Ron,

"Staying dark,stay dark,go dark" et al are euphemisms that refer to Plan B.You basically are incommunicado,uncontactable.You have cut off contact with your WS after sending a Plan B letter(PBL)until they can tell you that they are ready to work on the marriage and end the A(NC letter).

Hope that helps.

O

Well you never know what a new day will bring. Last night I got a voice mail from my WW saying that my mom had just called the house to find out how I was doing. At my mom's B-Day party everybody was commenting on my dramatic weight loss ( 6' 205lbs to 170lbs). My WW said she was " surprised" that my mom did not know about the separation. The voice mail also said I needed to call mom ASAP since my WW & mom had a pretty heated argument about the situation. WW also said "you promised that you would never tell her about the A " but from the questions my mom was firing at her , she felt it was obvious that the cat was out of the bag.

I called mom and she was just despondent. She was sorry and angry that I had lied during her party and that she knew something was up since my WW did not even call her to wish a belated B-Day party. She also apologized because she had accused my wife of being involved with another man even though she had no proof.

I then got a long voice mail from my WW . In a very emotional voice she told me that she was sorry for what she had done, apologized for the A, and that she did not want a D. She wanted to set up a weekend counseling session and hoped that I would see it in my heart to attend with her. She said the anger that she had for me was now gone and there was this feeling of guilt and shame for her betrayal. She was still puzzled because she said that 90% of her wanted me back, there still was a fear there that had been paralyzing her. She said she appreciated how well I had taken care of her and realized that no man could ever match that yardstick. She also said that the way I had handled myself, showed why everyone (including her) had always considered me a "classy guy"

So what I find is that the event I MOST dreaded, telling my mom, turned out to be the big 2x4 that finally has cleared her head.

I hope and pray it will last. Awaiting my NC letter.

Sounds very promising. Keep on doing what you have been doing.

Sorry about the images going through your mind about the physical and emotional side. But please remember, the A is rarely about sex.

Cymanca,

I don't mean to rain on your parade but please keep your heart guarded still.It does sound promising what your WW mentioned BUT many of us have been there,done that when it comes to these statements from our WS's.

My WH said so many "right" things to me back in March that sounded SO hopeful.He said to me "It's SO over", "I love you SO much", "I'm in love with you again", "Your kisses are like gold",etc. I mean,it really sounded so promising but I still kept a watchful eye on his behavior.

Well,a week or two later after supposed NC he was at it again,e-mailing the homewrecker only he didn't tell me,I found out and I KNEW by the way he was acting.I could FEEL it.Withdrawal was too much and it was scary how badly he changed back into the WH that I didn't know,like Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde.

Anway,I just want you to remember to stick to the plan.Your WW can ONLY come back under the right circumstances ok? She has to be willing to send that NC letter in addition to counseling and it's going to be he** all over again.Recovery I hear is supremely difficult as BS's watch their WS's go through withdrawal and many times return to all the old bad habits.Don't break out the champagne yet but be open to hearing what your WW has to say,be calm but firm.

Let us know how things go.I'll be parying for you and your WW.

O

10Girl,

Thanks for your words of caution. There was a lot of emotion going on yesterday and a lot of words thrown around. I am still trying to sort it all out. But I will not back off the NC letter!

BTW, she had also mentioned a book called Surviving an Affair. Little does she know its on my bedstand and read almost every night. Thanks for your prayers and you know you are always in mine.

Well I just got the official position of the cruise line. They claim their investigation showed no wrongdoing by their crewmember and warned me if I pursued the matter that they would go after me legally for slander. Well, I'm off to my attorneys.

Oh brother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The cruiseline sure isn't helping matters but just what are you proposing to do,get OM fired? I would leave that loser alone.He's nothing Cymanca.Let your WW handle him if she can.I know all too well that going after the OP is a waste of time and emotion.It also serves to make you look like the nut case versus the one that really is.It bonds the OP and the WS even more.Us against them,mentality.Be careful out there.Don't go slumming,you're above that.

O

10Girl,

I guess I was just trying to expose the A to both sides. I did not know if the OM is married or whatever. I also wanted to make his employers aware of the disgraceful amoral, and I believe illegal situation. Attorneys that I have consulted told me I had a good case even if WW was their star witness. IF my M goes on to a divorce, I will get hammered financially. Due to maritime law I have only a 6 month window to file anything against the cruise line.

Believe me ,it is not my focus but my atorneys advise me to not ignore the situation.

Thanks as always

ok.

I agree that trying to expose the OM was a good idea and you should have.The fact that the cruiseline is trying to get you to defer any legal action is troubling but who am I to interfere with attorney suggestions.lol Do what you must.I just hope this doesn't turn into some lenghty,costly,painful drama for you.If your attorney thinks you have a good chance(I hope they REALLY think so and don't want to drag this out for money)I hope they nail OM.This could get ugly but I wish you much luck.

Keep us posted.

O

Cym,
Relax; suing a cruise line is problematical at best in any circumstances. They are not generally US Corporations and their ships are almost always under foreign registry. So you see, for them it’s not a money issue. What it is is a PR issue. I mean think about it. How good does it look to guys wanting to take their wives on a cruise to hear that the cruise line provides “this kind of service” as well? LOL That explains their very thinly veiled threat!

But here’s an interesting thought. If your W really wants to do the right thing, how about asking her send a copy of the no contact letter she needs to send the OM, to the cruise line as well? LOL And by the way, her wanting to reconcile is great but it will all be for not unless you two agree on setting up very real boundaries to live with in.
Coach

Coach,

Thanx for your reply. My WW has not sent a NC letter as of yet. I would forward it to the cruise line if I ever get one. I don't think I ever will( sorry just in one of my very depressed moods). I am dark so there is no contact from my side of the equation.

Coach,

One more question if I may? I know you are not a lawyer but is there any way to get my message out to the media in the cities this line sails from and would they be interested? Sounds like I am nuts but I swear I'm not!!!

Just got a message from WW furious over the fact she has been contacted by cruise lines attorneys for a statement. She can not understand why I am going after this creep when all my anger should be directed at her. She again emphatically states that he means nothing to her but if she sent the NC letter would I promise to back off on the OM. I gave her this message "His and her actions are intertwined but each has a separate personal and moral decision that is the core of what was done. She has to deal with me and her M , OM has to deal with his morality and his job"

Hmmm. If "he means nothing to her", why wouldn't she just give a truthful statement to the attorneys and not worry about his job?

Believer,

I do not think for one minute that this OM means nothing to my WW. I read so many posts from people that are in so much denial that they can not face the truth when it pokes them in their eye. I know that if my M can be saved, it will take a tremendous effort on not only me but also my WW. My biggest fear is that I have known my WW for 8 years and I truly can not say that her character leads me to believe that she has the strength necessary to make things right.

Thanks for your thoughts. My prayers are with you.

Cy,

Wouldn't the e-mail and NC letter be proof to the cruise line? Keep your proof with your attorneys. Pursue it as much as you need.

My H said, this probably goes on a lot but only some report it. Just a hunch. I can see where it w/b hard for the workers to not give in since often the patrons are flauning it all over or the workers are expected to put on a show. Bottom line is that the act on both parts were wrong. You have your recourse and they have theirs.

Maybe that guy will think twice before he puts his job in jeporady again for a fling.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

I have received an email from the cruise line attorneys and "based upon my WW statements and the fact she has filed for divorce" their findings were that my letter to them falsely accused one of their best employees. They also said that if I persisted they would come after me for slander and libel and would recomend that the employee do the same.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
<strong> Orchid,

I have received an email from the cruise line attorneys and "based upon my WW statements and the fact she has filed for divorce" their findings were that my letter to them falsely accused one of their best employees. They also said that if I persisted they would come after me for slander and libel and would recomend that the employee do the same. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Somthing don't smell right. You said today that your W was just contacted by the cruiselines? Yet you recieved an e-mail (when?) they have already have her statement and that they are aware she filed for divorce? Also that the OM is one of their 'best employees'?

Hm..... sounds like a bluff. Why would the cruise line need to know about the D? Filing vs receiving judgement on the D are 2 different things. Let your lawyers handle this. Even to this untrained legal beagle the cruise line is giving you just that a line.

Now let others know (who know about the A but not your WS), which line this is so we can all boycott it. Imagine that kind of negative advertising. Not the entire line, just that particular ship....... hope they all aren't that bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

L.

Orchid,

The timeline is this . Certified letter to cruise line 6-28-04. Answer from their lawyer with warning to me 7-8-04. Wife's message 7-9-04. The only way they could have found out about the D action is the my WW told them and lied about what happened on the ship. Or they could have looked on the cruise line email system which has a record of my WW and the OM correspondence. The OM is obviously not sophistacted enough to know that even though you erase your messages, a web based server and especiallly most company servers keep messages on file.

I will ask my attorney if I can name the cruise line in this type of forum.

BTW I did extensive research on cruise ship fraternization policies and ALL MAJOR LINES have a policy of IMMEDIATE dismissal of employees breaking those rules. This especially hold true for crew members permitting passengers in their cabins

This is the context of an email that WW sent to me tonight. She had promised me the NC letter today and coming over for lunch.

Iknow I said I would spend some time with you this weekend but I just can't bring myself to do it!! I still am not sure if getting back together is the right decision for me. A big part of me still loves you CYMANCA but at this point I don't know if I wouldn't do what I did again. That thought really frightens me to death because I cannot stand to see you this miserable again. You're a decent person CYMANCA you don't deserve to be treated like sh$t and I don't want to be the cause of your unhappiness!! I hope you understand and I'm sorry. I do want us to continue to be on civil terms. I cannot give any more than that at this time. Again I'm sorry!!


Comments, sugggestions, cyanide???