FM
There--you have done nothing wrong. You are not doing this to hurt your marriage. SHE perceives it this way. You need to state this to her. Will she hear you???? I don't think so. Maybe all the IMs you have will make a difference in the outcome. Might scare her when she finds out. (If you ever need to use themand that will be determined by your lawyer) I don't think anyone feels she is a bad mother. Right now she is only thinking of herself. This is making her parenting questionable. She seems hell bent to destroy you and your marriage or is it the OM? Will this continue if OM is in control--Who knows.

good luck

Well, I'm home. WW is still in bed.

My kids were supposed to go to the movies yesterday, but WW told them they couldn't go because Dad is keeping all the money.

When I got home the kids weren't upset about the movies, but my DD asked why I was taking all the money out of the bank. I tried to explain that I just wanted to make sure that we could pay our bills, that we had water and electricity and food. I'm not sure she can really understand. I feel so hollow and unworthy of my kids.

I filled up the WW gas tank when I got home this morning. Plan on giving her some spending $$ for the week.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: 1Tin Man ]</small>

Are you confronting her with this stuff? Have you told her that you are cutting off the money because you know of her plans? 1FamilyMan, just WHAT are you doing to take control of this situation?

Being "scared" will not help you. You simply don't have that luxury right now. Your spouse is extremely destructive and you must confront this head on.

And I think you should also tell her to stop lying to the kids about the money. She is using them to manipulate you and you are allowing it. Tell her to knock it off, otherwise you will expect to her to tell them WHY you have limited her money, ie: she plans on taking family money to see her boyfriend.

Thanks Mel,

Can't help being scared. Feel like a beaten dog, and everything I hold dear being stripped away. I don't like what I'm doing, feel conflicted over it, ... I don't like the kind of actions I feel like I'm being forced to take.

I told and wrote WW about why I opened the other account, told her I was going to do the grocery shopping etc. She isn't really interested in anything I have to say, she just wants to bash me and attack me.

[quote] I don't like what I'm doing, feel conflicted over it, ... I don't like the kind of actions I feel like I'm being forced to take.
[quote]

You don't like what? Standing up to her? Why is that if you know she is in the wrong. How could you possibly feel bad for protecting yourself and your children? You know you are in the right. Are you afraid she will be mad at you? Is that why you feel bad?

I think part of the problem here is that your W doesn't think you will stand up to her. And I get the sense that you are not accustomed to this role. You need to take a stand here, FM, and BE STRONG.

Women do not respect men they can run over. So don't feel bad, you should pat yourself on the back for taking a stand FOR you and your children. Just remember, you are in the right and are doing the best things for your family. Don't you DARE feel bad for doing the right thing!

FamilyMan, nobody knows better than you that anything you have to do right now is done not out of spite but out of strength and a wish to protect yourself and your children. Do what you have to do. You have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for. Someday your children will thank you.

GC

Mel,

I feel bad about what I'm doing because it seems wrong for the family. Have always denied myself to provide for the family. Have always believed, and acted like the two of us being one. Now I am acting like there are two separate us's. (does that make sense)

Not necessarily scared of making her angry, only that she will lash out and cause me pain. Her anger is irrational, so it makes it so hard to talk or communicate. Hell, there is no communication with her, except with the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1Family Man:
<strong> Mel,

I feel bad about what I'm doing because it seems wrong for the family. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But "feelings" are not truth, FM. You know logically that it is RIGHT for your family. You are stopping [trying] her destructive activities and you know that is right for your family.

I agree with Melody. Is there any possibility that she will go to counseling with you? Even if you tell her you want to just go so you can settle financial matters?

If she won't go, contact the Harleys or Penny at SYMC. You need some backup.

By the way, your feelings are perfectly normal. You are in a state of shock and trying to reason with an angry, temporarily insane wife. You need some help.

I understand that you have always denied yourself for the family. I understand you wanting your marriage to stay as two of you as one. She is not behaving in kind.

She is really disrespecting you and her children by even talking to the OM in your house. In effect, she is spitting in your face.

We, of course can only take your word for what is going on in your home. We only have your side of the story. But, from what you are saying, the actions that you are taking to protect your family are necessary.

She is behaving like an alien abductee; very foggy. You have to be stedfast and even keeled: teh sane one. Try your best to be objective when she lashes out with her angry outbursts. Let what she says roll off of you like water off a duck's back. Be calm, firm and loving in response to her spewing of venom.

Maybe have a prepared answer and keep repeating it. A clear, consise statement of the purpose of your actions....something about wanting to save your marriage and protecting your children...

Even when it seems hopeless it really isn't. Someday she may not even remember behaving this way or saying these things to you, much less feeling this way about the OM.

Do the background check on OM. If he is married, contact his W. I have a feeling this could be more sided and just a fun game for OM...but who knows. She could be in for a rude awakening. It is too bad your W is so blinded by reality right now.

Hopefully, some day you can resume your oneness in all things. Pray, pray, and pray some more.
Believe me, God answers prayer.

God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28

Think I would be careful involving the children. You are walking a fine line there. Since you have talked to a lawyer I'm sure he/she told you not to involve the children. Which I'm sure being a good father/family person you already know that. You WW is going to pull out all stops. Let her. From my own experience that is really frowned upon in custody hearings. If it would ever progress to that.

I might just try to reassure them that you would never do anything hurt them---that you are only trying to do what is best in the long run. Explain the them that sometimes things look "bad" at first but later they are understood to have been the "right" thing to do. Involve them with shopping and getting things done for the house so they can see that you are using the money for the family--not yourself.
When they see what you are doing they may not totally understand but they will know that you are not stealing your own money.