hw

I just wanted to say that as another army wife you are doing ok. These days there seems little choice to deciding between unplatable options.
I know i do not feel my H should be going back right now. But he WANTS to go and I suppose I also contributed to his decision to go back more to my shame.

But I am proud of my H as well. I worry to. He is waiting for the ok to go again right now and that is very hard for all of us who will remain safe at home.

All we can do is pray for them, hope for the best and help them when God willing they come home.

I hope that all is well with you and yours and will remain so.

My best wishes

CL

heroswife,

I can tell you admire and deeply love your H.
The Pride shines through. (Even through the hurt).
I hope he also realizes how much of a hero you are as well.

In some ways it can be just as difficult to be the ones left behind. As you have no control (or many times  even info),  to what is going on.

As a former soldier, USMC, I can sympathize with your plight. In fact I feel bad, because if not for the politics,  this Iraq situation could have been taken care of in the First Gulf war and you and yours would not even face this dilemma.

As to your points:
If you think you sound or have ever sounded weak, spineless or stupid........then you are envisioning a completely different woman then is formed in my mind  as I read your posts.
If that really is you, you've completely fooled me.

I have been following your situation, and now that you've come to a decision, its just pulling at me from so many different angles.
I so much want to hit on the many separate issues you've raised but I don't want this to be one of those insanely LONG posts that you have trouble staying awake through. Having difficulty with brevity.

In any case,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had been able to better deal with him working with her and her being a totally hag to me then we could finish our tour here and then move to the front-line unit. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you have to look at this point and realize that you did try this approach and it just wasn't going to work out.
You compromised and Tried. Unfortunately, No Dice.
Now you are simply being realistic and trying another plan.
NO guarantee this will work either, but the other one WAS going to fail at some point.
Better to move on and keep trying then give into the inevitable.

In my heart, I truly wish you could have found a way to "OUT" this other woman, especially with her being his superior.
My own personal views cringe at anyone Abusing their Power & Authority.
(For evil to florish all it takes is for Good Men to say nothing)
However, I do recognize the importance of honor, duty, trust and respect in the military.
Even if the rest of our society has for the most part lost sight of these qualities they are still alive and well there.
Not only for their value, but because they are necessary.
So for you to bite the bullet and permit your H to keep his reputation in tact, IS in itself a huge sacrifice.
Never loose sight of this fact OR Diminish its significance. It is a Big Deal.

Also recognize that this decision to move on, WAS a POJA. You both got what you wanted; him to keep his dignity and record clean and you to have him AWAY from the OW. This was a Joint decision. A hard choice, No Doubt! But necessary. No one here ever claimed that the consequences of A's are easy. But your dealing with it, so give yourselves at least that much credit.

Next,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If something happens to him this will all be my fault.
& What have I done? What have I done?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not and will never be all your fault!
Furthermore, all you've done is the Best you can come up with to deal with an intolerable situation.

Fact: your H was going to go back to this type of unit at some point.
So all this has done is move that time table forward. Unfortunate and poor timing, for sure. But it was coming in any case.

In addition, This appears to be where your H is most comfortable being.
So perhaps for him personally this can be a good place to get his priorities back in line.

I can sympathize with you that life is all about personal perspective.
So many BS after their D-day think it is the worst and most difficult thing to deal with. Yet, then there is a situation like yours and you have to balance feelings of betrayal, with the possibility of death of a spouse.
Very few have to deal with that double burden.
I can see where it makes you say, "Why can't I just be stronger and suck it up!"
Faced with that, Recovery at times, can seem like such a much smaller task, when compared to the reality of war.
Sorry for you to have to deal with them BOTH at the same time.

I could go on and on about things you've written, but I want to make sure I fit in a few of my concerns (that you've most likely already went over to yourself).

You can correct anything I'm incorrect about:

It seems that you believe that his being on the front lines and being away for SO long had a major influence on his getting into the A in the first place.
Do you believe it was more the guilt of leaving (yet wanting to stay) or not being able to mentally and emotionally process the unfortunate but necessary "horrors" of wartime?
In other words, Basically trying to shift back to a more "civilian" or states side mentality.
I want to know is his problem more being home after being there OR just not being able to stay there in the first place?

Has or is he getting help for any of this whichever the case?

Next, Its so unfortunate, that at the time you 2 need to be together to heal, he might leave.
(However, keep in mind you were NOT Going to heal with him and YOU being with that OW....just was never going to happen).
So the question is, since you most likely will be apart again, perhaps soon:
What have you learned from the first go round of being apart, and what are you BOTH going to do differently to make sure that your M and relationship is healthy and strong enough to survive this separation?

Indeed, Your eyes are wide open this time. You now know the pitfalls.
You must have a Plan to deal with these issues this time.
Otherwise, at the best nothing will change, or at the worst something similar will happen again.
So what is the Plan to deal with the separtation & distance this time?

Wish that at times like this I was better able to keep my thoughts concise, as well as better able to convey my message.
Hopefully some of this has made sense. If not, I tried. (mind faster then fingers)

I want to keep going, but this is long enough so I'll just send it.
You are and have been so strong, so I won't patronize you by asking you to keep doing it.
You already would continue that path, because it is part of you.
However, I will commend you for staying the course and supporting your H in this time. Even at cost to yourself.
Please discontinue putting yourself down and questioning your motives.
We can see that they are pure.

I'll include You, your family and your H in my Prayers.
Best wishes in your new situation.
Take care and God speed!
Semper Fi! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

honestly could not have said it as well as or better than top rope did. just know that i'm saying ditto to everything he said and ditto to the questions he asked. much love and prayers to you, RR

p.s. remember God has fashioned you w/the proper and appropriate armor and just rely on those tools, whether it be the helmet, the breastplate, shield, sword, or sandles, etc. the breastplate of righteousness and shield of faith is VERY powerful as well as the other pieces of armor and will and is helping you. peace out!

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Crazed -

I'll address your comments first. I thank you for your support. It is always helpful to hear from other military wives. Our siutations are far removed from most non-military family lifestyles. When you say your H is going back partly because of you do you mean he is going to get away from you? If so, why? Are you working on recovery and have you had any help from the military? How can you heal if he is gone?

Top-Rope -

Thank you so much for your response. And I do not mind a long response. I read here constantly and hearing other's ideas has been very helpful for me. I'll address a concern you brought up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you believe it was more the guilt of leaving (yet wanting to stay) or not being able to mentally and emotionally process the unfortunate but necessary "horrors" of wartime?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll give a little background here. We were high school sweethearts and had been married exactly 9 years when the A happened. He came home from the war in May of 2003. While he was there he participated in the famous rescue mission. Part of that mission required him to spend hours digging up the bodies of murdered soldiers. The mission to save the one famous soldier was not the only thing that happened and most people overlook that aspect of the glorified mission. Seeing those bodies and knowing the way they were murdered was horrible.

He told me shortly after that he would never forget the looks on their faces. There are other details that haunt him but I won't go into that. I'm sure you can imagine the rest.

The night before he spent several hours with one of his best friends that had transferred to the unit he is now going to. We were very close to this friend and his family. As a matter of fact his wife and I had kids around the same time and for years we spent every social hour with them. We were very close. After returning from the glorified mission he was told that this guy had been killed in an ambush.

This devastated my husband. I found out almost as soon as he did. I had no contact with my husband. No letters, phone calls, email. I knew he knew and he knew I knew but we could not comfort each other.

I attended his funeral and spent time with his wife...who was one of my best friends. It killed me to see him in a coffin, stand next to his wife and hold their baby who was the same age as my baby.

I can't begin to explain the impact of that situation. I knew my husband would be destroyed with worry of how I was handling it, how his wife was handling it and trying to deal with it all by himself.

He came home from the war a changed man. He went to an Army related school in August. That's where he met OW. My job is very stressful and about a month after his return I had to do a great deal of traveling. I guess I wasn't able to give him the support he needed. He was struggling with the thought of leaving the unit he had spent so much time with. That unit was in the process of deploying again. It was too much for him to handle. I think he also had issues with my success and the amount of money I make. I can't explain that. Throw an unruley 2 year old and a 9 year old very needy but sweet child in the mix and there you have it.

In a nutshell he moved us here to be with her. I have it in an email he sent to her. He moved us 2 miles from her house....he was even excited to introduce me to her when he graduated the school. That is just sick....how cruel.

He fell into the A without even thinking about it. It was so easy for him.

So we are working on what lead to the A. I am very focused on meeting his needs and vow to meet every need he has regardless of my own interest.

I think I've rambled. I'll end with this...

I have a great deal of guilt for the situation we are in right now. I know I have been supportive of him and his career. I haven't received the same in return. If anything he treated me with indifference before the A and I resented him for that...I now tell him what my needs are and I'm trying to help him meet my needs. I look back now and I wonder why I didn't have an A. I was alone all the time. I felt resented and unappreciated.

I just wish this had never happened. I think I've revealed more info in this one post then I have in all my others.

hug for you {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{heroswife}}}}}}}}}}}}}
that guilt is very powerful and excruciating at times, you know i have some powerful guilt working in me as well but "my grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness. most gladlytherefore will i rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthinas 12:9

of course there are many other versus out there that would be fitting but this is the one i'll leave you with. i have to leave work early today to get the phone and cable set up at my new place which i'm moving into tomorrow. prayers to you, RR

Hi Heroswife,

My hat's off to you and your H.... I'm on my second deployment in 4 years and I know how hard this is on a family. I couldn't do this without the support of my wonderful W, and I know your H feels the same way...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What have I done? Should I stop him? If something happens to him this will all be my fault. My head is spinning right now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H is a soldier and knows the risks of his chosen profession, just as all service men and women do. There is no reason, whatsoever, for you to even remotely feel that if something happened to your H that it would be "your fault". I can tell from your posts that you are very proud of your H... and I'm sure that he's just as proud of you.

These deployments are getting longer, and are occuring more frequently, and for you guys, it couldn't be at a worse time... time that you need to spend together... But right now, we've all got a job to do, and your H is willing to put it all on the line again for you, and his country. Just as you are willing to support him.

It's great American's like you and your H that have kept our country free for all of these years... again, you have my deepest thanks for serving your country.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

dear hw

your post in many ways could have been written by me.
Your comments on the resentment and feeling unappreciated, the long years alone, they hit very close to home. Anyway I had an A and H found out. That was in Jan/Feb this year. I dropped the OM right away and besides once in the presence of my sister and Mom telling him to NEVER contact me again have not seen him.
I heard he & his wife moved to another state thank goodness. So in short, yes I think he wanted to get away from me & I accept that responsibility & guilt. I don't offer excuses he is aware of all the circumstances and it hurts him terribly. He is also suffering from PTSD as well just to add to the mess. My mess. No we have had no help from the army, my H does not want it for himself, does not want it on his record. We went to a therapist for a while and I have continued with her myself.
So hw, no healing now other than minor surface things. We both will have to wait until, if, he comes home from another war. But that's my hell I guess.
I can only say it's so true that you don't know what you have until it's gone or may be lost forever.

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: crazedlove ]</small>

I thank you all for your words of wisdom and your support.

It's good to know that there are other military people out there that can relate to some aspects of my situation.

It's also very helpful to hear from people who are not military and know that they have an idea of what we are dealing with.

I hate to think of the military spouses out there going through what I'm going through with their spouses on the front. It's hard enough to deal with a spouse being deployed but to add an A on top of it seems almost unbearable.

I wish the military would not make these guys ask for help. It would be so much better if they could come home and go into a scheduled therapy...maybe with the chaplin but maybe with a trained professional. They won't ask for it.

Crazed much like your husband my husband won't admit to the damage the war has done to him. He avoids the subject now and will not discuss it anymore. He visited his friends grave and I know he brought the reality of the situation home.

He speaks of his friend often. Sometimes we will be talking about nothing in particular and he'll light up and say....I remember when....and he'll go into a funny time he shared with his friend. He's lost many people in his unit and another of him mentor died shortly after we came home. The impact of the loss and him being in a "desk" position has lowered the respect he has for himself.

I'd give anything if I could convince him that he has done his part and should take some time to spend with us. I know deep down that is not true though. He joined the Army to fight for his country and he believes in what he's doing. Some people are just born to serve and he's one of them. I think I was born to help him do just that.

I'll sign off for tonight and try to avoid the news. I'm not sure I could handle hearing of another atrocity in the Middle East tonight. I just want to cherish the time I have with him and pray for a few more months together.

I'll end with a funny story....I thought I'd be a good little wife tonight and tried to grill some burgers before my H came home.....Not only did I burn the burgers but I somehow managed to set the entire grill on fire!!! How does that happen? I mean...grills really should be fire proof! I'm honestly surprised my house didn't catch or one of my neighbors didn't call the police.

This is one area where I consider myself a typical woman!! I should not be allow to drive a car, operate heavy machinery or man a grill!!

HEROSWIFE,

I truly THANK You for your very candid and Open response.
The intent was never to open up old hurts in you, simply to show support.
Hope that your being this frank had some type of cathartic effect for you.

Learning more of your H's history really does help to round out your story.
My heart goes out to him. I truly feel actual sadness, when reading you explain about him missing his friends and reminiscing. That really makes this all real.

Just wish there was some better system for these men (who are only human after all) to get the help they need.
I can identify with the mindset that to have to ask for help makes you weak (or at the least somehow "not right") and neither of these things can be revealed to other men when you are relying on each other for your very lives.
Unfortunately, NO easy answers for that.

My empathy goes out to you as well, as I can read that his pain is breaking your heart as well.
As a military W, your life is SO intertwined with his, that its tough to see where each of you Ends and the other Begins.
For him to function, he HAS to believe and rely on you to be His Ultimate Support system. This is a Huge (and tough) responsibility.

YOU are doing a super job at this. But I can understand how the consequences of his A, make this already hard Job, that much more difficult.
NOT even having your own family to lean on, makes this all the more important for you to have some support system for yourself.
As good as you are, even YOU are not super woman. (As much as you'd like to think you are, or at least think you Should be).
Its that whole Responsibility thing!
You also have to be willing to Ask for help, or just like your H, YOU Too will at some point WILL break down.

Coming here is great for some support. But you need some in your "real" world as well. Of course the question is How do you get it?

Next,
Reveling the part about your entire family being moved JUST to be with this OW, is a huge factor in all of your Resentment. Dealing with that reality must be very draining (especially as long as your All still there at that Duty Station).
Just realize that he apparently has recognized that fact and IS doing something to correct it. This part should get easier as you move on (crosses fingers!).

Now to the better stuff:
Very happy to read that your STILL able to find some of the humor in life.
That in itself is definitely Encouraging. You've certainly cried enough, so Laugh every chance you get.

I also like the idea of you ignoring the news and such. After all you already Know full well the reality that is going on around you.
So for you to make an insulated Bubble around your family, even If only for short amounts of time, is a fantastic way to relax, get some down time, and just enjoy each other. Perhaps some healing can even begin in these times.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
This is one area where I consider myself a typical woman!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And don't sell yourself short. In my opinion there is nothing Typical about you at all.
Your actions from your story show that to all.
You seem to be very special. Always remember and Hold fast to that fact.

Just keep us informed when you Do come up with your strategy to stay connected emotionally, even if separated physically.
(But that will be when things settle down and your mind stops spinning from all the chaos from the current life changes).

Lastly, I also want to Add my Thanks To your H for His service in defending OUR freedom.
(And to all the rest of the Men/Women doing the same). [This includes you Rebuilding in Faith 90]
We DO Appreciate and Honor your commitment and your sacrifices (Both Big and small.)

Best wishes on a Full Recovery.

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Hi HW,
YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE!
I hate knowing you are still there, knowing your H is seeing her every day. I hate thinking about the constant triggers and reminders of the A you must constantly have.

You are strong, but we all have our breaking point. I would really hate to see your recovery wrecked because of a poor NC. If nothing else, I think the reason you moved there is a good enough reason to leave now.

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! This is all a result of your Hs and OWs actions, and you are the victim. I have a great deal of respect for your H, but this fact remains. You shouldnt be expected to endure the presence of OW, and if you are having difficulty with this it does not make you a bad wife/mother: it makes you human.

If I were in your situation, I would be doing everything I can to expose her behaviour to the chain of command. Because of her position, what she has done and is continuing to do is unacceptable.

You say that eventually she will slip up. What you are really saying is that you are waiting for someone else to come along and do the right thing. This will most likely be the next betrayed wife, or the next, or the next...

You have the power to stop this, at least within the army. If someone else had exposed her before, you may not be in this situation now. I understand that it is not easy given the military situation, but I am sure there must be a solution. I expect you would find it difficult also because you are such a good, kind person. Some might say TOO good.

You need to get away from there, and FOW needs to be faced with the consequences of her actions. You must put your marriage and your family above all else, and this means removing FOW from the equation and making a fresh start.

I really hope you find the strength that I know you have to change your life and the life of your family. It is impressive how well you have done in recovery despite this situation, but I believe the time has come to stop letting the A punish you.

Sending you lots of love and hope always

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

Rebuilding Faith -

Yes, I am extremely proud of my H. I'm proud of all our soldiers...you're one of those soldiers RF. You know the sacrifices first hand. You know the pain involved with war without watching the news or reading the papers. You live it daily. I thank you and your family for serving our country. Even if people do not agree with our being involved in this war NO ONE should overlook the sacrifices of the people who are serving. Hats off to you!

Crazed -

I am moved by your posts to me. Although you are the WS and I'm the BS I have sympathy for your situation. I know many military couples that are torn apart by As and many times these As occur during a deployment. Long before this war ever started my H's unit was deployed 9 months out of the year for training. I think people lose sight of that. I'm sure your H's unit spending a great deal of time "in the field" training as well. You sound like you are very sorry for you mistake and are making progress towards recovery. I will keep you and all MBers in my prayers. I'd like to speak with your more and will create a thread when I get a chance. I think we could learn a lot from each other and maybe provide support for each other during our H's deployments. And it's not gone forever. You have to know that and you have the start thinking that way. Don't give up!

Top Rope -

I do not mind giving you the background of my story. And yes, it does help to get it out there. I do think that the pain I feel is exponentiated by the pain I was still recovering from due to the war.

I also agree with you that these guys need a better system of getting help for PTSD. My H would call me crazy if I told him I thought his A had anything to do with the war. He won't admit it and he doesn't see it. It's like "out of sight out of mind". I wish there was something more for him. I wish he had someone...even a good friend he could speak to. All of his close friends were there with him and are dealing with the same thing he is dealing with so he would never speak to them.

I'll address your statement of responsibility now. I am a very strong woman. When my H was gone I not only took care of myself but I took care of other wives too. My H knew when he was gone that our family would be taken care of. When the A happened I saw my strengh as a part of the reason. I guess I made him feel like I didn't need him anymore. I make very good money and run an efficient household....I guess I should have been more open with him and let him know how much I do need him. When he left I was coaching my 9 year old softball team, in addition to 2 other teams, I had created a volunteer effort for a half-way house in town and spent one night a week teaching computer courses to people with little or no education. And since I couldn't send my H care packages I adopted another unit from our area and lobbied for the backing from my company. I was given approval and funds to send care packages to an entire platoon of soldiers. I sent 300 boxes in less then 3 months to these guys. I brought in friends and family to help. I even had my daughters school write letters to include in every package. It was a huge effort but very rewarding.

I think I took on too much during that time but I had to do it to get my mind off of everything that was going on.

I do not have a support system with our new unit. I do have a very good friend here and that has meant the world to me.

The unit where we will be going has the best family support group of any unit in the military. We will have more support then we need. I saw that when our friend died. The chaplin stayed with our friends wife for months. The wives rallied around her and took care of her. It will be good to be with other wives again. I miss the brotherhood of our frontline soldiers and the sisterhood of the wives.

And last I'll thank you for your kind words to me. Everyone here has been so supportive of me and the other military wives on this board. I really can't thank you enough.

Sending you my prayers.

thinking of you,
maybe that's one of the reasons God is allowing this change of units to happen is because of the support system that will be there. how terrific and optimistic. Do you not have a church family where you are now to get support from now? people don't need to know the details only that you want God's will to be done in your life and your family's life and that you need extra prayer right now. any true Christian out there will know what extra prayer means because undoubtedly they have experienced trials and tribulations in their own life.

don't have a lot of time to type today but wish you continued strenght and prayers, RR

KS -

I do agree with you. I need to be out of here. I know the A is over and my H has seen her true colors. I think seeing her on a daily basis makes it harder for him to deal with the guilt. She's a piece of crap and the fact that she puts on the same uniform as our soldiers that are fighting this war makes me sick to my stomach.

As far as the blame goes I think I'll always blame myself for what happened. I could've done this, or I could've done that will always be in the back of my mind. I am partly to blame for this and that is a fact.

Exposure....what more can I do? I told her H and I spoke to several higher ups not in this unit...to find out what I could do. I've been advised by all to do what I had to do without impacting my H's career. Anything I do would have negative impact on his career. Should I sacrifice my H and our livelyhood to see justice served? I do not have that in me. I gave up seeking revenge when I forgave her.

I'm not waiting for someone to come along and do what's right. My H went to his chain of command and disclosed the issue. He told them what was going on so this wouldn't be held over his head. They opted not to do anything to him or to her.

So if they didn't do anything then what makes anyone think they will do something if I go forward? Granted I could probably do some meida related expose and that would bring the wrath down on the entire unit. Her H knows as well. It's like everyone just looked away. She continues to behave this way. I know for a fact that she has done this many many times.

I see this as the unit's responsiblity to take care of now. They know and they chose to do nothing. I accept responsiblity for my family and only my family. I'll do what I have to to protect us. She has not called and hung up since I confronted her. I'm hoping that is over.

This is where I start to feel like people will view my actions as weak. When actually doing what is right for my family is the hardest road to follow. At first I had revenge in my heart and all I could think of was watching her be court martialed. I really wanted to see her stripped of her rank, pushing a grocery cart down the street to her new home...a Kenmore box behind Sears. That's what I wanted and I plotted to make that happen. I realized about a few months of this that it was unhealthy for me and I was not able to move on or into recovery because I harbored such a need for revenge.

I realized that the only way to move past this was through forgiveness. Now do not see my forgiveness and completely selfless. It's more for selfish reasons....a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders and I can actually allow myself to be happy. I'm not happy all the time. Sometims the pain of it all sinks in and I feel the bitterness cloud settle over me. That's when I have to pray and forgive her again. I think this is probably selfish of me but I'll take it!

I will have to face her again in a few weeks. There will be another dinner with the team and she'll be there. I'll need extra support during that time. As I've said before in other threads I am a true southern woman. I think my prayers will get me through a normal, nonconfrontational meeting but if she gets "catty" I'm sure my southern roots will come out. No amount of prayers could stop me from backing down from a confrontation with her. Maybe that will be the exposure needed. Who knows...God works in misterious ways right?

I won't ask for it and I'll try to avoid but she has not morals and I'm sure she would do something like that. I hope not but I'll be prepared.

I have also fancied an off the record conversation with her boss prior to our leaving this unit...more to explain then anything else. After all they already know but I think they need to hear from Heroswife.

so thanks for your post KS. I'll have to go find your latest thread update. I need to catch up on how things are going with you. I hope all is well.

Rough -

Thank you for thinking of me as always. You are very dear to me. I'm sure you already know that.

I do not have a church home here. We do have contact with our church home from our last unit. They have been very supportive of us both. We've tried a church here but did not like it. We are still looking.

I agree with you....at this point any church would do...we need to surround ourselves with other believers.

I'm sending you my hugs and prayers for the new house. I had a good weekend just thinking of your next step! If I lived close by I'd help you with your yard! I'm sure your dogs will love it!

Dear HW

hope things are well for you and that it is working out ok.
Just dropping in to say hi and wish you well. Hope you find a church soon that can provide for you. Moving around so much causes so much distruption doesn't it.

Be well and I will talk to you soon

best wishes

CL

Crazed -

Thanks for checking on me. Things are fine today. The news is reporting a marine hostage and that's got me pretty upset as I'm sure it does most Americans.

My H has called me three times from work today. It's a little odd. I'm wondering if he's worried about me or if he's up to something. I do not think it's the later but who knows.

We watched a movie last night...it was a comedy but towards the end of the movie the husband left the mother for another woman...some comedy right? The movie was pretty funny but when it got to that part I was in tears. I'm sure he saw me try to cover it up. Maybe that's why he's calling me so much today. Maybe that brought out the guilt a little and he's worried.

He just keeps saying how much he loves me and how much I mean to him.

He is now calling me Darling...something he's never done in the past. He is also being more protective of me and that makes me feel more secure then ever.

Anyway, enough of my rant.

Crazed is your H infantry?

Heroswife,

Back again.
Of course, Your prayers (and any others) are Always most welcomed.

Unfortunately for you, The more I read the more that comes to mind, so with your permission----

Continuing on from some of your last posts:
So the A has been exposed to basically everyone.( the Unit,  the higher up's, as well as OWH)
This was an aspect that I had missed.  Thanks for the update.

As a result,  as far as exposer goes, what's left?   Nothing (for you).
You've gone as far as you can go on that front. No more from you is needed on this.
You did what was necessary and now it is out of your hands.
Text book moves. Leave it alone.

Nice to read that your H himself, went up the chain of command (to cover his own behind, as best he can.)
As he seems to be getting his request, with nothing further coming, that task seems to be accomplished. Great news there!

Next,
If you'd continue to indulge me, a few more questions come to mind:
[If you've went over this before just point me in the right direction as I'd hate for you to have to rehash it all over again]

1) So You divulged the A to the OWH? By phone, letter or face to face? Is he enlisted or civilian? What was his reaction? Any further contact?
(Sorry, I was always under the false impression that you were hiding your H's secret from everyone, as to protect him......my bad).

2.) Since the higher up's know the relationship and history of the OW and your WS, have they done anything to minimize their contact, or at least put your H under someone else's direct command? 
Anything at all on that front, besides giving him the OK to transfer?

3.) I know how the military bureaucracy works. All too well. Hurry UP & Wait!
Consequently, did the details of the A help to expedite the paperwork?
Has it even went officially through yet? (or simply been filed?)
If so, when do you guys ship out? Is a Firm date set?
Hopefully its soon!!!!

These ?'s are only out of my overall curiosity.
I like a complete picture, when possible. (I'm all about the details, so you can imaging my WW's horror at her giving me her story).

Now a comment on all your activities and obligations:
I can see where all the activities could serve to make you feel better by giving you a release and an outlet to channel your thoughts and energies.  Also the feelings of just being able to DO or contribute in some way, to help not only the soldiers...but the other families as well, Are certainly a comfort.
The whole being useful trap.  Or being needed.

Since this is your personality and it does seem to help and comfort you, please continue to do these types of commendable activities.  We certainly applaud you for doing them.

However some advice:  perhaps just cut back on them a bit. I think you need to take the time and energy you'll save on doing a few "extra" projects, and instead turn that time and energy into first healing (& understanding) YOURSELF and then your M.

With your History that may be a scary thing to consider. (meaning how your so involved and busy ALL the time).
Unfortunately, Many times it is easier to work on and save everyone else. 
Sometimes all that "saving the world" mentality is just a way of avoiding looking inward at ourselves.

Although, I don't know you well enough to say,  many people don't consider themselves "worthy" or important enough to save. 
As a result, Everyone else IS important and their needs always come first. They feel they are not worth being put first.
If this doesn't apply, no problem.
I just see a woman with so many things going on (for everyone else) and not much in the way of anything for herself.  YOU may have become lost in all this. (wife, mother, coach, support leader, BS,   ect,.).

Don't confuse being Busy/occupied with being healthy. Don't use one to hide or medicate the other.

Indeed, Where is "YOUR"  time in all this?
In fact, who are you now?  Do you know?  Or have you gotten lost or at least "muted" to some extent? Are you still a person or a "role"? (or in your case Many roles?)

If ANY of this is even close to true, please take the advice of cutting back a bit on the extra or other duties you seem to enjoy taking on and instead focus on yourself?
I fear if you continue at this 100 miles an hour pace you've set, that you may use doing  "everything" else as the excuse to not work or look honestly at yourself.
Don't use the circumstances to let you bury what you need to do for yourself, by getting overwhelmed with everyone else's problems.

The reason I say concentrate on yourself? Because as So Many have stated before,
YOU Are the only one you Can change . Sad but true.
So continue to do good (you seem to enjoy & have a knack for it)!
But incorporate some Real focus on you as well. And if one or 2 other things have to get passed to someone else, well the world will still move on.

Don't continue to get lost in the hustle and bustle, OK?
OH yea! Also do not get all "Guilty" feeling over making some down or other quality time for yourself . The others in your life will only get benifiets from you being more centered.
Remember, that "IF momma ain't happy, ain't NO Body happy". So true.

Not to get preachy, just want you to have the best  chance to  get the results your looking for. ( being Happy, healthy, safe, in Love, ect.,)

Once again take care,
Till next time..

My husband is a retired Army Officer. He had an affair while on Active duty. His OW was a civilian. during this time I saw a lawyer, at Ft. Knox, KY, JAG, and asked about the situation. He said as long as there wasn't a big scandal the CG's attitude was to ignore it.
Anything I discussed with this lawyer was privileged, so he could not go to the General without my permission. That said, have you thougt of seeing a JAG officer, laying out the situation, the harassment, etc. and asked if there is somehting that can be done, not bringing your husband into it?
If nothing else, would it be possible for you to have the JAG lawyer contact her and tell her to cease and desist or he will contact her chain of command. If you can bluff this out, she might back off.
Just a thought. I don't want you to do anything that will jeopardize your marriage or your husband's career.


Good luck, texasgirl