as though I lose and she wins.

Part of it is fear that I can't do this. That my own failings will once again drive her into the arms of another. I am still not worthy.

Maybe I am making a huge mistake. I can see that; I just can't stop myself.

Don't expect your BS to be without their own mistakes, and don't hold them to a higher standard. Maybe you think he didn't cheat and is therefore better, but he's not. We're not. Sometimes I think WSs do hold their spouses to a higher standard, both before the A and afterwards. You cannot do that. You must give to him the same latitude for failing as you need for yourself.

Dear RAP,

Are you there? Can you post and say what is happening?

Have you had more contact today??

Please post and talk it over with us.

Don't stay on your own in that house.

Satan will give you a field day in this. You DONT HAVE TO LET HIM.

Even now stop and walk away...

Kas

RAP - Please come and post. We are here wondering what is happening with you. Me and broken vessel are liable to hit the wine again if we don't hear from you.

I am here today-just getting
caught up.
RAP-
I am thinking of you. Praying
God will touch your heart with
his love and grace. Your H has
been away from you-anger is
built up easily when person is
not around. When you see each
other-you 2 need to have an open
conversation. Like 2 adults-
no anger-just compassion. think
of your life w/o him,w/o kids.
remember why you fell in love w/
H is 1st place-fill your mind w/
love for him, he still loves you.
Life really tests us-& I know-
and all your friends here know-
that right now you are being
tested-let us help you- keep
posting-we want to know you are
OK, OK?
"for our God makes only one demand
upon us. He does not expect a
humanly unattainable completeness
and perfection, but only the willingness
to do as much as we possibly can at
every single instant"
my hug for you today....
pal

I don't post much but I read posts now and then, mainly to help me get through the rough times. It's been over a year past DD. I had an EA and PA with my HS XBF which lasted 8/02-6/03. What a fall I took! I was so stupid, so thoughtless, so uncaring to my family. I wanted to let OM go and tried to push him away several times, but I was addicted and weakened by everything he told me and promised me.

Last June (DDay) I felt OM's distance and had a hunch. He had his profile on a dating site (he was in process of D). I confronted him via phone (he lives 2 hrs away) and just said he knew for some time that it was over, no apologies, nothing. He used the same lines and things we shared with his new "dates." I know I deserved this but the pain was overbearing as most of you can relate.

The first 7 months I went through serious withdrawal and was getting repetitive hang up calls at home and at the office. I knew it had to be OM. I was trying desparately to salvage my M and my wonderful H. I stayed busy with my family and put so much effort into being a better mom, wife and Christian, but the hang ups didn't help.

Every day I still think of OM and somedays it hurts more than others. All I keep thinking is how much fun he is having with other women while I'm still hurting and still feeling the pain over what I did and he never showed any remorse. But then I remind myself of what I almost gave up. I believe God was with me and guiding me but mainly teaching me a valuable lesson. My oldest son and I were having dinner the other night and I really looked at him and thought, "You are such a handsome young man and I love you and our family so much. How could I have done this to you and almost broken our family and caused you so much pain?" It still tears at my heart.

Since DD, H and I have focused on each other--date nights, snuggles, warm exchanges every day via email. I still carry pain deep inside but remind myself that I didn't get into the mess easily and I can't get out of it easily. My mind wanders a lot but one main thing that has helped is keeping my mind focused on everything but OM. Hey, I'm taking an advanced math class this summer. You wouldn't believe how math problems can get your mind off your problems...LOL!

I will pray for all of you and hope you are getting through tough times as I still am. Remember, divorce wasn't in God's plan but a beautiful and memorable marriage is.

no1mystryf
Christian Rock - Audio Adrenaline "Your sins are forgotten. They lay on the bottom of the ocean floor."

no1mystryf,

Thanks for sharing that lovely story. These women need to hear that. We know it's not easy, they just need to focus on what they need to do, not on what they lost.

All FWW: You must look forward to move forward. As long as you look to the past you will not be able to see the future. You have much work ahead of you. Why not, turn your head and start walking it out. Good luck!

RH

<small>[ July 05, 2004, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

no1 - Welcome to this thread. I am the BS, but started posting here somehow. There is a great group of women fighting the same battle you are, and believe me, your input and support is much needed and appreciated.

RAP- I believe that you are reading but not posting. Please join us.

Recovering H,
Thanks for your kind thoughts. My story certainly isn't "lovely" but I'm hoping in due time my M and my life will be lovely again with little to no internal pain. In this thread someone mentioned how you mentally assign events by "before and after" the A. I know exactly how that feels. I wish I could live my life the way it was before A began. My BIGGEST REGRET in life is having an A with XBF. I always wondered about him over the years. Our teenage story was never finished but believe me...I definitely have closure. It's interesting how we (WS) see the OMs for who they really are after the fog has lifted. Recovering H, I read your story and hope that WW comes to her senses soon. I looked at the list you gave on what I was feeling during the A. When I read it, all I could think of was my family who I have hurt.

Believer,
I'm not all completely familiar with your story, only that you are a BS. I hope you are in recovery and working through the difficult times. Please give me an update and I'll try to help you if I can.

Back to more math problems.....

No1
Christian Rock - Audio Adrenaline "Your sins are forgotten. They lay on the bottom of the ocean floor."

Hi everyone.

I am sorry I have taken so long to come back. Was back and forth with H on the phone until about 2:30 am.

Got up and did housework and "avoided" coming here.

I have read Hs posts and these.

I saw OM on Saturday.

I have not seen him since, and I will not be seeing him before I get with my family.

That is the truth. MOstly because he doesn't need to see me that much, and he does pick his family over me.

I don't have anything redeeming to say. I am truly sorry for what I have done to my H and my family. I am sorry what I have done to my friends here. That doesn't make the pain go away. Just words.

My H wants me to go live in Florida with FIL and 3Ds. I understand.

While he was home for all of June (and we were all together) I never saw OM. True, he did call.

I felt safe and accountable with H here. He won't do that again.

It probably doesn't matter how I feel about living with FIL. I would like H to give it one last shot here. I want my 3Ds to be in their home. I want to be in my home.

My eyes are open. I am numb, but my eyes are open. I would allow H to have complete and full access to my whereabouts if we could stay. Whatever he wants including no gym. I just don't want to have to live with FIL. We are not close, he is wonderful, but he doesn't think a whole lot of women. He treats them with respect, don't get me wrong. But it comes out.

Now that he knows (and I don't fault H for telling), I can't imagine living with him. What could he possibly think of a woman that would do this to his son? He is not my family. A GREAT man, but I can't imagine having to face him every day.

GRow up, right? Well, that is true.

H said he will not bring 3Ds back (possibly) if I don't go down there to live. I think he will take them from me. I love them with all my heart. Yes, I a have failed MISERABLY, but they are my children. I have NEVER done anything to put them in any harms way.

I have destroyed my family. I have totally destroyed it.

I am sorry if you all feel taken advantage of. That was not my intention. I see you as friends and really have depended on you being there. Thank you. Thank you for being there for NCW when I have not.

I was truly glad to not see or be with OM since the beginning of June. Yes, it felt horrible. HOrrible. But the sane part of me was happy to make the baby steps. I am telling the truth here. My spirit was happy even when my flesh was SCREAMing.

My huge mistake was staying behind. I wanted closure. I got more than closure. I was physical with OM again, but not in our bedroom. Somehow that made it better in my twisted brain.

I thought I would get closure without SF. Well, I did it again. I even tried to say no, but that is another ridiculous story. I am not happy about it.

I even remember wishing H was here on Sunday so I could get a move on this separation thing. I regretted it the moment I did it. I definitely wanted to(I won't lie), but then realized (after going all of JUne) that the time in June brought more joy because I was choosing family.

It may not make sense. I allowed a quick fix, and then I felt sick.

onlywords,

I have never ever felt OM would choose me over W. That really is not it. I am afraid of OMs response to A being revealed. A little scared maybe. Maybe no need to.

The real fear is because I know I am not that important to OM, and after the reveal, I would feel just plain stupid. He likes me, but no loss to him if I am not around.

His W needs to know. It will happen. No doubt.

I have realized how much I have done wrong. Maybe too late. H does deserve better.

I don't ever expect you all to think anything of me, but please know I have been as truthful as I could when I have posted, and all the feelings you have seen here have been real.

I have been weak and selfish. Thank you for being there, especially for NCW.

I want my marriage to work. I don't know if it will, but I am not done yet.

Pam

Well, there you are my girl. Of course we still care about you. We have been suffering, not hearing from you. In fact, me, and probably BV have been hitting the wine big time.

Okay, you you fell off the NC wagon. That is not good, but expected. You are a good woman, making poor choices. Your OM's wife needs to be notified. Her health and safety are endangered. Plus she needs to know the kind of man she is married to, so she can make her own choices.

My WH was carrying on his affair for about 4 months before I knew about it. People at work new, his kids knew, his family knew, and neighbors knew. No one had the decency to tell me.

I knew things were not good, but WH kept telling me they would get better. I believed him.

My advice to you is you need to start honoring your marriage. I don't care if you do not "feel" like doing it. Just do it. You two CAN get through this. Your husband still loves you, and I know you are a good mom.

So suck it up. Do not go live with your FIL. Stay in your house and be a wife to your H. You need to make the choice to be committed to your marriage.

As far as the SF - just do it. It can be "no frills" like BV said. You need to just move forward and trust in the Lord. I don't want to hear that you don't "feel" like doing it. Just do it.

You have an incredible husband who thinks you are a little hotty. He is very hurt right now. Time to check back into your marriage.

RAP,

I have been reading along with this thread and wondering where it was going. It went from the very "Disrespectful Judgements" by a few here that men wanting to have sex with their W's was somehow disrespectful and really out of order. To BV having contact with her OM, and then chasing around town to see if she could meet him.

And then finally you having "contact" with your OM this weekend. I have not yet read your H's thread as I have been off line for a few days, but I can guess that his response to divorce you is due to that "contact" which really included having sex with him again.

Having sex with the OM again is NOT just "contact" It is betrayal of the highest form, especially since RAP beat her H about the head and shoulders to stay home because she wanted time "alone".

Frankly, RAP whether you go to your FIL's or not, is of little importance. You may not like your FIL but your H KNOWS that you cannot be trusted, that there is NO WAY he could leave you alone. And frankly there is a very important issues here.

You claim you would never hurt your children, but you have, and you risked more than you realize. You risked your life and health and that of their father for your fun. You could have easily made your children orphans rather than "just" breaking up the family.

I am stating the obvious to you because it is clear that the obvious has illuded your thinking. It is now time to get REAL with yourself. You made a big scene about not going. You admitted it hurt your H, and then you do what????

Time to step away from your family, your OM, who's wife should know for her health and safety and that of her children (Your not the first nor the last place OM has dipped his wick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) She should not risk dying because you want to protect yourself. It is time to step away from all of it and pray. Pray to find out what is within you, what you want to be within you, and what you are willing to do to get to be where want to be.

Please step back, and pray and think, and really look at what you have lost and may lose in the furture. Then decide where you want your life to be, what is gaining or losing a few pounds worth to you? What your chosen lifestyle is worth to you? Make no mistake you chose this, and you can choose to change it.

Please think about this, mean while I and others will talk with your H. But, we cannot convince him to believe what you yourself don't believe. That is up to you.

God Bless,

JL

Dear RAP

AM SO SO SO SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU! REALLY AM SO SO SO SO SO GLAD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just had to go out and I rushed back praying that my eldest son wouldn't be on pc so I could log in and there you were.

Infact I am going to post this first just to let you know am here , then reply again!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear JL,

At last you are back. Do you have to 'disappear'for a few days like that...(Sorry I guess you need a break, but we missed you)

Me and RAP have been in a mess as you can gather..I am going to reply to her first here then to post to you on my other thread.

ps...Is it possible that you could 'forewarn'next time you won't be online??

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear JL,

At last you are back. Do you have to 'disappear'for a few days like that...(Sorry I guess you need a break, but we missed you)

Me and RAP have been in a mess as you can gather..I am going to reply to her first here then to post to you on my other thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ps...Is it possible that you could 'forewarn'next time you won't be online??

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

JL,

I understand. Thank you for your post.

I will get yelled at for this. Yes, maybe it is a pity party.

But seriously, I messed up. That is not a strong enough term, but I cannot say it here.

Why tell the truth? I am where I am at because of my actions. Yes , it is me!


Why did I tell my husband about it? Why did I come here and post about it on Saturday? Why did I not lie?

I thought because it was the right thing to do.

Too little too late I guess.

Lying does not seem so bad if telling the truth(because I am in trouble and do want to keep my H) gets where we are now.

I am not trying to be rude. But I did not choose to lie. I could have. I could have hidden my going back. I did not.

I can't say anything else. I can't type and sound like you all. I have hit rock bottom. Nobody has to tell me that. Nobody.

I am sorry. I am listening. I cannot post anymore.

Pam

RAP - Let us pick you up, and dust you off. You can do this. You are a good woman and mother. And you can be a good wife again. Don't be so hard on yourself. We care for you.

Dear all

First Believer,

Thanks as always for being there. I was a bit frantic about RAP. If only I had obeyed my gut instinct on Saturday, and asked her point blank what was her real motives for staying home. I should have realised when she was posting me Saturday and when she was saying about getting paint etc that she hadn’t gone with NC.

If I had a phone number I would have rang from where I lived across the world and said RAP DON’T DO IT…GO WITH H….YOU WILL END UP PHYSICAL WITH OM…

I would have done too. I know my weakness. You all saw my weakness on Saturday when as JL put it ‘BV was chasing OM round town’. In a way I was. I wanted to bump into him ‘accidentally’..

Thanks so much for posting on here Believer. You are having such an input into me really I mean that. The fact that you are going through what you are yet still being willing to post here to us FWW. I am so so so glad you are here and thinking of us and keep checking on us. I feel I have got real friends on this thread.

As far as the SF - just do it. It can be "no frills" like BV said. You need to just move forward and trust in the Lord. I don't want to hear that you don't "feel" like doing it. Just do it.

I will be posting more on ‘that side’ of things to JL on the other thread after here. I do want to say though that when I did ‘that’ for husband it really was just the basics. I mean, you couldn’t get any more basic. I had no feelings in it either. He understood that and was grateful I was still willing to. I took all your advice and ‘did’ it without any feelings just for H.

RAP. I guess it taught me that it is ok to do it without feelings. I hope one day the feelings side will be there, and I have bought books (Pep recommended them), but they haven’t arrived yet. Bought something else too (see other thread)….

The devil will now be telling you that you have BLOWN it but don’t listen to him RAP. He is a deceiver and wants you to fail and your marriage. You can be stronger in this. I am on a PASSION TRAIL to discover what it can be like if I try (even with no feelings).

Please hang in there and work through this with NC.

Please keep posting.

Have just seen your post RAP before I posted this.

DON’T YOU DARE GO AND LEAVE ME HERE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I told you before, and am telling you again…

We are the Proverbs 31 ladies ‘in the making’ …. We are being re-modelled and remade into something beautiful in God’s eyes. We will help others in the future who are struggling like us now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You can’t go. We all need you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I need to know you are there too.

Please don’t. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Kas

BV,

One last note. You have been so good to me. Thank you for everything. Just knowing you have been there has been a huge comfort.

You do not need me. You have these wonderful people here that are helping you. They want you to succeed.

I know you will listen to them. But you need them, not me.

I really cannot express what your presence here has meant to me. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for your love and mercy.

Your example has been wonderful, too.

You are more than on your way to being the Proverbs 31 woman.

Love,
Pam

Dear RAP,

This is a quick post before I have to log off. (Having problems with teenage son at moment).

Please don't go anywhere.

I do need to hear from you on this thread.

You are helping me. I do need to know how you are.

You haven't failed. Satan is just trying to drag you back down again.

You can get up in the strength of God and do this.

You have to give your all to God.

We both have to do this now.

You mustn't go.

I will check in asap in the night even to see if you are still there.

Kas : <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />