I do have one question and I know that I risk getting hit by some 2 x 4's and I am willing to take that risk. I hate leaving so bad with hard feelings towards OM. I want so badly to tell him to not feel responsible for my choice to leave. I can't imagine the guilt he feels or may not feel any at all. I tend to try to predict other people's reactions to my own.

My questions is...do I just leave without saying anything to him or do I approach him here at the office (safe setting) and tell him that I'm truly sorry for everything that has happened, all the hateful and bitter things that I've said to him, and to not feel responsible for my decision and finally to wish him well.

There is no risk here at all of renewing A with him, he has made it very clear that he doesn't suffer from any feelings and has moved on and I need to do the same.

Please give me your opinions.

As you state he no longer has ANY feelings (you & A) I assume that this "farethewell" is somehow for YOUR benefit?

What is it you are looking for here?
What will you gain by this?
How will your life or M be affected if you never do this?

I hope its not for the dreaded "closure".

Say your goodbyes to everyone else. This OM already knows the score.

If he's already moved on, (or hasn't) its not your problem or concern.
With that said, you are an adult and can choose to do as you please.

Its just that I've read of a # of cases in this place where the WS and OP come together (ONLY mind you) to express "last time" feelings for each other.

quick scenario:
WS---Oh, I'm sorry for anything that I've caused in your life.

OP---Oh, yes, I'm sooo sorry too. It wasn't all bad.
(Joint commiserating over Shared pain and loss)
WS--No hard feelings?
OP---Nay.
WS----Friends?
OP----Friends.
flash forward: OOOOPPPPSSSSS!!!!

If not for any legitimate reason (none) just leave this alone.
Your LEAVING there for a reason, right? NC??

IMO, Then let it start NOW, not later.
Till next time

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

top rope....thanks for setting me straight. I have this nature of hating conflict. Things that I have said to OM bother me I guess. I have said some really bad things but I guess I can't worry about easing my concious there. Thanks for reminding me. All I have to ask myself is what would my H think of me having a conversation with him. That pretty much removes all doubt.!!

Thanks again for your input.

Lisa,

Your always going to have some guilt and regret over this (toward H, OM and even yourself).
Talking to him will NOT make it go away. It will only flame it back even stronger.

If the OM is anything except a serial cheater, I'm sure he has his own demons to wrestle with as well.

The thing to keep in mind is that even though you 2 may have created this together, you must (for the best interests of everyone) deal with the consequences apart.
Never alone.......just not together.
Hope this helps.

top...I was his 4th A so I think that would classify him as a serial cheater, would agree with that conclusion?

Yep, that would begin to fit my description.
Then again I'm biased.

Although I'm sure if OM was posting here, he could convince plenty that ALL these women pursued him, (Guess cause he's just so darn irresistible.)
and he's NOT a player...just a victim of poor judgment.
Over and over and over

Anyway,
One more day almost gone. Yeaaa for you! (although I know the emotions are still very mixed).

thanks again top rope for talking some sense into me. What was I thinking??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Everything I told him was true...He told me once that he didn't know if he would ever consider me a "special" lady again because of the things that I have said to him. He said that he is "scarred".

You are right, 3 more days and the emotions are a little more settled, knock on wood, today than they were Friday. I was sick last week and tend to get more emotional than usual when I'm not feeling well!!

I hope that you are having a good day.

top rope...can you tell me a little bit about yourself other than you give great advice!!

Lisa,

Just another reality check. OM is the reason you are leaving, so it is true. Leave it alone. He knows what he knows, and he guesses at the rest, but he KNOWS he has done this to you.

Your leaving is about a new start, and I think you will enjoy it, and profit from it.

God Bless,

JL

thanks JL...I don't know what comes over me sometimes to always think that I'm responsible for making things right. Some things can't be changed and this is one of them and you are right. He does KNOW that he is a big part of why I'm leaving and maybe I don't need to make that easier for him. At some point he needs to deal like I'm having to deal. To this point his life hasn't suffered due to his habitual habit of playing women!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do have one question and I know that I risk getting hit by some 2 x 4's and I am willing to take that risk. I hate leaving so bad with hard feelings towards OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't concern yourself with his feelings. They are not important or your problem. You don't owe him any explainations. You don't need to make him feel better.

For goodness sakes, don't go poking back in that hornets nest.

Susan

Thanks Susan... Thank God I came here first instead to get my head on straight. I have had a bad habit of just doing things that pop into my head and regret them later when it comes to communication with OM. I don't feel the need to do anything now.

Again, thanks so much!!

Lisa your obviously tired you double posted on the last thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I only slept an hour last night, so tonight I want to make sure I get some sleep. I won't sleep tonight if I let myself do it naturally. Darn imsomnia. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Only a couple more days for you. Almost there, hang on tight.

How about you looking for and excuse to talk with OM. What are you thinking???

Did you have lead paint at your house growing up???


Have you heard of NC, there is no clause which states, I need to talk to him one last time.

Although we all think so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Jelly

Jelly...My temporary moment of insanity must be due to lack of sleep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !! Thank God my friends here slapped some sense into me before I made a fool of myself....again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'll never forget something my friend mrsx (whom I miss so much here) told me when I tried to talk to OM to see if he missed me or if he ever had any true feelings for me at all. She told me that I might as well step in front of his car and just let him run me over. She couldn't understand why I kept subjecting myself to his rejection over and over again.

If I had talked to him today like I was planning to I would have subjected myself to that all over again. His reply would have been, "Lisa, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I never meant to"...which translates to I'm sorry that you couldn't play this game without getting your heart and emotions involved. He is the "tin man" reincarnated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have to tell you though, it's been almost a year since d-day which is Friday and I have to say that the things that I have learned about myself through this are life-changing. Again I will mention the books by Guy Finley, Freedom from the Ties that Bind, and The Secret of Letting Go. These books have changed my life!!!

Hi Jenny....What's going on girlfriend??? How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Lisa,

Just hopped onto this thread to see your latest update on things.

Actually it has really helped me by the advice you are being given by the others.

I seem to be a lot like you and think of‘trying to fix things and want them to be right with OM…

I read what Susan said and it is so right for me to:


“Don't concern yourself with his feelings. They are not important or your problem. You don't owe him any explainations. You don't need to make him feel better.

“Don't concern yourself with his feelings. They are not important or your problem. You don't owe him any explainations. You don't need to make him feel better.

For goodness sakes, don't go poking back in that hornets nest.”

I really need to take this on board myself… REALLY REALLY I DO…

That is exactly what I am hovering over….that hornets nest and wanting to poke around in it again.

Also KY4 says:

“How about you looking for and excuse to talk with OM. What are you thinking???

Did you have lead paint at your house growing up???

Have you heard of NC, there is no clause which states, I need to talk to him one last time.

Although we all think so.”

This is me too Lisa and I need to be strong in it. Because I am looking for an excuse to talk to OM – anything really. What I am thinking? I need sense and 4x4’s.

You said Lisa,

“if I had talked to him today like I was planning to I would have subjected myself to that all over again. His reply would have been, "Lisa, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I never meant to"...which translates to I'm sorry that you couldn't play this game without getting your heart and emotions involved. He is the "tin man" reincarnated ”

That is EXACTLY what my OM wanted me to do. Wanted me to ‘get involved’ in that side of things, but without my heart and emotions getting involved because that ‘complicates’ things…

I broke down and confesed to H because I knew I could never go back to being just friends and working colleague with him.

It was tearing me apart. He was withdrawing, and I was becoming more dependant emotionally. It was destroying me inside totally.(Still is) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I felt used then ‘dumped’. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Hang in there,

Kas

Lisa, thanks so much for asking how I am.

I've posted on Cello and Jelly's thread because they're fun, but apart from that I feel I have nothing much to offer anyone.

I'm loving my new job. It's very challenging because I have a woman who reports to me who went for my job and didn't get it and is now doing her darndest to obstruct me in any way she can. But I see it as a challenge that I am going to overcome no matter what.

I love the university and everything about it. I said on Cello's thread that when I told H how I dealt with "problem woman" he gave me a big kiss and said I was clever.

So, OM barely enters the thought processes these days. Odd triggers here and there but I know they'll get less and less the more I throw myself into the job and the more Rob and I connect. Which we're doing all the time. I see the man I married and know why I married him.

So, things are pretty good.

That's what I mean when I say this is the best thing you'll ever do.

I do wonder how you'll cope with the first NC ever though. I know you've got NC but you've had to see slimeball every day. It can only be good for you getting right away, but be prepared for a little fall-out emotionally.

Jen

BV...The OM's in both our cases went to the same school I believe. You see, I realize now that OM never cared for my well being. He knew that my feelings were getting out of hand and yet he still "used" me to satisfy his needs. I think that you and I are alike in the way that we are not able to distinguish between love and sex. OM never felt anything emotionally for me, I realize that now. As soon as the SF was over each time he would immediately withdraw from me completely. Not just physically but emotionally as well. It was just a physical act for him and I could have been anyone and it wouldn't have mattered.

I'll be honest with you, it has caused me great pain to finally realize that but it does help with your feelings about OM when you do see them for what they are. What I am is a woman who made a big mistake but one thing I know, I do have a heart and I will not allow OM to cause me regret for being able to feel. He is the one to be pitied.

I just found out from another co-worker/friend of mine that the majority of the people here still think that I'm involved with OM. Two more days, I am ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What will they find to talk about after I leave?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

There taking a huge risk at you going postal on them. Don't they read the papers, you put in your two weeks, and then take revenge.

Your almost done sweety, if all else fails use your sick days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Reminder, steer clear of OM, I can't believe he hasn't approached you for a good bye. Wow.

KY - JELLY