It's 1AM, I have had it with DD, and am sitting here trying to decide if I should call the cops and ask them to please take her to one of the shelters for tonight. If they don't, I'm liable to start throwing everything in the house.

It's a long story, I won't even elaborate. But after my jumping through hoops to try and make something happen that she wanted to do that I actually believed would be good for her (a Christian concert/festival thing in Illinois), she's decided she's not going--has things to do here.

That's not really her issue. It's the attitude. Again, I can't begin to describe what she does. And then she finally said, "Go ahead, kick me out." I got mad and walked in and kicked her stereo. She told me to "f-off". That hurts. I vented about her "f-ing" (yes, that un-Christian word--I was REALLY angry) everybody if she was out on the streets because I told her she doesn't seem to care, she shows no respect for anyone.

I started crying. Told her she was breaking my heart. She told me to stop the crying--that I do it all the time (don't!) and it's meaningless. She truly sounds like a carbon copy of her dad.

So lets see--since I've been back from vacation she's been gone every night until late. Last night I believe it was 3am. She leaves when I'm at work despite orders not to. She calls from "Bob's house" or "Kenny's house". These people have no last names, of course, and no addresses. I have no way to find her or drag her back. She just saunters in, flops on the floor and sleeps, and leaves again before I'm home from work the next day.

The "f=off" really took the cake--said as calm and as condescending as she could possibly say it.

I can't control her. I can't make her respect me. I'm a freakin' lousy mom. I can't get marriage right, can't get parenthood right, what can I get right? (Oh yeah, affairs...)

So I think I'm going to try and stay up all night, just so she can't sneak off or something. And then I'm going to call either the cops or the Dept of Human Services (aka child welfare) and just ask them to help me. They'll probably take her--she has cuts on her arms again.

Watch--the way things seem to be working right now, she'll probably end up being pregnant or something. She had a very heavy, painful period last month and now is complaining of sore breasts.
------------------------------------------------

Willgetthruthis,

As for my WH, he hates AA and will have nothing to do with them. HATES them!

The only prayer of a semi-intervention I might have is if my pastor talks to him.

And as for the comment you made about being M to your H for life and never DV, that is a tough one for me.

See, I feel so much like that's what I must do--either reconcile or stay single--that those are the rules. But I don't WANT to be stuck single for the rest of my life if this doesn't work out. I don't want to! I don't want to! Being alone forever is the one fear that will set me back in my progress like no other!

From the time I was a little girl, I've wanted nothing more than to have a companion. It's probably what got me married too soon and too young.

LL

I should have gotten in my car and driven somewhere to cool off...

I suck at motherhood. Surprise, surprise...

More woodwork pulled loose from my slamming doors. I did call the cops and asked them to come by because I was scared/frustrated. They did. She was an angel when they were here. They said she was saying one thing and I was saying another and that they really can't help us tonight and that we just need to talk things out.

They left. She told me she wasn't going to talk to me again. I told her she had an 11pm curfew. She said that was unrealistic and that she wouldn't be home at that time. I asked if she understood what they said about the importance of giving me names and addresses in case I needed to reach her or pick her up. She informed me she gives me numbers but that I'll never get addresses because she doesn't want me harrassing her friends.

We went at it again verbally. I haven't blown up like this since the night I was on the phone with MP back in the spring and kicked the hole in the bathroom door.

The thing that took me over the edge: DD saying that her dad left me because I do this, that DS doesn't come home because he can't stand to be around me, and that she doesn't want to be around here for the same reason. She looked at me and in her calmest voice ever said, "Mom, you're out of your mind."

I blew up. I felt so disrespected and so much of a failure for not being able to raise a respectful child and for not being able to even remain calm and mature. Things came out of my mouth in anger that should have never, ever been said to anyone. Hurtful things that frustrate me about her--her lack of respect, her cocky attitude. I ranted on about her thinking she's "all that". I called her a little B**ch. And I told her to get out, that I was done dealing with her lack of respect. Told her if she thought she could do so much better somewhere else, to just go. Get out, start walking, and don't come back. (Didn't mean it...but doesn't matter. I said it.)

She grabbed a phone and started dialing. I asked who she was calling. Her dad, she said.

I grabbed the phone. I just keep screwing up and screwing up. I called him. No answer. Called again. No answer. I got voice mail. I left a message--a very bad message--a message that I'm afraid might drive him even further into his mess of a life.

Crying...told him I had had it with DD, that I was tired of her disrespect and her never coming home. Told him he could take a crack at raising her for a while, because I was tired of everything and that I'd had enough. Made some comment about him f-ing a 26-year-old and how it's all been a little hard for me to deal with. Don't even remember what all I babbled at the end and then I hung up.

And I sat on the top of the stairs and rocked back and forth, and sat, and rocked. And every time DD would try and tell me to go to bed, I just said "shut up" (which is also a phrase I hate and didn't allow in years past). I did this for probably 15 minutes until she finally just shut her door and left me alone.

Maybe what she said is all true? I didn't think I was insane, but if I'm out of my mind, how would I really be sure? (I have no concentration anymore, I lose my train of thought in the middle of sentences and can't pick it back up, or something will ask me a question about how to do something at work and I'll just freeze up and draw a complete blank).

DS just got home from a midnight movie. I know I shouldn't talk with the kids in detail about everything that is going on in my life, but DS is technically an adult now. So when he came in and I was still crying, he asked and I told.

His response was that he thought things had been a lot better around here lately, that he wasn't trying to avoid me, and that if I needed him to be around more, he'd try. He did say I have an anger management problem that I need to get under control because once I get angry, I have a very difficult time stopping it before it blows up. I know he's right.

LL

Dear LL,

Your daughter is using a WS tactic and it's pushing your buttons. Your son is correct about your need to control your temper but given the circumtances, most would react as you did.

Now, get some IC or call your local women's shelter to see if there are some free programs on how to talk to your kids. Acknowledge your issues, show you are working on it and that will reduce the ability for your daughter to use that excuse against you. Then her real issues will show.

Let your son be your support. Thank him for it and let him know his sister is trying to put words in his mouth. Let both your children know you love them but tough love is coming.

Next time your daughter calls her dad, let her talk to him. Even if she spews lies and he believes her, don't stop it.

You can't fear their threats. Don't let them bully you. Difuse their anger.

Breathe with deep cleansing breathes when you start to feel anxious or frustrated.

hugz,
L.

LL -

I follow your story regularly even though I rarely post. I sympathize with the anger problem. I have very poor control myself and have recently been told that I need to get it under control or my marriage will NEVER get better.

To that end I attended a seminar a week or so ago that made an incredible amount of sense to me. The presenter was a gentleman by the name of Izzy Kalman. He originally started working with teen victims of bullying, but will work with anyone who has anger issues - personal/parenting/spousal. My husband and I will probably phone counsel with him when we scrape the $ together.

Here's a link to his website: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/services/counseling.html

(I hope it's not against the rules to post links. If so, I apologize)

I'm not sure you'll get anywhere with your DD until your anger is consistently under control. It's hard. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I have to do it, so I am no expert yet.

I wish you success.

Seeking_More

I am willing to acknowledge that I have an anger problem. It is under far better control than it was in the early days of my M, when H would come home at midnight, drunk, I'd get angry with him and he'd start the ugly name calling, and I'd finally lose it and throw a plate at the wall. (Strange how the sound of breaking glass can be calming.)

But I knew I was having a bad day emotionally yesterday anyway. Still not sure what the initial trigger was.

And Orchid is SO correct when she says DD uses WS tactics and they push my buttens. DD and her father are very, very similar in personality (and maturity level <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). They neither one are ever willing to accept that it helps to show respect for others if you want to be treated with respect. For example, if DD would give me full names, addresses and phone numbers, and come home by her curfew, I would imagine I would be more than willing to let her have a glorious social life.

Anyway, my problem with anger is not that it shows itself all the time (as DD would imply) but that once it gets past a certain point, it's like I'm at a point of no return and I can't seem to calm it back down until I blow up completely and make an a** out of myself. Does that make sense?

I am at home right now. I called in sick. Feel guilty about it, but it is mental illness right now, and exhaustion. I told them I'd be in this afternoon. I'm still considering whether that may change. I almost feel like just taking the day and trying to take care of some of the DD issues.

For example, I am going to call our Child Welfare department and ask if there is any kind of services/help they provide to keep families intact and help them be more functional. I've been busy at work and the call never happens. So I'm going to make it from here today.

Not sure what to do about the ugly message I left for WH. He hasn't responded--not surprised. In general, I'm sure a lot of my pent-up anger and resentment right now is due to what he's doing, but still, I recognize he had done nothing specific yesterday to deserve the tongue-lashing I gave him.

I'm still very tense today, and definitely fighting a really "blue" feeling. I asked for forgiveness from God last night, but I feel very distant from him right now. Probably still feeling a lot of guilt because I keep asking for forgiveness and then it happens again.

I agree, too, that while DS is not nearly as physically helpful as he needs to be around the house and I'm finding myself doing 100% of the work here again (they were slighty more helpful right after WH moved out), he IS emotionally very supportive. Except that his advice last night when I told him that WH was moving OW in with him today was "cut him loose". I can't at this point.

Okay, I'm going to breathe now and try to remain calm, and have some coffee and see if I feel like going to work in about 45 minutes.

LL

LL, my heart goes out for you. I am not as smart as others who can give you advice. I just send you hugs. {{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}

It gets better. She's gone again--and I'm the dummy who let her go because after a talk this morning, she wanted to go out and we agreed on a 9pm curfew that she swears she'll meet (and I said phones would be ringing off hooks at all the numbers I have if she doesn't.)

I know who she's with and he's usually very good about bringing her home relatively close to curfew.

So what' so bad??

I just went to do a bank deposit, to redeposit the $180 I'd w/d last night to send her on that church festival thing. It's gone...all of it.

I called her. First she refused to admit she had any money. Then she said she had $20 but it was her own money, but wouldn't tell me where it came from. When I was nearly in tears telling her I need the money back--it may make a difference in my paying bills (a half-truth) and said "just tell me if it will be returning with you at 9pm tonight", she said part of it would. I asked how much part is. Sixty, she said. She refuses to admit she has the rest. I know she does because they were $20's all rolled up together in my change purse.

She was trying to pull this motherly, "Now LL, where have you been since you withdrew them?" to try and make me believe I'd lost them. Uh, I was at Walmart where I didn't have that zipper pocket open, and I've been home.

Since she has quite a prior history of suspected theft of my money (thus I keep none on my anymore), I called the cops and was going to press theft charges on my own DD.

The officer that showed up (who I told the whole life story to, just like I do all the others, and then I beg for someone's help) talked me out of filing charges. But just like all the others, he really just shrugs his shoulders on what can be done, other than saying if she's shoplifting from the mall and she's there frequently, she'll most likely eventually get caught. I can only pray!

So now I'm going to call the emergency shelter in town again and ask their opinion. I did get this cop to agree that if I decided to send her there for 3 days (you can do that for free without getting the state involved), that he thought our police department might help get her there if I was unable to, like happened when I tried in December. But he qualified that by saying that another officer might tell me different.

I explained it's physically impossible for me to make her go somewhere, and that the only thing I might succeed in if I tried was losing teeth or getting a nose broken if she kicked at me like she was trying to do last night when I was wrestling a cell phone away from her.

So, obviously I didn't go in to work. I'm at my utter wits end. Everyone says "You have to do something about her." I'm TRYING! But everywhere I turn, it's another dead end.

Oh yeah, and the officer asked if her father might be any help. I gave the abbreviated version of why I didn't think that would work.

LL

Hi LL -

I have no advice to you about your daughter (mine is only 9, thank the Lord). I wanted to say hang in there. This must be just like hell for you. I can't imagine...but my thoughts are with you.

Cyber love,
Weaver

Well guys/gals, I've been on the phone almost all day and here's where things stand:

Spoke w/child welfare (Dept of Human Svcs) who referred me to Children and Family Services of Iowa. They were very sympathetic and agree that DD has issues that need dealt with, and were surprised that her therapist wasn’t working to do more for her.

At any rate, the only two options they could offer right now would be to put her in the youth emergency shelter for the 3-day “cooling-off” free period that our state allows. If that isn’t what I want, or isn’t effective, her other suggestion was to contact Dept of Human Svcs again and discuss voluntarily placing her in foster care (aka, giving up my parental rights and trusting another family or a group home to keep her safe). This is exactly what I've worked for so long to try and prevent.

A huge fear of mine since last fall when WH walked away has been that my DS would go away to college this fall (a good, but lonely thing), WH would leave me, and DD would end up being taken out of my home. My fears are coming closer to reality.

And Weaver, yes it does feel like hell. My stomach is in knots today and I've eaten near nothing. But I know real Hell is far worse (and permanent). I really do wish things would let up some, though. I'm sure God is making me stronger, but I'm feeling pretty exhausted mentally and physically right now.

My pastor also wasn’t able to offer any advice. He said this is beyond what he knows how to deal with and suggested I work with a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in childrens’ issues. I am already doing that—just doesn’t seem to be effective.

So, it’s one of those situations were as hard as I am trying to do something, it seems my hands are somewhat tied until she really screws up and gets busted or runs away.

And where is she now? Well, phone rang about an hour ago. Another nameless cell phone number shows up on caller ID. She says she’s with Katie (no last name, no address). Wanted to know if she could spend the night. I said “no—be home by 9pm like we agreed on.” She hung up.

If I knew where she was, I’d go drag her out. But I don’t. I left a message on Katie’s cell phone, but no one has returned a call. My plan had been to get her home, and then to call the cops to come help me get her to the shelter tonight without her knowing, and THEN when they arrived, explain what I was doing and why. The shelter does have open beds for a change.

But it looks like that isn’t going to happen either. I am SOOOOO frustrated and nauseas. I feel like God has something against me, like maybe there is a major sin that I’ve not admitted and thus I’m suffering for it. But logic tells me that I am probably suffering because of others’ poor decisions and sin on their part. Still doesn’t make it easier.

And I know that if WH ever pulled his head out of his rear and did come back, his “recovery” would last about 24 hours with DD acting the way she is right now. This is a major problem he had before he left—her disrespect and behavior issues, but he saw it as my responsibility to fix. His job as the parent wasn’t really to “parent”, but to “provide”. (Funny how I did 50% of the providing, but rarely received credit.)

And then if we don’t end up together, there isn’t anyone else who would put up with her either. Makes me really angry how two people I’ve busted rear to love and to try and protect (DD and WH) can care so little about how they affect others’ lives with their own selfishness.

BTW, I did leave a text on WH's phone with an apology for ranting on a voice message last night when I was blowing my top. Told him that although I am hurt and angry at what has happened, that he did nothing specific to deserve my wrath yesterday. No response back from him.

LL

LL, can you find a place like where my D went? If she is locked up for few days, it may be good for her. I told D that she may end up there if she keep behaving bad. I knew I was mean saying that, but that is what it took to stop her. SHe said she is going to give me a massage before bedtime now.

Where your daughter is going sounds reallly great. I'm not sure what we have here. My insurance is very picky and won't pay for inpatient treatment unless they decide she's suicidal, and right now that doesn't seem to be the case. But the emergency shelter will take here for three days regardless of the situation. It's not the greatest place--they don't really do much counseling or anything, and it's not a locked facility (so she could run away), but it would at least be showing her what it could be like to be pulled out of her home.

Right now, I can't do anything because she isn't home and I can't get ahold of her anywhere.

LL

LL, I pray for you and your DD.

LL, I admire your strength through all this, and you're in my prayers. I have followed your story, but have not posted on your threads that I can recall. The challenges you face are in a whole different league from mine. Hang on, and you will come out the other end of this soon.

GC

Sorry...even longer than my normal novel. Lots on my mind.

WH just left--was here loading his furniture, clothes, and everything he needs to set up house with OW tonight. They got possession of their apartment today.

It is more painful than I expected it to be, considering he's been moved out of here since 2/9/04 and has been essentially with her all the time. She even stayed days at a time with him in his first apartment, but it wasn't quite the same.

He was very calm and non-hateful tonight, and fairly sober from what I could tell. He told me that if I'd have let him move back in when I returned from Florida last week, he can guarantee everything would have ended.

Of course I'm letting that eat at me, because I'll never know. I didn't let him.

But I told him tonight that I couldn't, because I need to see action before I can let him come back. I need proof of change. And he says that because of that, he sees where I stand and that's why he had to get this apartment (because he needed a place to live) and had to move her in because he can't afford a place by himself. I maintain that he could have somewhere found a cheaper apartment. He said "You try and find one!"

He told me that his coworker told him tonight not to do this if it didn't feel right. He said they wheels are in motion and he can't stop them now. And apparently he and OW spent the night last Sunday with the aunt in Ames (where she was supposed to move until he agreed to let her stay with him). He said it's an icky old mobile home with food crumbs everywhere, bugs, and a teen-age cousin who gets drunk and brags about getting laid and how she's been so drunk she throws up in the bed.

Okay, my WH, for all his flaws, has a really kind heart for "lost puppies". So this was the clencher. He couldn't let OW move into that situation, he said.

I do understand, but told him I still maintain she could have moved in with her mom.

Then I told him, "WH, you're around the baby a lot, right." He said yes. I went on to ask him to not take my statement the wrong way but to please don't expose that baby girl to the same alcoholic childhood that our kids experienced.

I told him if he was so worried about making things better for her kids, to pick himself up out of his mess instead of stooping lower and lower. I started crying when I told him again I'm worried about his eternal future and just keep praying that he'll turn back to God, even if he can't turn back to me.

He started crying. He hugged me.

I asked if he would ever consider talking to someone from AA to help him get sober. He actually said yes, he might. And he didn't seem angry.

He then said he'd even considered calling our pastor and talking to him--that he was nearing the bottom.

(This is probably my sign that his is at a perfect spot for Plan B, huh?)

He hugged me again, then pulled me over for a little peck on the lips and said, "LL, I miss us."

I really do believe that somewhere inside him God still has a little corner of his heart, or he wouldn't be struggling so much with what he's doing. I'm thinking I'll call our pastor tomorrow (too late tonight) and tell him about WH's comment (I found it very exciting but don't want to get my hopes up), but to hold off talking to him for a little while so that he doesn't think I just ran and told on him.

Right now it doesn't matter. My first love is now living with another woman and my little baby girl is on the fast track to destruction, is currently nowhere to be found, and I have no idea what the future holds for her.

What is God doing in all this, and why does it hurt so much again? I know he'll keep me going for as long as he needs to, but times like this sure make it really tough. God feels so far away right now.

LL

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told him if he was so worried about making things better for her kids, to pick himself up out of his mess instead of stooping lower and lower. I started crying when I told him again I'm worried about his eternal future and just keep praying that he'll turn back to God, even if he can't turn back to me.

He started crying. He hugged me.

I asked if he would ever consider talking to someone from AA to help him get sober. He actually said yes, he might. And he didn't seem angry.

He then said he'd even considered calling our pastor and talking to him--that he was nearing the bottom.

(This is probably my sign that his is at a perfect spot for Plan B, huh?)

He hugged me again, then pulled me over for a little peck on the lips and said, "LL, I miss us."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL - take him up on the AA people - He knows he is out of control and wants something / someone to stop him on some level. Despite appearances this is good. Ask the AA's to do a 12 th step call. Even if nothing happens right away, it has a way of planting a seed in his mind, and many times ruins a person's drinking.

I am not sure this is time for plan b. He's looking for hope and help. He's giving the signs. Put the help in front of him and see if he takes it. Then you can re-assess after that. Just go step by step.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

What is God doing in all this, and why does it hurt so much again? I know he'll keep me going for as long as he needs to, but times like this sure make it really tough. God feels so far away right now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God can only do for you what he can do THROUGH you. God is there for you right now. He never promised us easy times. There will be good that comes out of this. I know it hurts, because you care, because your human, and that's the way God made us.

I've got to get to bed, I stayed up way too late last night on these boards.


(((((((((((LL)))))))))))))))

D.

Dear LL,

I can't see where your stance sent him to the apt. Those plans were already in motion, he said that just to irk you and make you feel guilty. You need to see past that babble, ok?

Now as much as it hurts his living arrangements with OW, he is willing to easy her conditions and not that of his family even though his children are in distress in addition to yourself. That is not what a real H and father would do.

Nope he is still in the fog and plan B s/b enforced properly. It w/b a hard stance but if you want to see progress, you need to let him go and go boom on his own.

The more you pull back the more he will come forward towards you. Don't settle for crumbs of attention when you need the whole enchilada.

Each time my H tried to come back, he was informed the stakes for return went higher. If he could not meet them, then out he went.

Don't lower your family's value for his substandard of OW living. You are all worth more than that. Your family is priceless not worthless.

JMHO,
L.

Yes, your DD is on a road to destruction. And your job is to put up a roadblock, maybe even to create a crash.

There is a good possibility from your description that she is pregnant. What then?

I'm glad you called child services, they probably have more resources they didn't share also. The police generally have a few options available to them...incarceration or leave them.

She is out of control and a 3 day stay in a facility will only make her runaway when she comes out.

Why not turn her over? Because you may never get her back? See her? In our state the agency has to STRIVE to maintain the family (even when it's not in the best interest of everyone...like in a molestation case...it's kind of sick) but in most cases they have to go to extreme measures to allow visits and maintain a relationship. She will be out of your control. She may need to see how another family lives to realize she did not grow up in the most sober of atmospheres. Why not turn her over? Is it a control thing?

What other roadblocks do you have to throw in her way so she will choose another road? Jail? Go live with out of state relatives? Go live with WH and OW (ugh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )?

If you turned her over you are NOT giving up on her, but getting her professional help. The state has dealt with teens and has some very special people in place that are concerned and helpful. Your DD is in a VERY bad place right now. The worst that you can imagine is going on...think that it is even worse than that. They have the tools to curb her behavior. They know just what to do, the consequences for each act that she is involved in. Do this to save her life!

Sounds promising that your WH was open to the idea of having someone call from AA and to have your pastor call. Time for Plan B? Of course I think so...good timing. I have read excuse after excuse of "what if's"...if you only put the same effort into thinking of ways you could STAY dark, you'd be there!!! I agree with Mel, not what you want right now, so you will flub it, lose even more credibility. But do call the AA folks and call your pastor...get his landline number (if he gets one) so it doesn't cost him minutes.

Praying for you!

LL, I am sorry for what was going on. I would say that DD is more important than WH. Let him sink to the bottom. But you need to get more help from the family service about DD. Prayers for you.

LL -

I know you are going through a really rough time. I hate to see anyone in such turmoil.

I wanted to talk about the anger for just a minute. I am not an expert by any means. I have been lurking here at MB for years and am in marriage coaching. I've been through IC for at least 10 years and it wasn't until just this past month that I understood what anger is doing to me.

I also do not blow up that much. It all gathers in 'til it explodes in horrifying ways. I am not CONSISTENT in my anger management. I am finally seeing the light on how this affects every relationship in my life.

I notice that you - very much like me - have taken on responsibilities that are not yours. It is not up to you to "save" your husband. It is really not even up to you to worry about his eternal life. That's God's problem. Your WH is HIS child. If God is willing to let him go off the deep end - you have no business pulling him out. NO ONE can save another human. NO ONE. All you can really do is pray.

Goodness, but that's hard for me to do. I think "if I just say the right thing/do the right thing/think the right thing/act the right way. Ain't gonna happen. You can only help you. Your WH can only be helped by himself and God.

You hide behind the savior complex. You don't do the hard work because you are afraid.

Of course you are. Who wouldn't be?

But your anger builds. You know he isn't treating you right. You know he isn't treating your children right. You know that no matter how much you cry, no matter how much you try to show him the light, he refuses to see.

You are digging an anger hole so deep LL. I am not blasting you. I'm there digging with you - only now I see all the dirt on me. I am not helping anyone. I am slowly killing myself.

As for your DD - of course she's lost respect for you. Don't you lose respect for people who lose it - no matter what the provocation was? I certainly can't point fingers. My husband can attest to my outbursts. I can attest to his. But let me tell you - each hole he has put in our walls, each door jam he has kicked out of place erodes at my respect. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE DID IT OUT OF FRUSTRATION WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Sigh. I really am not pounding you. I am worried for you.

Seeking_More

Taking yet another day off work--this one vacation, but it SURE doesn't feel like vacation.

DD didn't come home. Not a total surprise, but am concerned that with money, she is more mobile. So, I've printed a recent pic and personal info and am going back to the police to file a missing person's report.

WGTT,

I do believe WH in his own way is asking for help, especially when he made the comment about the pastor last night. He will rarely ever come right out and ask--he's a man.

I'm torn on Plan B. You say wait. Another says do it. A third says I should but believes I can't. Ugh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I don't want to do it and have it be the wrong time, but I dont' want to NOT do it and miss the opportunity if it IS time.

I may call AA today (between all my DD issues) and see what they have to offer. I don't want to ram something down his throat, but he sounded sort of open last night.

Orchid,

I know we (kids/me) are worth more than what we are getting from WH (nothing). I just don't want to pull the rug out from under him without having other support options (AA or pastor?) in place.

He seems to see my pulling away and refusal to let him back in as giving up on our marriage and as pushing him away. Could it be his guilt and feeling like he's gone too far for our M to be repaired? I may revisit my Plan B letter and reword it a bit and repost it here.

SHMI,

I still may do the 3-day shelter stay with daughter if she's found. I want to let her know there are consequences for doing what she did. Also, the 24-hours in the mental hospital in the spring did some good for a while. Just didn't last.

Why not turn her over to the state, you ask:

1) Fears of abuse in foster care or group home.
2) Fear she will have no Christian influence.
3) Seeing what state system did to her 14-yr-old cousin.
4) Fears of never being reunited or not being able to see her.
5) Missing her soooo much.

I know it may come to that, but I think it's something that just every parent will try their best to avoid until they've exhausted all other options.

There are no out-of-state relatives who could take her. I have a sis here in Iowa who has said she could try, but she's insulin-dependent diabetic and has two children of her own. Her hands are pretty full.

My mom/dad aren't an option. Dad has Alzheimers.

As for WH and OW--NO WAY! Never! I just ranted about him taking a crack at her because I was mad.

And as for WH and a land line--no. He only has his cell, which he rarely answers. He screens calls.

LNH,

Thanks for your prayers. I'm going to continue to search for options.

Seeking_More:

I know I have an anger management issue. I have known (and admitted) this for a long time, though have never really sought help. Just tried to control it on my own with varying degrees of success. I do need help. I will check out your info.

I believe you are correct that I take on too many responsibilities that aren't mine. I guess it's because I want so much to help and make things better. I believe my spiritual gifts may be along the lines of helping/mercy. I just don't seem to apply them correctly.


Going to the police station now. Please keep DD in your prayers.

LL