Forgive me all.
I did not mean to worry you.
The last couple days have been so painful that I cannot put it into words.
I am not asking for pity, it has just totally worn me out.
I slept half the day today. There was just no real reason (at the time) to get up.
I have not done any of my projects. All I have been able to do is gut-wrenching crying and taking in where my life is right now.
I am not used to being without my family. I don't think I have ever been alone like this in all our 13 years.
It has been painful, but also good. I truly miss them. I am seeing what they really are to me.
I have NOT seen OM since Saturday.
My friend invited me to the pool with her and her kids, and I stayed as long as I could.
I have felt very close to losing my sanity. I cannot explain it. I have been frightened by the realization of everything. Really.
It is a good thing, though. I am ready to move on.
The other thing I have come face to face with while being alone here is how horribly messed up my emotions are with this OM.
There is no logical reason for this attatchment. It is literally driving me out of my mind.
I have normally been a very intelligent person. What in the world has happened to my self-control?
Why is it I can know what is healthy mentally, but there is a raging war against that sane part?
I honestly feel absolutely at a loss. I am really frightened.
I know it is unrealistic, but I would love to go back and erase all of this and not be dealing with this ridiculous addiction. No need to get into what OM is like, it just makes it all the more ridiculous.
Anyway, I know I am not addressing anyone's post in particular right now.
I am sorry. I do appreciate all of you.
BV, You are a silly one. Sorry to worry you.
You all mean a lot to me, I just feel more lost than I can say.
I am supposed to cling to my H now and focus on him. That is the right thing. It will be difficult because he is so hurt. I will do my best to do this now.
I have an IC appointment for Thursday. I realize I really could use some help. It is hard to admit, but I am at my wits end.
I got sick on cookie dough and wine last night. What a mix. I have to admit I do not regret it!
H called while I was typing this. The trip (even the separation) has been good for both of us. Except for me seeing OM. He says he is seeing things he did not understand as am I.
It is hard for me to explain here, but I wish you all could know all the details surrounding the R with OM. NOt to glorify it, but so you could see how much I am realizing the self-destructive nature of it. His interest is not like mine. That is a good thing. It is very painful, but it is forcing me to see what a mess my thinking is around OM. It is hard to believe I will ever be able to think well of myself again. OM does not value me like I would want, and I see what I have been capable of.
I know H has stood by. Somehow, I know the value of my actions have lowered his opinion of me too. Obviously. I will try to love my family and learn to love myself again.
Why do we desire love from those who do not give it to us freely? At least that is me. I don't get it. Will someone please come do brain surgery on me?
I am trying to be honest here. I am not asking for pity. I do not want sympathy. I just do feel so alone and afraid I will never come out of this.
I am sure I will see more clearly soon?
Thanks for listening to the ramblings.
If I do not post regularly, please know I am okay. I cannot tolerate where I am now, and I want to come back when I can talk a little more sanely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thank you all so very much for your support. I really don't have the words to say, except NCW and I love you for your selflessness. You are all a great example.
BV,
Is your heiny still numb? Sorry about that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You are still MY inspiration.
Pam
JL,
Thank you for taking the time to share your input. I have heard what you said. Thank you.
