Have you tried talking to DD and letting her know the situation? That if she continues down this path she will be going into state custody, you will be giving up the house, her brother won't have a place to stay and will have trouble paying for college. She doesn't know the consequences of her actions. She thinks you will always be there for her, which you may be emotionally, but may not be financially.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
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It IS true that both WH and I would have to support DD while in state custody. I am awaiting a call from an attorney to see if more light could be shed, but based on child support charts and assuming both of us are non-custodial parents and that the state's income is zero, my WH's child support amount wouldn't change much, but it will all go to the state or to DS's college.

In addition, because I make more than he does, I'd be responsible for paying over $500/month to the state to support my DD as well.

Okay, so if you take away child support from WH of $700/month for two children from me and give to the state and college, and then toss in another $500 from me to the state, that's $1,200 per month I'm down from what I'm living on right now.

Exactly HOW am I supposed to maintain a home for my DD to come back to??? I guess the state sees it as I sell my house, move to an effeciency apartment (not sure where DD or DS would come for visitation or holidays) until she's out of state's custody again, and then I rent a bigger a bigger apartment.

What do I do with DS during school breaks? His dorms aren't open then or during summer.

The state told me if she ends up in their care, the average time span is anywhere from 6 months to, well, when they turn 18. She's not quite 15.

If I sell my house, I'll take a huge hit because it needs work and the basement is 2x4's in the process of being finished. Not to mention, my two 80-lb dogs would most likely have to be put down. One is too agressive to be placed anywhere else, and the other is too scared of strangers. She'll either pee on their floor or might bite, too.

So, the only thing I thought I might have to keep me company this fall with everyone gone is now looking like it may be gone, too. I never dreamed the cost to support a child in state custody was so high to parents. I guess the people I know who have kids in the system don't have jobs, so they don't pay anything. My tax dollars support them.

Makes me want to give up my job. Heck, if I'm going to lose it all anyway, why not sit around for few months and let the government support my vacation??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am REALLY frustrated. I am sinking to that "it's not fair" level today. Why do other peoples' stupid choices have to blow everything I've worked so hard for.

And this also could have a serious impact on DS's school. His budget for next year only works if we are giving him $200/month in addition to his loan/CD/his work, etc. If one of us can't fund that $2,400, he's screwed, too.


LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

LL, have you talked to your son about his sister's behavior and maybe ask him to talk to her...? sometimes even though they don't get along with their big brother, hearing from him that she is F***ing up may get through to her (I know my daughter and son don't really get along, but she respects his opinion..she would rather die than admit it, but it's true.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I also think the poster that suggested you lay out exactly what could/will happen if she continues this way. I'm sure she doesn't even consider the financial burden that will come if she gets sent away. I really don't think they are capable of thinking that far ahead at this age..maybe she needs to see her future..and that will help her shape up in the present?...

LL, have you talked to your son about his sister's behavior and maybe ask him to talk to her...? sometimes even though they don't get along with their big brother, hearing from him that she is F***ing up may get through to her (I know my daughter and son don't really get along, but she respects his opinion..she would rather die than admit it, but it's true.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I also think the poster that suggested you lay out exactly what could/will happen if she continues this way had a good idea. I'm sure she doesn't even consider the financial burden that will come if she gets sent away. I really don't think they are capable of thinking that far ahead at this age..maybe she needs to see her future..and that will help her shape up in the present?...

The part for my car window came in at WH's shop today. I stopped by after work to have him quickly install it. Figured I was fairly safe at the shop. Not so.

I was standing by my car outside the building and who should drive up but OW--in WH's new car. She hopped out and without looking at me (she saw me when she pulled up), waltzed into the shop in a string bikini top and white parachute pants.

Yes, I WAS looking. In a sick way I wanted to see what she looked like--last time I saw her she was in a baggy shirt and sweats. She's built nice--big boobs and slender. Exactly what he wanted and exactly what I'm not (Ok, I'm slender).

So I had a really good picture of what she looks like from the waist up without clothes, because she didn't have much on. I saw what he gets to see. I saw another woman driving my WH's car. He even said she was angry because he only titled/licensed it in his name and not in both.

In her eyes, he's hers forever, regardless who he's M to. And he must feel the same. He was nervous as heck as soon as she got there and hurried and finished my job and didn't say much and walked away.

Haven't seen her in 7 months. Wasn't prepared to see her tonight--especially not in a bikini top. Maybe he likes that? Maybe I'm too uptight and modest? I can't imagine walking around in downtown Des Moines, even if it is into an automotive shop, in a bikini. It's not Daytona Beach.

So I'm bummin'. It hit a really sensitive nerve. No amount of surgery would make me look that shapely and attractive and natural. And her being 12 years younger than me doesn't hurt her chances either. And now she has a full-time job--something else to impress WH.

Telling myself on the way home "God made me just the way I was supposed to be made."

Now I have to BELIEVE that!

LL

On a totally unrelated note, maybe a bit of good news:

The juvenile detective recommended to me by other officers last week has picked up DD's theft case. Called today. With that and recent runaway issues, he's fairly confident a case can be made to get her set up with a "tracker"--a probation officer of sorts.

Had to take her in and have her booked today. They printed her and photographed her. She enjoyed it. She truly doesn't get the seriousness of the situation.

It will be 3-4 weeks before I even get a letter form juvenile court setting a court date (so they may get a LOT more runaway calls), but from there hopefully they may be able to help. He told me they may also be able to work in some random drug testing, seeing as she had a positive test last October.

DD's therapist was pleased to hear this. She is holding off sending the letter to the County Attorney and Child Welfare. We'd rather try and deal with DD thru the judicial system and keep her in my home if at all possible, rather than making me turn over custody to the state.

Oh, if the tracker-thing happens, it also gives the cops the ability to pick her up and take her to our juvenile lock-down detention facility if she violates her curfews, etc. They couldn't do this without her having a police record. The theft of my money provided that.

I'm praying this might be the beginning of help for DD.

LL

Today's update: DD stayed home all night last night. Yeah! It was nice getting up this morning and peeking in and seeing her sleeping in her room. (I'm sure she's out with friends by now, though.)

In answer to some earlier questions:

Yes, I have tried numerous times to explain the severity of the situation to my DD, and how we may lose everything because of her choices. It doesn't sink in. I don't believe she thinks things will ever happen. She lives in a fantasy world.

And yes, her brother has tried to talk sense into her. He's not perfect either. But he has a clue. She listens to him on occasion, but recently she's listened to no one.

The only person who hasn't talked to her about what she's doing is WH. Heck, he hasn't even seen her since May, I don't think.

As for WH, nothing new to report.
-----------------------------------------------

Separate question: For those of you 35 and over, do you get to the point where you feel totally physically exhausted from all this, even though you've really not done that much physically?

For the last week or two, I have been absolutely fatigued to the max. I can't keep a thought. My brain feels heavy. I sleep, but never feel rested. I am not productive at work. And I am so tired I feel almost nauseas and dizzy.

I am eating better and sleeping better than at th beginning. But I seem to get more and more worn out as time goes on. Trying to figure out if it's just everything that's been going on that has emotionally drained me so much that it's taking a physical toll. I know I'm not 25 anymore!

Last time I was at the Dr. (a few months ago), and they my white count, I was okay.

And it's not depression. I really want to do things. I just have ZERO energy to do them. I can barely drag myself out of bed.

Just wondering if anyone else feels that way after months of taking a beating from the A.

LL

LL, did you remember me complaining the samething over and over. You are not alone. It is very tiring, pgysically and emotionally. Now I don't get up till 8:30 everyday, making up the sleep I lost in the past few months. I think you need to do that too. I am glad that your DD satys home now. I can hardly drag my children outside. I just took them out to the market to buy little things, the purpose is to have them move. We walked there.

LNH,

I do remember you being very tired and cold, but I wasn't sure you were sleeping or eating well at the time. I am eating. And except for the 4am "potty break" that my one dog thinks she MUST have each night, I sleep from around midnight or so until 7:30am approx. You wouldn't think I'd be tired or run down.

But I actually felt better physically a couple months ago. I am exhausted, almost like being in a stupor, most of the day. Last night I went to bed before midnight, forgot to set an alarm, and didn't wake until after 8:30am. And I still felt exhausted.

Maybe it is everything compounded together--WH's A, moving in with OW, and then DD's major issues over the past couple weeks. Whatever it is, I could just lay my head down and take a nap right now. I'm not getting nearly as much done at home as I was before.

Yes, DD did stay home last night. I don't know if she'll be there tonight. We take it one night at a time, and if she runs without my permission, I'm supposed to keep calling the police.

I really hope she does get assigned a tracker. It is tough trying to keep tabs on her 24/7.

LL

Lordslady - I feel for you. Yes all of this stuff is physically draining.

My WH's OW is 18 years younger than us. And no, I will never look like her.

But I think that your WH will get tired of the girl. Seems like he needs you more.

Psalms 37

prayers to you, RR

Hi Lordslady,

I don't know if I have ever posted to you but I have read your threads.

I understand what you are feeling.I have felt it too,like a big weight on me for the past 9 months affecting every cell in my body.I realized we had DDays close to each other's.

I think though since I made the decision to D WH for the first time in a long time,I feel hope.Hope that I can be happy again,I can be free of WH's tentacles and his hurtful selfish actions.That I can have a life where it's just me and my girls and my border collie.It still hurts from time to time what has happened and there will always be a deep seeded sadness for all the pain WH caused and what he and the homewrecker destroyed but they deserve each other,two selfish users who care about nothing but themselves.

I don't want someone like that in my life anymore.I have forgotten how it feels to be treated like a wife,a lover and a friend.My WH is like a cancer and I need to excise him.He is making my life awful and I know I deserve better.Now I can't wait to be rid of him.He is no longer the man I used to know and love.He's dead.I want to purge all this toxicity(Infidelity) from my system so I can be whole again one day.

I hope you can find the strength to carry on until you are just done.I came to that conclusion months ago.It was clear to me what path I should take and with God's guidance I am doing it.I don't advocate D at all but it is an option,the only other option instead of continuing on in a painful "marriage".

I'm sorry too that you are having issues with your daughter.It could easily be anyone of us with children.They react and act out their pain in different ways.I hope your DD will be alright.I will say a prayer for you in addition to all my fellow MB'rs.

O