Im hurting so bad right now. I have noone to talk to. H wont answer his cell phone. Last time I talked to him he told me he loved me, if he loves me then WHY wont he come home to me and the kids? I just want him home. I love him so much, more than hell probably ever know. Im hurt because he knows I have no gas in my car and the kids need milk. Instead of him coming over to bring milk, or go fill my car up with gas, my mom has to come sit with the kids so I dont have to get them out in the heat. So I dont have to let 3 babies sit in the heat while I go inside to pay for gas with a check. Im so afraid hell go out and have an A just to get me back for what ive done. Im afraid if he doesnt come back home ill snap and do somethig stupid to myself. I dont want to do that. I just want my family back together!! =CRY

I wish I had something inspirational to say but I'm also having a pretty rough night. It must be something in the air. But just think, how much worse could it get at this point?

Your H said I love you, that is good. But my Wh said he doesn't love me. It hurts more. I will keep you in my prayer.

LostNHurt - Good point, I missed that. LonelyOne, hold on to the the good stuff, that's what helps us get through all this bad stuff. I hold on the the thought of my unborn baby and that keeps me going on these horrible nights.

I couldn't really tell from your profile if you were the WS or BS. It sounds like you were the BS. If that's the case you need to understand what your husband is going through right now. I've been where your husband is right now. His insides are gone! His identity, his manhood, his sanity are gone. He's not thinking about milk or eggs right now, he's probably thinking about whether or not he wants to live or die. That's the way I was. I felt like I went temporarily insane for a while. So, try to to be so hard on him. He probably didn't ask for this to happen.

Quick note to lostnhurt,

I have not read your story, so forgive me if I am missing something. I am an XWW and have had NC for only a few days. As cruel as it is, and it is very cruel, your H saying he doesn't love you may have a lot more to do with the mess surrounding his A than you. There is a good chance he doesn't know what he thinks right now. Don't give up quite yet.

Hang on, come here and post. Most of us have been through the same thing, and we have survived.

Lonelyone,
You sound so down. Come to MB, we will help you get through this. Post, and we will talk with you.

Keep your head up, he says he loves you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Be strong for your kids. I know it is hard to pull yourself up, but you can do it.

Can you give us details on your situation???

Take care LO

KY

Im kinda new here so I dont really know the initals for some of the stuff, like WS and BS. A little quick run through of the terminology would be greatly appreciated.

A little update, H came back home Friday night. I still dont believe he wants to be here. Im to the point where I feel like hes only here and with me till he finda another woman whos better than me. One who wont cheat on him. I feel so used.

Now for a little insight as to what happened and caused me to leave. Practially our entire marriage, after first child was born, we've fought and been at each others throats. He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive.When I was pregnant with our daughtes he choked me, told me that when I wanted to go buy groceries or get any kind of food that me and the babies could live off my fat. He brought my self esteem down SO low that I hated to see my own reflection in a mirror. It got to the point where when Id brush my teeth Id walk around the house just so I wouldnt have to look in a mirror. A week after I had our oldest DD when a female friend from school came over for something, when she left that I should dress and look like her. A WEEK AFTER I HAD A BABY!
It got to the point to where I couldnt take the ups and downs of our marriage anymore. I eventually went out and got a job so I could stop feling like a prisoner in my own home.

OM gave me his number and told me to call him sometime if I ever wanted to talk. I honestly never thought I would use it, and why I didnt throw it away I dont know. Wish I wouldve now.

I really dont know why I picked up the phone and called him one day. Maybe it was because I was lonley. H didnt want anything to do with me, other than have sex every once in a while, and when we did it was all about him and not me. Hew never wanted to sit and talk at night or any free time he had. Hed come home from work, lay on the couch and fall asleep. The only adult interaction Iwas getting was the few hours Id work at night. Sometimes when Id get home H would already be asleep.

One night I had to work late because we got behind. I seen OM outside and talked to him for a while and totally lost track of time. H sent someone up to the store to see what was going on. I got home and I literally thought H was going to kill me. He choked me numerous times, sat on my numerous times (hes alot bigger than me). Everytime I tried to get away to protect myself hed corner me. He eventually let mefall asleep for about an hour or so before he came back out and started fighting with me again. He later admitted he seriously thought about killing me that night.

After that huge fiasco I decided it was time for me to get my stuff together and leave. I didnt want to live in fear anymore that H would possibly kill me. Hes Bi-Polar and I wouldnt put anything past him. About a week or 2 later I packed some clothes and put them in the trunk of my car. I went to work the next day, worked my shift, went to my car got my stuff out of the car and called H and told him I wouldnt be coming home to get the car. I left my babies behind because he could provide better for them finacially and I had nowhere to go that had enough room for me and the kids. It Killed me leaving them. Im the one whos always been here and cared for them since theyve been born. While I was gone I ended up having sex with the OM 2 times. I never in my mind thought that me and H would ever be together again, so I thought it was ok. I now know it wasnt. And I desprately wish there was something I could do to make it all go away, to take away all the pain H is feeling.

As Ive said in previous posts, H thinks him going out having an A will make HIM feel better and make him not think about it anymore, but how will I be able to deal with that? I know I wont be able to. I know if I let him go out and do it theres a possibility that he'll never come back home to me and the kids. Hes talking about leaving for a month or 2 and totally reenacting what I did. I wont be able to live with myself if I let him go through with it. He says its either that or bringing another woman into the realtionship once or twice. ive told him how I feel about it and he doesnt care to listen. Does ANYONE have ANY ideas as to how I can help him get over what I did or atleast make the hurt go away? Any advice is appreciated. Sorry for the LONG post. Also, one of you guys said to come to MB, am I not already here, if not how do I get there? Thanks

Yikes - you have an abusive husband. He needs to get counseling, and so do you. The affair was not the way to go, but you can't keep living like this.

Please seek advice from a womens shelter or counselor.

Lonelyone,

I am worried about you. Please try to take it easy. You will be okay. You have three children and you need to keep it together for them. They really need you right now, it seems that your husband is not taking care of any of you right now, so it is up to you.

Can you go to the doctor and get on Anti-depressants? They would help to keep you calm and help you to think straight. You only think you need your husband so much right now because you are scared. He is not that much help at the moment, but he will be in time so don't freak out.

Can you go talk to a professional? You need someone to help you deal with all of this.

In your last post you asked if you were not at MB, well you are but I think what someone meant is have you read through Dr. Harleys concepts and info at the beginning of the Website? That is the place to start for you to learn how to earn your husbands trust back, and also give you both good solid advice about your relationship.

I am concerned about you and will be here if you need to talk, but I am not an expert on MB, so I probably won't be any help in that area. However I do hear the fear and panic you have.

Please keep posting and people who can help you better than I will talk to you.

Please try to stay calm, pray if you can and know that there are a lot of people out here who do care and can help you.

Weaver

I just figured out that your second post was four days after your initial post. And you do sound quite a bit better in your second.

That first post of yours really had me worried.


Weaver

I am worried about your children. You do not have transportation or nutrition for them. Your husband has physically abused you and is now dealing with the anger of finding out that you had an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I urge you to get professional help and the name of a women's shelter in case you feel threatened. Many here have dealt with affairs and the aftermath of them, but in your case I think that you need more than many of us can offer.

What we can offer is support, a listening ear and prayers for you and your children. As I said, you need a counselor but we are always here to offer a little extra support. Take care of your children now and make that your priority.

Lady, I have transportation. Just last Friday when H said he was leaving I didnt have gas in the car.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Last night he told me he's going to go find a female from his past, supposedly because she had his kid. If he was worried about her having his kid, why in the world is he waiting till now to see if it's really true? I honestly think he's wanting to meet back up with her because he misses the hours long sex romps they used to have.

Also, something else I've been meaning to post, but never got into. He told me several weeks ago that while we were separated he had sex with a female I always feared he had something going on with. This was a female he used to go to school with and would ALWAYS call him on the phone 10 minutes after he'd get home from work late at night and talk to her well after I went to bed. For all I know he was doing that so he could go meet up with her after he knew for sure I was asleep. This was also a female who knew I didn't approve of her calling my hubby, so she made it a point to always call his cell phone before she'd call the house. When I was in the hospital having our oldest D she came over, because at the time H was selling weed, and came into my home BEFORE I'd even laid eyes on her. I was totally hurt because H was supposed to be coming up to the hospital to see me and his newborn babe, and we got shoved to the back burner because selling pot to her wa more important. I was also disappointed because I felt she had disrespecred me and my home. I feel you should NEVER go into another married mans home when his wife isn't at home. Anyway, he let his little saga continue. Making me believe that he'd had sex with her 4 times in a hotel where we spent our 1 year anniversary. I was so hurtand felt defeated. I called the OW to confront her about the situation and she of course denied everything. Said he was crazy, he wasn't her type, he was too young for her. All kinds of excuses. I went into a DEEP depression. I wanted to do NOTHING but lay in bed. I remember laying in bed at night and begging God to take me from this world. I got thisclose to kiling myself. H didn't seem to care. He let it go on for a week till his bank statement came in the mail and I started checking his bank ledger to see when all he went and pulled out 50 bucks here and there. It was then he told me it was all a lie to make me hurt like he did. I talked to OW a couple more times after that. She even called the cops on me saying I threatened to KILL her when I was calling to talk to her. I say that has guilt written all over it. Finally one night i called her cell and left a voicemail telling her we NEEDED to talk and for her to call me back. About 15 minutes later she did. H tried to snatch the phone out of my hand. We talked for a bit and she told me that he told her it was going to go on for a while, weeks, days, months, years, that he may never tell me the truth. That he was having the best sex he's ever had. that kinda made me feel a bit better, but my heart was still in my stomach telling me not to believe it. I talked to her again a few weeks ago and she was utterly disgusted with herself for repeating those words to me. I took that as her saying she was upset because maybe he told her it was the best hes ever had. Do you guys think I'm looking too far into this whole mess? I really want to believe that it didn't happen, but my heart is telling me to believe another.

H is still talking about leaving for a month or 2 so he can get revenge on me for having an A. Hes also talking about bringing another woman in to the relationship still. I just with I knew what to say or do to make things better between us. Ive tried everything I can think of.

Sorry for the long post again.

Clearly your husband is very angry. You need to get some counseling for yourself, even if he won't go. Is that possible?

You MUST get professional help ASAP!

Your marriage is dysfunctional. You are dealing with drug use, violence, suicide threats, infidelity and possible STD's, you CANNOT fix this by yourself.

PLEASE let us know that you have called a professional for help, you must protect yourself and your children!

Ladysings - I like your candor.

Lonelyone - I am going to get a little harsh here too...

I thought about you and your children all last night. We are WORRIED about you and them. Please forget about your husband and your pain for a little while and get yourself together for those precious babies. You can work on your marriage then. Your husband is NOT taking care of you and your CHILDREN, so you have to. You
are their MOTHER.

Your marriage will survive this...will your children?

I doubt very seriously my marriage will survive this. My h isnt one to forgive and forget when someone has done him wrong. Hes the type of person to get revenge on that person. His mom taught him nothing. Not how a woman is supposed to be treated, how to take care of a family... NOTHING. Then she has the gall to get mad at me when I call her to ask if she's proud of the son she raised cause he's walking out on my and 3 babies when I have NO job.

Im terrified Im pregnant right now. Theres a huge possibility I am. I asked him a little while ago how hed feel if I was and lost the baby from being stressed out everyday cause of all this stuff. If he'd be able to live with himself and he told me yeah he would. How could I be so stupid as to want another baby with a man whos treated me like dirt?

For my on peace of mind and for my kids Im calling a doctor in the morning as soon as H leaves for work. I cant continue to live like this. Its hurting too bad. My kids dont deserve to see me going through this anymore.

Good for you, lonelyone.

Show your husband what he is trashing. He will be back and then you can do your MB stuff with him. But for now let him go and screw other girls, if that is his game.

After you have your act together you might not want him back. But if you do, you will have the skills and strength to make it work this time.

This is NOT your fault. And don't let anyone make you feel you deserve this. Especially your husband.

You won't be as lonely as you are now with him there. Your attention will be on your kids and yourself. It's a lot easier to be happy when you are not faced with daily abuse.

Keep talking here and let us know about your visit to the doctor.

God bless you.

Weaver

I agree with Weaver. Take care of your children and yourself now and let your H go if that is what he wants. You will be better off at this point.

You cannot deal with all of the issues at hand by yourself, nor can you repair the marriage with all of these issues looming.

Your H sounds dangerous to me. With his history of drug dealing, infidelity and violence, I don't think he should be around your children unless drastic changes occur.

He is also dealing with the anger of your infidelity, this combined with his history makes this situation something I am very concerned about.

Do you have any family that you could stay with? Do NOT involve his mother in these problems. She IS his mother and will most likely take his side which will only serve to make everyone more upset.

Your past history makes me wonder if this is a marriage that you should save (not all are) but only the two of you can make that decision. Right now, take care of your children and protect yourself. Please let us know how your appointment goes and please be honest with the doctor about your personal situation as well as medical concerns. He may have some resourses that cuold help you. Ladysing