I've gotten the advice that doing nothing guarantees the M ending, but how much of what I can do SHOULD I do? See thread The OM's 2 OW : Would you tell your friend? for the options I face.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he wants to depose OM to determine if marital assets were used in the A </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">would you explain this please? I live in a FAULT state.......only no-fault of you both choose it.

thanks

PEACE OUT

During discovery, both parties have to disclose earnings, assets, liabilities, etc. We also have to account for expenditures that were made outside of the marriage (i.e. $ spent on things that didn't benefit both spouses.) The reason? A S must demonstrate whether or not these expenditures impacted the M. Spending patterns may show a trend of irresponsible spending, diversion or outright theft. This does affect the outcome.

Calling the OM is useful because he is the only person who could corroborate my W account of extramarital expenditures. He will have to verify gifts that she's given, trips they’ve taken and services they've utilized in order to get a tangible cost of the A on the marital asset pool.

Of course he will HATE this, as well as my W. This may rattle him enough to make him demonstrate his apparent controlling and angry nature. This approach does not deal with the A form a moral standpoint, but rather as a negative financial influence on the community property.

He will know too, that he may be deposed as we move to custody, etc. Hopefully he'll cave by then and W begins to asses the real price of the A and the true value of the M.

hmmmmmmmm h has no credit cards....but left MOUNTAINS of bills here when he WALKED OUT. he has a regular job but also a cash business.

ow has plenty of $$-

any advice?

PEACE OUT

If you are in a community state, then half those bills are his inf not thn ALL the bills in his name are his. Get him off your credit, etc. ASAP!

Pennsylvania

PEACE OUT

bmp

bmp

bmp

i'm back in town and don't have a lot of time to type today because of all the catching up i have to do but i wanted to post a note i found from the OW at our house last week and see what everyone thinks. i also have some more questions about $ spent as far as counseling and if that could be used against me. well i know this is kind of cryptic but like i said i've got a lot to do today and i only have computer access at work. prayers to you, RR

bmp

Next week, I plan to go to mediattion and not participate, saying that "I still have great hope for our M and Family", per Dr. Harley. This will push thing to trial (earliest Nov '04).

We are still living together and pretty amicable. She, of course will go ballistic. Should I stay away for a couple of days or stay and continue Plan A'ing her?

I think you will get a resounding "continue plan A" from all who reply. just do the best you can. in all actuality it doesn't matter if she goes ballistic or not. we BS, particularly in the beginning of things are usually terrified of doing anything that would push the WS away more, etc. but they are already away. maybe another way to look at it would be if they (the WS) get mad at you and you don't do anything then they go back to the OP and take things out on them or at least act cranky which causes tension between them and that's good. sometimes that's what gets me through. you know like keep them guessing.

you are doing what you can and will do it for as long as you can. using time as your friend. i think your response statement was very good and just rehearse things like that in your head.
continued strength and prayers to you.

I just got the most positive message from my W b/c I sent her flowers for her new practice's Open House. I keep thinking about what's about to come and know that the good vibe I've rebuilt over the last 2 months will vaporize as soon as she walks out of mediation next week. I must be steady though, right?

yes, i think in a way that it is safe to kind of prepare for the worse but hope for the best. i truly believe in being prepared as much as possible and that's one of the reason why i counsel w/SH to help me to be prepared to handle situations. i go over a lot of scenarios w/him and he gives me time to actually write things down.

i guess the best way i can explain it and you've probably read it here that this is a chipping away process. so anything we can do to "chip away" at our WS is good. unfortunately it is agonizingly and painfuly slow and very tiny at times what actually gets chipped away. we have to just let what the WS say or do just roll off our back most of the time, it's easier said then done and that again is why i like to be prepared. an example would be that my H isn't "mean" or "ugly" to me right now but i discussed this w/SH the possibility that he will get mean and SH did confirm that it is very likely this may occur. but there are still things that happen that you aren't prepared for even when you do prepare for the worst and they catch you off guard.

but when that happens just do your best to recollect yourself and pick yourself back up and start fresh. you will find you start picking yourself up faster and faster. this is all in the process of remaining "steady" as you put it. stay the course, you know what you have to do which is to keep going to the Lord. you are so much more ahead of the game then other people here in such a short period so looks like God put a good head on your shoulders. i'm sure the culmination of everything going on your W's life will catch up w/her and you just have to carry the burdern for her until she falls and then be there to pick her up.

Psalms 37

prayers to you, RR

Thanks RR, I really appreciate the support. "Go time" is coming (next weee) and things will get hectic I'm sure. Your posts will keep me lifted!

as you know there is a time and season for everything and who knows what will happen next week. also who knows what is happening in the minds and hearts of the WS. someone here said one time to not be so sure that the WS are really as happy as they may appear. SH told me that even though the WS may appear happy that what would be better to explain it would to say that they are more in the "pursuit of happiness." we know that God is all powerful and has dominion over everything and even though satan is pretty powerful himself and has a good grip on our WS, we know God can melt the hearts of stone. look at us BS! i know God has melted my heart of stone and is molding it in a way that is more pleasing to him and one that is better for my H.

if we can believe God saved us from our sins then we can believe that God can save our S from theirs no matter how bad it may seem. whatever happens...trust HIM. continue to keep us posted, prayers to you, RR

Thanks for the support. I like "the pursuit of happiness" thought. True. they are NOT happy.

bmp

bmp