I think I'll give her this letter
You are going to change it drastically BEFORE you give it to her, correct?

I sure have changed!

I have exercised and lost 70 lbs since this drama began for me last June. I'm going to therapy/counseling two hours a week-1 hr. with a therapist, 1hr with a Christian counselor. In addition, I've been coached by Steve Harley from this site and "Divorce Busting Coach" from another site. I'm reconnecting with friends, hobbies and behaviors that I abandoned years ago. Mostly, I pray and nurture the relationship with our boys. Since I've been on leave for two months, I've had a lot of time to work on self. I've also read over 10 books about rebuilding marriages (like “When your mate Wants Out", Divorce Remedy” "After the Affair" and others). and even taken the time to contact the authors. I'm focused on healing!

Results? I don't confront or pursue. Nor do I reveal every thought in my head. I address her needs as well as I can in this situation and do no more. I demonstrate that I am stronger than this situation and the OM’s influences.

Also I have an aggressive attorney who took my case pro-bono (long story) He's already has info on OM and the means to de-stabilize his employment (He's a Fed who used his privileges to fund & support this A) Don't want to go there but will leave this "reality bomb" in the open for him to deal with. W furious that I can drag this out indefinitely without paying a dime. I in turn, refuse to talk about D or A. I only act in a loving manner. It's beginning to confuse her. She wonders what I’m doing with my time and believes that I am brainwashing friends and family. This is because everyone sees both the changes I’ve made and they have 20-plus years of experience with me. I’m a nice guy who used to be depressed. Now I’m a nice guy who’s spiritually centered and emotionally strong.

My W, on the other hand, is harried and hurried. I hope my respite gives me the strength I need for the long haul I didn’t know that getting cheery would freak her out so much. I wonder why.

That's not what I wrote.

You are going to change it (the letter) before you send it, correct?

Because as it is written, it is not loving. Remember you are acting in a loving manner.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Sorry. Yes I have changed it. It gets softer, more loving with each draft. I still think it's firm, as it needs to be. You are right. I don't want to LB at this crucial time!

Hope the 3rd time's the charm!
I think this final draft has the right balance of firmness and love. No matter what, she is going to get defensive. She will, however have this letter to digest as the A, OM and D pressure builds:

W:

You may be wondering what to expect as we enter this transition in our lives. I’m writing you this letter, then, with the deepest respect for your feelings and the fullest faith in your open and graceful spirit.

I recognize you want to have more joy in your life and relationships. Indeed, you deserve what you want. You’re worthy of affection, attention and intimacy. You should feel the love you receive and be happy return it. Your passions should be filled with and by the person with whom you’re paired. He should be the main person with whom you want to share your dreams, feelings and experiences. You have the right, too, to freely pursue your desires. You want and deserve to live a romantic, authentic life.

You've been unhappy with this marriage for a long time. I’m saddened that my negative, oppressive behavior contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional gulf between us. For that I’m truly sorry. I acknowledge and apologize for my part in the failure of our marriage. However, I have learned from my mistakes and am taking steps to ensure that they’ll not be repeated. By working on Self, I am releasing anger, neediness, manipulation, judgment and guilt from my life. As I embrace the person I'm becoming, a new life perspective has emerged, one that informs the decisions I am currently making.

You have made it clear that you don't want to heal and continue our marriage relationship. You’re not happy being married, much less to me. Besides, you say, you’re at peace with your decision. I hear you and accept your right to feel this way. You may wonder, too, why you should work on a marriage with me when, for now, you have what you want with OM. How could anyone expect you to walk away from an inexplicable chemistry, intimacy, an emotional closeness that you’ve never felt before? What else is there to consider?

There are alternatives, W, and as long as they go unexplored I cannot, in good conscience, pursue the current course of action. The emotional, physical, and financial cost to us both (and the boys) is too high. This journey toward divorce started while I was broken, you were longing, and we both wanted to end our pain. Along the way we wrongly addressed our needs and issues with incompetent or biased people. This guaranteed our failure. Anger, Loneliness, Neediness, and Fear are not places from which to build our future. I’m asking you then, that you be open to another possibility for happiness.

While watching the Dr. Phil: Relationship Rescue Retreat series with you, I thought, “We haven’t sunk to their depths”, but I also realized that we haven’t gone to those lengths to heal either. If those funky couples can find happiness with each other, we sure can! I’m not naïve, however, about what we face. To improve us we’d need competent help to guide us in learning better ways to meet each other's needs and to rekindle the spark of emotional intimacy between us. While working on myself, I’ve met people who have built great relationships from crap marriages. They have conquered betrayals, withdrawals, unrealistic expectations, toxic friends, and parental legacies. I’ve seen passion rekindled and love reborn. They have taught me that the love, peace and happiness on the other side of crisis is possible and better than we could imagine.

I’ve decided to stand for our family and work toward our common happiness. There are those who may think that I’m just a delusional, manipulative fool clinging to something dead. They don’t know my heart or have taken this journey, nor do they know what I’ve come to learn about what’s possible. Principle, faith and right example guide this decision. My actions, then, don’t depend on current feelings or appearances. They don’t depend on other’s biased opinions or flights of fancy. I will not actively participate in the destruction of our family. Neither am I compelled to compromise my life just to be with you or because “I’d die without you”. That’d be obsession--and unfair to you. I prefer to work on this marriage because the greatest chance that we’d all be happy is here. I do I love you and the boys and want the best for us all. That best would be a family where the parents are in love with each other and live a mutually fulfilling lifestyle. God blessed us with this wonderful family and good life. I want to honor those gifts by making the best of them. W, I’ve seen passion rekindled and love reborn. This is more than possible. You only need to choose this path with me.

I care enough about us to risk my future to pursue the ideal for our family. Do you have enough faith to allow that chance? If so, we will get with folks who can really help us find our way. No judging and living in the past. No “H cries & W gets ignored” sessions. Further, I will do my part--100%-- without reservation. I will take responsibility for my actions and will stop any relationship, behavior, or attitude that detracts from our healing.

Just six months ago you wrote: “I know one thing for sure: You & I have a dynamic energy unmatched. Let us use our power together and create the greatest gift for mankind--the reminder of the God-self.” What’s in this for you? A passionate, prosperous life where you’re free to be true, where your children see the fruits of love and forgiveness, and you’re cherished and accepted for who you really are. An authentic life, indeed (laundry and dishes thrown in, just to keep it real <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

I have faith in God. I believe in Love. I believe people can change. I believe in us. I have always, W, believed in you. Please know that I still see you as a wonderful woman who deserves the all happiness you seek. Stand with me W. A world and life of joy await.

(True) Love, (Lasting) Peace, and (All the) Happiness (You Can Stand)


H

dleightonc
HI sorry to sound naive but i'm asking out of total naivity and for the fact that I might some day be in the situation you are and I am wondering how do you stall or delay the D , just wondenrig sorry if its to personal. Thanks

MyLife25:

In a no-fault state, a D can be processed regardless of the other S's wishes. so here is how you delay the final outcome:

1) Counter file: Now the both of you are on the offensive/defensive. More paper more $ more time (makes ‘em pause!)

2) Submit all paperwork at the last possible moment. in my state, I have 20 days. I submit on day 19.

3) Stonewall at every step. go to mediation and refuse every step. Go to the general master and contest every point. Take the whole thing to trial. At each point, firmly and lovingly tell you S that you won't participate while vialble alternatives go unexplored. NEVER do any negative D talk. Lrt your L do the "bad cop" routine.

4) Refuse to sign paper work (like the final papers) talk to L about when best to do this.

5) Negotiate postponement. Sometimes you can get them to wait until after holidays or certain family or professional milestones.

What does this do? First it will invariably anger them. But there is an upside! It gives you a chance to make love deposits, work on yourself and give your S (and OP) a dose of reality. They and you must earn the way out of the M. Sometimes this process wears them down enough to consider your alternatives. Sometimes the A burns out (usually 6 mos.) Sometimes they just plain fall back in love with you. You have nothing to lose, my friend, by stalling. And your god given family to gain. Good luck!

Thanks, I belive i'm in a no fault state (fl) so this information helped a lot thanks for your time and good luck!

I'm in Florida too so we're playing on the same field!

I found a Anniversary card yesyerday. I pretty sure it's for OM (21 months on Sun. That would be madness!) Could it be for me? (13 years on Mon.)

If it is for me, what does that mean? She's been real appreciative lately, but tells others she is sooo uncomfortable living with me.

The drama continues!

Hi Dleigh,

You know what, it is your wife and you know what will speak to her. In my opinion, what is important is that you speak your truth, as lovingly and respectively as you know how. If this is what you have done, and you are happy that this letter says all that is in your heart, then you are finished. If not revise it until YOU are happy with it, and it brings you comfort knowing that you have said all you need to say.

I don't really care for the second paragraph, I think it sounds like a lecture, but you know what you want your wife to hear from you.

Weav

You're right. These actions have to be primarily for me. She is busily working on her new practice, which opens to patients on Monday. She thinks her life is in order and isn't thinking about the damage being done to her family.

I need to focus on myself and our boys if healing will take place.

My God, this is hard. Got up this morning on our 13th wedding anniversary to wish W good luck on her 1st day of her medical practice. I prayed with/for her for success, prosperity and wisdom. She thanked me and hopped in the car to pursue her life’s dream. I thought I would be prepared for the sense of emptiness I feel. a year ago this week, she first said she wanted a D. She was seeing this OM w/o my knowledge. The difference this year is that she’s filed and the A is in the open. I also have one year of ups (false recovery) and downs (right now) to process. I’m so very proud of my W and so very hurt by her as well. I write this through unexpected tears. This day hasn’t been happy for me for two years. Will it ever be again?

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

bmp

I'm right with you, man. I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for you, but I'm thinking of you, hoping things get better. Learning to accept things you cannot change is very, very hard. I'm being torn apart by today's lesson myself. Just hang on and you'll get over this bump. God bless,

GC

You know Dleigh, sometimes I read the stuff on this forum and it makes me feel that life is so unfair sometimes. All this pain, and this is only one little drop in the bucket...it is such a big club.

No one can tell us that everything will work out the way we had hoped, only that everything will work out, and that life will get better.

It eases our pain to know that we are not alone in it. So we come here and connect to people that are in it now or that have been through it and take comfort in that. That is all we can do somedays, but it helps.

You are not alone Dleigh.

Weaver

I wanted to add something -

You are reaching out to people. That is the best and most productive thing that you can do right now. Keep doing it, in anyway that you possibly can. It's very healthy and speaks mountains about your ability to be happy again...with or without your wife.


Weaver

weaver:

This site is a Godsend. The chance to share common experiences is empowering. Too bad we have so much company. I wonder what WS's think when they find their S's postings? Mine would lose it as she is very private.

check out this revised letter, better?:

W:

You may be wondering what to expect as we enter this transition in our lives. I’m writing this then, not as a love letter, hard sell or lecture, but as a simple explanation of my intentions and actions. I do so with the deepest respect for your feelings and the fullest faith in your open and graceful spirit.

I understand that you desire to pursue a romantic, authentic life. I also acknowledge that you've been unhappy with this marriage for a long time. I’m truly sorry that my negative, oppressive behavior has contributed to your unhappiness and in the failure of our union. Although I have learned from my mistakes and am releasing neediness, manipulation, etc from my spirit, you’ve clearly chosen not to heal and continue our marriage relationship. You’ve chosen instead to pursue the inexplicable chemistry, intimacy, and emotional closeness you presently feel with OM. You say feel at peace with your decision to live another life experience. I hear you and accept your feelings. So what else is there to consider?

There are alternatives, W, and as long as they go unexplored I cannot pursue the current course of action in good conscience. The emotional, physical, and financial cost to us all is too high. This journey toward divorce started while I was broken, you were longing, and we both wanted to end our pain. Along the way we mistakenly addressed our needs and issues with biased or incompetent people. This unacceptable setup was self-sabotage and guaranteed failure. Anger, Loneliness, Neediness, and Fear are not places from which to build a future. I’ve come to know better and am compelled, then, to do better.

While working on myself, I’ve found out how ruinous marriages become passionate, fulfilling relationships. I’ve met those whose expertise and dedication have made it possible for countless families. My spirit has been strengthened by these experiences. I have emerged enabled and empowered to stand for our family and our common happiness.

I will not actively participate in the destruction of our family. Principle, faith and right example guide this decision. My actions, then, don’t depend on our current feelings, situation or appearances. Others’ biased opinions, myths or misconceptions won’t steer me. I am willing to risk much to pursue the ideal for our family. Be clear though; I will not sacrifice my life just to be with you nor would I die without you. That’d be obsession--and the height of unfairness. I prefer this marriage because the greatest chance that we’d all be happy is here. God blessed us with this wonderful family and good life. I will honor those gifts by making the most of them.

I’m moving forward with a clean slate. No judging and living in the past. No “H cries & W gets ignored” dramas. I’m doing my part--100%-- without reservation. I take responsibility for my actions and will stop any relationship, behavior, or attitude that detracts from our healing.

My choice may anger you. It may seem spiteful, unrealistic or even duplicitous. I will not ask you to trust me or believe that I have a better offer on the table. I’ll give you no ultimatums or play games with you. If you want to understand the alternatives of which I speak, seek an unbiased and unrelated person to check them out. Who knows? You may look at our lives and needs from an angle unburdened by old habits and expectations. You too may wish to commit to transforming our lives together. The choice, of course, is yours.

Why another try? Just six months ago you wrote: “I know one thing for sure: You & I have a dynamic energy unmatched. Let us use our power together and create the greatest gift for mankind--the reminder of the God-self.” What’s in this for us is a passionate, prosperous life where we’re free to be true, where our children see the fruits of love and forgiveness, and you’re cherished and accepted for who you really are. An authentic life, indeed (laundry and hyper kids thrown in, just to keep it real <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). This is my promise and commitment to you and the children God submitted to our care.

God honors Faith and Faith honors God. I believe in Love and Forgiveness. I believe in us. I have always, W, believed in you. Change and peace are a decision away. I’ve made my choice for better or worse, to live my joy right here, where acres of diamonds lie ready for me to behold and enjoy.

(True) Love, (Lasting) Peace, and (All the) Happiness (You Can Stand)

I'm just gonna ask what this means...

I understand that you desire to pursue a romantic, authentic life.

what in heavens name does that MEAN???

It sounds like fog-alien babble..
WS says..

"I want an authentic life."
"I want a romantic life"

what exactly does that mean to her and to you..

I had an authentic life moment today,..

I paid some bills...
nothing makes life more real than writing out that mortgage check... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If she wants to be real real authentic she can have my bills.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm just saying that that sentence is difficult to substantuate let alone validate or give to someone...

life is what we create it to be...

also you may not want to define yourself so subjectively...
onus of responsibility is very good...
such labels....I am not sure about...

just a thought..
ark