So where do you stand now?

Hi all,

OK I just went ot pick up my daughter from a summer class and my xOM's W was there. Needless to say, I went around the block again so she would have time to leave before I went in but when I got back, she was pulling out as I was pulling in. I didn't make eye contact with her, but I do think she gave me the evil eye.

I was so nervous that I would run into her before I went to pick up my daughter. How do I get over this? It's driving me crazy anticipating seeing her somewhere. I guess I'm worried that she might make a scene. My heart was pounding and I was nausious.

I can't go through life like this. Or is this just the price I have to pay?

Boss,
That's why NC is so imprtant to all involved.

Eventhough you didn't run into FOM, which would be a whole different story, your contact with his W is almost as bad.

She saw you- You are a major trigger to her. She may have been having a good day and you can bet that she's not now.

You saw her- Your a FWW. Seeing her may trigger you to think of OM. May prolong the withdrawal. If nothing else it made you feel pretty crummy. right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't go through life like this. Or is this just the price I have to pay?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You shouldn't have to pay for your sin for the rest of your life but seeing anyone related will make you feel that way.

BTW, you should tell your H that you saw her. Eventhough it wasn't OM it'll help restore the lost trust.

cwmac

I understand everything you are saying but unfortunately I am in a situation that does not allow for complete NC. My daughter and hers will be in the same 1st grade class next year and I know she will be there on the first day of school. I'll be d***ed if I am going to miss my own daughter's first day of school. Somehow I am going to have to learn to cope with seeing her and OM occasionally.

If I could establish complete NC I would, but I just don't see how that is possible.

Boss,
I know this sounds extreme but is there another grade school that serves the area? It won't be easy to see them.

To quickly finish the Homeristic saga of cwmac, I'll give you the quick version.

DDay1 was March'02
NC was June'02
DDay2 was Labor Day '03

DDay 1 was discovery of the relationship and the wife admitted to an EA just bec that's all the evidence I had. The implication and circumstantial evidence pointed to a PA. She denied it, though, which when finally admitted caused a false recovery of over 18 months. DDay2 right back top square one.

I have gone through all the phases of loss: denial, anger and acceptance.

The low point was March '04. I was indifferent to being married. Felt like I was trapped in a marriage that should never havd been.

Basically the affair has lead me to a mid-life crises or at least all of the makings of one.

Were still together. I do love her very much but if she said tomorrow that she wanted to divorce I'd be ok with it. When I first discovered the A I was scared to death of divorce. That feeling is gone. Don't want it to happen but would understand.

So that's me and my story of infidelity...

cwmac

Boss,
I read a couple of your early posts. How is your H doing? What stage is he in now? Still anger?

How does he show his anger? Angry outburts or passive-aggressive? Does he talk about his feelings? Keep it all inside?

cwmac

cwmac,

Do you have children? If so, are you staying together for them? I hate to hear about anyone who is indifferent to their marriage. That's no way to live. Are you depressed?

What do you want for your future and does your W want the same thing?

I know that is a question my H is struggling with right now.

In answer to your questions, I live in a small town with only one school district. We would have to move to go to a different school. Right now that is not financially posssible.

My H is still very angry. We talked last night for the first time in several days and he told me why he's been silent. It's because he sees that I do feel extremely guilty and he knows that he would say something horrible and damaging. Although he looks at me with contempt, he also does not push me away when I am affectionate to him. I don't completely understand this but I'm not complaining. Can you help me understand what he is feeling?

I told him last night that I was never going to give up on us - that I love him deeply and that I know we can get through this. Maybe my determination might rub off a little and he'll see that I am sincere some day. Right now he doesn't believe anything I say. To him they are just words and he doesn't understand how I could do what I did if truly feel the way I do about him.

I thank you for your support. It's funny, I thought that when I logged on to this forum, I would find support from a fellow WW not a BH, but I enjoy our dialogue and your experience helps me to understand my H more.

Please keep posting.

Boss

Bump

Boss,
here is more of my story pasted from a thread to KiwiJ:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My W's A also started just after a trip to Europe. Before the trip their few lunches went from just friendly to kissing (the romantic type, not the "hi old friend" type)

(As I said on Boss' thread,) I lb'd on the trip due to nerves, being responsible for everybody. Even before my lb's she wasn't with me. Friendly but removed.

My lbing on the trip was the final rationalization that she needed to go "pedal to the metal." We got back mid July and by mid August they want on the now infamous boat "ride."

BTW, I have always wanted to do it on a boat. Sorry...never mind.

After the "boat ride," our relationship spiraled downward and I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Of course that led to frustration & the anger. More rationalization. She thought of divorcing me. To this day she's still barely aware that it was her affair that soured our relationship.

One more thing about the boat that really bugs me. He invited W and my girls out on "the" boat during Christmas vacation that year. It was a day of dolphin watching. I wasn't invited. (That was the beginning of the end because I started to put things together.) Anyway my point is he & she had the nerve to take my girls out on that boat. They even sat down below where they had F----ed.

Two years later when my middle D sees dolphins at the beach she talks about how that was the best day of her life.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I have children? -----> yes
Am I staying married bc of them? --->a little yes mainly no
I am no longer indifferent. i was reerencing earlier in recovery.

cwmac <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Cwmac,

So how are you doing now in your marriage? Are you in a better place now?

I am coming to realize that I am in withdrawl and like you mentioned in your other thread - I am going through the stages of loss. Not just loss of the A but also of my M. That is so strange because how can I possibly miss both? I mean it's the A that screwed up my M. It's just so confusing.

I have a NC question for you? There has been NC between me and the OM since d-day, but what about my H and his W. Is it OK for them to have contact or should that stop too?

Boss,

B-So how are you doing now in your marriage? Are you in a better place now?

C-"Yes. Doing much better. As a FWW you need to understand that there will be days that are good and days that aren't. Just the way it is. Don't hold it against him. Don't let it create the same rationalization that occurred during th A. The old saying three steps forward two steps back definitely applies. I get frustrated bc my wife doesn't see that, despite the steps backwards, we have actually taken a step forward."

B-I am coming to realize that I am in withdrawl and like you mentioned in your other thread - I am going through the stages of loss. Not just loss of the A but also of my M. That is so strange because how can I possibly miss both? I mean it's the A that screwed up my M. It's just so confusing.

C-"I think the loss is one and the same. Your feeling guilt. You're feeling angry &/or depressed that the relationship w/OM is over. You may even be in shock or denial that you have done what you've done. Not sure of a bargaining example that might fit a FWW. Maybe your thinking in your head that you and OM could still be friends...not sure. Maybe you're bargaining with you H indirectly about the future state of the marriage.

B-I have a NC question for you? There has been NC between me and the OM since d-day, but what about my H and his W. Is it OK for them to have contact or should that stop too?

C-Great question. Remind me how long since DDay and how long ago since last contact?

Keep in mind that your H and the OM's W are in a place where they probably want to start trusting their spouses again but it probably hasn't been all that long since the trust was completely decimated. Even if there has been NC for several months they are still unsure and need the other BS as a proof statement that NC is still in place.

That being said the contact should be minimal. More like," call me if you think your S called mine." It isn't good if they are in constant communication.

Over the phone is also the best medium. In person visits should be avoided. They will feel a connection bc they are in a way "soul mates" themselves. I hate to use this WSesque description, but I think it's true.

Revenge affairs/sex do occur. Not usually between the two BSs, but it's possible.

I felt very close to OM's W. She was the only one who knew other than the "two". She was the only one who could relate specifically to my exact situation. She and I knew the parties. MB has been great but despite all my posts I can't communicate to all of the MBers what she and I know about our S's A.

During moments when I was thinking of possible revenge towards the OM, having sex with his W did cross my mind. Wanted him to feel exactly the way I did, humiliated. FWSs have their feelings of withdrawal but they can't use that as a guide post as to how their Ss feel.

When I told her about the A, I telephoned her. that was the one time I wish I had been there in person. I felt guilt bc I hadn't called her 18 mos before when I found out about the EA. Also bc she hadn't been on the same long journey of discovery that I had been on, she didn't believe me at first. If she had seen the look on my face as I told her, she would have believed!

If NC has been for several months with no slip ups, I think the two of them should go NC. Otherwise their talking about it is a reminder/trigger.

cwmac

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Cwmac,

You said: "I think the loss is one and the same. Your feeling guilt. You're feeling angry &/or depressed that the relationship w/OM is over. You may even be in shock or denial that you have done what you've done. Not sure of a bargaining example that might fit a FWW. Maybe your thinking in your head that you and OM could still be friends...not sure. Maybe you're bargaining with you H indirectly about the future state of the marriage."

You really hit the nail on the head. Although, I know the OM and i cannot ever be friends. I know that any contact with him would only reverse any progress my H and I have made.

"Remind me how long since DDay and how long ago since last contact?"

Last contact and d-day were one in the same - 6/4/04.

In reference to NC question - fortunately I don't think my H will need his W for any confirmation. See, my H and I work together, so we pretty much spend most of the day together. I'm hoping this will help the trust issue even more.

Thank you for all your help.

Boss