Orchid:

I was told that you are great at strategy </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get on GQII and post to Orchid there. She's the master of this. She could really help you even more as she was SUCCESSFUL in this area and helped many of us succeed. Also expert in confusing the enemy (OP) and in tactical warfare.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More importantly, you have been sucessful at this process. The story thus far:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My W has re-entered the fog. She had an A from Sep. &#8217;02 to my discovery in Aug &#8217;03 (at the same time, I also found out about another A she had in med school 10 years ago). I thought she was in recovery, but she was really in withdrawal. She had several &#8220;innocent&#8221; phone/email contacts with him until Dec &#8217;03. She restarted the A in Feb &#8217;04. This dude had the gall to call me at my job to tell me to &#8220;move on&#8221; The strain of it all, combined with my clinical depression pushed me into suicidal thoughts (I was hospitalized for 2 weeks in April). While in the hospital, the entire A was revealed to family and friends. Everyone confronted my W. She responded by leaving town to visit the OM. By the time I was released, my W had retained an attorney and has since filed for a D.

She has &#8220;fired&#8221; all of our mutual friends, asked for EVERYTHING in the settlement and centers her world around a man who:

&#8226; Lives 1000 miles away
&#8226; Has other women
&#8226; Lost his wife of 13 years to an A (and is still angry)

Although I&#8217;m in pain, I&#8217;ve decided to stand for my family. We have 2 boys (2 and 5) we&#8217;ve been M 13 years and together 20. My W also just quit her job to start her own medical practice&#8212;all while making these gigantic changes. We still live together, so we still have lots of contact.

My questions:
&#8226; Should I fight the D? (FL is a no fault state, so I can really just drag it out)
&#8226; Should I reveal what I know about the OM to my W?
&#8226; OM works for the Federal Gov. and has used his travel privileges to facilitate the A. There are statues against that (he would lose hi job) my L says we should use that as leverage in the D proceedings. Should I?
&#8226; She is struggling with the practice already. I was assisting her before the hospitalization. Should I help? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife has filed for a D. Mediation starts next month and I've been just quiet and supportive. Her OM thinks I'm manipulating her so she's distrustful.

Should I tell her, if she asks what my intentions are ? If yes, will the following letter help or hurt? Thanks all!


W:

You may be wondering what to expect as we enter this transition in our lives. I&#8217;m writing this then, not as a love letter, hard sell or ultimatum, but as an explanation of my desires, decisions and intentions. I do so with the deepest respect for your feelings and the fullest faith in your open and graceful spirit.

I understand that you desire to pursue a romantic, authentic life. I also acknowledge that you've been unhappy with this marriage for a long time. I&#8217;m truly sorry that my negative, oppressive behavior has contributed to your unhappiness and in the failure of our union. Although I have learned from my mistakes and am releasing neediness, manipulation, etc from my spirit, you&#8217;ve clearly chosen not to heal and continue our marriage relationship. You have found an inexplicable chemistry, intimacy, and emotional closeness with OM and feel at peace with your decision to live another life experience wit him. I hear you and accept that you feel this way. So what else is there to consider?

There are alternatives, W, and as long as they go unexplored I cannot, in good conscience, pursue the current course of action. The emotional, physical, and financial cost to us all is too high. This journey toward divorce started while I was broken, you were longing, and we both wanted to end our pain. Along the way we wrongly addressed our needs and issues with incompetent or biased people. This guaranteed failure. Anger, Loneliness, Neediness, and Fear are not places from which to build our future.

While working on myself, I&#8217;ve met people who have built great relationships from ruinous marriages. . They have taught me that the love, peace and happiness on the other side of crisis is achievable and sweeter than we could imagine. My spirit has been strengthened by this experience and I have emerged with a perspective based on what Faith and Love can make possible.

I choose to stand for our family and our common happiness. Principle, faith and right example guide this decision. My actions, then, don&#8217;t depend on our current feelings, situation or appearances. Others&#8217; biased opinions, myths or misconceptions won&#8217;t sway me. I simply will not actively participate in the destruction of our family. Neither am I compelled to sacrifice my life just to be with you or because &#8220;I&#8217;d die without you&#8221;. That&#8217;d be obsession--and unfair to you. I prefer to work on this marriage because the greatest chance that we&#8217;d all be happy is here. God blessed us with this wonderful family and good life. I want to honor those gifts by making the most of them

I care enough about us to risk my future to pursue the ideal for our family. We can move forward with a clean slate. No judging and living in the past. No &#8220;H cries & W gets ignored&#8221; sessions. I will do my part--100%-- without reservation. I will take responsibility for my actions and will stop any relationship, behavior, or attitude that detracts from our healing.

Why another try? Just six months ago you wrote: &#8220;I know one thing for sure: You & I have a dynamic energy unmatched. Let us use our power together and create the greatest gift for mankind--the reminder of the God-self.&#8221; What&#8217;s in this for you? A passionate, prosperous life where you&#8217;re free to be true, where your children see the fruits of love and forgiveness, and you&#8217;re cherished and accepted for who you really are. An authentic life, indeed (laundry and hyper kids thrown in, just to keep it real &#61514;).

God honors Faith and Faith honors God. I believe in Love and Love is what makes it all worthwhile. I know people can change. I believe in us. I have always, W, believed in you. Please know that I love you and still see you as a wonderful woman who deserves all the all happiness you seek. A world and life of joy await. This is my promise to our children and my commitment to you. I hope you can give this possibility for happiness a chance. Really, what do you have to lose?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The sitch so far: Mediation is in one month. W and I are on good speaking terms. OM is writing 2-5 a day and on phone 3+hrs and is beginning to pressure her. W hates phone communication and has expressed weariness with the long distance nature of R. Called former best friend last night and cried for hour stating that she is lonely and doesn&#8217;t know what to do. Doesn&#8217;t like that said friend talks with me and is supportive. Also said that she thinks I&#8217;m brainwashing her and others. Our friend (bless her) told her the truth: I have never said anything negative about her, nor has she heard that I&#8217;ve done so with others.

W is Very suspicious of my daytime whereabouts and nightime phone/internet activities (I&#8217;m still on leave). Every day shares more about what she&#8217;s doing (she&#8217;s opening her medical practice on Monday 6-28-04, which happens to be our 13th wedding anniversary) Asked me to come by today and bring things she left at home.

Is there something else I should/could be doing while the bubble is beginning to burst? I intend to let her know very soon that I will not actively participate in the divorce (see thread: Should I Explain Why I'm Fighting D? ) It seems the pressure is getting to her. Is this a good time or bad for new action?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Dear DL,

I am not sure who recommended me but I certainly will give it a shot.

Are you still in plan A? If so, you should be courteous but not over helpful. Your letter sounds good but could be toned down a bit on the nice stuff. Do you really love your W as she is or as she was/can be? Her life is torn between her A drive vs what she knows she can count on (your loyalty). It is frustrating for a WS. To say you will take her as is or even give that impressions lowers her respect for you.

You let her know you loved her before and may again but right now seeing her in her pain and her choice to have an A is quite hurtful to you. This is leading up to plan B but you are not there yet.

So think about how you are handling that piece. You want her to love and respect you. She doesn't love you right now, she probably doesn't even love herself.....so don't try to extract that love. Work on the respect aspect.

No ILYs. She will notice it and may try to get you to give her some of those words. Save those words for when she is out of the fog. Let her know you are concerned for her emotional well being as well as your own. But no ILYs. She is not deserving of that right now.

Your actions will mean more and the more she has to work to regain your love the better she will appreciate it.

You are doing fine to keep your support group up,. All those friends she gave up will come back into the picture. The WS words are not solid. They are based on the emotion at the moment and can change in an instant. You though need to have words you can count on. You need to make sure you are that way (reliable). That may play a more important role in her return than the ILYs.


JMHO,
L.

Thanks L. I'll take your sage advice. BTW. Should I let her know I'm fighting the D? If so when? (mediation is supposed start in 3 weeks)

p.s. justpeachy recommeded you.

DL,

I wouldn't let her know much right now. The more you let her wonder the more she will think about you. May not all be positive but it's a start.

IMHO, putting questions or doubts in her mind about your stance on anything maybe good for a while. WSs tend to want to know it all. Even willing to put the squeeze on the BS to get that fix.

JustPeachy is a sweetheart who is a fighter and a cutie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Haven't talked to her in quite a while. Please tell her I said Aloha. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

Sounds good. What about the OM? I know it's not about him, but he tells my W so many lies about me. I don't understand why she beleives him. If anyone told her the TRUTH about him (he has OW, he doesn't intent to move here, he's threatened me, etc.), she go ballistic trying to protect his honor.

My lawywer wants to contact his employer (U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security) and let them know what he's been doing with his travel priveldges. He feels that this will up the pressure on him and make him reveal his true colors before this D gets too deep. It 'gets him off the table' he says. Won't my W hate me eternally for sanctioning such an act?

<small>[ June 27, 2004, 12:50 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong> DL: ... What about the OM? I know it's not about him, but he tells my W so many lies about me. I don't understand why she beleives him. If anyone told her the TRUTH about him (he has OW, he doesn't intent to move here, he's threatened me, etc.), she go ballistic trying to protect his honor. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: U R NOT married to the OM. Besides she will defend his honor over yours and nothing c/b more illiogical than that. It is sad but true.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong> DL:My lawywer wants to contact his employer (U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security) and let them know what he's been doing with his travel priveldges. He feels that this will up the pressure on him and make him reveal his true colors before this D gets too deep. It 'gets him off the table' he says. Won't my W hate me eternally for sanctioning such an act? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: If your lawyer has legal grounds, let him. You step out of it. If your W (who isn't acting like your W right now), claims to hate you forever, then call that bluff. Why? In reality, the A is like holding one's breath. They (the WS) have to let go of that stupidit sometime. WS' are not capable of long term anything while in the fog.

You do what you feel is legal, moral and within your right. The choice is yours. Many an OP have gotten off scott free because the BS has chosen NOT to press charges or something similar.

Let the WS think about you what she may. You are going to be the bad guy anyway (at least for now in her eyes). Just be prepared for more tantrums and threats.

Hold on tight. The rollercoaster ride may get a bit bumpy.

JMHO,
L.

Gotcha. It seems to me that I don't have plan B as an option, since she wants a D and has filed. Leaving would be just the thing she needs to get the pressure off. Though she may miss my presence, she'd use that act to regain momentum.

Is this usually the case or is plan B still workable in this sitch?

Thanks!

couple of musings....

1. Your kids are young...way young...
you need to seek counsel on protecting them from him....find out your rights to minimize/exclude exposure to him....document contact etc...do not share or power struggle this info with your wife...but get your ducks lined up...what is to stop her from taking the children 1,000 miles away...

2.
W is Very suspicious of my daytime whereabouts and nightime phone/internet activities

Use this to your advantage...be a little illusive...a little unavailable....but always upbeat and charming...

She is struggling with the practice already. I was assisting her before the hospitalization. Should I help?

well this is a good question the irony of some WS is that they truly believe that what they are doing is OK...AND BS and friends/family should be happy for them...it is illogical at best....

so should you help...
when and only when you can do with an upbeat attitude and when you can control when you leave...
any clink in your armor she will turn against you...so if you are strong enough to do the task with no pressure...so that she totally enjoys the time spent with her AND you leave on your terms...and leave her wanting a little more...then you should help....

here are the 180 divorce busting tech.
I hopethis helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse hiswhereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


and another poster tips....note to change he to she... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

“I have reflected on some of the things that got results from my H in this situation and here they are:
1. When he called me, I ended the conversation first.
2. When he came around I would ensure that the house smelled really good and I looked casual but well groomed. Spoke much softer than normal.
3. I definitely 'acted as if' my life was full and moving forward without him.
4. Did not give him as much eye contact as he likes. But when I did look in his eyes I did it flirtatiously.
5. Slowed my body language down - more controlled and no touchy, feely. Kept out of his space. Definitely no emotional outburst or tears. “Oh no, not the tears again, I am out of here”.
6. Never requested any assistance from him in anything. Caused him to offer.
7. When he expected me to do something, I would do the opposite. That got his attention.
8. Held back when he wanted a cuddle or any form of affection. Let him kiss my cheek instead of my lips.
9. Refused to see him when requested, let him pursue before I gave in, maybe three requests for one sighting of me.
10. Posted his mail instead of handing it to him or calling him. He always asks why not call and I will pick it up.

1. For walk-aways you must understand the actions and behaviors that created the climate for the flight.
2. You have not only to change those behaviors but actually live them.
3. You can only control your actions
4. You cannot control the situation you are in but you can control how you react in it.
5 Anything you do or say through the process is remembered. NEVER SPEAK IN ANGER!!!
6. Become the man or woman your spouse would never think of leaving. The man or woman that all their friends and support group would in times of crisis drive him/her back to you.
7. Listen and observe to every last detail from your H or W.
8. IF you are ever unsure how to act DONT.
9. When things don’t seem to be going well redefine your short term goals.
10. Live in positive times, keep positive filters on.
11. Accept that it takes time.
12. Accept that no matter what the outcome YOU are a good person and you have done your best. At the end of the day we must live with ourselves.

and here's the lighthouse post....

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

hope that helps

ARK

ARK:

Wow! That sure did help. I'm very anxious b/c tommorow is our 13th Anniversary. She also chose that day to open her practice (a symbol of her new life w/o me I guess) Mediation is coming and OM is headed back into town. Application of these principles is HARD.

Steve Harley has been counseling me and said that I should send the letter, and do so ASAP. I think the spirit of the thing - letting her know I'm standing for our family-is most important. I'll have it prepared and give it to her when she wants an explanation of why I stonewalled mediation. She may hate me at first but she will know how serious I am if I can continue this balance of support and firm resolution. Her OM? He'll fold like origami when the the pressure rises. Not worried about him most times.

Right now we are enjoying each other's company (an act on her part?) and keeping conflict free. No provocation on my part is normal, but no capitulation? She's in for a BIG surprise from the new DLC!

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dleightonc:
<strong> Gotcha. It seems to me that I don't have plan B as an option, since she wants a D and has filed. Leaving would be just the thing she needs to get the pressure off. Though she may miss my presence, she'd use that act to regain momentum.

Is this usually the case or is plan B still workable in this sitch?

Thanks! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I believe plan B is workable. Heed ARK's post. She is awesome in the support dept. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You sound much better after you replied to ARK.

take care,
L.

My up mood took a hit this morning. My God, this is hard. Got up early today--13th wedding anniversary to wish W good luck on her 1st day of her medical practice. I prayed with/for her for success, prosperity and wisdom. She thanked me and hopped in the car to pursue her life’s dream. I thought I would be prepared for the sense of emptiness I feel.

Last year, she was in D mode as well and seeing this OM w/o my knowledge. The difference this year is that she’s filed and the A is in the open. I also have one year of ups (false recovery) and downs (right now) to process. Bad for 3 months, better for 5, terrible for 4. That's been my year.

I’m so very proud of my W and so very hurt by her as well. I prayed for her b/c she and her patients deserve her a t her best. I truly want that for her. Yet, I write this through unexpected tears. I knew this day was coming & the pain of her nonacknowledgement still hurts. This day hasn’t been happy for me for two years. Will it ever be again?

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

bmp

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dleightonc:
<strong> My up mood took a hit this morning. My God, this is hard. Got up early today--13th wedding anniversary to wish W good luck on her 1st day of her medical practice. I prayed with/for her for success, prosperity and wisdom. She thanked me and hopped in the car to pursue her life’s dream. ....... Will it ever be again? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it will be better for you. Sooner for you than for the WS. Believe it or not.

Her life's dream is currently marred by a lot of fog. Try running a business with your head up the wrong end. Can't see the profits and pitfalls. Not a good place to be IMHO.

So you keep moving forward. One day she will need that stable and reliable person who has true love vs that feeling in the fog type eurphoria.

Need to get you feeling better about yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

As you often are, you are right. W came home and seemed overwhelmed. Didn't talk much or eat dinner. Has so many things she has to remember each day. The long distance thing for her is a problem but she gets stoked when he's coming (I feel it's this weekend) The hit/withdrwal cycle seems to strengthen their bond but at the same time make them impatient.

I'm really hurt that she wrote him an Anniversary card (21 months yesterday) and could completely ignore our 13th WEDDDING anniversary. She did thank me, though, for the congratulatory flowers I sent her today. (friendly, not romantic). They did not match the dozen red roses (her fav) he sent her for the same reason. I know I'm not in a competition, but it feels like this man is stealing my life. The irony is that he lost his wife of 13 years the same way. What a evil symetry. I soldier on...

Hi DL,

I hate being right if it makes the BS sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Are you ready to let the OM meet all her needs? It is a hard place to be but an option that may put a dose of reality into the A. Expect them to like it at first but it usually doesn't last. If it does you will be d'd quickly.

As for the roses, even in the fog, those beautiful flowers can lose their meaning. Don't put too much into the type of flowers. You know your meaning has more meaning. OM's is just a momentary feeling.... you know like nausea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

L.

How can OM meet all her needs? First she likes physical proximity, so he wouldn't be able to do that consistantly for at least a year (that is if he were really coming). secondly domestic order is high on her list. Is this dude going to be a stable, organizing presence in her home, when she said she doesn't even eant to marry him (or anyone) again?

Her last big one is companionship. His job takes him all over the country for weeks at end. Get the picture? Intimacy? a limited type based on the limited things they share ('I love you', 'I hate my marriage', etc.) SF? Sure, Recreational Companionship? ditto. But you know what they say: it's all fun and games, until somebody gets hurt!

L:

How's this version of the letter? Also I'm still considering when to give it. Mdiation in 20 days...
---------------------------------------------------
W:

You may be wondering what to expect as we enter this transition in our lives. I’m writing this then, not as a love letter, hard sell or lecture, but as a simple explanation of my intentions and actions. I do so with the deepest respect for your feelings and the fullest faith in your open and graceful spirit.

I understand that you desire to pursue a romantic, authentic life. I also acknowledge that you've been unhappy with this marriage for a long time. I’m truly sorry that my negative, oppressive behavior has contributed to your unhappiness and in the failure of our union. Although I have learned from my mistakes and am releasing neediness, manipulation, etc from my spirit, you’ve clearly chosen not to heal and continue our marriage relationship. You’ve chosen instead to pursue the inexplicable chemistry, intimacy, and emotional closeness you presently feel with OM. You say feel at peace with your decision to live another life experience. I hear you and accept your feelings. So what else is there to consider?

There are alternatives, W, and as long as they go unexplored I cannot pursue the current course of action in good conscience. The emotional, physical, and financial cost to us all is too high. This journey toward divorce started while I was broken, you were longing, and we both wanted to end our pain. Along the way we mistakenly addressed our needs and issues with biased or incompetent people. This unacceptable setup was self-sabotage and guaranteed failure. Anger, Loneliness, Neediness, and Fear are not places from which to build a future. I’ve come to know better and am compelled, then, to do better.

While working on myself, I’ve found out how ruinous marriages become passionate, fulfilling relationships. I’ve met those whose expertise and dedication have made it possible for countless families. My spirit has been strengthened by these experiences. I have emerged enabled and empowered to stand for our family and our common happiness.

I will not actively participate in the destruction of our family. Principle, faith and right example guide this decision. My actions, then, don’t depend on our current feelings, situation or appearances. Others’ biased opinions, myths or misconceptions won’t steer me. I am willing to risk much to pursue the ideal for our family. Be clear though; I will not sacrifice my life just to be with you nor would I die without you. That’d be obsession--and the height of unfairness. I prefer this marriage because the greatest chance that we’d all be happy is here. God blessed us with this wonderful family and good life. I will honor those gifts by making the most of them.

I’m moving forward with a clean slate. No judging and living in the past. No “H cries & W gets ignored” dramas. I’m doing my part--100%-- without reservation. I take responsibility for my actions and will stop any relationship, behavior, or attitude that detracts from our healing.

My choice may anger you. It may seem spiteful, unrealistic or even duplicitous. I will not ask you to trust me or believe that I have a better offer on the table. I’ll give you no ultimatums or play games with you. If you want to understand the alternatives of which I speak, seek an unbiased and unrelated person to check them out. Who knows? You may look at our lives and needs from an angle unburdened by old habits and expectations. You too may wish to commit to transforming our lives together. The choice, of course, is yours.

Why another try? Just six months ago you wrote: “I know one thing for sure: You & I have a dynamic energy unmatched. Let us use our power together and create the greatest gift for mankind--the reminder of the God-self.” What’s in this for us is a passionate, prosperous life where we’re free to be true, where our children see the fruits of love and forgiveness, and you’re cherished and accepted for who you really are. An authentic life, indeed (laundry and hyper kids thrown in, just to keep it real <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). This is my promise and commitment to you and the children God submitted to our care.

God honors Faith and Faith honors God. I believe in Love and Forgiveness. I believe in us. I have always, W, believed in you. Change and peace are a decision away. I’ve made my choice for better or worse, to live my joy right here, where acres of diamonds lie ready for me to behold and enjoy.

(True) Love, (Lasting) Peace, and (All the) Happiness (You Can Stand)

DL,

Good letter. Maybe cut back on the restrictions you have set for yourself. WS' like to see the BS fail.

Make your commitments genuine but not too restrictive.

Let's get some other sage comments. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

what phrases do you see as restrictive?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dleightonc:
<strong>.....I I’ll give you no ultimatums or play games with you.
...... I have always, W, believed in you. Change and peace are a decision away. I’ve made my choice for better or worse, to live my joy right here, where acres of diamonds lie ready for me to behold and enjoy.

(True) Love, (Lasting) Peace, and (All the) Happiness (You Can Stand) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your words are quite lovely and would flatter most spouses. Yet in the fog, these same words c/b construed as controlling. You paint such a devoted picture, it may scare her away.

Remember she is aware of her changes and may wonder why you would tolerate her behavior and reward it with such a loving letter.

You still want the letter to show impact of love along with the value of the family. It is a delicate balance.

Let's see if we can get JL or another male perspective.

L.