Last night, after discussing whether we can go to Toronto, he agreed to go with us for this weekend and come back himself. I was reieved. Then later he gave me this letter and asked me to sign it. I said that it is not true for what it said in the letter, I won't sign it. Now he said he may not go to Toronto with us. please help me with this letter.

Dear LNH,

Since January 2004, we have been discussing our marriage problem and resolutions. We both agreed to seperate/divorc. Before proceeding with the divorce process, like you, under such a difficult situation, I care for the best interest of our family, especially the best interest of our children. Therefore, you and I both have tried our best to work out the issues during these past six months. We communicated, attended the marriage counseling session in San Francisco and participated in various professional/informal counseling services.

I am glad and appreciated that we have tried hard to save our marriage during the informal seperation. You kept promising me that you would change for the better, for our marriage and for the future of our family. Unfortunately, I do not see the True Change you promised. I understand that it is very difficult for everyone to change his/her true personality. I do not expect you change yourself to save our marriage. I still believe that a sucessful marriage is built on Ture Love, Respect, Trust and Fatih. During these six months, I feel that you are going futher and futher your own way. What yu have done to "save" our marriage is making you a stranger to me. I have to admit that I feel your love and your ways to "save" our marriage are selfish. I am not comfortable with the differences between what you have said to us(including me and other family members) and what you have actually done. Youe actions continue to damage the trust, respect and fatih of our marriage.

Consequently, as you forsaw and agreed, if our San Francisco trip did not help, we shall end any further efforts. I am sorry to say that our marriage has broken down. In January you gave me permission to begin divorce proceedings. Now, to provide and protect the best interst for you and our children, please provide me with your proposal of property division, children custody and visiting shcedule.

Thank you for your continued understanding. I still hope that both of us will continue to provide our best care and love to our children before and after our seperation or divorce.

With Love and Best Wishes,

WH

Oh please. He is deeply fogged out. Don't sign it. Tell him you love him and want to stay married.

Don't sign it. Smile at him and tell you still love him and don't want a divorce. Thanks, but no thanks.

Lostnhurt,
The end of school seems to have been a time for a decision from your perspective and from his.

Maybe you could e-mail this to Harley on the private forum, give him an update on what has happened since the seminar, and ask him what he would recommend.

With your health and your daughter's health at stake, Plan A doesn't seem wise. Plan B may need legal separation anyway.

I really feel for you. He's not taking any responsibility for his thoughtless behavior and blaming you for everything. That is FOG.
Cherished

I did exactly what you said. I didn't not sign and told him I won't. And I don't want a DV. But what am I going to do now? I want to go to Toronto.

Do not sign anything without consulting an attorney. The whole letter sounds like psychological manipulation to alleviate guilt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostnhurt:
<strong>...I want to go to Toronto. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well why can't you go?

I still believe that a sucessful marriage is built on Ture Love, Respect, Trust and Fatih.

??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Where is faithfulness ???

His letter leaves out the affair tearing appart the fabric of the marriage....

Perhaps you should write your own letter and ask him to sign yours , then you'll sign his..... your letter describes your efforts to pull together a family torn apart by infidelity ????

Foggy groggy bloggy WH babble.... Thank him for the letter. Tell him you will not sign anything that proposes to break up the family ....

Don't get angry ... become solidly pro-marriage pro-recovery in your words and deeds.... no matter what nonsense he throws at ya!

Pep

Thanks for your response. He did not take any responsibility: his A, his disappearing acts, his irresposibility for the children, his disrespect to me and the family.

I just talked to cousin about this. She said I can write hima letter with positive things, like attending MBW, taking care of the children while I was not available. Should I write this letter?

I think that is a good idea. Tell him you have a lot of hope for the marriage, and then list the things that you admire about him - cooking for you and the kids, going to the MBW, working hard, and everything else you can think of.

Can you fly to Toronto, or go on the train?

Lostnhurt,
This seems to be a point of decision. Consider e-mailing Harley. He ususally gets back the next morning.

I can drive to Toronto by myself. The reason I want him to go with me is to avoid any legal issue. It doesn't seem working.

Pep, you gave great comments. I will write him a letter and poste it here before giving him.

I asked him what I did to make him feel I am strange and going further apart. He said you know it by yourslef. I said everything I thought and I did I posted in MB. He said thouse were not your true action and thoughts. You hide your true face. Oh, what am I fighting for? Why do I fight for such an idiot?

I can drive to Toronto by myself. The reason I want him to go with me is to avoid any legal issue. It doesn't seem working.

Pep, you gave great comments. I will write him a letter and poste it here before giving him.

I asked him what I did to make him feel I am strange and going further apart. He said you know it by yourslef. I said everything I thought and I did I posted in MB. He said thouse were not your true action and thoughts. You hide your true face. Oh, what am I fighting for? Why do I fight for such an idiot?

I asked him what I did to make him feel I am strange and going further apart. He said you know it by yourslef. I said everything I thought and I did I posted in MB. He said thouse were not your true action and thoughts. You hide your true face.

Revisionist history at its best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He *knows* this is "how it is" but he can't pull up one example of *why*? Right. He's not willing to look at your true face because it doesn't suit his agenda right now.

<small>[ July 02, 2004, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

Turtlehead, you are just good at reading this. Thanks.

Please give me idea what to do now?

lostnhurt,

I really need to read your long thread. I know you're considering Plan B but don't know the details.

Please give me idea what to do now?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <- me with "deer in the headlights" look

If it were me, I'd NOT sign the letter. Whether or not he realizes it, he's just trying to appease his own guilt. He's trying to convince himself that you both did all you could - he hasn't. He's trying to convince himself that now you're okay with D - you're not. He's trying to get "written proof" that he has earned an honorable D - he hasn't. That letter is all about his guilt, and nothing more.

Regarding the Toronto trip, well, I'm not sure. I unfortunately don't know the history behind it.

If you do go, would it be a LB to him? Would he see it as Independent Behavior and has that been a problem for the two of you in the past?
If you do go, what risks are there and are they acceptable to you?
Would it be better to wait and go some other time?
Remember you can't control him so if you're staying in hopes of preventing a certain behavior, mightn't he do whatever you fear even if you stay at home?

Sorry I'm really useless on the Toronto thing.

I remember from the worst times H and I have been through, and he'd say stuff to me like "I just don't think you're cut out to be married" and "You have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should be" -- I *listened* to him. After all, he knows me better than anyone, right?

Hon, don't listen to this drivel your H is spewing. You ARE working on changing you. You ARE being true to yourself - what other motive could you possibly have for expending so much energy in communicating with others on this site and putting up with his antics? The things he says just don't wash.

Dear LnH,

Fog Babble! Now thank him for the letter, take it and then disappear. Don't go to Toronto. Not worth the consquences which the WS is not subtly threatening you with. Remember you can't control him.

What to do with the letter? Take the letter and CHANGE the From and To. The content of his letter has it's merit but NOT from him. This is stuff YOU can say.

Rewrite the letter, add your portion and give it back to him. Let him know that his actions has prevented any recovery in the M. It is HIS choice to have the D and now he gets to sign for it. This w/b an admission of an A.

JMHO,
L.

When I read the letter your WS is asking you to sign the first thing I thought was that your WS needed something he can give to OW to prove he is really and truly going to divorce and you know it so that she would give him "permission" to take the Toronto trip with you? Let me explain. When you read the OW boards (I know, I know), many of them don't seem to get that the WS is telling them how awful the marriage is and how they are divorcing when its not true - stringing them along. They moan and groan and ask "What does this mean?" when their married man is taking a vacation or attending a significant event with the BS. Maybe your WS' OW has heard it so many times or is so upset that he is taking another trip with you that she is pushing him for proof? Just a thought.

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH/WS-45
DS/2-1/2
Status: Divorce finaly 5/17/04, 2 years after D-Day

My head is spinning now. I don't know to pack or not to pack. I haven't told the children yet. They would love to go to Toronto.

My friend just came over to visit me. I showed her the letter. She was so shocked and said thta Wh must had consulted someone to write this letter. it made it like I am the bad guy and he had doen everything.

WH send me this message.

Thank you for the discussion regarding our marriage issues and the below
letter last night. It was very sad and difficult for me to write the
letter and make the decision. I appreciate your efforts into our marriage
resolutions and understanding. I am providing you an electronic copy
again for your convenience.