:::Reading your commentary give me a myriad of thoughts. I think that's a good thing as I tend to be very analytical and the more information I have about a situation the better I can deal with it.
ILH, I too am VERY analytical. Whenever I'm affected by something, I go at it hard in an attempt to understand it. I gather that understanding is a big step towards acceptance. It was very hard for me to understand that my H could behave in such a way. It was totally out of character for him and has taken endless reading to understand how A's come about. Interestingly there is another school of thought that says 'we create our own reality'. Had I created a reality whereby my H would never be unfaithful to me? Obviously. However for the 35 yrs that I'd known him, he had behaved in a way that lead me to feel extremely safe with him. He was one of life's good guys!
The flattery of being noticed and admired by someone who is sexually attractive to us is extremely potent. Most people don't have a clue what's hit them - we are so good at being shocked at other people's A's, but we never apply what happened to them to ourselves - we never seek to understand the process or prepare ourselves in the event we are put in circumstances that test us, after all, it will never happen to us, right? The sudden unexpected attraction to a member of the opposite sex, along with Mr. Opportunity is a very difficult thing to resist. I know that now!
Until the A happened I believed my H was on my wave length about infidelity - and had he not been hit with a rare opportunity, he'd probably still be feeling well and truly holier than thou.
::::From several of your comments it seems like I'm at least halfway on track on how to navigate through this.
As I see it, the best thing you have going for you is heartfelt remorse and an active determination to work like crazy to undo some of the damage.
You are unusual in that you confessed to your W immediately. In some ways I'm not sure why you did that. It seemed a lot to burden her with - and I'm wondering why you thought it best to tell her? I'm just thinking of your W's great hurt which will take a long time to get over.
There are some schools of thought that suggest that people who have A's have them to get noticed by their S's. My H was quite clumsy in leaving evidence around. We were going thru a phase where I was busy with family problems (dying mother) and other stuff, and we were living apart a lot (me in home country). H was probably feeling cut loose and marginalized.
In some ways, people who are as honest as you, generally don't have A's, because they know they don't have the wherewithall to keep it to themselves - and secrecy is a major component of cheating. I'm so honest that if I started up with someone I'd be blabbing it to my H before I got to first base. H is my best friend - how could I do something so huge without running it past him?
:::As the wife has agreed to get into the MB curriculum in much more depth
A word of advice: I came to this site not long after d-day. I left again and didn't return for 15 months. I just couldn't hang out in a place for distressed M's. Our M had been wonderful - I couldn't accept that I had to spend time on a site like this. Your W may have similar feelings.
:::Yes, parts of this will be ultra-humiliating, you caught on to that fast. I've got the appt scheduled and my speech ready already. Will start off with allergy complaints and then... Bet my face will be redder than a tomato. I just hope to keep the gossip at a bare minimum -- pipe dream?
That is something I didn't handle very well. I now regret the number of people that were informed, one way or another. My H's behavior still feels very shameful to me - and we were such a "nice" respectable family, and asked out a lot socially. Now we tend to be left off the list by those who "know" as we are perceived as having too much baggage, and probably not as much fun in us as we used to have. All the frivolous stuff you've been accustomed to chatting about, no longer seems important to you. You are in survival mode, not worrying about what fertilizer works best on your roses!
So, with the wisdom of hindsight, keep it as quiet as possible. The other thing is that you do tend to become emmersed in "the A" or "the ONS", in much the same way as we were immersed in baby stuff when they came along - and so you will tend to want to keep to yourself more. But try to protect your social life, even if it means taking a low profile for a while. In the long run, you will be glad it's there to get back into, when you are ready. (btw, a lot of what I suggest, is for the benefit of your W rather then you - no offense!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
:::As a typical male I have the patience of a 2 year old, maybe not that good sometimes.
You will learn to be patient. What alternative do you have? Do you fancy your life being a series of ONS?
:::I'm curious - after your renewed "vigor" how did your husband respond? I'm sure with a smile but my question is really pointed toward HIS emotional stability, self-esteem, better consideration for your feelings & needs, etc., etc. what have you noticed? Thought of from the flip-end of the question did the "cure" he thought was needed actually turn out to be the "cure" that was received?
H claims to have been hit by a 4 x 2 the day I discovered the A. He phoned the girl immediately to put a stop to it, and embarked on a single minded mission to save the M. As time went by, he realised he'd been conned by a slip of a girl - that had made him feel young and attractive, with her unexpected attention. Once it was public he got an outside perspective that left him feeling very ugly indeed. One of my first comments was "she was obviously after money". And as coincidence (or is it commonsense?) would have it, she'd asked him for a *loan* of $500US soon after them starting up.
The cure? H has said a number of times, "I want my old life back"! He would be more than happy to be back where we were. Sex has helped us stay together - and I say that for myself equally as I speak for him. But overall the price has been way too high. On balance, he'd take his self respect, my admiration and the respect of our adult kids, and the happy, enjoyable life we used to have, over nightly sex and the knowledge that he let himself and everyone else down, in such an ugly way - as he once stated, I should leave him for his stupidity quite apart from anything else.
He will do anything for me now. He does endless chores that he once would have sniffed at. He agrees to anything I want to do. He says I'm in charge, and he is mine to command. He has done back flips to appease.
H's self esteem isn't too good. I have not made it easy for him - why should I? I found what he did deplorable on a number of levels. The girl's poverty being a significant factor. Instead of thinking of her desperate circumstances, he thought about the sexual possiblities with one so young, pretty, and well built and he proceeded.
::::Plus, YOU took a step forward, as they say you "stepped up to the plate"... What about you and YOUR emotional needs? Did portions of the relationship improve for you as well?
The only thing I've gained is sexual enjoyment. I feel I've lost a dollar and found a cent. It's the loss of belief in my H that has been the most difficult. I had always considered him an exceptional person.
But your circumstances are different. Firstly you claim to have had too much to drink. Alcohol certainly lowers your inhibitions. But you probably had a fair idea that you were crossing the line, at the time. Do you think it will be worth it IF your W is more sexually involved with you in future? Surely not. To me, it seems a cowardly way to achieve what you want from your partner. Sorry to be so harsh with you.
A few months ago I had an opportunity to ask a colleague of my H's about his A of 6 years earlier. We had never spoken about it and he was surprised that I brought it up with him. He broke out in an obvious facial rash from the stress of talking about it and he had tears in his eyes and was in real distress even six years later. I was shocked to see the pain a WS feels at what they've done. The good news is that 6 years on, things are much better for them. But I remember the hell they went thru at the time - and my H was his best friend in those days. You'd think my H might have learned from what happened to his friend. Sometimes I think men are as dumb as dog *&^%!
g'nite from this part of the world!
an
