Just Learning,

Thank you for your reply. I agree with you, although you must understand the pull that I have towards wanting to 'save her' is great.
I am trying to deal with it.
She once again emailed me today and tried calling
me yesterday and today as well. More of the
"I love you and miss you." So I replied back with a short email, letting her know I was ok, and asked "What are your plans?"
Her reply was pretty much typical,
"I miss you so much, I feel stuck. I feel obligated. How do I deal with that? I need to talk to a counselor about this."

That sort of talk. I am able to finally see through her words. My reply was basically,
"You need to talk to a shrink to tell you what is right or wrong?" It was a little more gentle than that, but sums it up. I'll see what she has to say the rest of this week, then I'll email her the plan B letter on Monday I think.

Oh, and about talking to a lawyer about this, I did meet with one the week I found out she was pregnant, as I was worried as well. There is not much rush to do anything on that end YET.
As far as I'm concerned, I'll have the divorce taken care of and the child stuff as well before she delivers, as I'm not taking her back with an already born baby in tow.

Thought I'd update, Today's my birthday. The worst one of my life. I wanted so much to be able to spend my 30th with her, but that is not to be.
W did call me earlier today to talk and wish me a happy birthday.
I know it's just talk from her, but I asked her when she was coming home. She said soon. I asked if she was sure about that, she said yes, she was and she was trying to hurry. Whatever that means.
She said that she is trying to deal with feelings of obligation, in that she's pregnant with his kid and doesn't know how to deal with those feelings. All I said was that this was about us, and it really has nothing to do with OM.
I was thinking about it, and I wanted to put something in my plan B letter about those feelings of obligation. My feelings on the matter is that she was and is obligated to me just for the fact that we're married. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought I'd ask for some help with this. I still plan to send her the letter. I'm so scared still of doing it. Why do I feel like that? I guess I just need more guts or something.
If anyone has any suggestions about adding this to the letter (posted above) please let me know. I'm damn terrible with words.

bump

I would send the letter and then stick to Plan B. That may get her off the fence. Always watch what they do, not what they say.

I haven't sent the plan B letter like I was going to. W found out this week that she has diabetes. Probably brought on by the pregnancy.
I may be totally in the right to still go ahead with plan B, but I can't be that cold and dump something like that on her right now. At the least I think I need to wait a bit til this passes. Do you all think this is the right decision I'm making?

TTSI, when I started reading your story, I got chills...I am a BS...my WH's OW is pregnant...we have three boys and I had a hysterectomy because our family was 'complete'...now WH has OW pregnant. that's another story!

We have missed many important dates together during our whole ordeal, just as you! to name a few...WH birthday, valentines day, spring break, Easter, my birhtday, sons birthday, 4th of July and many others...

It is very painful..I know exactly what you are going thru. Hopefully one day you will get to the point that you WILL KNOW you can survive without your WW...

I noticed in your first post you said your wife is borderline bipolar...is she on medication?

I also agree that you NEED to go into Plan B...you said that at one point that your WW got desperate when you didn't answer her emails...in a sense you did a mini Plan B then...she got desperate...

I really think that a Plan B would be best for you...She has chosen OM so let OM deal with the pregnancy and diabetes issues...remember they "planned" this pregnancy...so let her deal with it with him...I know it hurts...

I have told my WH that I WILL NOT have anything to do with this OC. IF OW decides that she would like us to adopt it then I can raise it as my own...but not with OW in the picture...

Plan B is the best way to get her off the fence!

Thank you for your reply <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
She's not bipolar, what she has is called 'borderline personality disorder'
It is somewhat similar to being bipolar, but probably more difficult to treat, as being bipolar is pretty much strictly a brain chemistry problem. BPD, is kind of a learned condition, usually stemming from severe abuse as a child.
I do pray that going into plan B will get her off the fence. I still have the feeling that I should wait a bit, with this new problem and all.
She will most likely try to call me tomorrow. I will probably talk to her at least to get a sense of how she's feeling. Then I'll make a decision as to whether I should go to plan B next week. I guess I kind of see it as that she may take it as me "abandoning her" at a time of need. I know that sounds crazy, and I don't see it that way at all, with all that she's done and everything. I'm just thinking that's how she'll see it.

Are you still in plan B yourself? I noticed your signature mentioned you had been in plan B twice.. How did those times play out?
Just trying to prepare myself for what will arise from W when I go into B.

TTSi,

I would just modify your Plan B letter to state that this isn't a punishment, nor are you abandoning her. If she wants to come back to the marriage, all she needs to do is to commit to no contact with the OM (and whatever else you need). Until then, the pain and loss of love for her that you're dealing with while remaining in contact with her is a huge risk, and you need to mitigate this by a separation.

There won't be a good time for this. You should do it soon.

I've got a question about plan B.
What do I do (if anything)
if/when she starts with the,
(Well, since you won't talk to me I guess you don't want me/I'm not coming home now/want a divorce/etc) kinda talk, do you just ignore it, do you reply with a "read the letter again"
or?

Ignore it. Make it clear under what circumstances you will entertain conversations with her (affair ended, No Contact letter sent or ready to send, etc.)

The stuff you outlined below is simply defensive posturing on the part of a WS. It shows no inclination that the affair is over. The main reason for you to be in Plan B is to protect yourself from the hurt of dealing with the affair. The less contact, the better.

Well I've done it.
I emailed her the plan B letter last night.
No response at all from her so far.
God help me, I hope what I did was the right thing.

Here is a book I can recommend...

~~Stop Walking On Eggshells~~
Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Authors are Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

Reading this book can offer you a blueprint for more successful interactions with your wife...

Boarderlines are VERY challenging and often resistant to therapy ... but they can be helped. Medication is not very often as useful as it might be with bipolars.

Best of luck to you....

Happy Belated Birthday from a fellow Cancer

Pep

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

And.....

Boarderlines develop "love crushes" very easily and are suseptable to repeat affairs .

Most decisions are emotionally driven with rare insight as to possible consequences of their decisions .... it's like they never saw it comming..... obvious things are not obvious to boarderlines.

And.... co-parenting a child with a boarderline can be a nightmare.... Sometimes the child has to be protected from the ill parent.

Lots for you to think about....

Good luck,

Pep

Thanks for the info PB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I do have that book. Read it many times. It's very good and insightful.
I know far too well those decisions based on emotions. I take it you have a BPD in your life as well?
There is another really good book called, "I'm not supposed to be here" Written by a lady who sought and beat her BPD. Excellent read that really gets into the thought process of someone suffering from the disorder.

I take it you have a BPD in your life as well?

Yes and no.

I work as an RNP and I develop long term professional relationships with some of my patients. That book helped me function better at work from time to time. Either with the BPD or with their loved one.

I've not read the one you suggested, I'll look it up. I'll keep it in my "recommended reading" for family members. thanks.

Pep

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

So now that I'm in plan B, is there anything special I should be doing? Or is this just a "sit around and wait to see what happens" kinda deal?

TTSi,

At this point, Plan B is to save your love for your wife while she gets her head on straight. You have a bit of a different situation than others, because there's a clock on this Plan B---once she has the baby, she had better be ready to make a decision.

If I were you, I'd have a plan lined up (with a lawyer) on what you need to do assuming that this baby is not yours. If you need marriage counseling---I'd encourage you to continue on learning and working on your behaviors. You also want to protect yourself from an affair (it's a very vulnerable time for you)---no dates, no discussions with women regarding your marriage, etc. Other than that, and ensuring "no contact" with your wife---you should have some time on your hands...

Yep, I definitely have time on my hands.
Just been staying busy with work.
Which is nice with this job, as since it's a family owned business, the more I work, the better my future is.
being honest, I'd have to say I'm a bit saddened and disappointed that W hasn't panicked yet. I was really expecting her to pursure me quite a lot after I sent her the letter. It would have fit with her pattern. So far I haven't heard a peep. Makes me very sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

TTSi,

I think you are missing the point. She may well have taken your letter seriously, which means she has to make a decision either you or OM who she is pregnant by. This will not be an easy decision and right now the easiest thing to do is go with the flow.

Plan B usually takes months before things change. But, you must remember plan B is for you, it is NOT to end the affair. It is to allow you to wait for the affair to end, and maintain enough love for her to want to rebuild. If it takes too long for the affair to end you will even in plan B run out of love, and then it will be too late no matter what she decides.

Often plan B has the added affect of making the OP meet ALL of the needs of the WS, but in this case, it will likely be awhile with a child in the middle of this.

So go about your business, and gradually this situation will sort itself out. Oddly, enough it is very likely you that will make a decision about the marriage and surely you willhave a decision to make if she does decide to come back.

There is no way to know, but the best thing you can do is stay in Plan B and keep your powder dry just in case.

Hang in there.

JL