Not leaving...just CHILLING out. I feel just terrible that others were complaining. Must be my intense need for approval. And my being able to admit now how much I got out of hand. UGH.

I went to church tonight. Now I am HURTING! HURTING! HURTING!

Hurting because I know I have turned away from God.

Hurting because I feel my belief in Him will directly correlate to my belief in the possible reconciliation and healing of my marriage. And I am too afraid and too hurt and too dead inside to ever want to believe in that again. But I cannot understand how I would possibly separate the two. Either you believe that God can do all things, knows the deep down desires of your heart, and wants to honor them in direct correlation to your faith and righteousness, or you don't. And deep deep down, I want a miracle. I want my husband back. The one who told me how I was his soulmate on a daily basis. The one who could make me laugh. The one who thought of others first instead of himself. But I don't know if that man exists anymore, or really ever did. So how can I hope and pray and faithfully expect a answered prayer for something that was probably a lie. If he did come back, I would have to fervently pray that God would teach me how to love WH again. Because right now, I do not have that for him. But I would try, for my kids.

I feel like God ditched me. I believed. I believed so hard. I was so close to Christ. I was holding onto every single breath He sighed out. I was clutching white knuckled to God. And as I believed in Him more and more and more, my family was more and more and more brutalized, destroyed, and hurt. It almost seems as if the more I have taken a step back, the better my home situation has become. The less we are all hurting. How can that be?

I realize I am a selfish brat. How many people are out there living totally outside of God's grace, without clothes, or resources, or freedom, or food, or their health, or anything else that I take for granted on a daily basis.

I realize I am living in total rebellion. My goal should be on humbly serving God, not crying over unanswered prayers.

And I pray now for the patience to see God's plan for my life....whatever that is. I have a wonderful knack of screwing up His divine plans for me. I am a terrible child.

Feel mad. Lost. Bitter.

Not sure what bible verse it is, but I KNOW my heart is being hardened. Don't really want to love again.

Man...big departure from my initial post on this thread. Ironic.

Probably just need to get some sleep, and try to be less dramatic! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm ignoring this post.

Read it again in the morning.

It's 81 degrees right now in your city.

Maybe it's the heat... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is hot. A precursor to hell. Ha.

I have been accused on more than one occasion for being a little overly dramatic.

Good night.

DipiT, you are being way too hard on yourself. And who was complaining? I missed all of that.

You are grieving. Let yourself grieve. You aren't being a selfish brat, you are being human. You are a woman who did everything in her power to save her M. The one thing we don't have the power over is another person's choices, and God doesn't step into that area either. That is why my prayer over these months went from asking God to save my M, to save it God if it is your will.

Christy, I don't know what the heck happened to your H's soul. He will have to deal with that at the end of the day. I do know that you never lost your soul, your integrity, your goodness. Someone on here about a month ago, when I was really grieving the loss of my old M, not sure if I wanted to be "M"ed or not, told me, "In 2 years, whether you are "M"ed or not, you won't be in the same place you are today." That was a very comforting thought. You will recover from this hell. You WILL be in a better, happier place. But for now, allow yourself time to grieve. How many times over these months did I type while sobbing at the same time? As are devestating, and they do decimate our lives. You deserve to cry.
Sending you love and hugs! CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong>Not leaving...just CHILLING out. I feel just terrible that others were complaining. Must be my intense need for approval. And my being able to admit now how much I got out of hand. UGH.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seems all of my MB friends are "chilling", so I suppose I will too. I hope to stay in touch though. Drop me a line at mbcellophane@yahoo.com some time.

Oh, and I agree with CV, you're being a bit hard on yourself about some of this.

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: cellophane ]</small>

Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe I am in this situation not only because of the piss poor choices my WH made, but because I am someone who is hard to stick with.

Just noticing some patterns in my life that are hard to overlook.

I like being hard on myself.

So sunshiny today! Cheer up! I'm actually in a decent mood today, despite the mass exodus here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong> Maybe I am meant to be alone.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Loveable, cuddly, horny you?! Somehow I doubt it.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong>Just noticing some patterns in my life that are hard to overlook.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds juicy. Anything you can share? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I like being hard on myself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not gonna touch this one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Wink wink, nudge nudge, is what got us in trouble, no?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I am meant to be alone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, Ok, you're like the anaconda, or Pygmy Hippopotamus... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Where were you today??

ALONE?!?

Ha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok....angry vent follows...that is my disclaimer so as to NOT offend sensitive eyes. There is always a "back" button on the good ole browser, ya know.

1.) WH has been stalking me. He calls me 14 times a day now. I am tired of it. Basically, he misses the companionship and sense of humor and warmth that I brough to his life, but doesn't miss it enough to end his affair (or physical/emotional, I mean neat pen pal relationship, as he refers to it). Basically, I am in that dreaded hell of "Can't we just be friends?" Well, part of me thinks this sounds really nifty, because I do want to have much more either, and the kids would benefit if I did not HATE him, however, part of me wants to tell him to go to hell. Where oh where did my Plan B go??????????

Anyway, he called me today to ask me....drum roll please.....

if I will review his resume. In my line of work, I do a mean resume. Sure thing. No problem. Anything for you. But then, after all, everything is about you, right??? You and your needs. Gotta make sure they are being met. To heck with everyone else. My needs, to not have you be an extension of my own rear, my kids needs, to not have you tear up their family.

2.) Asked WH for some cash Wednesday. Firstly, because I needed it and he has contributed NEXT to nothing since he left, and secondly, well, did I mention he has contributed nothing since he left. And I am, quite simply, tired of having my lifestyle cramped because of his poor choices. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well, he cancelled our meeting on Wednesday night where we were supposed to discuss this, and go over the final paperwork so we could file the D, due to "work" conflicts, which, whatever, he is a self admitted habitual liar, so who knows. I promptly followed via email to say, nice we are not meeting, but you still gotta SHOW ME THE MONEYYYYYYYYY.

So, I decided to drop it on Thursday, and go again for blood today. To my surprise, when dropped the kids off last night, he did pony up, but not as much as I asked (and well, I did not ask for much, so whatever). A shocker, but then again, not a shocker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

3.) Got up at the crack of dawn to drive to Brooksville, Florida, the redneck capital of the world, in case you are wondering, for a client appointment. My out of town colleague I was meeting there was a slacker. Late. Presentation materials were half [censored], and he made me look bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

4.) Get back in the office (when by all rights, I should gone home, since it was already 4pm when I got back in, and had started the day so early, but I am a committed, hard working employee). When I got here, a client situation had blown up. Thing was, I had gone way above and beyond the call of duty for this client, and had all the documentation to prove it, but since I was out of pocket, the colleague, and indirect competitor that fielded the call, told everyone I must have dropped the ball, which I did not do, and once I got back, I came into a dozen real snippy emails from my management team asking how could I f up so bad. This hurt because I DID NOT mess up, so I had to go back and legitimize, provide a time line for, and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I delivered at a superachiever level hardly ever reached in my business. So my colleague that threw me under the bus was pissed, because I in turn made her look stupid, so she got her panties in a wad, and then I got addressed for being too direct and defensive to her. Oh, I'm sorry. That really entry-level mistake that she was accusing me of, that I would have NEVER committed, that I probably NEVER did here, let alone the fact that I am a seasoned, tenured, management level employee, and she is not, well so sorry that I was offended that she claimed I would not have adequately served the client, and that all you yahoos did not give me the benefit of the doubt and speak with me before you fired off a bunch of insulting emails. But because everyone is so proud around here, no one apologized to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have a serious case of PMS...and am ready to kill someone. God forbid WTBXBFLAHLWH calls.....

Gotta go, will finish venting later!

Wow....ok, some deep breaths may be of order here.... in....and out, breathe in .......and out...


Ok...look admittedly I haven't read the bulk of this thread... just the opening posts and the last page and a half. But wow, what the hell happened here? I've only talked with you a few times and you seem like this totally wonderful, funny, super woman... what in the world makes you think you are menat to be alone???? Sweetheart, if you are half as good looking as a salamander... any man would have to be STUPID not to snap you up in a heartbeat!!!

So...what gives???? What, your gonna let this one guy (WH) dictate your happiness for you? Ok... I understand, PMS... got it and keeping out of arms reach... and I know, still grieving the apperant loss of the M... all totally normal and understandable. So why are you so hard on yourself here...??? Hmmmmm....????

Lighten up already...It's FRIDAY!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ok...now you are going to know I have PMS. It will be evidenced by the seemingly bipolar differences in mood literally from moment to moment. And this thread, let it serve as a written document, proving the psychotic behavior all you men have been talking about for years, that has remained unproven, kinda like how much it hurts to get hit in the jewels.

I am actually enjoying my evening. My kids make me laugh so so so so so so so so hard. Seriously. My ten year old is funny as hell. FUNNY AS HELL!!! The stuff he comes up with is like Chris Rock material. And trust me, I am a super conservative parent. I mean...no cursing. No movies rated higher than PG 13, WHEN and IF I am being nice and allowing PG 13 movies at all. Only Christian music in the car. NO sordid conversations in front of him. Church 3 times a week. Goes to the adademically advanced Math and Science magnet school. Kid lives a conservative life. I mean conservative. But when you are Eddie Murphy, I guess you are Eddie Murphy. Stuff he came up with tonight alone, in the last hour:

J: "Mom. I think our dog is gay. She keeps smelling your butt. YIKES."

Me: "Eat your broccoli"
J: "Mom. Remember what I told you about who has control over the nursing home. Don't make a decision that you will regret later. It is like you tell me Mom, it only takes one little poor choice, and before you know it, you are living in a dark, roach infested nursing home, with some pervert as your bed nurse. Besides, you don't want to live with DAD when you get old do you???"
ME: "Why would your Dad be there?"
J: Matter of factly "Mom, he has already earned himself a first class ticket to old people hell...and there is not much short of a miracle that will get him out of there. Do you REALLY want to join him? Forced broccoli eating may not equal leaving the family, but it is close."

J: All thoughtfully, on drive home tonight "Mom? Why do you think Mr. T is called Mr. T. Why not Mr. M, Mr. X? Perhaps because his hair looks like a T?"
Me: "Dude. Who knows. And his hair doesn't look like a T, he has a mohawk."
J: "Maybe because he has a GOOOO-TEEEE. Get it? There's the T..."

What the ????

Me: On the toilet, taking care of totally normal bodily functions, NOBODY better complain about this one, get a grip.
J: "Mom, what are you doing?"
Me: "Inventing a new energy source, that can also aide in time travel. What do you think? Get out. Can I have some privacy pleassseeee?"
J: "Dude. WHAT THE...Jeesh Mom. YOU ARE NOT RIGHT. Have you upped your daily dietary fiber intake, or did someone die in there?"
ME: Trying not to laugh "GETTT OUT NOW."
J: "Seriously. You are not really going to have to convince me to leave the chamber of stink."
Me: SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

J: "Mom. I thought I should be honest with you about the lunch situation. Each day you make me a ham sandwich. You include a drink, chips and a sweet snack, like cookies or a swiss roll or something. You also throw in a healthy snack, like raisins, or dried cranberries or nuts or something"
Me: "Right. How well I know. I pack it everyday. What is your point?"
J: "Well, the way I see it, we can go on in two ways. You can keep delluding yourself that I will actually eat the ham sandwich and raisins, or your can accept the facts that I simply guzzle down the gatorade, con some kid out of their soda, eat the chips, and finish getting hopped up on sugar with the sweet snack, and I pitch the rest. So why not save yourself the trouble, and just pack the stuff I will actually eat?"
Me: "I could elliminate the other items, and JUST pack the healthy stuff. How is that for ANOTHER option."
J: "Mom, have I mentioned the nursing home options. It only takes one small wrong choice, and you are playing checkers in a hospital gown by a flickering overhead flourescent light WITH DAD."

Funny as hell! Seriously.

Another thing to be HAPPY about.

I have THREE boys writing me pep talks on this thread. Count em. Robby (my retractable roof, financial planner to the rich, pygmy hippopotumus biologist friend), CP (my deviant plastic wrap fetish, scorpion poison drinking, bad boy get banned from MB friend), and my new friend, WMWB, (my deep breathing, salamander loving, by the way, we will need to talk about that whole salamander thing later WMWB, friend).

Really. Who could ask for anything more!?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

...ever had one crawling up you'r back during....


ummmmm....yeah....me either.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Speaking of salamanders, any idea why I would have, 3, count em, 3, slinks, or snakey like little lizards, or whatever the hell those things are called, in my house.

If you have ever been to FL, you would know we breed lizards down here like they breed cattle and cheese clerks in WI, but, why the hell are they in my house.

My daughter is petrified. And my HILARIOUS (yeah, not seeming so funny NOW son) almost has her convinced that they are flesh eaters.

One bad thing about not having eye chart here. He could at least get lizards, skinks, whatever they are called out of the house. What is that saying...ummm..."Reptilian of a feather, slither together..."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong> What is that saying...ummm..."Reptilian of a feather, slither together..."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See what I'm saying... you are a riot!!! Do Florida men have a screw loose or something??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm afraid I don't get the "eye chart" comment... maybe I need to actually go back and R E A D the entire thread here, eh!?!?!?

No, I have never been to Florida... I have an uncle that live in Sebastion, FL... but I, myself, have never been. Would like to someday!

We have salamanders and skinks up here too... and for the record, I have no idea why you'd have one in your house. When i was a kid, we used to get salamanders in our basement because they would crawl in throught the drain tile to the sump basin in our basement. Every once in a great while one would find his way out of the sump basin and freak my mother out while she was doing laundry or soemthing...

However... I think that would be exclusive to salamanders... being they are amphibians and skinks being reptiles and all. So, I guess I don't have a good answer for ya on that one.

Another thing... your lizards don't hold a candle to our mesquitos here in Minnesota. Every year they tell us up here that this year is gonna be a "bad one". HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU TELL?!?!?!? By dusk they are so thick you can't see 15 feet in front of you... the elderly and children live in fear of actually being carried away... It is one of those risks you take by living here I guess... sort of like earthquakes in California...ya know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I call WH eye chart due to the long, original, exhaustive nick name I have made up for him. See if you can make it out:

STBXBFLWH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SerendipiT:
<strong>

STBXBFLWH </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Soon To Be eX Betraying F*cking Looser Wayward Husband...???

Am I close???

WMWB: Do you sound like someone from North Dahkohtah? Do you say thinks like "dohhn't cha know?" I know you already have that midwestern, canadian, "eh?" thing going.

And you cannot rip on my accent. I have lived in FL long enough to claim the sand and surf and lizards, but not so long that I am missing any teeth.

Midwestern, corn fed, milk drinking (if only they would switch to soy....milk is SOOO bad for you), Harley Riding, open the door for a woman, sweet boys are the best. Here, we have a bunch of men who are "waiting in God's waiting room" (i.e. OLD OKAY!!!!), have transplanted here from NY (because their Granma moved down to FLAHHHHRIDDDA to retire, thus the OLD OKAY comment) and a little scary, or associated with the Mob, or locals who can be dumb, or jerks, or in the case of eye chart, dumb jerks.

Maybe I should relo to WI. At least that is better than MI. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hahahaha...just kidding people.

No...close though.

Soon to be eX big fat loser wayward husband.

The g rated version thank you very much. In my earlier post, when I was the "mad" Dipi (that in my schizophrenia I like to call, crazyhorse) I strung together as many explitives as I could.

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

Hey, hey, hey.... first things first!!! Was I close to the definition of eye glasses or not!!! Don't leave a guy hang'n here...!!!

And anoder ting... I ain't sowndin like no nort dekoooten eader... just sow yas knooo. Ohhh yaaaa, dey ken be a sowndin perty strange ya knooo... I doooooint beee dooing dat. Nooooo waaayyy.

And ahhh, yeah... I eat corn...CORN FED STEAK! And real milk too. Soy???? What da hell is dat??? Dats wat wes be usen to make weenie liberal euphorian foods fer dem darned Cali-fori-ians out dere.... ouwwwet west der <...he says pointing west and giving a gentle nod in dat...er, that direction...> Dat soy.... dems crops...fer eat'n... nto fer drink'n yaa knoo... what da hell er dey dooen too yaaa dowwwn der anywieghs...???


Oh... Yeah, i do hold doors open too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>