You're right the day doesn't seem brighter. H didn't come home last night like I asked. Part of me wanted him to. Not sure how to respond to him today when he calls. I know he will want to spend time with DD after he gets off from work.

H just stopped in and had spent part of the evening at the festival with OW. He claims he didn't spend the night with her, but had no answer where he did. I am so hurt. I probably LB by crying the whole time he was here. I was so upset I was/am shaking.
He keeps asking what I want from him. I don't even know what to say. He doesn't believe that I love him. He believes that I love the "picture" of a perfect happy family like all of my friends have. That's not true. I really love him. I said that I wanted to be a part of his life. He responded that you never used to. I said seeing OW brought back all those feelings He said how could they bring them back when they never left. Yet he told me before that he had been pulling away from her. And I get the classic "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" What do I do? H wants to talk later and I don't know what to say. Please help me I am dying here

Just thought about something WH said.
He said the he wants parts of two lives and doesn't know what to do. Basicly he wants DD and a happy family, but doesn't have that because of me. If he went to OW he would have the happy wife/good feelings, but wouldn't have his DD. What am I supposed to say to that? I know we could have what he wants, but not until he gets rid of OW. I could be everything, but not while i am constantly being compared to OW and not given a chance. How do I respond to this?

jm, you don't have to make sense of every nonsensical thing a WS says. He is in the throes of an addiction and is saying all the classical foggy statements that we hear all the time here. So don't waste your time trying to reason with someone who uses no reason.

Your situation is exactly why it's SO important to never ever waffle on the issue of no contact with the OW when reconciling after a Plan B. Do you see that? Even if a WS must quit his job or move, no contact is the ONLY hope of recovery.

You cannot accept anything less, JM, when you come out of Plan B. You can replace a JOB, it is much harder to replace a marriage. And your marriage has NO HOPE until contact ends.

You are concerned right now about what he will say to you today because you are placing yourself at his mercy. You are doing so at your own expense.

I would suggest that you take the reigns back in your life, JM, and start taking control.

I would like you to consider going back into Plan B and doing it PROPERLY this time. He has said that he has needs that he is getting from both sides. With no interference, he can continue on this way for YEARS. What man wouldn't want such an ideal situation?

He can't possibly know that the OW can't meet all his needs if you don't give him that opportunity. If he has that opportunity, he will realize that she can't possibly meet all his needs, which will quickly BURN OUT the relationship. As it is now, you are preventing him from seeing this.

BUT, as long as he is allowed to CONTINUE to see the OW while maintaining his home and marriage, he will never burn out on the OW. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT to NEVER EVER come out of Plan B until ALL CONTACT is ended with the OW. You are seeing first hand what a huge mistake this is, JM.

So, I would like you to consider all this and think about going back into Plan B. And this time, there would be NO CONTACT with you until ALL CONTACT with the OW has ended. The PBL should stipulate this, along with financial arrangements and visitations. He won't be able to pop in and visit his daughter when the spirit moves him.

It should be done through an intermediary on a regular schedule. He shouldn't be allowed back into his house during Plan B. If he wants to play single man, he should be shown how it will really be.

So, start thinking about what you want to do, JM. But you must do something. What you are doing is NOT working and you are going to burn out emotionally if you don't get some control here.

You don't have the luxury of sitting there like a sitting duck doing nothing but crying. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. You will be ok...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jmislost:
<strong> Just thought about something WH said.
He said the he wants parts of two lives and doesn't know what to do. How do I respond to this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You show him that he can't live with just the "parts" the OW offers up. ie: a nicely worded Plan B letter. That is what you do.

Have you exposed this affair at his workplace? What about to your family and friends? His family? Is the OW married?

OW is getting a D. I have never seen nor spoken to her. Part of me wants to because I could shock her by some of the things my WH has said about her and her son. But I think I have too much class to do that.
All of our family knows. my MIL thinks he is being an a$$. She thinks he will wake up too late and realize all that he has lost. I have never exposed the A at their work place. I guess first of all I wouldn't know how without looking like the bitter bi@@@ that he has told them that I am. And second the owners have all had their A's, so I don't think anyone would think it was a big deal. It would only allienate me further by pissing H off.
I know I need to get tough. I just don't know what to say to H today. I know I need to start a Plan B, but how can I keep him away from a house that is half his and he wants to see DD often. I know all about Plan B, but my mind just isn't working so could you help me through it step by step on what I need to do. Also I am concerned because H says that he has a better time with DD when I am not around. I don't think I really meet any needs that OW can't other than I have his DD. I don't think he will miss anything else about this life.
I am asking for God's help too, but I feel like I am being ignored.

JM, your H probably doesn't think you meet any needs, but he will find out pretty quickly that you do when you aren't around anymore.

Now, I can help you through this with some general guidelines, but you are going to have to do most of the thinking, ok? You are there and I am not.

So, I would start off first by writing a Plan B letter to give him today when he comes. You will ask that he not contact you at all except in an emergency. Stipulate financial arrangements and put a visitation schedule in there.

Is there an intermediary from whom he can pick up his daughter for visitation? You don't want him coming to the house for visitation lest he get a home and family "fix." He needs to see how it will be as a single man without his family.

So start working on the letter now and then we can discuss how you will give it to him today.

Ethan, thefurnitureman, did an excellent PBL that you can borrow from:

"I will give you my PBL experience so you can see the progressions it made. I have seen my PBL paraphrased a bit lately, so apparently I got some of it right. And WW understood. Other than a freak meeting at a concert, I have not seen or heard from her in more than 2 months. While that may sound a bit scary, remember that Plan B, if followed properly, is always successful. The WS will either return to the M, OR you will be in less pain when the D comes. I have only experienced the latter, but it has been quite helpful.

Here is the suggested setup for a PBL. (Straight from Chris -CA123)

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 - You love her.
2 - You want to stay married.
3 - You are sorry for your part in bringng the marriage to the state it is. Also that you are learning (ala MB) how to make a relationship better and take into account the other persons feelings with all your actions.
4 - You have to cut off all contact because of the pain of her continued affair.
5 - You will agree to contact again when she gives up the affair and agrees to discuss what is needed for reconciliation.
6 - You love her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is my Plan B letter experience. You can see my original and the reasoning behind the changes I made.

In the event that you have neither the desire nor stamina to read the thread, here is the final version of my PBL.

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************
Dearest WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.

The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart.

Your loving husband,
Ethan
******************

JM, explain to me how you handled visitation when you were in Plan B the last time? Did you send him a letter? Were you strictly no contact?

ML
Thank you so much for being a life line. I will work on the Plan B letter later. I promised I would meet my MIL today with DD and do some shopping. I think she saw a need for me to get out of the house.
One of my major concerns with Plan B is that my H will never stay away from this house. He will come and do yard work regardless of what I say. I have a meeting with an attorney next week. I will discuss legal seperation (my H said there is no such thing in PA)Also I know that he will not follow visitation schedule or any financial arrangement. He will see this as the controlling me that always has to have everything her way. I guess that is why I have failed at Plan B

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jmislost:
<strong> OW is getting a D. I have never seen nor spoken to her. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know this?

Have fun shopping, JM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 03, 2004, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I know OW is getting a D because my brother's friend works with OWTBX. She wants a lot of money in the D. The house is up for sale. I have drove by. Wanted to make an appointment to see the inside and maybe a picture of her, but I thought that might be insane. OWRBX had an A on her and from what H says treated her terribly. H is her knight in shining armor I guess.
Should I contact OW? Does it ever help?

Oh no, I don't think you should contact the OW, but her H. He might be a great help to you and you could probably help him. I wonder if he knows about this affair?

Are they seperated?

And it is common for all OP's to demonize their spouses. blah, blah, blah.

OWTBX knew about the A before I did. In fact he threatened to tell me and I think that is what sent my H running home the first time. They are definately seperated. They tried to get back together when H was trying with me the first time before I knew about the A. I only knew that he had a friend (STUPID). Their M is definately over. I don't know what I could get from OWTBX that could help me. What are you thinking?
I am getting ready to leave, but I will check later. Thanks again

JM, I would call him up and find out everything he knows about the affair and see if what you have been told about his M is true. Everything your H has told you is suspect. As far as you know, he is trying to get it back together with his W and is operating with only half the facts.

Tell him you need to know as much possible about what he knows about the affair. He could be a potential ally in ending the affair if there is a chance they are trying to get back together.

You could also tell him about MB and let him know that many marriages do survive infidelity with this program.