Top-rope -

I do not mind the questions. It helps just to talk about it sometimes.

The A ended before we ever moved here. My H denied the A for a long time. I knew what was in my gut so I hacked into his email. I found an email to OW pretty much spelling out the A and his deep feelings for her. No proof of a PA at this point. I didn't expose to her H then and that was my problem. We moved up here and were working on our M. I was still in the deep pain of it all and he was very very foggy for the first few months. I felt like he was acting funny (typical WS things) so i sucked it up and exposed to OW's H. At this point the A had been over for a while but I wasn't positive.

So I'll start answering your questions in order.

1. I was on my way to the gym and OW's H was in front of me at a red light...so I followed him. I told him and offer proof so he could not deny anything later. It was proof she could not explain away if she tried adn I knew she would try. His former boss is a dear friend of mine. I exposed to him but my H has no idea. He has coached me on my options. Now when I say I exposed to higher ups I do not mean in his current chain of command. I spoke to a commanding officer in another unit...completely off the record. I really just wanted to know what could happen if I went forward.

I have hid the secret from everyone here. I will continue to hide this. The people I exposed to were people I trusted and people that would do anything in this world for me. They did offer to step in but I would not allow that. It would mean severe impact to my H's career. Does that make sense?


2. My H exposed to the SM for his current unit. He did not admit a PA but an inappropriate relationship and left that open. He has never admitted a PA to me but I know that is not true. He knows I know it was physical. They have not done or said anything to my H or OW since my H walked out of the room where he told them. He still reports to her. At this point he was still not requesting a change of duty station. They didn't even offer that to him.

He did request a duty station change until it became very obvious that OW was going to try to drive me insane by the hang up calls. I can take a lot but one more phone call from her and my religion was going out the window and I was going to politely take off my shoes and drag her into the parking lot. He saw that was where it was going so that's when he asked me to support him moving to this new unit.

3. We do not have orders at this point. My H just told OW and another co-worker last week that he planned to put in to go to this other unit. He asked that they support him in this decision. I"m sure OW will gladly let him go but at this point she doesn't have a say so in the matter. This unit is not something you need permission to go to. You put in your packet and if they want you that can take you from any other unit without the permission of that unit. It's not a given that he will be accepted. It's a shot in the dark and if they dont' take him he'll be screwed with this unit and probably this MOS.

There is no firm date at this point. He has submitted his application and if they accept it he'll have to pass a month long test to go. If he passes that he'll enter another 8 months of training....if at anytime he does not meet the criteria he will be sent back to his previous unit. So that puts us in limbo for several months. My times may be off a little I'm still trying to figure out what this other unit is like. I've had friends go there but we never really heard from them once they were there.

I think it would be safe to say they are fast tracking soldiers now so the timeframe could be shorter. I know as soon as he is assigned to a team he will be headed to the middle east. I'd rather have him over there with this unit then any other unit in the army. Most of his friends are there.

So I think I've answered most of your questions. If not feel free to ask away.

I will add this. When I found the email I called OW. I told her that I knew what had been going on and then I quoted military codes of conduct and used every legal term I was given by the officer I had spoken to. I let her know that I had full intention of ruining her career if I felt that she tried to communicate with my H in any manner. She admitted to inappropriate emails and that was it.

As for my outside activities....I haven't had many since we moved. I'm focused my ME and my family now. I joined a gym and work out all the time. I work remote so I have so much more time with my family. I also sold some stock and had some platic surgery. I did this all for me and not for him. I can't begin to tell you how much better it made me feel to spend time and money on myself.

I go to the library with my kids weekly and we do more things together. I didn't coach this past season...I hated that because I love it so much.

I've decided that if there's one thing I'd like to focus on it's that. I love being a coach...so much that it's made me rethink my career path.

So all in all, I have taken this entire A and turned it around on the world. Instead of making sure everyone else is taken care of I've focused on me. That was my Plan A and I'm continuing it. You are right, there was NO ME before this. I was the mother, the coach, the FRG person, etc...I lost myself.

You are very insightful and I am glad you have taken the chance to help me. I really appreciate it.

Texagirl -

You are so right....if no scandal happens then nothing is done. I know I had the knowledge it create a scandal but elected not to follow that route. I do think that if she continues to call me I will go forward to her boss. She hasn't called since I confronted her. She's childish and knows that by getting another soldier involved in her prank was above and beyond what I could take.

Now she's got a new boyfriend in the unit and has brought this fella into her harrassment of me.

Right now she has completely backed off. I will have to see her again at an upcoming function. I'm hoping that I have the strength at that point to just avoid her. The last function we were at together she really kept her distance from me.

In her conversations with my H prior to being discovered I know he told her that I was off my rocker at times....I have issues with control when it comes to being treated poorly. I won't go into that here but I had serious trouble not backing down from a confrontation when I had been wronged. I'm not sure examples are needed but just know that I have a lack of self control. I'm sure that is why she has kept her distance when in public. I have surprised myself with all of this.

My actions are the opposite of what should be expected from someone like me.

So in short I'll do anything I can to protect my husband's career. I have thought long and hard about making the call to her boss to discuss my situation. I'm sure she's got a pretty ugly picture of me at this point.

Did I mention that OW's boss is a lady as well? She is in the process of retiring and that is probably why she elected to look the other way when my H went to her with the situation. She is also very proud to have another woman in the position that OW is in right now. It's sad that she had taken advantage of her situation.

And to add to the complexity of the situation. The A started when my H was a student and OW was the head instructor where my H now works.

I know that she initiated the inappropriate contact...my H just fell right into it. Not excusing him but she's done this many times before and he has not.

So she creates a relationship with a student who she knows is married...we had met and then hires him to come up here so she can continue the relationship.

How sick is that?

What kind of military laws are broken here?

Hi HW,
If its ok with you, i would like to ask you a couple of things that I feel apply to my situation in some way.

What sorts of things has OW been doing/saying when you talk of harrassment? Do you have any idea why she is doing this?

How do you know it was a PA?

H2B denies a PA adamently, and I 99% believe him, but on bad days I sometimes have a niggling doubt.

What OW is doing to you and others is absolutely unacceptable. It is a shame that some women set us back in our quest for equal rights and respect by being bad representatives! Margaret Thatcher springs to mind...

I really hope you get to start again as a family with a new unit that suits everyone.

Sending lots of love

Ks -

I do not mind answering your questions as all. I hope someone can learn from my situation.

Harrassment has basically been several hang up calls. The latest one I confronted her. I simply called her back. That was that.

I honestly believe there was a PA. Circumstances suggest nothing less. The emails, the phone calls, the conference they went to together...the follow up emails stating how he wished he was in bed holding her, the planned trip to see her the following Monday, the fact that he didn't deny a PA until 2 days after I confronted him and he had spoken to her. His actions after that were completely different then they were when I confronted him with the A. Upon confrontation I asked him bluntly if he did this to get new "P" and I used the word...it's terrible but it just came out. He said no very stunned....he never said he didn't do anything. Then 2 days later he just blurts out I never touched her....like you can't prove it. I know the exact night they spent together.

I know the lies that lead up to that trip and the dead give away is the fact that he was different in bed after that trip. He was very very different and that sealed it for me. I'm a woman and I know.

OK, this has gotten me thinking about that night again so I"m going to sign off for now. I'll re read your post in the morning and see if I answered all of your questions.

I'm sorry to end so quickly...it just hurts so bad.

I'm sure you know how I feel. All I can say if go with your gut.

HW,
Im so sorry I brought those thoughts back for you, it must still be painful. But thank you for replying to me.

H2B is absolutely adament there was no PA at all. I mostly believe him, but I have some niggling doubts, probably purely because I dont know what to believe anymore. The trust has been virtually destroyed, which leads me to question everything.

How are things at the moment, HW?

Sending lots of love and thanks

No apologies...I am working very hard to move beyond my bitterness.

So I can tell you I know it was a PA regardless of how much he denies it. I know what I read and I know how he acted prior to speaking to her. Of course she had to coach him on how to lie this situation away. Both of their jobs are on the line here....

Alright whatever. I'll drop it.

We are leaving here and I hope I can put this all behind me.

Some say it takes an entire year to get through the real pain of an A. I guess my anv is coming up for this...how sad it will fall on my real anv! I'll have a reminder for the rest of my life.

This forgiveness business is hard. I guess it's not really the forgiveness part it's more the release of the bitterness and pain. I keep thinking that if I have truly forgiven I won't hurt anymore.

I'm not sure if that is true.

Top Rope -

I have been searching for hours for your story and I can't find it. Will you post a link to your thread?

Are you still planning to renew your wedding vows? This may help.

I am sure there will come a time for you when that anniversary comes round and you wont even think of it. It is still early days for you, really. True forgiveness will come when you are truly ready for it.

You are doing well in your recovery, I am sure things will continue to improve.

Sending love always

Ks -

Yes, I am still planning to renew our commitment to each other on our anv. I think how we do it will depend on where we are at the time. Now it looks like we might be in the middle of a duty move at that time...or my H might even be away on the exact date.

Neither one of us is certain of our future right now. But we do know one thing....and that the fact that we will be a family. Regardless of where we go we will be together.

I'm leaning toward a barefoot on the beach theme with just family and our closest friends. Nothing big...just us. I think my girls will love this.

His 30th b-day is coming up soon. Any ideas on what I could do for him?

Maybe a big family party for his 30th: a good opportunity to get everyone you love together and incorporate celebrating your anv. Might do you both good if you have a big group of people all celebrating your H and your love for each other.

Then you can renew your vows later on the beach with just your very closest family, your H and the girls.

heroswife,

STOP Looking!! (sorry, had to do that). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I'm Sorry to have wasted your time there. Now I feel bad.

The reason you can't find my story out there is simple........I've never posted it.
Oh, sure it has come out in bits and pieces as I've responded to other members threads and questions. But never just one of my own, with all the blood and guts....start to finish ... under my name, with all the time lines ect,..

In fact, there are NO threads of mine for me to link you too.
I've yet to Start a thread myself. (kind of strange HUH?)

I have to run out with my kids right now, but the short of it is that I lurked here for one entire year without ever registering.
HOWEVER, I was reading (&reading & reading) as well as learning.
To me the articles and questions answered by the Harleys are so important and were so enlightening.

The best aspect I personally got from them was that they actually gave to me the tools I needed to make my relationships better. It was never a matter of I didn't want to (or didn't try)... I just really didn't know Exactly what to do. The problem of knowing "Something" needs to be done, really wanting to do IT (whatever It is), but having no clue how to go about it, where to start or how to make an effective game plan was ...........well, it was what lead us to this h*ll called her A.

The reason I never did register is...Hmmm..... basically as I said, I just lurked here for 1 year after 1st suspecting and then having my initial D-day. I just never found the need to register and post. Guess I was getting all my own questions answered through other posters. Almost any question has already been asked and addressed by many......and usually if you just wait a few days (sometimes weeks) it just pops up again. So I just kind of piece mealed my own questions from others. Then following the strategies here, I cobbled together an effective recovery.

All I did was read and Learn. In addition, I got the Harley's books (Surviving an A, Love busters, his needs/her needs....as well as some others recommended here such as Torn Asunder). Naturally, the books go into so much more detail.

IN addition, I used ALL the information on this site. I read ALL the articles and ALL the questions and material provided by the Harleys themselves. From my perspective that is the true "meat" of this place. That being, first learn the MBers principles and then implementing them in your (or my) life. 
I also went and got what I could from other sites, using whatever seemed like advice I could use and implement for my situation. But this place was the back bone!

I did come to the forum section and read, but it wasn't like an everyday thing for that.
(UNLIKE now). I came maybe once a week.  To me the forum is a nice addition to the true material, but that's it.
Sometimes I feel like way too many persons come here only for "commiserating" and not enough of the real learning and growth. Have you noticed posters that keep asking the same question (in various ways), keep getting similar responses, yet never seem to follow through? *(shakes his head)*

Nevertheless, This approach was just for me, as I excel at the self learning method.
Just give me access to the info., and I'll make sure to do the work and get it done.
I just really took to the concepts and principles here. (My W thinks extremist). I did and DO believe they can work.  But ONLY if Both parties are willing to follow them.  Unfortunately, there is the obstacle for us all.

Anyway, after dealing with this on my own, I finally registered, and then finally actually started posting. I think a big reason was at that at that time I was really ready for my W to come and get as much out of this place as I have. That never really happened. She only came and posted a few times.

My own personal feeling of release came when I could STOP "obsessing" about the A. And I mean all aspects of it. That is another reason I decided to register. Why? Guess I just thought that now I had a handle on my biggest problem, therefore I might be able to share some of it. 
(NOT to say others shouldn't come and post at whatever point they want).
That is just what was comfortable for me.

I am actually honored that you would even Want to read my history.
That is just something that I never gave much thought to anyone caring about.
So your interest has actually made my day.
Perhaps I cheated myself out of a lot of support I could have received, while going through the worst parts of recovery?
My whole Lone Wolf persona........... Ahh, well......more regrets.

Funny after writing all that, you still have very little background. (So what IS HE hiding??) Perhaps I'm just embarrassed that after all I've done, I still don't have that "perfect" Marriage. (I know unrealistic). But I'd feel I'd seem like a hypocrite giving others MY advice when my own situation is still less then it could be. Any way just some ramblings.
Besides you've sampled my writing style. My personal story could take a week to read. OH NO!

In any case you hang in there, as your last response tells me, it ain't even close to being over for you (at least not yet).
I know you are strong, yet try being a reed instead of an oak.
The reed will bend when the winds of life blow, instead of cracking like the tree.

Keep us posted. later

hey heroswife, i wanted to post in a place where i knew you would read. just wanted to remind you that i'm going out of town tonight and won't be back at work until 7/6/04. i know you got a little worried last time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but then again i didn't really tell people i wasn't going to be around the last time. i think enough people here know i'm going out of town so things will be "safe." i don't know if i will post while i'm at our house, we do have a computer but not sure i will have the energy if you know what i mean.

as far as your H's 30th bday make you start another thread and ask for suggestions that way given your situation. i think that topping the new truck you gave him not too long ago would be pretty difficult <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but i have confidence in you and whatever you decide to do will be the best for your situation and your H will appreciate it as well.

i gotta go, prayers and hugs to you, love, rough

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Top Rope -

I actually didn't post much yesterday because I was reading all of your posts. I was amazed to see how many threads we had posted on together.

I was able to pick up bits and pieces of your story and I think our situations are similar with respect to OM and OW work with our WS and were our WS's superiors.

I'd like to hear more about how things are going with you now. Has your recovery road been rocky? How far into recovery are you? How is your W dealing with the guilt? Does she have guilt, even? How have your kids dealt with all of this? Do they even know what happened? How did you get over the obsessing hump? I think I'm doing that now?

I think your advice to me has been a tremendous help and learning more about your situation...or as much as you will let me will benefit me and others on this board.

I do know what you mean about people asking the same question but not taking the advice. I think I fell into that for a few weeks. Hence my fear of exposure....every question I asked was met with the response to expose. I'll gladly post links to some of my first posts. I can't read them now because it kills me. I was in so much pain then.

I don't think anyone here believes there is such a thing as a perfect marriage. We are all just doing our best. It sounds like you have made a lot of progress in your recovery. I'd gladly spend a week reading your story....post away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for my current status. I think I'm going to try to work up the courage to speak to my H about how we are going to move forward. We've had round about conversations but never really addressed how this happened and how we are going to avoid it moving forward.

I'm not even sure how to start that conversation. He wants to avoid all relationship discussion. I can't say I blame him. At this point the guilt just eats him alive. Do you think it's silly of me to feel sorry for him? Did you or do you ever feel sorry for your W when feels guilty?

Gotta run...going to see a comedian tonight. I guess I am going on a date with my H...never thought about it like that.

A DATE!

I'm in shock!

What a novel Idea.

Fun? What's that?
No Fair.
Now I'm jealous.

But seriously,
Go.....Laugh....Enjoy yourself!
In fact, Enjoy each other Too!

Hope you Both have a wonderful Time!
Have fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Use this chance to just NOT think and unwind.
(Whomever it is, they better be Funny!)

I'll work on your questions when I get the chance....right now I'm just too tired.
Perhaps I'll use it as the excuse to start my very own thread. (Should I be excited?)
till next time

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 03:50 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Rough -

I will be thinking of you while you are away. Good luck this weekend. Keep in mind that the people are this board are praying for you. I know you will need strength so I will pray for that specifically.

Hold your head up...

Mr. Top -

I think you should be very excited. Start your own thread and call it something like ....."The Story Behind Mr. Top".

I'm counting on your to do this so let me know. (removed the don't...I type faster then I think sometimes)

The show was wonderful! I laughed until I cried and then I laughed some more. It was worth the $80 tickets I bought my H for his birthday. My face hurts this morning from laughing and my sides are pretty stiff too!

I had more fun then should be allowed.

And get this....I have another date this Friday. My H has some silly task to do Friday night so I'm going to dinner with another couple and the three of us will meet him at the movies when he's done. We are going to see The Notebook. I've read the book and I've already seen the movie but I have to go see it again.

I would recommend that to anyone who is in recovery. I would tell anyone in the thick of an A to go see it...would probably be too painful to see such a beautiful love story.

Alright, I'm waiting for my answers from Top and a weekend report from Roughroad.

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: heroswife ]</small>

HW,

There is just NO Way I'm going to get to this today. Been up and going since 2am.
That's how I edited while eating in the AM. With still so much to do.

Just wanted to give you a heads up so your not looking for a response today.
So feel free to go and help some of these other Nice people out here.

I will try to start with your specific questions, when I do come back.
The answers won't be as complete as I'd prefer, but it will fill in some gaps.

I'm really thinking of working on a more complete history with running commentary to go along with the facts and details. Just kind of scared as to how I will feel after getting that down and personal.

I'd write more now but I can barley concentrate as it is and its only about 1pm. Going to be one LOOOONNG day. I don't function well pulling a 21-22 hr day after getting only 3 of sleep.
Yes, I can do it, but it ain't fun. The trick is to just NOT sit down (like at a computer).

Glad to read it went so well last night. Good for YOU (& Him).
Went so well you get 2 in one week. Hey if its going good, why stop. I can appreciate that style.
Oh my,... are we heading for a recovery there?

Oh yea, if you want the story why tell me "so don't let me know"??
Its OK, (I know typo). Just get a bit silly with lack of sleep (and none in sight).

Now get out there and read, learn, and if you can ..Help.
That's an order. (We know you know what Those are).
Till next time

Tomorrow will be better.... tomorrow will be better.....tomorrow will be better.............

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

OK...I fixed the typo.

I work in the IT industry and I work from my house. I mostly type on a computer for about 14 hours of each day....I'll admit sometimes I type much faster then I think sometimes.

Sorry you are having such a long day. I know all about those.

I'll keep looking for your post.

I'm always looking for someone to help. I hate to see so many new comers on this site.

Hi HW,
Just wanted to check in to see how you are. Havent been able to post for a couple of days because BIL2B came to stay because he had a cold and wanted to be mothered!

Have you talked any more with your H? Any closer to making a decision?

Sending lots of love

KS -

Thank you for checking in on me.

The decision has been made. My H has submitted his packet (similar to job application). I assume we will be hearing something soon.

I have come to terms with our decision and I do realize that this will make my H happy and will get me away from OW so this is the best for both. I know it will be hard on my girls though. They both like it here...even though my 9 year old cries when we leave [our old unit's town] that is about 2 hours south of where we are now.

It will be tough.

How are things going with you? You're pretty close to the wedding now! Are you thrilled?